People?
If you did not get a chance to check out my Featured Bloggers . . . Do that, because they are way fucking awesome and deserve your attention. Plus? They are hysterically funny.
They are right over there on the right hand side of my blog.
Or read the post I put up earlier. Click.
Ben, Sheri, and MKP.
Love their funny words.
And now?
Imagine this next part in a sing-songy voice . . .
I am on my laptop! I am on my laptop! I am on my laptop!
Yay!
Mark is so amazing. He tamed the sassy taunting laptop, and now it is doing my bidding! I have emerged from my basement! I am typing as I sit at my dining room table!
I know it is late on Sunday night, but I am all laptoppy and giddy. So a-posting I will go.
Too scattered to put together a story for you, so instead I will tell you . . .
Ten Things My Daughters Have Said Today
(With no context provided)
1) Mother! Are you on the internet? I command you to order me a gift this instant! I command it! Kidding. Unless you might have actually obeyed my command and ordered me a gift, and then I am not kidding. Are you ordering me a gift, by any chance? Rats.
2) Mom! Persie pooped on my finger! A tiny ball of brown poo that smells like root beer eraser putty, so don’t smell it or it won’t be funny. Persie pooped on my finger! Augh! I am poo-doomed!
3) OK, I need to buy some make-up remover, because I tried to take off the red lipstick, but now it just looks like I have been attack-kissed by a boy with a huge sucking mouth. Not that I would know what that would look like, but in my imagination? Sucker-boy did this.
4) Stupid dead fish. I fed him and I fed him and I fed him and now look at him. Dead and stupid. Flush him. I am not even saying goodbye. He annoys me.
5) Ready, Kallan? Let’s play OPPOSITE DAY! It will be a lot of fun and I will be so incredibly nice to you. It will be amazing and you will want to play this game with me every day. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
6) Daddy put a hat on my head without permission. I would like you to speak to him about this offense.
7) I texted you! Where is your phone? Find your phone and read my text and then text me back. Did you text me yet? Did you see my text? I texted HI. Did you see it? Text me back. I got it! Really? You can’t think of something more interesting than HI BACK to say? Yes, I know that I am right here. What’s your point?
8) Have your boobs always been this big and bossy? I could be suffocated! These are like the boobs of death! Has Daddy seen these things?
9) Seriously, Daddy? Mommy gets a laptop? That is so not fair. I asked Santa for a laptop and I totally didn’t get one. I should be ahead of Mommy in the laptop-getting line. What do you mean, I should save my money? That will never work.
10) You are only paying for basic Kallan. There are special features and upgrades that can only be unlocked with candy. Yes, listening and following directions ARE on the list of possible candy upgrades! You are so smart.
Happy sighs at my crazy daughters.
Happy sighs at being out of the basement.
Happy sighs at being married to Mark.
Have a great Sunday night, people!
See you tomorrow!
Much love.
Oh, and if you are unable to figure out who is speaking in each case?
That would be MKKKMMMKKK.
But you knew that.
Am I first???
Yay!
Silly firstie you.
I am never sure. The webpage was so slow I didn’t think I got it :)
*way too competitive*
I know my site has been slow lately.
I know.
Mark has promised to help me resolve this issue.
But it is not a small issue. Moving the blog may be required.
Sigh.
That was fun! Do it again!
Renee -
Did you really have any doubt about who was speaking?
They have very unique voices, my daughters.
Yes they do. I wasn’t having doubts.
Just loved the little bites of each.
Renee -
Love that! Thank you.
Yay!
You called this Sucker boy when it could have been Big Boobs of Death??????
Your girls are so funny. “Did you see my text????” yeah I know I’m standing right here but I really need you to text me something really long so I can have the joy of getting a text because none of my friends can text on their phones so you are all there is.
Glad you got your laptop all set up nice. Laptops are great. I never use the desktop anymore.
But you will need a really big umbrella if you want to use it outside.
Just saying.
Haha…this is exactly what it is like in my house right now.
At any given point you will see my children looking at their cell phones texting me..or the latest…they seem to think that if they insult one another through text it doesn’t count.
Someone should explain about the whole providing evidence thing. haha
Christina -
Yes.
Exactly like that.
Our house is exactly like that.
Snort!
Lizzie -
Kallan texts with her friends endlessly. Maj has fewer friends with whom she cares to text, and so when she gets bored, she texts me. And then she harasses me endlessly about texting her back in sufficient fashion.
When Maj’s friends text her? She is all dismissive.
“Why are they texting me? They have nothing to say!”
Snort!
I’m pretty sure our daughters would be friends. You can borrow them sometime if you ever want to find out what it’s like to have two of each of your girls. I have family in Oregon..we visit often. :-)
My eldest does have her own laptop and they both have cell phones. My kids are so fucking spoiled.
Glad your out of the basement. I must have missed why you were there to begin with. I can’t wait to finish my office so I can be out of the dining room.
