First of all? I have a Guest Post up over at Monique’s blog. . . A Day in the Life of a Surferwife.
My post is entitled Down to Two Words.
Please take a moment to click over there and read!
I never steer you wrong . . . just do it.
Back over here?
A phone call, not so very long ago.
Here’s Mark, “Hello?”
And here’s me, “Hey, babe. You busy?”
“Nope. What’s up?”
“You have a minute to talk?”
“Sure.”
“I’m just feeling a little down. The girls are driving me crazy. I have this long list of things to do, and I can’t seem to get motivated to do any of them. I just wanted to talk for a minute.”
“Uh huh.”
“Maybe it’s the weather or something, because I am feeling cranky. I would like to go the park, but it’s too cold. I don’t really feel like inviting anyone over, but I am kind of lonely. Maybe I’ll see if I can get someone to invite us over to their house this afternoon. That way I wouldn’t have to clean. I took the girls to the craft store and bought them some glitter and stickers, so they are making pictures to hang on the windows . . . are you listening to me?”
“Uh huh.”
“Why do I hear tapping in the background?”
“What?”
“WHY DO I HEAR TAPPING IN THE BACKGROUND?”
“Oh, that. I am just trying to finish up an email here.”
“You are sending me an email? That’s so sweet!”
“What?”
“Well, I asked you if you had a minute to talk and you said you did. So I know you are not emailing people who are not me while I am talking to you.”
“Kris, I can listen to you and email people at the same time.”
“Really? What did I just say, then?”
“What?”
“I will speak slowly so that you will understand. WHAT . . . DID . . . I . . . JUST . . . SAY?”
“Something about how you are bored.”
Slam.
“Hello?”
“Kris, did you just hang up on me?”
“Yes.”
Slam.
“Hello?”
“Really, Kris?”
Slam.
I let the next call go to the machine . . . “Kris, are you kidding me? I have a lot of shit to get done. I apologize for the fact that I wasn’t completely paying attention. I know you are stressed. I’m sorry I didn’t pay attention. Pick up the phone. Pick it up. Kris? Fine. Call me back.”
I dial his number.
“Hello?”
“Oh great! I was wondering if you had anything important you would like to share with me while I do this. Don’t worry! I will be listening.”
And then I bang the phone repeatedly on the countertop.
And then hang up.
Slam.
The phone rings and I pick it up.
“Hello?”
“Why are you so angry?”
“Fuck you.”
Slam.
Some time passes and then the phone rings again. I pick it up.
“Hello?”
“Are you done being angry?”
“I’m not angry. I am bored. Remember, insightful man? I am bored.”
Slam.
Some time passes and the phone does not ring again.
Hmmph.
I dial his number.
“Hello?”
“Are you under the impression that this conversation is done?”
“No, but . . .”
“Good.”
Slam.
I leave the phone off the hook for a while.
Then dial his number again.
“Hello?”
“You’re an asshole, but I do love you.”
“Love you too. We’ll talk later, alright?”
“Will I have to make a special request to include listening in this conversation?”
“Kris, you are insane.”
“You have been listening! I am all happy now.”
“Kris, I have to go.”
“Go then! Don’t let me keep you. I will just be here all happy anticipation about the listening! Oooooooh! I cannot wait.”
“Goodbye, crazy woman.”
“Bye.”
That was a long time ago.
Here’s how a similar conversation might have started today.
“Hello?”
“Hey, babe. Do you have a minute to talk?”
“Yeah, sure. What’s up?”
“I just miss you. I have this long list of things I am supposed to be getting done, but I can’t get motivated to do any of them. It’s cold. I ran some errands, but I am just in a bad mood and I wanted to say hello . . . what is that noise in the background?”
“Ummm . . . nothing.”
“YOU ARE IN THE BATHROOM! Are you kidding me? I asked if you had a minute to talk and you are in the bathroom? That’s so annoying.”
“What? I’m on my way out now. I can do more than one thing at a time, you know.”
“Fine. What did I just say?”
“What?”
“I will speak slowly so that you can understand. WHAT . . . DID . . . I . . . JUST . . . SAY?”
“Ummm . . . something about how you are bored?”
Slam.
How much do I love being married?
So annoying.
First???
Can it possibly be???
Silly firstie you.
Oh man…
The hubs and I have those exact conversations on a regular basis.
The other day?
We were in bed – he was lying down and I was sitting up talking.
