At our house, Maj owns the green.
Maj’s favorite color is green, and she owns quite a bit of it.
Kallan likes bright colors of all sorts, but it is sort of understood that green is Maj’s thing.
Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day.
Kallan has no green clothing.
“Maj, can I borrow something green to wear tomorrow?”
“Sure, Kallan. Hold on,” and Maj disappears up into her room.
How awesome is that, right? Maj is such a good big sister. Happy sighs.
Maj walks back into the room and throws an armload of green items on the couch next to where Kallan sits, “Take your pick.”
Kallan picks up first one item and then another, “A green corduroy dress? Are you kidding me? A ripped soapbox T-shirt? Pajama shirts? Green underwear?”
Maj smiles happily, “I think you would look lovely in the green corduroy dress”
Kallan looks to me for help, “MOM!”
I sigh, “Hey, Maj? I was all set to be proud of you, but this looks like a pile of clothing intended to make your sister look foolish. No way you think she’s going to wear a green corduroy dress. Where did you get that, anyway? Have you ever worn that?”
Maj picks up the dress and holds it disdainfully, “Mother, I have standards. Not even. But Kallan shouldn’t be so picky. It would look adorable on her. She would look like a tiny leprechaun. Can’t get much more St. Patricky than that.”
Kallan looks at me beseechingly and starts to whine, but I shush her with waving hands, “Maj, you have borrowed things from Kallan in the past, and she has always been generous with you.”
Maj angrily collects the pile of rejected green clothing, “What’s your point, Mother?”
“My point is that you should go up in your room and choose what you want to wear tomorrow. Get your whole outfit organized. And then after you have made your choices? Let your sister borrow a shirt from among the shirts you will NOT be wearing tomorrow.”
Maj glares at me.
I glare at her.
Maj wilts, “Fine, Mother. Come on, Kallan. You wait outside my room while I choose what I want to wear first.”
Kallan follows happily.
I start making dinner while the girls work this out.
And then there is the pounding of angry feet and Kallan whirls into the kitchen, her arms spread in silent angry incredulous Vanna White presentation as she heralds her sister’s arrival.
And then there is Maj.
Looking strangely . . . large.
Huh.
“Ummm . . . Maj?”
“Yes, Mother?”
“That’s what you’re going to wear to school tomorrow?”
“Yes, Mother.”
“Comfy, babe?”
“Yes, Mother. Thank you.”
“Looking a little padded, babe.”
“I like the layered look, Mother.”
“You don’t think that’s going to be a little toasty?”
Maj stands with her arms not quite at her sides, “What are you talking about? I am dressed all regular. This is how I always dress. Do you even pay attention to me, Mother? This is my fashion. Maj fashion.”
Kallan is flailing her arms and making incoherent grunts of rage in the background.
“Hey, Maj?”
Maj climbs awkwardly into her chair at the counter, “What, Mother?”
“Exactly how many green shirts are you wearing?”
Maj looks down as though noticing for the first time that there is anything to count, “Not sure, Mother. The perfect number.”
I reach to count the tags at the back of her neck, “So the perfect number is 9?”
Maj is pissed, “Why do you thwart my fashion, Mother? You are making me feel unpretty. That’s bad mothering right there. I am being scarred. I’m sure you did not mean to be so cruel. What are you trying to say?”
“Oh, I’m sorry. Was I being subtle? What I meant to say was that you look like a small green Michelin Man.”
“Well, that is just rude, Mother.”
“I also want to unsubtly say that if this is Maj fashion, then Maj fashion looks an awful lot to me like greed and selfishness.”
“Really, Mother? These are the sorts of statements that damage a child. Do you mean to damage me?”
“You want to see damage, Maj? I will show you damage.”
Kallan stands silent and wide-eyed, waiting to see how this plays out.
Maj glares at me.
I glare at Maj.
Maj glares at me.
I glare at Maj.
