People, if you missed my earlier post about the new Featured Bloggers?
Awesome picks this time . . . Two people you know from my comment section and someone who doesn’t know I exist.
Yet.
Back here?
We somehow never got around to making corned beef and cabbage on St. Patrick’s Day.
I walk into the kitchen this morning as Mark is chopping potatoes and carrots and trimming the corned beef. Tossing things into the crockpot. He turns to me with a smile, “Kallan reminded me that we hadn’t made this yet. She suggested we have it for dinner.”
Hmmm, “You remember Kallan got herself invited to a hockey game with her friend, right?”
Mark’s eyebrows go up, “So that means . . .”
I pour myself a cup of coffee, “Correct. She won’t be home for dinner.”
Mark laughs and shakes his head, “Kallan’s good. You have to give her credit.”
Maj is annoyed, “So what? Nobody cares that Kallan has manipulated us into eating disgusting food?”
Snort!
Maj continues, “Why does she get to go to a hockey game, anyway? That is completely unfair.”
I walk over to hug her, “I’ll take you shopping this afternoon. You wanted to buy a few skirts. We’ll do that . . . without your sister! It will be awesome. A mother-daughter bonding opportunity.”
Maj shrugs out of my hug, “If we could bond without embracing, that would be better, Mother.”
“Fine.”
Later in the day, Maj and I are standing in line at Starbucks. We have visited perhaps ten different stores and Maj has rejected every single item in every single store. Loudly, because even though I haven’t mentioned it in a few days? Maj still can’t hear much, including the sound of her own voice.
So now I need caffeine.
I agree to buy Maj some weird whipped-cream strawberry thing.
We wait for our drinks.
“I DID LIKE THAT ONE SKIRT, MOTHER.”
I lean down to speak into her ear, “Yes, I know. They didn’t have your size.”
“THE ONE I TRIED ON WAS PERFECT, MOTHER. ASIDE FROM THE FACT THAT IT SEGMENTED ME AT THE MIDDLE LIKE A BUG, IT WAS PERFECT.”
“It was too small, babe.”
“THAT’S WHAT I SAID. I WAS SEGMENTED.”
I rest my hand gently on top of her head, “We’ll head over to Target in a few minutes. Maybe they’ll . . .”
Maj interrupts me with raised eyebrows, “WHOA THERE, MOTHER! WHY IS YOUR HAND ON MY HEAD? IS THERE A REASON FOR THIS ODDNESS? EXPLAIN YOURSELF, MOTHER.”
“Sweetie, you are still very very loud. Say hello to the nice people who are all staring at you now.”
Maj glares at them, “DO THEY HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN STARE AT A MOTHER AND DAUGHTER BONDING MOMENT?”
Snort!
Our drinks arrive.
Maj’s drink is topped with whipped cream and it has one of those domed clear lids with a large circular hole, “I WOULD ASK IF I COULD TAKE THIS TOP OFF SO I CAN EAT THE WHIPPED CREAM, BUT I ALREADY KNOW THAT YOU WILL SAY NO AND THEN WE WILL HAVE AN ARGUMENT ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT I WILL SPILL IT WHICH IS JUST SO RIDICULOUS BECAUSE I AM NOT A CHILD AND I WOULD NOT SPILL MY DRINK.”
As she talks, she swings the drink angrily in the air to punctuate her argument, and it slops strawberry icy goodness out onto the floor and onto the front of her shirt and onto her shoes.
Maj stops swinging the drink and stares at the mess, “WELL, THAT IS INCREDIBLY UNFORTUNATE. I GUESS I WILL LEAVE THE TOP ON, MOTHER.”
I help her wipe up the mess.
“SERIOUSLY, MOTHER. DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN STARE AT ME?”
I wipe the pink drink from her blouse, “You all set now, babe?”
Maj rolls her eyes, “NO, MOTHER. THIS HAS BEEN A VERY SERIOUS INCIDENT AND I AM NOW DEAD. IT’S THE DEATH OF MAJ, MOTHER! WEEP FOR THE DEATH OF MAJ!”
Why yes, people of Starbucks . . . we were just heading out.
Sigh.
I put an arm around Maj and usher her toward the door as she tries to extricate her whipped cream from her drink with her straw.
