Did you check out the post I put up earlier today with the new Featured Bloggers?
Perhaps my favorite set so far . . .
Anne, Kelly, and Becky.
GO READ!
Sometimes, I hear people say things and I am pretty sure I have misheard.
And so I think to myself, “Hmmm . . . It is possible, Kris, that no one in fact offered to fuck you sideways here in the middle of the grocery store, so do not yell out YES PLEASE until you have verified this offer.”
“Hey, Mark?”
“Yeah?”
“What did you just say?”
“I wanted to know if you wanted these fudge sandwich cookies.”
“Hmmph.”
Of course, sometimes I hear people say things and I am pretty sure I have misheard and then this happens . . .
From across the house, an incoherent scream that sounds like, “Kallan put worms on my head!”
No way that’s right, so I yell, “What did you say?”
More muffled screams of rage, “Kallan put worms on my head!”
I strain my brain to try to figure out what Maj could possibly be saying. What sounds like “worms on my head” but isn’t “worms on my head?”
And then there is Maj . . . with worms on her head.
Sigh.
So last night, when I heard Maj screaming from the other side of the house about how she was “missing a robot?”
I figured there was about a 50/50 chance that a robot was on the loose.
“There’s no robot! The robot is missing! Is the robot important?”
How the fuck do I know, right?
So I make my way to where Maj is standing . . . all the way upstairs in the master bathroom . . . because that’s where we keep the robots.
Duh.
She is reading the label on a box of cough medicine and screaming, “There’s no robot! Why would Daddy get the kind with no robot?”
Wait . . . Robitussin!
Without . . . robit?
What the fuck?
She holds the box up for me to see, “Daddy bought Tussin! Just Tussin! What is wrong with him? Half of the ingredients are gone! I need the Robit! Robit plus Tussin . . . I need both things!”
Snort!
“It’s the same, babe. Daddy just bought the generic version . . . see? Western Family Tussin . . . same active ingredients as Robitussin.”
“Daddy skipped the Robit to save a few dollars?”
“Looks that way.”
“If I die after being Tussined by the Western Family? I want you to make Daddy feel guilty forever.”
“Done.”
She watches suspiciously as I pour the medicine into the clear measuring cup, “Where’s the red color? That better taste like white cherries, Mother.”
“Umm . . . I think the Robit holds the red color and cherry flavoring, babe.”
“I KNEW THE ROBIT WAS IMPORTANT!”
“Just drink it, babe. It will help your cough.”
Maj glares at me and downs the medicine in one gulp, “ACK ACK ACK! It’s horrible! Where’s Daddy? Tell Daddy I am worth the cost of Robit! ACK! This taste of cheap death will be in my mouth all night!”
Kallan swoops by, “Only until it kills you, Maj. Then you won’t care what taste is in your mouth.”
Maj stares at me in challenge, “What if I die, Mother? What if this medicine kills me in the night?”
I hug her, “It’s been nice knowing you, Maj. I have truly enjoyed our time together. Try not to wake your sister with your death throes.”
Kallan giggles, “Yes, Maj. Do the death throe job quietly.”
Mark comes up the stairs behind us, his eyes wide.
We usher both girls into their bedrooms and kiss them goodnight.
We walk downstairs and Mark turns to me, “What did Kallan say Maj should do quietly?”
“Death throe job. Why?”
He snorts with laughter, “Never mind.”
Oh . . . my . . . god.
It does sound like best blow job.
It so does.
We are all Rosanne Roseannadanna over here.
Never mind.
I was all excited that you had a post about robots and then you go and disappoint me…
Love the idea of death throe job…
Amy -
Take that back!
I never disappoint!
Besides . . . I did say that the robot was missing.
Silly of you to expect a robot.
Snort!
Ok, ok… I take it back. I only said it because Darling Girl is bizarrely obsessed with robots right now. She insists on reading about them, watching cartoons about them, etc. I intended to say that in my comment last night, but got called away by the robot obsessed child. So I’m saying it today.
I must say that I’m still laughing over this post though! :)
Amy -
Silly you.
No robot offense was taken.
You know I like to wind you up . . . like a robot.
Robots wind up, right?
Snort!
