Kallan is reading my palm.
She holds my hand and stares into the lines of my hand, searching for meaning.
She traces her fingertip along my life line, “You will live a very long life, and then you will fall from the sky from a great height. There will be quite a mess but you will not care because you will be dead.”
“Kallan, give me a nice fortune. I don’t want to hear about how I am going to be pushed out of an airplane in my wheelchair when I am 93. Who else is in this airplane, anyway?”
Kallan looks up at me, “Who said anything about 93? That’s crazy.”
“What? You said I was going to live a very long life!”
“I meant from my perspective. From my perspective, you have already lived a very long life.”
“So I could go any day?”
“Not if you don’t go up high. Just stay low to the ground, Mom. You’ll be fine.”
“Fine, tell me about my marriage, then.”
Kallan stares at me for a minute. She takes my hand and traces two lines, one below my pinkie and a longer one that runs across my upper palm, “This shorter one is your marriage line and this longer one is your heart line . . . as you can see, they are both chopped by this big fat line here. This means that your marriage will be happy right up until it ends in divorce, and then your heart and your marriage will be broken in two.”
“That big chopping line is a scar! You can’t tell me that my marriage and my heart will be broken because a scar cuts through those lines!”
“I’m pretty sure I can. Has Daddy seen this scar? Does he know that the two of you are doomed?”
“We are not doomed.”
“That’s not what your hand says, Mom. Talk to the hand. The hand thinks you ought to be asking Daddy about his secret girlfriends.”
Snort!
“Kallan, either say something nice about my future or go to bed.”
She giggles and traces a line that runs from my pinkie down the side of my palm, “OK, well . . . this line here is hugely long because the scar runs into it. That’s your fame line. I’m guessing after you and Daddy get divorced, you are going to be famous. That’s cool, right?”
“You are annoying me.”
She pulls my hand close to her face, “There are supposed to be travel lines on the side of your palm. I don’t think you even have travel lines. You aren’t going anywhere fun that I can see.”
“Good to know.”
Kallan points dismissively to a long deep line, “That’s your head line. You’re smart. And this is your fate line . . . “
“Wait a minute! That’s all I get? I’m smart? Look at that beautiful head line! It must say more than that!”
Kallan peers into my hand again, “It says you are smart and . . . needy.”
I yank my hand away from her, “It so does not say that.”
“Talk to the hand, Mom. The hand doesn’t lie.”
“I hope you have a second career option lined up, Kallan. Fortunetelling is not going to be where you make your fortune. Get it? Make your fortune? HA!”
Kallan takes my hand again and looks at me sadly, “This line here says you are humor challenged.”
“There is no such line!”
“Who is the expert here?”
“Fine. Are we done?”
“No, I have to read your fate line.”
“Oh, mustn’t forget that one.”
She holds my hand in both of hers and tells me the story of my fate, “Your daughters will grow up to be beautiful and smart. You will have many adventures although you are not a big traveler. Your second husband eats too many burritos and farts a lot and his name is Herbert. Right up until the moment when you fall from the sky, you will enjoy your life quite a bit. Although . . .”
“What?”
“It does seem as though there will be some small troubles along the way.”
“Really?”
“Yes, in your very near future I see an injury.”
“Hmmm.”
“Yes, it’s almost here!””
“Kallan, don’t you dare . . .”
She drops my hand and stares into my eyes, “Watch out!”
And then she punches me in the shoulder as hard as she can and laughs hysterically.
I rub my shoulder, “Kallan, you promised my fortune wouldn’t end with violence this time. You are such a pain in the butt sometimes.”
She throws herself into the couch, still giggling.
Raises a hand behind her . . . palm up . . .
“Talk to the hand, Mom. Talk to the hand.”
Snort!
Plus also?
Ow.
“It says you are smart and . . . needy.” Best. Kallan line. Ever. Although the rest of it is pretty damn good, too. She is SOOO “your daughter,” LOL!
Sharon -
Kallan is a pain in the ass.
A very smart . . . very smart . . . pain in the ass.
I AM NOT NEEDY!
Hush.
I will not hush….Ms. Needy. Just sayin’…BWAAAHAHAHAhahaha!
Damn it.
I said hush.
Nope. (snort)
Hmmmm.
LOL!!! Oh man I saw the pain coming before you did! I was just waiting for it. Snarky girls you’ve got. Hilarious though!
P.S. – Herbert says “smoochies” and sends his love. Snort!
Kallan PROMISED me she wouldn’t see injury in my future this time.