“REALLY, MOTHER? YOU ARE SHOVING ME? WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?”
I lean down again, “Come on, babe. Let’s go to Target.”
“IS THAT WHERE THE NORMAL-SIZED PEOPLE SHOP, MOTHER? BECAUSE I AM NORMAL-SIZED AND I AM TIRED OF THIS NONSENSE.”
“We’ll see.”
She stops and stares at me, “I AM NORMAL, MOTHER. DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE.”
We walk out to the car and start the short drive over to Target.
Maj leans forward hopefully, “HEY, IS THERE ANY CHANCE THAT YOU AND I COULD GO OUT FOR A PIZZA?”
“Nice try, babe.”
“WHAT?”
“NICE TRY.”
She throws herself back into her seat dejectedly, “RATS.”
I wonder how many people from Starbucks are blogging about the mom and daughter they saw bonding?
I love corned beef and cabbage. Husband does not. Sigh.
Poor deaf Maj.
Renee -
I am forever expecting to be directed to a blog link where someone else tells the stories I share here.
Because deaf Maj?
She is post-worthy.
She so is.
I love you.
And…?
Not only is this VERY funny… but your tags are the BEST!
Deb -
Thank you, babe!
And I am very fond of my tags.
Thank you for noticing!
I am a brand new twitter follower of yours, and this is the first post that I’ve read by you. Oh my gosh….this was so funny. And I love your writing–I was watching you two in Starbucks, I swear I could see the whole scene go down.
Greta -
I am not always funny.
Just so you know.
Ahem.
Yay for a new reader!
Welcome.
Kris
Today I bought shoes.
I did not get corned beef and cabbage at all because my kids won’t eat cow.
I had to yell at Himself although he does NOT have an ear infection.
There was no pink stuff anywhere in my life today.
That last part is probably a good thing though.
Lori -
Were they cute shoes?
I hope so.
Love you.
Me
I’m not a huggy person either. If I could bond without embracing? Live would be perfect.
Poor deaf Maj not realizing that she’s LOUDLY announcing EVERYTHING!
I’m not a corned beef and cabbage fan either. It just makes me sick.
LIFE. Life would be perfect. That was what I meant to say. And it will bother me if I don’t correct it.
Amy -
Maj and I generally do our bonding without embracing. This new deaf version of Maj requires more touching . . . guidance. She hates that.
Snort!
And corned beef and cabbage is yummy, silly you!
So yummy.
And I love when people come back to fix typos.
It makes me feel all normal about my own perfectionistic tendencies.
Ahem.
Hee hee!
Corned beef and cabbage?
No thank you. I have never understood why it is called corned beef. I hear corned beef I think of a cow with bad hooves.
I will gladly take fried cabbage though. Although no one will want to be around me after I eat it.
And? I would have loved to have been in Starbucks to watch the mother-daughter bonding moment.
I would have been the one laughing my ass off.
Hee hee!
Stasha -
No asses were laughed off at Starbucks, but there was much giggly staring.
MUCH.
Sigh.
MUCH.
Well I have enough ass that I could giggle a ton and still have ass left over.
Need some ass? I’m your woman!
Snort!
Stasha -
Did you ever see the Berkely Breathed TV Christmas special “A Wish for Wings that Work?”
Opus’ ass falls off.
Funniest thing ever.
You are now a penguin in my imagination.
An assless penguin.
Penguins are cool.
Even assless.
So for you?
I will be “Stasha the Assless Penguin”.
My only question?
Are you pronouncing my name correctly?
Hee!
Hmmmm.
I assumed the a was like the a in ahhhhhh.
As when you open wide and say ahhhh.
Correct or no?
No.
Long a.
Like the a in stay.
Stay-sha.
Really?
That is going to take some getting used to.
You should have mentioned this before now!
Sorry.
Was I supposed to mention it the first time I commented?
Oh by the way? My name is pronounced with a long a.
How silly would that have been?
And how full of myself you would have thought I was.
Heh.
Silly you.
No way you couldn’t have found a way to mention it before now.
Silly STAY-sha you.
….says the writer who didn’t tell us for YEARS how to pronounce “Maj.” And who still hasn’t told us how to say “Kallan” — is it kall-AHN, or KAL-an? Or what? Is it from the Greek? Because that would be lovely and I would have to geek out over it.
