Fuck it.
There are things over which I have control and there are things over which I have limited control. I have been throwing all the resources I have at my disposal at this whole “slow-blog” thing. I really have.
But there are only so many blow jobs one can offer Tech Support Guy before one begins to suspect that Tech Support Guy’s motives may not be entirely pure.
Damn it. My blog is slow!
Please help me, Tech Support Guy! Please? I will make it worth your while.
::sounds associated with Tech Support Guy’s while being made worthy::
Damn it. My blog is still slow!
Tech Support Guy? Is there anything I can do to make my blog your top priority?
::sounds associated with Tech Support Guy’s priorities being rearranged::
Damn it! My blog is still slow!
See? I am suspicious.
In not entirely unrelated fashion . . . Why is it that when I brush my teeth and I run the toothbrush over the back of my tongue, I always gag? In fact, it’s become part of my toothbrushing ritual . . . brush all of my teeth, spit, brush some more, spit, and then brush my tongue, reach to the back . . . gaaakkakakaakakaaaaaak . . . rinse . . . and I am done.
Yay! Once again, I stopped just short of barfing and my mouth is all fresh!
Happy minty sighs.
I know you are thinking I have lost the thread of my conversation with myself, but I have not!
Here is the thread . . . I do not gag when trying to get my blog to speed up, so why do I gag when I am brushing my teeth?
Don’t you think that’s odd?
Mark is not here, but I can already hear him protesting about the fact that I might leave you with the impression that he is somehow less than a toothbrush.
I am all snickery at that thought.
Ahem.
So why is my gag reflex activated in one situation and not the other? It can’t just be the minty nature of the toothpaste . . . I am able to eat candies of the minted sort without making disturbing hairball sounds. It can’t just be the fact that the toothbrush has little bristles, can it?
OK, I am now all disturbed at the thought of a bristly penis.
Ack! Maybe it is the bristles, because that image is making me gag a little.
OK, and now I am thinking . . . why is this penis bristling at all? How dare this penis react in an angry and offended manner when I am just here being all friendly? Stop that bristling, little man!
You know how when you say a word a bunch of times, it gets all nonsensical? So bristles are sharp little hairs and bristling is getting angry and offended and bristle bristle bristle . . . I see angry little cacti that I so do not want to put in my mouth. Especially not if they are going to take a sassy attitude with me.
Little prickers would get everywhere. Pricker is the extended form of prick. And prick is a penis that is all offended and bristly about the fact that I have just called it a cactus except it sort of is like a cactus because don’t cacti swell and get all engorged with water and then shrivel over time as they wait for the dry spell to end?
Snort! Wait for the dry spell to end . . . that sounds sexual as well!
Plus also . . . bristle, bristle, bristle . . . Bristle is the extended form of bris, which involves a snipping of the penis bristle, and so no wonder the penis is all bristly and annoyed. How happy am I that we did not have boys, because the de-bristling thing sounds horrific.
Although having dealt with both sorts? De-bristled penis is definitely the way to go.
Does everyone’s mind work this way?
Plus also . . . does the whole English language revolve around penises?
Back to gagging.
Maybe it’s not the bristles at all.
Maybe it’s something about the spitting that makes a difference. Because no way am I swallowing that nasty stuff. So maybe the fact that I am tense . . . guarding against the possible swallowing . . . makes a difference.
No way do I want to swallow toothpaste. That’s just nasty.
People? This whole post is going to hell in a handbasket.
No wait . . . this post blows.
Slowly.
OH! I just thought of something!
“Blog” plus “slow” equals BLOW!
Pretty All True and I both blow!
We are awesome!
Snort!
Last night, Mark and I are in bed. I am silent, but it is a heavy weighted silence that is fraught with emotion. Sometimes I get all annoyed when I am the only one who seems to be aware of these heavy weighted silences, so I am relieved when Mark says . . .
“What is this between us? It feels like there is a lot of . . . ” and he pauses midsentence to search for the perfect word.
I don’t help him, but I am touched that he recognizes that the next word is an important word. I have suggestions . . . tension, uncertainty, vulnerability, emotion, anxiety, fragility, distance, neediness . . . words like that. I lie there in the dark and wait to see which he chooses. Whatever he says next? I am feeling happy that he has opened this discussion. How lucky am I to have such a sensitive and empathetic husband?
He starts again, “Between us . . . it just feels like there is a lot of . . . space.”
And he rolls toward me, as shallow as can fucking be.
He just wants to have sex and is remarking on the impossibility of this activity as we are currently situated in the bed.
I start to laugh hysterically, “Oh my god, babe. I do love a man who chooses his words with such care.”
And then there was sex.
Today?
My blog is still slow.
Pretty All True is still BLOWING.
Fuck.
Fuck Tech Support Guy.
Wait.