She loves to do that part of the fortune.
WHAP!
Snort.
I do tarot readings and this is hilarious! The next time my sister asks me to do hers yet again I am going to laugh and think of Kallan and you..and your neediness. haha
Christina -
Hee hee! Of all the things Kallan said, that single word was the most correct.
Ahem.
LOL
this is adorable. i love seeing these conversations!!
Frelle -
Hmmph.
Kallan sees too much.
Annoying.
When I think “needy,” I do not think “Kris.”
Oh, wait.
Yes I do.
Hee!
You be quiet.
You need me to be quiet?
Is that it?
Wait.
Hi Ms. Needy Pants!
Kallan makes me giggle.
She is all that and a bag of chips plus a side of awesome sauce!
Hee hee!
Sigh.
So what am I?
Leftovers?
Annoying.
No silly you!
You are the maker of the awesome sauce!
Hee hee!
OK . . . ewwwwww.
Awesomeness only moms can do:
“Kallan, either say something nice about my future or go to bed.”
I wish I could handle my problems this way.
“Dear Boss, either you give me a raise or you’re going to bed early tonight!”
Sadly, that sort of threat only works if you are in a position of authority.
So your boss could tell you to go to bed in order to get this problem fixed.
Wait.
That’s not right.
will Kallen read my palm? I mean, I don’t want all that bad news, but I’d like to know the name of my second husband. and if he’ll fart a lot.
you know, you should tell her that people don’t like to pay for bad news. if she’s going to read palms, she’s gotta give some good news too.
I have tried to tell her that people don’t like to pay for bad news, and she tells me she only predicts what she sees.
Snort!
She also tells me that my future might look brighter if I was paying for the fortunetelling.
She is evil.
evil and enterprising too. yikes!
Exactly.
Yikes!
Shit like this is why I returned those gypsy kids I tried to adopt.
Who really needs that kind of stress?
Moooooog35 -
I am trying to imagine you as dad to gypsies.
And for some reason Cher is singing in the background.
Hee hee!
good to know that you could go at any time! LOL!! kallan is so funny!! although, instead of the punch and pain, i thought she was going to say that there was going to be something “wet” in your life, and then spit in your palm…..now THAT would have been funny!
Sarah -
With Maj and her germ-phobia?
Spitting is a capital offense in this house.
No way Kallan is going to spit at me
No way.
Chuckling…chuckling.
Would either daughter consent to having the other read her palm?
John -
A while back, they used to read one another’s palms.
It never went well, as you can imagine.
So nope . . . no more.
bahaha. Like the above commenters I was bracing for the swimming pool. Eww. I had an actual palm-reading book when I was young Kallan’s age but it required you to like, actually memorize stuff about what lines meant. Way better to just say you’ve read the book and make stuff up on the fly.
Kallan cannot be bothered with the details.
She is all about the story.
The drama.
And the hitting.
Snort!
Stay low to the ground mother!
good advice –heee
Ben has started calling me
MO THER
I hate it.
Ideas on how to change that?
sigh
that is all
Make two syllables out of so-on?
MKP
FUNNY!
I might try it.
I like you so much, can you be on standby for all of my questions?
kthx
that is all
Remember when Maj was calling me MO?
I threatened to sign her homework slips with big red hearts instead of my name.
She stopped calling me MO.
I have grown accustomed to “Mother.”
I’m good with mother.
I am not MO.
This so made me laugh. We are doing an “Employee Appreciation Event” at work and of course, my department is in charge. The theme this year is Mardi Gras, and we hired two “fortune tellers.” I think Kallan could give them some pointers!
You’ll have to tell me how the fortunetellers do!
I bet they see more good stuff in people’s futures than Kallan saw in mine.
Although, Kallan would point out they are being paid.
A good future costs money, apparently.
Who knew?
Mental Note – don’t let Kallan read my fortune…
2nd Mental Note – smack feedemon around a bit as it is still saying you haven’t posted… Where did I put my bat?
M
ps – wouldn’t end in violence – this time? How often does her fortunes end in violence?
pss- how many times have you answered that questions as I didn’t read the comments yet?!?!
Mishelle -
Kallan has read my fortune many times.
They generally end in violence, even when she SWEARS that they will not.
Hmmph.
Ummm… I must ask why you let her do them anymore…
Well, I guess the humour is there and maybe you’re a lot like Charlie Brown and the football…
M
Kallan begs and promises.
And I haven’t let her do it in quite a while.
And she promised.