Maj blows her hair out of her face with an angry puff of air, “I would stay here and chat with you, Mother, but I am suddenly quite hot. Perhaps I have misread the weather forecast, and all of this clothing will not be required. Perhaps.”
She turns and runs largely from the room, “Come on, Kallan. Let’s try again.”
Kallan follows her happily.
I make dinner while the girls work this out.
Geez.
You’re daughters are hilarious.
And I have nothing green to wear tomorrow. As a teacher? This is BAD!
Babe!
You need something green!
That is very bad indeed!
There will be pinching and mocking!
I know.
BAD I tell you.
I *think* I might have a green hair clip. I hope.
Green ribbon? Green yarn?
A green beaded necklace?
Kallan would DIE if her teacher forgot to wear green.
How old are your students?
I have third graders in the morning. Gah.
I WILL find some green!
Yes.
Kallan is a 4th grader.
Teacher green is required.
I usually have fifth graders. Testing week has that all kinds of messed up. But the fifth graders were quite adamant about green too.
Darn holidays with specific clothing requirements.
The girls used to attend a private school that had a whole week of special clothing requirements before Christmas.
Hat day and bell day and Christmas sweater day and red & green day and angel day.
HELL.
It was hell.
I am in hell right now. Today was disguise day. Masks were not allowed. How the hell do you dress for disguise day??? I used eye liner to draw on a mustache and added some fake glasses. That’s as good as I get.
Yesterday was face painting day…only you had to do it at home. Because everyone has face painting stuff in March, right?
Shoot me now.
Why do schools do this to us?
Agreed . . . who has face-painting make-up in March?
ANNOYING.
I love that your will won out and you did it with a glare. love.
Although, I have to say . . . Maj’s glare is growing in potency.
Eek!
you’ll have to up your game!
Or . . . I could get a stun gun!
Zzzzzzztttttt.
Hee hee!
I love girls. My daughters are nowhere near the same size so we do not have this argument. Thank God. But we have EVERY other sister argument. Maj sounds quite similar to my oldest at times. Except my oldest wishes the color green would cease to exist. But ahh the joys of being a mother to two girls. I think I need a drink even typing about it.
Kristin -
I am just now sending them up to bed, these daughters of mine.
And then, a drink is required.
It so is.
Snort!
You must teach me this magical “glare”.
I think I will need to use it a lot in my future.
Thank you for the green reminder as well.
Maj’s fashion cracks me up.. so priceless.
Love.
You do not have a glare, Kelly?
You MUST get one.
You must.
Quite useful, the glare.
Snort!
I have a glare – it just appears to be only moderately effective against the will of an 18 month old and a 4 year old. Perhaps it will gain strength as my children age…
My glare has always been quite powerful. I used to use it on Mark, but now I mostly save it for the girls. A powerful weapon.
Maj knows better to fuck with me when I glare at her.
Maj knows that after the glare? Comes me with a Sharpie marker drawing green shamrocks on her face.
Ahem.
LOL! Oh boy. I have the CUTEST outfit picked out for my Irish baby. I think people are getting quite annoyed by the whole Irish baby thing but hey, HE’S IRISH!!! tee hee.
Hang in there momma! You only have until they get married. Then you get to say it’s their husband’s turn! ;)
Amy -
Oh, I love all my time with my daughters. I really really do. They are amazing.
But oh, how they challenge me.
Snort!
Ahhh the Mom glare will work just about every time!
Stasha -
Sometimes?
A glare is required.
Silly Maj . . . no way she was going to win that battle.
My glare is very powerful.
I will squash her like a bug.
Oh I know that glare well.
I have to use it sometimes on Kaylee.
I almost giggle as I see it working on her.
But if I giggled? It would be defeat.
So I wait until she has caved and stomped away before I giggle happily to myself.
Hee hee!
Oh, babe.
You must never giggle during the glare.
You have to commit to its power or the whole thing falls apart.
Never giggle during the glare!
We seriously need another daughter.
Can I have one of yours?