Sassy you!
I have so told you how to pronounce Kallan. It’s very much like the first two syllables of calendar.
And it’s also a Scandinavian name (just like Maj), and depending on where you look, it means river or rock or warrior.
I like a combination of those three possibilities.
A nice strong name.
In Greek it means beautiful or noble.
I am ashamed; I have read your entire blog and somehow forgot that you told us how to pronounce Kallan’s name. >sigh<
Sheila -
Don’t feel bad, babe.
I believe I may have done that only in comments.
And I LOVE the Greek meaning.
Love.
Lol at the tags. I am surprised Maj in Starbucks did not question why a small coffee there is called a Tall. I could see her going on about that for an hour or two.
Tim -
I have soooo had the “tall coffee being short” discussion with Maj in the past.
I so have.
does the discussion include that it’s tall because at one point, they sold a short?
At least, according to my daughter the former barista. She may have made it up though. Love her, but she’s never outgrown the childhood habit of ignoring the truth if the story is better.
It is tiring. Her sister gets very involved in correcting her and keeping tabs on her stories. Very. I keep telling her, the sister, to just leave it be unless it involves her own actual life history. She cannot. Truth is required. Corrections must be given, firmly and somewhat angrily. This is tiring too.
You can get a short at Starbucks if you ask for it. Only no one ever does, so they no longer display it. It’s the “secret size” only us small-appetited people know about.
Really?
I did not know that!
Karen -
Without going into enormous detail, I have a family member who revises history to suit his needs.
I have had to learn to let it go.
It’s hard.
And tiring.
I was wondering if Maj was normal speaking yet.
Mother daughter bonding – how sweet. I wonder when my kids will stop wanting me to touch them. My eldest is nine so I figure it’s coming.
I went to Target today. I purchased new measuring spoons, a cheese grater, dough cutter and soap..for my newly pierced nose!
As it turns out, scented soap is horrible for piercings. It burns!
I also bought Starbucks. They always make me repeat my drink order.
Very annoying!
Though there was no yelling. Maybe I’ll yell next time like people do to those who don’t speak English. I have never understood this as raising your voice will not help them understand English, it just makes you look like an asshole.
I digress…
Starbucks is yummy and also a fun job, when people don’t yell at you.
Out of curiosity, what do you order?
Christina -
You got your nose pierced?
That is awesome!
Does it hurt? Aside from the scented burning soap, I mean.
Does it hurt?
Kris
It doesn’t hurt most of the time. It hurts if I brush past it without thinking and oddly enough when I yawn. The worst part is the itch. Hopefully it will past soon.
So are you going to be a small diamond stud sort of girl?
Or a ring?
I am all curious.
Oh, and my order is always the same.
Tall double latte.
No frills.
Whole milk.
I’m all about frills with my drink – gimme a iced double venti vanilla soy latte.
I’m sporting a hoop currently.
Hoop is cute!
I hate iced coffee drinks.
Mark, though? He is all about the girly drinks. Pumpkin spice latte with whipped cream? Gingerbread latte? Chocolate mocha?
Yeah, that’s my husband’s drink.
They always guess wrong.
Segmented?
Awesome.
That’s how I feel in tights, but never had such a fantastic word to fully encapsulate the misery.
Sarie -
Maj has a way with words.
She makes my job here very easy.
Snort!
Segmented.
Hee hee.
THAT’S WHAT I SAID. I WAS SEGMENTED.
*LOVE!*
I’m sorry Maj still can’t hear…and I would have been grinning ear-to-ear in Starbucks (though the vision in my head was almost as good)! Would also love to find the blogs for the ‘other side’ of your stories. Might have to make that a new mission… :-)
Sam -
Let’s just not look for those blogs with the other side of things.
Ack.
Best left uninvestigated.
ACK.
INCREDIBLY UNFORTUNATE. Oh lord. I wish I had in my whole body the self-possession Maj has in her frappe-holding hand.
I too tried on a skirt that left me segmented like a bug today – I don’t know why the universe doesn’t take clothing orders. Wanted: One denim skirt, above the knee but below the vadge, no unnecessary buttons, zippers or furbelows.
MKP -
Maj has a huge temper, and has the ability to be completely incoherent with rage.