Hmmmm.
Bwahahahahaha! You are the best kind of blow though! You’re the kind I would wait for!
Also, today your blog has been loading Super Fast for me. Maybe I’m just special…
Related, I must be special since I was The Number One Commenter today. That never happens to me…
Amy -
You are all kinds of special.
Much love to you, first and dedicated commenter!
Much love.
I totally GAG while brushing my tongue. EVERY time. But getting rid of the tongue funk is worth it. And I dont gag while doing the job. UNLESS, the person receiving the JOB decides to help by pushing on my head.
PS – I just figured out why they call it giving head. For real. The term blowjob still mystifies me though. BLOW? How much pleasure would a guy get if you just started blowing on his ween like it was a birthday candle?
Melissa -
There is NO head pushing going on over here. Ever. That’s a rule.
As for the origin of the word “blowjob?” I have no idea . . . very little blowing is involved. Snort!
Plus also?
Did you just use the word “ween?”
I am filled with giggles.
Shit.
People think MY mind is convoluted.
I really need to bring more people over here!
Snort.
And I totally gag when I brush my tongue…to the point that I get toothpaste running out of my mouth.
So I have learned?
I need to be naked to brush my teeth.
Cathy -
You need to be naked to brush your teeth?
Really? What if you are already dressed and need to brush your teeth? You strip naked? Really?
That is kind of fabulous!
So in high school, did you spit or swallow or were you more of a gargle show off kind of girl?
Personally, not fond of the bristled types, had seen one once – ugh …
Now I do my best to stay away from them most days … sorry Ian, that blows right?
Nicole -
It was not an issue for me in high school.
And poor blowless Ian.
Really?
That sucks for him.
Oh . . . wait.
No it does not.
You, Kris, definitely have a very complex mind. Maybe too complex for my shrinking cranial capacity, but I understand how your thread of thought is affected by your word association skills and quick wit. Sadly, I had to read your post 3 times, because I just couldn’t get pass the fact that the blow jobs aren’t helping with TS guy. (whom I’m assuming isn’t Mark) WTF? Is his penis made out of rubber (remember I’m assuming he isn’t Mark), in which case he’ll probably never need one, that this ultimate act of sacrifice you’ve made for PrettyAllTrue is not enough for him to make this a priority? Again, WTF?
Vanita -
Mark has things to do lately that are not me.
I need a new Tech Support Guy.
Hee hee!
And seriously . . . Mark has been trying to speed things up, but there seems to be an issue of some sort. And there are server issues. And I am just so fucking over it, I cannot even tell you.
Sigh.
Btw, the blog is loading pretty wick for me too
I know. Can you say “intermittent issues?”
Annoying.
Thanks for letting me know, babe.
Ya know I read that post 3 times until I was sure Mark wasn’t the tech guy and decided you were just being all metaphorical and the bj stood for u going out of your way for the TS guy. Thanks for screwing with what’s left of my brain Kris. Ha! Screwing. Better than BJs? I think not.
Seriously?
Oh, you have made me giggle!
Mark is my only Tech Support Guy.
And the blow-jobs are not metaphorical.
Snort!
Brushing teeth/tongue.. Makes me gag every time.. Every single time. And, I totally get why CathyJoy does it naked. So much easier. I’ve taken to brushing my teeth in the shower (my husband’s habit rubbing off on me).
The other thing, very rarely makes me gag.. though there has been a time or two.
Hope your blog gets working better soon.. It’s been loading pretty good for me, considering I’ve been on it almost all day in the archives.. :)
I am glad that you have been able to navigate through the archives without issue today. Yesterday, I had some load times of over a minute. Over . . . a . . . minute.
It seriously makes me want to just bail on the whole thing until everything is fixed.
It really does. I am all mature that way.
I hate talking about performance issues . . . unless they are related to my actual performance.
In which case, bring it on.
But slow load times?
That shit just makes me want to take a nap.
For the rest of the week.
Sigh.
So a buddy of mine has this other hot friend.
A couple of years ago, I learned this hot friend had become single.
So I made a few subtle inquiries.
My buddy looked at me soberly.
“You don’t want to go out with him.”
I immediately decided I HAD to go out with him. Until my buddy told me why.
Turns out, this hot friend had some sort of penis issue as a baby. The doctors took skin from his ass and grafted it onto his penis.
That ass skin? Grows hair. Which he has to shave.
My buddy’s hot friend? Has a bristly penis.
I have decided to take my buddy’s word for it.
In possibly related news, I gag on the toothbrush too! I honestly thought I might be the only one.
We should start a club!
We Gag on Toothbrushes (But Not Penises)
PS Your blow rocks.
Nic -
Can I tell you how delighted I am that you are here today with this story? Oh my god, you have made me laugh! I needed to laugh today.