Today, I pick Kallan. ;)
Nichole -
Once they worked it out, they were both quite lovely and excited about the holiday.
But Maj had a moment . . . a moment of Maj fashion.
Snort!
And you do need another daughter! So much fun.
Hee hee!
I love your posts about your daughters….they remind me that parenting can include humor if I can just remember to breath.
I also love that the “glare” is not just a teacher thing, but a parent thing too. I would have been disappointed if I learned that I wouldn’t be able to use this particular skill as a SAHM.
The glare is an awesome Mom/Mother tool.
Just awesome . . . it’s actually more powerful than the teacher version.
And thanks, babe.
I enjoy breathing.
So humor is required.
Doodle is tall and skinny and beautiful and weighs 29 pounds and believes there is nothing in our house that she doesn’t have an implied first right of ownership of. Noodle is two years younger, two pounds lighter, short and squishy and sweet and passive. Doodle has been wearing Noodles pants and passing them off as capris since we brought Noodle home from the hospital. Long after Noodle has outgrown a pair of pants, Doodle is sporting them right under Noodles unsuspecting nose. Tonight, after bath time all hell broke loose when Noodle caught Doodle wearing her favorite (apparently?) Hello Kitty pajama bottoms. Noodle, garbed only in a diaper did flying leap onto Doodle, squashing her like a pancake and while sitting on top of Doodles bony torso, managed to get the pants halfway down Doodles legs before I realized what the hell was happening. It was a good 10 minutes of chaos. I have hidden the hello kitty pants and resolved to only buy them matching clothing from now on.
Elizabeth -
Wait.
You are going to buy them matching clothes from now on?
That would so not work at our house. The girls are separate and very distinct personalities. That would so not work.
There would be carnage.
And then the blood splatter would distinguish the outfits.
Snort!
That would work.
Kris
Oh I won’t make them wear matching clothes at the same time, just two of everything so they have the option. They are almost 4 and almost 2 and there is a lot of ‘I want what she has on’ right now. I am thinking this way they at least have the option. When they are older I doubt they will want to copy each other as much…but that would be kind of funny. Matching prom dresses? Ha!
OK, now I am all giggly at the notion of your daughters in matching prom dresses.
Snicker.
…with matching hello kitty ear headbands. ok. now i’m laughing.
Snort!
Exactly!
I’ve made it easy for myself. I am wearing green nail polish. Thus I don’t need to look for any green clothes at all, and can focus on important things like what to make for supper. Well, that and it’s entirely likely that I won’t leave the house at all tomorrow, and will just stay in my stylish jammies.
Michy -
YES! Both girls painted their fingernails green later in the evening.
They so did.
You handled that soooo much better than I would have. Really, the Michelin look? Creative but scary devious. And a little dumb also you have to admit. Kinda like the shoplifters who walk into a store on a 95 degree day wearing a wool hat and a parka. Hello, you really think we are blind? Well done woman, well done.
Sue -
Maj is devious and stubborn.
She would have worn all of that clothing to school and then just shoved the extra layers into her backpack after she was out of my sight.
She is very stubborn.
I was pleased to have out-glared her, because calling her bluff would not have worked.
Sigh.
Now I have a glare, but I wonder? is there stages of a glare? Or perhaps different glares? Like a happy glare? that moves into maybe a don’t push your luck glare? and maybe going so far as a don’t even fucking try it glare? and lastly the don’t even look in her eyes she will turn you into stone or burn holes in your face glare.
Homework assignment: I am going to perfect my stages of glare! hee hee
And? with my boys, it’s the opposite, the oldest wants the youngest to actually wear his clothes and the youngest refuses!
Erin -
There are very definitely stages of glare.
Not sure what the happy glare would be, though. Snort!
Maj and Kallan do not generally share clothing unless it is required. Like when Maj was supposed to dress up for an event at school and discovered she had only gym shoes to wear. Kallan let her borrow a pair of heels.