But when she is not filled with anger?
She is a very self-possessed young lady.
She kills me.
And yes . . . Maj is a very picky shopper, and her requirements as far as length do not coincide with her body’s requirements as far as width.
Maj wants the universe to take clothing orders as well.
One flowy skirt that ends just above the knee and does not segment one’s body in the middle.
YAY!
I guess I’m an oddball because I love corned beef and cabbage. Though you can leave off the carrots. Raw carrots are great. Mushy carrots cooked all day in a crockpot? Yuk!
So …. “WELL, THAT IS INCREDIBLY UNFORTUNATE. I GUESS I WILL LEAVE THE TOP ON, MOTHER.” Yeah. LMAO that is just the term I would use after spilling pink stuff all over me. OMG. So calm. Other than the yelling part.
Ah. Thanks for the laugh.
I hope the doctor can help. Though slightly deaf Maj is so hilarious. But I’m thinking she is not so popular in school. “BUT I DIDN’T HEAR THE QUESTION. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET CLASS PARTICIPATION CREDIT WHEN YOU DON’T SPEAK UP ENOUGH TO BE HEARD!”
I think a snort is required here.
Snort!
Lizzie -
Maj is calm most of the time.
Until she flips out . . . and that is a sight to behold, let me tell you.
But mostly, she is calm and reasonable.
And just so you know?
She has been very quiet at school this past week.
“I have been following the crowd, Mother. It’s quite annoying.”
Snort!
Lmao following the crowd is very annoying.
I wonder if that will change when she hits high school and crowd following is cool.
Calm Maj and flipped out Maj are both very funny. Though I am sure, as it is happening? Calm Maj is much funnier.
Just saying.
Lizzie -
Maj has never been a follower. At all.
We’ll see what the future brings.
And yes!
I enjoy calm Maj very much.
Very much.
LOL! She is normal sized Kris!! My nieces have abnormally wide hips for 6 and 8 year olds. Curvy kids. So my aunt has to buy them pants that are too big just to fit around their hips, which means we are perpetually seeing ass crack whenever they come over. I don’t even get my camera out around them anymore. I am too afraid of not noticing some ass crack as snuck into my picture until I have posting it somewhere public lol.
Amy -
Maj is just short, but that means that skirts she wants to end above her knee? End far below her knee if they fit her around the waist. She is all annoyed (and rightfully so) at the prospect of the messy alterations I could possibly make.
I am not at all gifted at sewing.
At all.
I love Maj stories!
Spilling while angrily explaining that you won’t spill, hilarious, but so embarrassing when it happens to you. Our carpet downstairs was the victim of a hot wing incident!
Teri -
Maj is a loon.
A self-possessed loon.
And what of this hot-wing incident?
Spill it!
Not literally . . . that would be messy.
The story.
I’m kind of a notoriously messy eater. So my husband would constantly tell me to be careful when we ate in our living room – irritating. He started telling me to be careful as I walked into the room with a big plate of hot wings, so I cut him off with some sassy comment. While I was talking wings started falling off the plate then I over corrected and red, stain-y hot wings were everywhere. Turned out he was trying to tell me the plate was tipping. Franks Red Hot, hard to get out of grey carpet! Even harder to be sassy when your husband tells you to be careful after that!
An even better hot wing story was the time I was impressing my new boyfriend with my culinary prowess. Unfortunately I was too busy flirting it up to notice the smoke billowing out of my stove until the smoke alarm went off and then the alarm company called. Super embarrassing to explain that you were just baking chicken wings and forgot about them while he’s running the charred remains out onto the deck. Luckily he married me and knows I’m not great in the kitchen
Teri -
Yay for two fabulous hot-wings stories!
First? How I hate it when my husband is right about some failing of mine. Hate that.
As for the cooking?
Maj and Kallan joke that I am unable to cook without setting off the smoke alarm.
Sigh. Who puts a smoke alarm so close to the kitchen? Annoying.
WOOPWOOPWOOPWOOP.
Dinner’s ready!
Snort!
I love Maj: “I AM NORMAL, MOTHER. DON’T LET ANYONE TELL YOU OTHERWISE.”
Yes, you are normal, Maj. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
<3
Maj is fabulous.
Love that normal girl.