The taste of cheap death…
AH HAHAHAHA!
Best!
Happy sighs.
Love that I (or rather, Maj) made you laugh.
Yay!
I suppose there are worse ways to die than with a death throe job. Like being trachepotomized with a butter knife.
There could be better ways, too. Like asking for fudge sandwich cookies in the grocery store and instead…
Well anyway.
Now I’m hungry.
Julie -
I know, right?
Me too.
Where is that husband of mine, anyway?
robit? lol!!!!
“If I die after being Tussined by the Western Family? I want you to make Daddy feel guilty forever.”
tussined by the western family?? bahahahahahaa!!
Sarah -
Sometimes, my posts make me giggle as I type them.
This was one of those times.
Yay that you giggled as well!
Love that.
OMG! This was HILARIOUS! When I got to the ’50/50′ part, I almost died… seriously, I am crying right now… so hard to type…
Oh, I love your work…
Brandon?
I love you.
Thank you, babe.
Totally made my night.
Awesomeness.
Roseannadanna! HAH!
HAH!
Right back at you.
I know what you’re talkin’ about, because, I, Roseanne Roseannadanna, once had the same thing happen to me! I thought I was gonnna Diiiiie!
Swoon!
I love you.
The feeling is all swooningly mutual.
Love requitedness.
oh
my
gosh.
dying laughing.
will never look at generic robitussin the same again… :D
Frelle -
Death by laughter is way better than death by Tussin.
Definitely.
Snort!
I always think of Chris Rock when I hear or read anything Tussin. So this entire post was read in my head with the voice of Chris Rock.
Yes. I am weird.
Christina -
I have seen that Chris Rock bit!
Yes . . . hear my post in his voice.
That’s perfect.
Conspiracy!!! I type in Happy Birthday and my comment disappears!
Hmmph.
Thank you, babe.
Hee hee!
It always comes back to blowjobs with you, doesn’t it?
And this makes you unhappy because . . .
Not to be dismissive of the hystericalness of mishearing being fucked sideways in a grocery store and blow jobs at bedtime…
But wasn’t it Emily Littella that did all the mis-hearing?
We had a whole back and forth thing a while ago with Roseanne Rosannadanna and I woke up in the middle of the night thinking to myself “wait, that was Mrs. Emily Littella, right?”
The brilliance of Gilda Radner so easily muddles the mind.
And yes, these are the kinds of things that wake me up in the middle of the night.
Oh my god.
I believe you are correct!
I cannot believe I messed that up! Not once, but several times!
Lori . . . why have you waited until now to point out my mistake?
Snort!
That’s embarrassing.
Emily Litella . . . . duh.
Well at least if you HAD yelled out “YES PLEASE!” to the fudge sandwich cookie offer it wouldn’t have been that off base.
Some people really love fudge sandwich cookies.
Like A LOT.
Also now I have robot-less death taste in my mouth.
Perhaps if I give the death throe job it will go away!
Haven -
Fudge sandwich cookies are way yummy.
But the other is tasty as well.
Love you, silly woman with the death taste.
Snort!
“Death throe job…”
I can’t breathe…still doing that violent shaky silent laughing thing…
If you feel it down it PDX, it’s actually me. I can’t stop.
OMG.
Good therapy, this.
Arriving -
Your name is Arriving?
I LOVE THAT!
Kris
No, but that would be cool, maybe…. if you put a French twist to it “Ara-ving”? Ok, so my French accent is not so good in writing. It is not my name, but how I feel. As if I am. Finally. (you must know of this feeling…that comes when life is good after hard times….)
Yes, I got that.
It’s an excellent name . . . I didn’t think it was your ACTUAL name.
I do indeed know the feeling of life getting better after hard times.
And I am also fond of the inappropriate possibilities inherent in the name.
Ahem.
Thanks for the “ahem”. Just spit my drink out laughing. Love that about you. Your laugh creating? Almost as good as actual sunshine. – Your Seattle friend Jen
I could use some of the actual sunshine of which you speak.
It rains here in Oregon!
A lot!
Who knew?
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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ohmygawdohmygawdohmygawd!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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gasping for air here….
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M
Hee hee.
You make me giggle.