Kallan bought the shoes with her own money, in case you are thinking I am buying my daughters heels. Not even.
Actually, now that I am thinking back? Kallan didn’t actually let Maj borrow those shoes. She rented them to Maj for the day.
Snort!
I never wore green on sheer principal! I have a head full of red hair. I dare someone to pinch me. I used to have a shirt that said “Pinch me, I’m Irish and I’ll punch you in the face.”
I was an angry kid.
Turns out! I’m not Irish! Those bastard grandparents of mine had no idea what they were talking about. I’m Scottish..which is close to Irish only NOT.
I hope Kallan returns the shirt with no issues or that will be a fun conversation.
Wait.
How is it possible that your grandparents screwed up the identification of your ancestry?
That makes no sense!
Explain!
I can NOT agree more!
I was raised that I was Irish and not just a little Irish either. My dad’s family broke out the crest and everything.
Then about a year ago I went on a mission to trace it all back as far as I could go. Nowhere in our family history does it say we are Irish. I then called my dad who started laughing. Apparently he thought it was hilarious that his parents had been screwing it up all these years.
I refused to believe it for the longest time and just kept on digging. There is no history of any form of my family name in Ireland. Blah.
I was so sad.
I still can’t figure out where they got the crest from. I wanted to ask them but my grandfather won’t speak to me due to my religion not being the “right” one. ~sigh~ Oh well..life goes on.
Christina -
That is so bizarre!
Your dad never corrected his parents because he thought it was funny they’d been screwing it up all those years?
That’s nuts!
Happy sighs at the story of another fucked-up family!
That’s kind of awesome, babe.
I so want to know about the crest . . . hmmph to your narrow-minded grandfather.
Hmmph.
Ah, daughters. Ain’t got none. I do have twin 8 y.o. boys, and yes, one of them is a clothing obsessed metrosexual. I wasn’t worrying about St. Pat’s day, because Jake wears a uniform & Ethan has clothing of every color available to him at all times. Really, he loves clothes, especially T-shirts with “cool” graphics on them.
Then I get an e-mail from Jake’s teacher at 3:30 pm. Really? 3:30 pm? It tells me tomorrow is “casual day”– no uniform, and the kids MUST wear something green. I look in Jake’s clothes cabinet… red, orange, yellow, yellow, yellow (his current fave), black, blue… no green. Damn. And Jake can’t wear Ethan’s clothes, too small (Jake has 2 inches and 20 pounds on his twin. Yes, they’re fraternal.)
So I know what I must do. I when I go to pick up Ethan from after-school I leave Jake home (w/ Daddy), and Ethan & I hit up the Children’s Place store a block from his school. I can’t take Jake with me because autism and clothing shopping = um, no thanks.
But I should have known: it’s impossible to buy just one T-shirt. Because if I’m buying something for Jake with Ethan present, I MUST buy something for Ethan. And look at all those cool t-shirts and he hasn’t had a new T-shirt in like FOREVER. Yes, this is the same son who once opened his drawers on laundry day, when he still had, well, drawers full of clothing and loudly wailed “Mom I have nothing to wear!” causing me to wonder whether I really had a 7 year-old boy or teenage girl on my hands. (It also made me eternally grateful he wasn’t a girl.. because if he’s like this as a boy, as a girl? Wow.)
So now we have 2 brand new groovy green t-shirts. And a Happy St. Patrick’s day to y’all from us bunch o’ New York Jews.
Varda -
You are a blogging kind of commenter today!
I LOVE THAT!
Happy St. Patrick’s Day to you as well, babe.
Yay!
First of all, props to Maj. I’m an older sister and this is something I never would have thought to do. I’m…impressed. Very, very impressed. And wish I could time travel to use this technique.
Now, as a mother, bra-vo. LOVE how you handled that one. And…um…do you happen to have a glare tutorial?
I have always had this glare, although it has grown more potent with motherhood.
Practice in the mirror.
Hee hee!