In the car, headed out to dinner last night.
“AIAIAIAIAEEEEEEAIAIIAAEEEEEEE!”
Fuck!
I take a deep calming breath before I speak, “Oh my god, Kallan. You are seat-belted in the back of a Honda minivan. No way you are injured in such a way that screaming is required.”
“AIAIAIAIAEEEEEEAIAIIAAEEEEEEE!”
“Stop screaming!”
“IS SHE SCREAMING, MOTHER? I CAN’T HEAR ANYTHING BECAUSE MY EARS ARE ALL CLOGGED UP. IS SHE SCREAMING?”
“Yes, Maj.”
“WHAT?”
“YES, YOUR SISTER IS SCREAMING. BE QUIET, MAJ!”
“GEEZ! WHY ARE YOU SO CRABBY, MOTHER?”
Annoying.
“AIAIAIAIAEEEEEEAIAIIAAEEEEEEE!”
“Kallan, either tell me what’s wrong or HUSH.”
“You don’t even care about me.”
“I care about you, but we are all in this car together and you are giving me a headache. So stop screaming and use your words.”
“ITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTS!”
“I need more words than that. Seriously, Kallan. What hurts? TALK.”
“AIAIAIAIAEEEEEEAIAIIAAEEEEEEE!”
“That’s it. Mark, pull the car over.”
He does.
“AIAIAIAIAEEEEEEAIAIIAAEEEEEEE!”
Fuck.
“ISN’T ANYONE GOING TO TELL KALLAN TO STOP SCREAMING?”
“I did, Maj.”
“WHAT?”
“AIAIAIAIAEEEEEEAIAIIAAEEEEEEE!”
“I DID TELL HER TO STOP SCREAMING!”
“WOW, SEEMS LIKE YOU ARE TOO CRABBY TO GO OUT TO DINNER, MOTHER.”
“BE QUIET, MAJ!”
“FINE.”
Fuck.
“AIAIAIAIAEEEEEEAIAIIAAEEEEEEE!”
“Kallan, are you listening to me?”
“Yes.”
“If you scream like that again, we are going home and you are going to bed. Do you understand me?”
“Yes, but . . .”
“No yes-but, if you scream like that again, we are going home and you are going to bed. Do you understand me?”
“Yes.”
“OK, so take a deep breath and tell me what’s wrong.”
“I pinched my ear with my earring.”
Are you fucking kidding me?
Deep breath.
“Babe, that must have hurt. What can I do for you?”
“IT’S BLEEDING!”
“Let me see.”
“IT’S BLEEDING!”
“Yes, you said that. It’s only a tiny bit of blood. I’m sure it hurts, but it’s a tiny bit of blood. Let me get you a tissue.”
So of course, there is not a single fucking tissue in the car. Not one.
Someone whose name is Mark cleaned out the car and now there are no tissues.
I search the areas around me and come up with two possible options.
I hand the first to Kallan.
“Seriously, Mom? I am supposed to sop up blood with a glove? Anyway, this is MY glove! I’m not ruining my glove with ear blood!”
“OK, fine. Then what about this?”
“I AM NOT PUTTING A KOTEX ON MY EAR!”
Mark is all reasonable, “Why not? They’re made to sop up blood.”
“Ewwwwwww . . . make Daddy stop talking.”
“It’s not like your mother is offering you a USED pad.”
“Make Daddy stop talking!”
“It even has adhesive! You can stick it right to your head!”
“Mommy! Tell Daddy to stop talking!”
Maj leans into the conversation, “WHY DOES KALLAN NEED A KOTEX?”
“FOR HER EAR!”
Maj leans back, “ALRIGHTY, THEN.”
Kallan shoves the still-wrapped package back into my hand, “I am not using this.”
“Fine. I don’t even see any blood, anyway. When we get to the restaurant, we’ll stop by the bathroom and get you cleaned up.”
“If I’m not dead by then.”
“True. If you are dead when we get to the restaurant, you can just wait in the car.”
“That doesn’t even make sense, Mom.”
“What? Dead people wait. That’s what they do. I’m not dragging you into the restaurant and buying you a meal if you are dead.”
Mark is impatient, “Can we drive now?”
“Ooops. Yes, babe . . . go.”
Kallan dabs at her ear with her finger, “It’s still bleeding.”
Mark glances at me, “You know, we do have a First Aid kit if she really needs something.”
“She’s fine.”
“I am not fine! I am bleeding and no one cares!”
“WEIRD HOW NO ONE IS TALKING IN THE CAR DURING THIS TRIP. WE ARE NEVER THIS QUIET, MOTHER!”
Sigh.
Mark speeds up as we enter the freeway, “You know what would be great?”
“What’s that?”
“Liquid nitrogen. A little bit on her ear would stop the bleeding instantly!”
“Ummm . . . and also crack her ear right off.”
