Maj and her friend are upstairs making cookies.
I have been sent out of the kitchen, but I can hear their conversation.
I do not hold out much hope for the cookies’ eventual edible nature . . .
“I’m pretty sure baking powder and baking soda are the same thing.”
“We’re out of milk, so we’ll just use half & half.”
“Does two sticks of butter seem like a lot of butter to you?”
“Semi-sweet chocolate. Is that the stuff that kills dogs?”
“Wait. It says we have to refrigerate the dough for three hours. We so do not have time for that. We’ll just skip that step.”
“Why does the oven say it’s at 500 degrees?”
“Hey, if you turn the mixer as high as it will go, the butter actually smashes!”
“I don’t see your box of vanilla. Where do you keep your vanilla box?”
“Want to see a cool thing I can do with baking soda and vinegar?”
“Oops. OK, a little vinegar is not going to hurt the cookies.”
“Yeah . . . my egg has shells in it too.”
“Beat until smooth . . . just leave it . . . smooth takes a while when there are eggshells.”
“They’re our cookies, and I say we add nutmeg.”
“The recipe says it will make 36 cookies, but they always lie. This looks like about 15 cookies to me.”
“This is not even blending. It’s like the ingredients are all allergic to each other.”
“I would turn the mixer off before you add the flour. Because otherwise . . . yeah . . . that’s exactly what I thought would happen.”
“My sister cooks all the time, and she acts like it’s a big deal. This is not even hard.”
“Sifting is an optional step. Don’t worry about it.”
“Does this seem slimy to you?”
“Where’s that scrapey thing? The dough is trying to climb out of the bowl.”
“Who turned the oven off?”
“Is this sugar supposed to be in the dough? I thought we already added sugar. Taste the dough. OK, then . . . good thing we checked.”
“It says to roll this dough in balls. That is so not going to happen.”
“Nah, don’t worry about it. I eat cookie dough all the time and I never get sick.”
“Wait. Did it say to grease the pan?”
“Not trying to be bossy, but if you notice? Your cookies are much bigger than mine.”
“I’m scared to put things in the oven, so we can either call for my mom or do like I always do . . . just stand back a bit and throw the pan in.”
“OK, good thing the cookies are sticky or they would have bounced right off of the pan.”
“High fives! We are chefs!”
“Wait. I thought you set the timer.”
“If we set the smoke alarm off, my mom is going to laugh hysterically, so be prepared.”
“Ummm . . . remember how we are supposed to roll the edges of the cookies in chocolate shavings? These cookies have no edges. If you have some frosting, we could glue the shavings on.”
“That’s not frosting, that’s leftover gravy.”
“Oh man, look at this recipe! We should have made these instead!”
“Yeah, we do have to lock up the dog. He’ll jump right into the oven. He’s stupid that way.”
“I don’t think they are done. See how the middle of the cookies wiggle when I shake the pan? Maybe another minute or so.”
“Hmmm . . . maybe we should have greased the pan.”
Oh my god . . . I am hiding down here in the basement stifling giggles.
I never write about the girls’ friends, so let’s just pretend it’s just Maj talking.
So much giggling.
“OK, so let’s try to make frosting with the chocolate shavings.”
“ACK! The microwave burned the chocolate!”
“Maybe it will work. Do you think it tastes better than it smells?”
“OK, I just thought of something. We were making frosting to help glue on the chocolate shavings, but we used the chocolate shavings to make the frosting. Which, just to remind you . . . we burned.”
“If we were on that show Top Chef, our knives would so be packed right now.”
“These are the most boring cookies in the world.”
“They are shattering. We made cookie shatters.”
“Any chance your mom will let us have ice cream?”
“Hey, yeah! We could crumble these cookies on the ice cream!”
“We are geniuses!”
“You ask her.”
“No, you ask her.”
“She’s your mom.”
“Really? I so did not know that. I wondered why she lived here.”
“So ask her.”
“MOTHER!”
And I’m off.
Hah, First.
Yay!
*cackle* My childhood BFF and I once tried to make cake. From a box. And decided to add things. And wound up with some kind of funfetti sourdough. My knives were so packed after that.
Funfetti sourdough?
Oh my god . . . I cannot stop giggling.
That’s fabulous.
Laughing hysterically at the idea of Maj’s friend standing back and throwing in the pan!
Assuming this is the smaller stupid dog that would jump into the oven? Please write more about the dog with Maj! Their interactions must be priceless.
They are quite the pair, Maj and her friend.
Love them so much.