And that cannot be true! Although I did blog one time about how I read that in burn victims, doctors can graft anus skin to a person’s lips if such a grafting is required.
But ass to penis? I have never heard of such a thing. Making a note to Google that in a bit. Yay!
And we should so have a club!
I want that T-shirt!
Snort!
And thank you.
Happy sighs at your comment here today.
Thank you.
You are so welcome, lovely Kris!
As to the story, either it’s true, or my buddy has come up with a brilliant scheme for getting laid more than his hot friend.
But that I was told this story? Is one hundred percent true.
So glad it made you laugh.
Because it sure made me laugh.
Poor hot bristly penis friend.
Nic -
If the story is true? Love it.
If the story is a lie and just a way for your buddy to get laid? I love that even more.
Snort!
Poor hot bristly penis friend.
So much giggling!
in related news?
the hubs had to have a skin graft (from his lower belly) between his fingers when he was a kid and now?
he grows a pube on his knuckle!!
snort.
Cathy -
Who knew there were so many people growing the wrong kind of hair in the wrong kinds of places?
That is so fucking awesome!
Do you mock him relentlessly?
I so would.
I am mature that way.
Ahem.
I would so point out his camel-finger.
I so would.
oh…
there is so much to mock.
but i do make it a point to mention the camel-finger whenever i can.
especially in mixed company.
i so do.
I do love you.
Snort!
I followed that without blinking.
Totally followed your train of thought right into the station..
Now I must wonder if maybe offering a BJ would work on my mechanic… would my car be serviced better, faster, cheaper?
Funny thing I read in the book I am reading about a woman who offered to do a bj in exchange for a tow to the garage and I asked a male friend what the limits of exchanging a bj for were – he looked a me confused, apparently there is no limit there for men and bjs. Hmm.
Men are really that simple.
M
Mishelle -
Happy sighs. This was not actually one of my more convoluted posts, if you ask me. But not everyone knows to lean into my turns.
Ahem.
And the blowjobs I have to trade? Can only purchase what Mark is able to provide in exchange.
That may be part of the problem.
I may need outside help.
Shhhh . . . don’t tell Mark.
He is simple, but he is mine.
Love that man.
Happy sighs.
I have a lot of happy sighs for you and your lovely Mark.
I always end up going for outside help but to be honest – no one wants me fixing anything computer for them. No one.
SNORT!!
Please, the kids got worried tonite as I had to update a file on my kindle – both kids have books on it and both kids were worried I’d lose their books! I think J had his fingers crossed… Al sat there looking worried as I followed instructions.
Not even my kids trust my puter abilities.
M
Snort!
Neither of my daughters trust my abilities on the computer either!
Whenever they have an issue they are unable to resolve on their own, they just stop what they are doing and wait for Mark.
Wise, probably.
But annoying.
Snort!
As always a wonderful delivery of wit that leaves you wanting to…brush your teeth. Wait..how the hell does that happen? Only you!
For a while I thought it was my computer, then I realized it only did it on your blog. I had to unsubscribe from you on my Kindle cause you froze me. I was sad. So when things get unglitchy be sure to let us know!
Ok . . . wait.
The delivery on Kindle has nothing to do with me.
That is 100% Amazon. So a glitch there that froze your Kindle? That’s totally an Amazon issue to be resolved through their customer representatives. I have NOTHING to do with the delivery of Pretty All True to the Kindle.
Completely different issue.
But I am so happy you are reading!
Love that.
That bastard lied to me!
He told me that since it froze on your blog twice that it was you and not Amazon cause it was working fine after I did a hard boot and unsubscribed from you.
Sons of bitches.
I hate to butt in but Amazon sent out an update to the kindle system today… maybe that’s what it was?
The kindle needed it work right..
ps – I don’t mean to interrupt but I figure it might be related…
By all means interrupt away! When it froze the only thing it would do was load a blank screen that read Pretty All True at the top. I called tech support and they walked me through the hard boot and it did it again. It would let me get on the store and read other blogs and newspapers but froze on Kris’ so when I called back the second tech guy said it was the blog and told me to unsub.
I hope it was just it updating. I hate being lied to though. Grr!
Hmmm . . . You know I have limited expertise in this area.
So I am bailing on this part of the conversation.
And I will hope that the update fixed whatever was going wrong with the Kindle.
Thanks, Mishelle!
Sigh.
We provide Amazon with a special RSS-type feed that they then convert to their Kindle format.
I just checked that feed, and there are no problems or reports of problems.
Freezing that was the fault of Pretty All True would happen before they even tried to get it to your device.
I will double-check with Mark on this.
Thanks for the heads-up on lazy-ass Amazon customer service reps.
I’m just glad it wasn’t you cause now I can resub! hehe
Sorry for having the wrong info!
I will double-check with Mark.