And I was looking into his eyes AND touching his arm to be sure I had his attention.
Did he hear a word I said?
No. He fucking did not.
sigh.
Cathy -
Bother.
Yes, I have had those conversations as well. Mark is usually awesome, but sometimes he forgets to pay attention. And then he must be slammed.
Ahem.
You wiretapped my house.
Alex -
Snort!
I love you.
Kris
What I don’t get? Why do people pick p the phone if they aren’t willing to listen? And even more so, why do MEN act like they can multitask?? They so can’t.
Mandie -
Mark claims that he IS able to multi-task, and that this is not the problem.
The problem, according to Mark, is my insane need for him to focus 100% of his attention on everything I say.
To which I say?
Duh.
Kris,
SLAM!
Go get a frickin agent.
SLAM!
Have you done it yet?
SLAM!
Bill
Bill -
Do I just pass out “Agent Wanted” flyers at the farmer’s market?
Or what?
Kris,
And men can so multitask.
I am typing and breathing here. Both.
So shut up.
What?
Bill
You multi-task like Mark multi-tasks.
If Mark were here?
He would point out that he has told me perhaps 8 billion times what to do when I get those server-error messages.
I am sure he said to do something other than stare at them crankily.
But for the life of me, I cannot recall his instructions.
Ahem.
OMG – This is so funny! When I got to “And then I bang the phone repeatedly on the countertop.” I thought I hit the highlight, but not the bathroom really had me ROFL. Thanks Kris.
Rhonda -
Yay!
Thank you, babe.
Love that.
I love this so much right now.
Especially cuz yesterday morning I was in the car with my husband and I was all “We never asked my mom if she can pick me up from work.” And my husband was like “Oh yeah. You’re right.”
(cricket, cricket)
No words are exchanged after that during the 10 minutes it takes for us to pull into the driveway.
By this point I am seething. “So uhmmm… what’s supposed to happen to me after work? Am I supposed to tap my feet together 3 times? Is there a teleportation app for my iPhone now? DO I HAVE WINGS ON MY BACK WITH WHICH TO FLY?” He looks at me all crazy. “I sort of… uhmmm… usually you just figure those things out.”
SNAP! “Oh yes husband, THAT IS JUST GREAT. I will just do everything okay? I am all superman and you are the DAMSEL in distress and we can just assume I will be in charge of solving all future problems that arise.”
SLAM! (the car door)
“That is great HUSBAND! THAT IS JUST SO GREAT!”
SLAM! (Throwing my keys against a brick wall)
SLAM! (Going inside the house)
And later, a text message from him of apology. I am all “Pretty sure I am doomed to a life of getting to be the only in charge adult forever! Yay! Obviously I am SO excited about this revelation. In fact this morning I flung my keys in a show of pure, ecstatic joy! YAY!”
SLAM! (My phone on the table)
I am being really mature after that and ignoring the rest of his text messages. So later, when we are home…
SLAM! SLAM! SLAM! (Pots and pans as I make dinner.)
SLAM! SLAM! (Our plates of food on the table.)
I sit and give him an evil glare. I eat slowly in between shooting the message “DROP DEAD” with my eyes. And then in my head I am all “Damn.”
SLAM! (Realization)
And then I laugh. I say, “You know what sucks?”
My husband says “What?” (This is the first non-threatening thing I have said in the past 8 hours. He is hopeful.)
“I just realized that even though I am completely pissed off at you, I planned and made this dinner only because I knew YOU would love it. Damn it! I am trying to hate you but being in love with you anyways.”
Damn this confusing marriage thing.
Haven -
Once again? There should be some sort of comment crown to hand you. You are absolutely fucking brilliant.
So brilliant.
Kris
No way. I can just completely relate to having a mostly-awesome-but-sometimes-infuriating-husband. And how during those infuriating times responding with excessive amounts of sarcasm and out of control insanity just feels right.
I personally think that women who go on these types of rampages are GLORIOUS and the men who can deal with it and somehow get us past our craziness are the only ones worth being married to for any length of time.
My favorite part of your angry storm of sarcastic genius was definitely “Oh great! I was wondering if you had anything important you would like to share with me while I do this. Don’t worry! I will be listening.” and then smashing the phone into the countertop over and over again.
To use your word? Swoon!
Haven?
You and I are both, to use your word . . . GLORIOUS.
Yes. There are times when being excessively sarcastic and insanely out of control just feels right.
And our husbands are lucky to have us.
They so are.