And yes . . . the stupid smaller dog Jack is the one who would jump in the oven.
He is an idiot.
I am going to have such a hard time when my kiddo starts wanting to cook by himself. Because there will be such messes and wasted ingredients and burnedness and rawness and everything inedible. But these girls are hilarious. I don’t know how you can contain yourself.
They insisted I leave the room, but I know Maj well enough to know I need to stay close.
Ahem.
They were awesomely messy and gloriously wasteful.
And they had so much fun.
And I giggled.
Love that.
LOL!!! Too much butter… Totally did that once myself. She is so your daughter!
Amy -
Yes, Maj is mine.
YAY!
I am very proud.
Snort.
I laughed the entire time reading this. And then had to read it out loud to Jesse. We both laughed. I loved the “Our knives would so be packed right now.” Too hilarious.
Randa -
Oh, that’s just awesome.
I laughed as I was listening and typing.
I laughed hysterically.
But quietly, so as to not attract attention.
Hee hee!
BWAHAHAHAHA! Love it! My first attempt at, shall we say, “experimental cooking” was when I added the contents of 10 Pixie Sticks to a chocolate milkshake.
I don’t recommend that particular recipe.
Sharon -
That so sounds like it would be delicious.
Pixie sticks in a chocolate milkshake?
Yum!
It wasn’t good?
Oh, good lord NO! It was horrible. I’m surprised the citric acid in the Pixie Stix didn’t make the milk or ice cream curdle.
Oh yeah.
Citric acid in milk would not be good.
I didn’t think of that.
I am sooooo Maj’s mom.
Ahem.
I can’t even tell you the amount of love I have for your daughters!! I remember some of the best things from when I was a kid by reading your stories. I love that and them and you!
Mandie -
That is just the best compliment ever.
Happy sighs.
Thank you . . . I just love that.
Hey, they’re doing better than me when I tried to make chocolate crinkle cookies a few months ago. The recipe called for 4 squares of baking chocolate. I added 4 bars (but they were square-SHAPED!). I succeeded in making sludge. That then hardened and adhered itself to the bowl. I finally removed it by freezing it and cutting it out. It could’ve killed someone with it with one blow upside the head.
I’m really a very good cook. Really.
Kristin -
I have done things like that, but I have never claimed to be a good cook.
However, in this case, you get a pass . . . because chocolate sludge is still chocolate.
As long as no one was killed?
You are awesome!
Crumbled cookies on ice cream? I’ve so been there.
Although I’m pretty nifty at baking, something goes haywire in my brain during first trimester each time I’m pregnant. Tried and tested recipes somehow fail, and fail badly… so, crumbled cookies on ice ream, yes. Served with a side of hormonal tears.
I am so impressed with your ability to note/record detailed dialogues… are you proficient in shorthand?
This particular post? I was hiding out in the basement as they cooked. The basement is where my office is located.
I just typed as they talked.
So today was easy.
Generally, though?
I make notes, lots of notes . . . and then work from those notes to recreate the moment to the best of my ability.
I am surrounded by notes.
And as a used-to-be attorney?
I am a very good note-taker.
you are BRAVE!! but i’m guessing you have fire alarms that would warn you of impending arson. lol.
that was a hysterical commentary!!
Smoke alarms and fire extinguishers and the phone close at hand.
Plus me, listening closely.
So not that brave, Sarah.
Not that brave.
My 2 yr old hovers around me in the kitchen already; I’m certain he’s going to be some sort of messy kitchen weird genius.
And microwaves were created by the devil ;)
Kallan rarely has this much trouble when she cooks.
Maj has issues with almost everything in the kitchen.
She so does.
I would watch this cooking show.
My favorite line? “smooth takes a while when there are eggshells”
True that.
Jennie -
They should so get their own cooking show.
I would watch it as well.
True that.
Oh, this is great…can picture my 12-year old girl and her friend trying to bake. My favorite line:
“smooth takes a while when there are eggshells”
I may order a t-shirt with that saying.
Sherri -
That would be a great T-shirt!
It so would.
That was funny. Really funny. I don’t know what your daughter looks like. But I was picturing the teenager in Modern Family.
I have a feeling a similar conversation is in my future. But my little princess thinks she knows everything about everything. So it will have a slightly different twist.
Kris who is not me -
I have never seen Modern Family, so I cannot advise as to whether Maj looks like an actress on that show.
And generally? Maj thinks she knows everything about everything.
Cooking is her Achilles heel.
It’s hilarious.