And I will get back to you.
If there is an issue over at Amazon? I would so appreciate it if they would let me know. So bothersome that they would instruct someone to unsubscribe without being in touch.
So annoying.
That’s all on this topic for now. I will be in touch after I talk to Mark. Much love.
Alright, Mark tells me that he has checked with Amazon and they tell him that there is no reason for anyone at Amazon to have advised you to unsubscribe.
So fucking annoying.
And I am so glad you mentioned it.
Thank you.
I feel bad for mentioning it. :-( I did not mean to cause such annoyance.
I resubscribed on my Kindle last night and spent many minutes reading your blog to my hubby in bed. We laughed for a good long while before going to sleep.
So I wanted to say, thank you!
Christina -
Silly you! I am not annoyed with you. Not at all. I am delighted you said something so that I can straighten it out.
Thank you! Really.
Kris
posts like this one today make me laugh around every corner, shaking my head, wondering where you will take me next! LOL!!! i love them!!
i brush my tongue every time, too….it’s my fave part. but, no gagging here. so, sadly, there isn’t any need to brush my teeth naked on a regular basis. however – i have brushed my teeth naked before getting into the shower, and the way the deflated-post-nursing-two-babies boobies wiggle back and forth is both hilarious and disturbing. perhaps hilariously disturbing!
also – blog is loading fast for me today too! hoping to bang through the last half of the archives while i’m kidless! :) you’re all sorts of entertaining!
Sarah -
Happy sighs that I have made you laugh today! Love that more than I can say. Yay!
And just how vigorously are you brushing your teeth that your boobs are wiggling in hilarious and disturbing fashion?
Snort!
I would so watch that vlog.
Ahem.
Firstly? Funny *always* trumps everything. Funny makes me all tingly…
I have the same toothbrush issue. I’m dedicated to eradicating tongue funk. Sometimes the gagging helps if I have a chest cold. I’m not good at hacking things up. Ahem.
The other? I’m fine with. Usually. This morning sickness thing is making it tougher. Plus? I have a head pusher.
I try to explain the physics of needing to breathe and how this is not possible with a giant thing in your throat (hence the development of things like the Heimlich maneuver…).
He doesn’t seem to get it. I *hate* the head pushing. But if I gag? I bite inadvertently. He’ll learn. Eventually…
Ms. WTH -
Here’s how I have dealt with head-pushing in the past . . . and never with Mark . . . Mark is not a pusher.
Listen, you. You push my fucking head one more time and you will be trying to find a way to push your own head low enough to blow yourself, because I will be OUT OF HERE.
That worked.
It so did.
We do not bristle snip our boys in this family. My son is perfect the way he was born, the way God intended him to be. Bristle snipping is bad! And I do not enjoy *ahem* brushing teeth. Not even if Rob knew how to fix my blog lol. Which reminds me. One day while newly pregnant I was performing the dreaded tooth brushing with Rob, and I almost threw up on him. Hyper emesis and “bristles” do not mix. Ahhem.
Amy -
With all due respect to the way God made men?
“Brushing one’s teeth” is far more enjoyable if the bristles have been removed.
Just saying.
One woman’s opinion.
I agree for that, but as for the whole shabam? Much better with bristles. However my husband was de-bristled so I must settle out of love. Snort!
So you are dooming your son to a blowless life?
Is that what I am to understand?
Snort!
I have a gag reflex of steel. Seriously. When pregnant I spend about 20 hours a day for 9 weeks nauseated, but rarely actually throw up. I’ve even tried to make myself and can’t. Toothbrush down the back of the throat, no gag. Penis down the back of the throat..no gag. Great for me and my husband unless I’m nauseated and WANT to throw up.
Mandie -
I never threw up when I was pregnant. I felt nauseated a lot, but I never threw up.
If I actually get sick, though? No problem barfing.
At all.
Barfing makes you feel better in that situation.
It so does.
I can not have anything to do with a bristly penis. That just sounds all kinds of foul and gross.
I gag when I brush my teeth but not when I give a BJ. BUT it did take me a few years to get to that point. Guess it just depends on the guy…
And now I too am wondering why it’s called a blowjob. Can you imagine the looks on our husband’s faces if we started to blow on their penises?
Who knows they would probably think it was a turn on. You know how weird people can be…
Snort!
Stasha -
Did you read Nic’s comment? Happy sighs at bristly penis man who needs to shave his ass-dick. Happy sighs.
Nic makes me happy.
I may have to do some research on why a blow-job is called a blow-job.
There must be a reason.
There must be.
Yes!
I read Nic’s comment and almost died!
How the hell would you shave that? God forbid if you accidentally nick your dick… How would you explain that to the ER department??
Maybe Nair?
Or would that burn?
Oooooh . . . and then skin grafts would be required.
Snort!