Haven seriously needs to blog. She would be awesome at this blogging thing!
Just my two cents…
;)
I know.
She is awesome.
agreed! i’d be a follower haven! :)
Yay!
Go TEAM HAVEN!
You know we will keep pestering you, Haven.
We are irritating that way.
Never was very good at that whole “Don’t succumb to peer pressure thing.”
Except I don’t think you technically count as my peer. Because I am a baby. A baby who can drink beer. And also blogs. Starting now. Apparently.
YAY me!
I got to be your very first commenter ever.
Aside from all those losers who probably commented on your old blogs.
I am first!
Go write more stuff right this instant.
Me
HA! HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA.HA!!!!!!
For a bunch of girls I’ve never met, I sure do enjoy y’alll…. :-D
And, yes, I’m married to a “I-can-SO (not!) MULTI-TASK” too….
Sam -
Yay for invisible adoration!
Love that.
Thank you!
You are just so crazy awesome.
I love insanity.
And giggling.
Happy sighs.
I love you, Renee.
You make me happy.
Haven, different story, same ending. Except ours had the additional plot point of him being late to dinner, without having told me he would be, so dinner was slightly overdone. And mine ended up Slammed! in the trash.
Two days later, one or the other of us noticed a smell in the kitchen. I commented, ‘the disposal is broken, remember, so when I cleaned the fridge some actual food was put in the trash, so, smell. ‘ I’d forgotten about my mad. That smell was NOT from a closed, outdated yogurt.
smart man did not say a word. not one word. about what food was smelling up the kitchen.
Karen -
A very smart man indeed.
Very.
Want to hear my conversation fix-it?
I took the lock off the bathroom. If my dear hubby can’t take the time to listen to me. I’ll make sure he listens to me.
I’ll sit by the open door of the bathroom and talk his head off during his “quiet time”. Few times of that, he is all for sitting down for a minute or two and listen to me vent. :o)
Adriana -
I will tell with absolutely no doubt in my mind . . .
Mark would not even care.
He has the ability to block me out.
He would so not care.
HE ANSWERED HIS PHONE WHILE HE WAS IN THE BATHROOM!
He would not care.
If Debby reads this, I’ll be pissed. If she gets any insane ideas from your insane conversation. I’ll be pissed. Not angry. Pissed. You know she’s the type to not only take what you have passed on, but she’ll SO do her best to improve on it.
I still love ya too. Dork.
Axel -
I am completely confident that Debby will be able to take what I have started here and improve upon it. Debby kicks ass.
How happy am I that the ass she kicks is not mine?
Lucky you.
Snort!
OMG How I get this!!! I finally had a conversation with my husband (when I was not pissed off with him) that if he truly needed to be doing something when I asked if he was busy, then JUST.SAY.YES! I will be less mad if I really need a minute and you say you are busy than if you say you aren’t and then don’t really listen. He is okay about remembering his conversation, but sometimes he doesn’t and I yell…a lot.
Mommy C -
Exactly! Just say you are busy! Tell me you’ll call me back when you have time to talk!
Why are you talking to me if you have to email people?
Or use the bathroom?
Geez.
Yelling is required.
You are so beyond ridiculous. I know you know that. I know you know that I know you know. But did you know that I know that you know that I know?
I know, right? Pass me more NyQuil.
And thank you for the guest post. You’re blowing peoples minds at my place.
Ms. Surferwife at whose home I guest-posted –
I AM NOT RIDICULOUS. I am appropriate to the occasion. Always.
And I am so happy people are coming to visit us over at your house.
That’s awesome.
Kris
LMAO – next time i feel that i’m not getting the listening i deserve, i’m going to slam my phone down. LOL. i get it from my hubby not very often – but a friend who lives in florida, she does it to me ALL. THE. TIME. soooooo frustrating! if you are busy and need to go, then call me back! i have kids, i understand that they might interrupt a conversation now and again. but if i am sitting listening to you talk/yell at your kid for more than 30 seconds, then POOF! i’m gonna hang up. and then i’ll blame it on a dropped call. LOL. if only i had the balls to say “oh, you weren’t talking to me anymore, so i figured i didn’t need to sit on the end of the phone and breathe in your ear”. lol.
Sarah -
I do that when I am talking to friends. Or relatives.
What? We got disconnected during that long stretch in which you were doing something other than talk to me, the person YOU called on the phone?
That is so weird.
Stupid unreliable phone service.
Yep.