“Yes, well there’s that.”
Kallan is incredulous, “Did Daddy just say he would crack my ear off?”
I turn in my seat, “He so did! Luckily, I am here to be the voice of reason.”
Maj interrupts, “ARE WE TALKING ABOUT LIQUID NITROGEN, MOTHER?”
“YES!”
“REMEMBER THAT DOCTOR WHO THREATENED ME WITH LIQUID NITROGEN AND THEN YOU YELLED AT HER?”
“YES, MAJ.”
“I WAS GLAD YOU YELLED AT HER. SHE SCARED ME.”
“THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO. LET’S TALK ABOUT THIS LATER, MAJ.”
“OK, THAT WAS FOR WARTS, THOUGH. DOES KALLAN HAVE A WART ON HER EAR?”
“NO.”
“TELL DADDY HE NEEDS TO BE CAREFUL WITH LIQUID NITROGEN.”
“I WILL.”
“YOU KNOW HOW HE IS.”
“YES, I DO.”
Kallan breaks in again, “HELLO? Girl who is bleeding over here. Girl in pain. Hint . . . her name is Kallan.”
Maj is pissed, “STOP MOVING YOUR LIPS AND PRETENDING YOU ARE TALKING, KALLAN. IT’S NOT FUNNY.”
Mark leans over to whisper to me, “We so should have gotten a babysitter.”
You think?
Sigh.
bahahahaha “You know how he is.”
I still play that moving-lips-no-talking game with my brother when his ears are stopped up. Like last week I did that. It’s a classic. I only wish there were an internet equivalent. Maybe typing and lea in o t so e l t rs
MKP -
Kallan loves that game! The moving-lips-no-talking game.
Just to be clear, though?
She wasn’t playing it in the car. Maj just really cannot hear, and thought Kallan was fucking with her.
Snort!
And I do like your omitted letters game.
Sassy you.
I spent some time with my 9 year old niece and now I know where you get all your stories. If I hung out with that girl all the time I would be able to write EVERY DAY. Such drama. Except it kinda rubbed off on Oscar so now sometimes he says “Just don’t talk to me right now mom!” And I giggle.
Randa -
My daughters are an AWESOME source of material.
Not my only source.
But an awesome source.
Yes, indeed.
Yep. Got a 6 year old drama queen…so…it’s not gonna get better, is it? I’m totally screwed! I’m just impressed your hub cleaned out the car…if only! Funny funny funny…for me, I mean.
Maggie -
Mark is good about stuff like that, except he sometimes cleans too well.
Where is that scrap of paper on which I wrote that important note?
Where is that last bit of cookie I left here on this napkin?
Where is the smashed box of Kleenex I keep in the car?
Yeah.
Like that.
So, actually it was your ears that were bleeding.
I’d forgotten all of those trips. It must be some mental saving thing.
I’ll have to remember to not transport the grandchildren.
I don’t know if that mental block thing is good twice.
Renee -
The only one whose ears weren’t bleeding was Maj, and her ears are all stuffed up.
Next time, cotton balls for everyone.
Geez.
Oh my…constant screaming and yelling. Everyone that was not me would have been walking to that restaurant. I have migraines and this scenario scares the hell out of my very sensitive brain.
I hope your actual dinner was more pleasant.
Still though..your kids are funny. True it’s because they are not mine. haha My girls are currently out front fighting over the correct way to ride a scooter. I’m pretty sure my oldest is trying to talk my youngest into doing something that will in face lead to bleeding.
fact* damn it lol
Christina -
I also get migraines, and no one around here gives a damn.
Annoying.
Dinner was yummy! Mexican. Loud but yummy
My daughters are awesomely funny, but they do get on my nerves. They so do.
And your typo?
I liked it.
Hee hee!
This is why I carry around earplugs in my purse. I still hear all but the quietest conversations. But the yelling & noise? At a normal level.
I think it’s so funny Maj yells with plugged ears. I used to get wax build up when I was a kid. I sounded so loud to me when I talked that I’d speak so soft no one could hear me.
And Mark is right. At least it wasn’t a used kotex. Kotex pads are good for all sorts of things. :)
But my favorite part? I am not going to carry you in and feed you if you are dead. I laughed so hard at that. So sensible.
Lizzie -
Sigh. I cannot do earplugs . . . I am always afraid I am going to miss something important. Even at night, when Mark’s snoring keeps me awake? I can’t use earplugs for fear that I will not hear the girls calling me.
Sigh.
Maj wants me to take her to the doctor for her plugged ears, forgetting that every other time we have done this? The doctor says, “Her ears are stuffed up. Come back if she starts running a fever and we will treat her for an ear infection.”
Every time.
Snort!
sudafed or it’s generic equivalent works well for clogged ears.
I can understand the needing to hear stuff. I used to worry, but then I found even with the earplugs in? I still hear almost everything. Just a lot quieter. It’s really amazing how loud people can be.