Christina -
It’s a finished basement, but it’s a basement. It’s where we set up our offices when we moved in. We didn’t give a lot of thought to how isolated we were down there, because we kept one another company.
Now that it’s just me down there during the day?
Lonely. And basementy.
Yay for escaping!
Love it! HAS Mark seen those things? Snort!
SNORT!
Big Boobs of Death…Has Daddy seen these things?…LMBO! Priceless!
Allyson -
Kallan makes me laugh so much.
So much.
WTF is root beer eraser putty???
And I love, love, love the stupid dead fish comment. Dying, srsly.
Lindsay -
You know that blue tacky putty you can use to hang posters on the wall?
This stuff is like that . . . but scented and with erasing powers.
It is banned at the girls’ school for obvious reasons.
Such a bummer, according to the girls.
Ahhh, ok. I was unaware of the existence of this substance. Now I’m all up on the latest trends. Whew.
Lindsay -
You do know about Silly Bandz, though . . . right?
I would hate to think that you might be that out of touch.
Snort!
I do know of silly bandz. I even got to be the “fat wrist model” on the local news to warn against the dangers of too tight silly bands. I lead such a glamorous life!
Lindsay -
You are indeed living the life!
Is this story on your blog?
Link, please!
Big boobs of death??
This I love. So much.
I think I will start referring to mine as the Big Boobs of Death. Altho with all of this pregnancy poofing? I’m not sure “big” adequately describes the situation. Even when paired with “boobs of death.”
My center of gravity may have shifted. A bit. Ahem.
Ms. WTH -
I do not even have “boobs of death.”
Oh, but when I was pregnant? Maybe then . . . I got HUGE.
Snort.
Huge.
Hysterical! Oh, I miss the days when my kids were at home. Four daughters here. Yeah. THOSE were the days.
So much fun, these daughters of mine.
So . . . much . . . fun.
Ahahahaaha – Basic Kallan. You should warn everyone when you decide to upgrade. The world might not be ready for fully enhanced Kallan.
MKP -
I cannot even begin to imagine what fully enhanced Kallan would be like.
Cannot even imagine.
But yes . . . warnings and emergency preparations would be required.
Definitely.
I love it.
I am jealous.
Today my kids said,
“Squeeeeeeal!”
“Crrrrrrrryyyyyyyyy!”
“I don’t want Sesame Street”
“I don’t want Sesame Street”
“I don’t want Sesame Street”
“I don’t want Sesame Street”
“I want banana chips”
“I want banana chips”
“I want banana chips”
“I want banana chips”
“Squeeeeeeeeal!”
“I want more banana chips”
“Crrrrrryyyyyy!”
“I do wees”
“This milk is too cold”
“I want Sesame Street”
“Screeeeam”
The last one was me.
Angie -
But soon? This part of your life with your children will pass. More quickly than you can believe, it will pass.
And then your children will be sassy and filled with sarcasm and vocabulary and brilliance and all things objectionable.
Yay!
Snort.
It is fun.
But those younger years? They were fun as well.
Much less backtalk, as I recall.
That part was fabulous.
Maybe less talkback but not completely void of. There is lippiness in them thar pre-schoolers.
But yes. You’re right. I must embrace the joy of now.
Embracing with vodka is acceptable, no?
Angie -
Lippiness! That is the perfect word for preschool sass!
Lippiness.
Yes.
And Vodka is acceptable.
I will just be here with my beer.
Cheers!
You know what I loved about this? I’m pretty sure I knew who said each of those quotes – that’s how perfectly you have rendered their personalities over time.
Madeleine -
Thank you!
I provided a key for those who weren’t positive.
But yes . . . my girls have very distinctive personalities.
Yes, they so do.
I didn’t even see the key. Silly me.
90% correct isn’t bad, but I had #7 down as Kallan for some reason. Something about the texting for attention.
Snort!
Madeleine -
As I mentioned elsewhere in these comments? Kallan texts endlessly with her friends. Maj grows bored with texting and shuts her friends down.
And then she gets really bored and texts me.
Snort!
Obviously it was Kallan who got pooped on.
Maj would have never never never reacted so calmly!
snort.
Cathy -
Interestingly, though? Because the poop involved was of the root beer scented putty sort? Maj was playing the game as well.
As long as the poo isn’t real?
Maj is all good.
Welcome to the Fabulous World of Mobile Computing! You will never be the same. Now you get to worry about battery life & where the wall plugs are located when you’re out & about. But you can’t beat the fun of tweeting from your couch – you’ll see.
Those girls of yours are also too fabulous for words, although you do a masterful job of rendering them for our amusement. I love the way that they wield their own words. Sometimes wheedling, sometimes Whac-A-Mole. *grin*
Wait. This thing needs batteries?
Uh oh.
Oh, Daddy has seen them….and if they are a modus of Death? That’s how he wishes to go out. All Bossy Big Boobs of Death style.
How do you keep sneaking your comments past me?
You are all kinds of sneaky.
And Mark is all on board with the boob attack . . . just short of death, he says.
Bring it on!
Snort.