And I am wondering how these things are supposed to keep out jet engine noises, as I had my husband steal them from work. I thought they might work better than the ones I got at the store. Nope.
Sigh….
Lizzie -
I have been dosing Maj with Sudafed . . . that never does much.
This part of her cold either passes in a few days or turns into an ear infection. YAY!
Sigh.
I will think about the earplugs . . . but I am way paranoid about missing stuff.
Hmmm.
LOL!!! Oh gosh what a fun time you are heaving!! Now you get a little preview of what Maj will be like as an old lady LOL! And why ARE you so crabby? Tee hee.
Also Mark better have gotten you something or done something for you last night. Otherwise he’s going to be in BIG trouble, should we ever happen to someday meet… coincidentally of course… NO, STOP LOOKING OUT YOUR WINDOW!!!!
*cough*
Amy -
Happily, I will not likely be around to see Maj as a screaming angry old woman. Snort!
And Mark did very nicely for my birthday.
Although, as there were no emotional minefields to avoid this year?
There was really no way for him to get it wrong.
When I am not insane? He is lovely.
“Are we talking about liquid nitrogen, Mother?”
*dead*
I cannot believe you offered her a kotex for her ear. And I totally would have done the same thing.
Angie -
Hee hee!
I love that I made you giggle.
Happy sighs.
As for the Kotex? Duh, right?
That’s what they are for . . . blood.
Snort!
Oh. My. Gosh.
I am LOVING this version of Maj as an 80 year old man who cannot hear.
It is AWESOME.
She is so perfect for this role.
Haven -
She really is sort of awesome as an 80 year old man who cannot hear.
She wanted to stay home from school today.
NO FUCKING WAY.
Off she went, deaf and loud.
Snort!
Wow. Did you actually make it to dinner or turn back for your sanity? OR send the kids back with Mark and have a lovely dinner alone?!?!
M
Mishelle -
We did indeed make it to dinner.
They sat us in a far distant corner of the restaurant. SNORT!
I drank.
It was lovely.
Ahem.
Is it cruel of me to kind of enjoy the MAJ OUT LOUD stuff?
Because it’s really funny.
And yes, you should have gotten a sitter!
Cameron -
Hee hee!
Yes, we should have gotten a sitter. We rarely use babysitters.
But we should have gotten a sitter.
Sigh.
Omg……. I am laughing OUT LOUD here. Mark is too funny. “They are made to sop up blood”. I LOVE that. There is a guy for you, the voice of reason. Does seem to make sense… it was obviously an emergency!! Ha ha ha ha. I love your girls, and I love you and Mark. You all are what a family should be.
PS. Did you survive thru dinner and the ride back home?
Ellen -
Mark is awesome. He really is.
We did survive dinner and the ride back home . . . Although, I had a couple of drinks, so maybe I wasn’t paying as much attention.
Ahem.
So one day I was driving.
I spilled my coffee all through my cars console.
No tissue to be found.
Just……
A tampon.
Wow those suckers (pardon the pun) can hold a lot!
I keep one in my car now just in case!
Leighann -
Oh, that’s awesome! I don’t use tampons, but . . . someone a while back suggested that they would work fabulously for Maj’s nosebleeds.
One up each nostril.
And that image is so incredibly appealing, I am tempted to keep a box on hand.
Hee hee!
You are killing me with MAJ-IN-ALL-CAPS-BECAUSE-SHE-CANT-HEAR-HERSELF-TALKING thing.
WHAT?
When my son (who never shuts up) was about two and a half, he kept telling us, “I’m not talking in my ears.”
Oh, did we get a kick out of that. Laughing at the kid’s insanity. Turned out, he had a raging double-ear infection and his mother was an ass.
Then there’s Kallan with a Kotex on her ear. Oh, my. But I’m dead. Already died laughing.
WHAT?
Julie -
Yeah, Maj gets ear infections sometimes after her ears get clogged.
I have learned to pay attention to small relapses and fevers.
It has gotten ugly in the past.
ACK. Bad mommy.
What?
so maybe Kallen doesn’t need to know that the Red Cross recommends keeping pads in your first aid kit for bloody-type emergencies. I mean, it’s brilliant. they’re designed just for that. obviously Kallen would rather bleed.
and I have to say, I’m liking Maj all stuffed up. she’s reached a level of comedy I hadn’t predicted.
Is that true, about the Red Cross?
That’s fucking brilliant!
And yes . . . Maj is horrific and crabby and loud.
But also quite awesomely funny.
Snort!
it was when I was a kid at least. my parents and I volunteered and my dad taught first aid and CPR. young people were always horrified at the thought but it’s pretty brilliant.
:)
It is pretty brilliant.
I love that idea.
I am so going to pack some in the car’s first-aid box.
Hee hee!