People!
If you missed the post I put up late last night about the new Featured Bloggers?
Go check that out!
Jaime and Francesco . . . with just a hint of Sally Forth taint.
Snort!
Back here, we are . . .
Stuck in a massive traffic jam in the snow.
Yay!
For several excruciatingly slow miles, there is hysterical giggling from both girls, so I know they are up to something I am not going to enjoy. I do not turn around to check what that might be. We are likely to be stuck on this goddamned mountain for another two hours or so, so if the girls are giggling?
I am all good with being oblivious.
But then the traffic comes to a complete stop, and Maj begins to wail, “Drive, Daddy! Drive! We cannot stay here! Drive!” She throws her upper body sideways into the middle of the car and buries her face in her hands, “Are they gone?”
I turn to Kallan for explanations, “What’s up with Maj?”
Kallan speaks through her giggles, “We were making faces at the people in the cars next to us. Pretending to pick our noses.”
Maj speaks from behind her hands, “But it’s only funny if they just see me for a minute! I don’t want an extended relationship with someone who thinks I pick my nose. There’s nowhere to go from there!”
Kallan waves out her window at the family in the car next to us. They wave cheerfully back, “Hey, Maj! No one cares about the fake boogers! You can sit up!”
Maj sits up crankily and stares out her own window as a large white moving truck pulls up next to our minivan and stops, “How do I let Kallan talk me into these things? She is a very bad influence on me.”
We sit there on the mountain for a bit. Completely still. Friendly waving family on one side and moving truck on the other.
The driver of the moving truck opens his window and dumps a cup of steaming liquid out into the space between our vehicles.
Maj leans forward, “Mother? Why is that man dumping a drink out into the road?”
“Yeah . . . I’m thinking that wasn’t a drink, babe.”
“What are you talking about? I just watched him . . . EWWWWWW. . . you mean he peed in a cup while we were sitting here and then dumped that pee onto the road?”
“Pretty sure, yes.”
Maj digs out her cell phone, “Where is the number to report bad driving? Aren’t they supposed to have it on the side of the truck? Another offense! First peeing in a cup. Then dumping that cup into the street. And now, no . . . HOW AM I DRIVING? sticker.”
Snort!
Maj continues her rant, “Plus, he clearly has inadequate tread on his tires for these weather conditions. Get me that phone number!”
She shakes her phone at the man threateningly and mouths her words exaggeratedly, “THAT . . . IS . . . OUTRAGEOUS . . . BEHAVIOR!”
The man stares at Maj curiously.
Kallan laughs, “Now he just thinks the nose-picking girl wants to chat with him while we wait in a traffic jam!”
Maj shrieks in horror and throws herself sideways and below the line of window-sight.
Kallan’s attention is caught by the man behind us, who is driving a car filled with kids, “Why is he getting out of his car?”
Maj sits up and turns to look, “He’s looking at his front tire . . . maybe he has a flat tire?”
Kallan is thoughtful, “What’s in his pants pocket that would fix a flat tire?”
Wait . . . what?
I glance back, “Ummm . . . needing to pee is contagious, apparently. He’s about to pee.”
Kallan is overjoyed, “No way! Right in front of us?”
And then he does.
Kallan waves frantically at the happy family in the car next to her window, catches their attention and points. They all turn to see.
So the man has quite an audience as he pees on his front driver’s side tire.
For a very long time.
Yay!
Maj is horrified and incredulous, “He peed all steamy on his tire, Mother! What is wrong with that man? He is going to get all the way home and his tire is still going to smell like pee. Why would he want to drive on a wheel of pee?”
Kallan is giddy, “I cannot believe he just stepped out of his car and peed right there in front of everyone! He could have easily walked to the side of the road. He peed in front of . . .” she pauses and counts, “ . . . eight . . . nine kids! He peed in front of nine kids!”
Sigh.
Traffic starts to move again. There is whispering and giggling in the back of the car. More giggling.
Traffic stops again.
Maj shrieks, “Not again! Drive, Daddy! AUGH! Get me out of here!”
I speak between her screams, “Why don’t you guys think of something to do that ISN’T picking pretend boogers?”
Kallan reassures me, “We did, Mom. We did.”
Maj speaks sadly as she slides down in her seat to hide, “Kallan is a very bad influence on me, Mother.”
I don’t even want to know.
Hilarious! And such awful behavior from the trucker! Still chuckling at the kids’ reactions though ;)
I guess pee in a cup would splash and stink up the cab of your truck if stored too long in a coffee cup.
But still . . .
Snort!
Hahhaa… I could only imagine the squeals!
I saw a guy pee in the middle of the road, against the medium when I was 25 and I squealed so loud I scared him; he resembled a jittery sprinkler.
Kallan was over-the-moon giddy with delight. Two peeing offenses by grown men right in front of her eyes!
Maj was less giddy, but still fascinated.
Much squealing.
Snort!
Shocked by the amount of pee in this post, but amused nonetheless!
The name of the post is “Wheel of pee.”
You should not have been shocked to discover that it contains a lot of pee.
Snicker.
Love you.
BWAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA! OK, I’m a 44y/o woman with the sense of humor of a 12y/o. So sue me ;-)
Sharon -
Sue you? Not even.
You are my dream reader!
YAY!
I’m with Maj. What is wrong with these peeing animals of the road?
Snort!
Maj loves you.
I so would needed to pee and am so glad I was not there.
Karen -
I know! I was very surprised that our whole family didn’t have to pee immediately. That urge is contagious, you know.
I was very surprised.
You should remind Maj that there are things worse than pee. The guy could have been squatting next to his tire!
Liz -
You read the post I put up a while back about seeing the squatting, right?
Hold on.
Here it is . . .
Enjoy.
http://www.prettyalltrue.com/2011/01/eager-oral-eyes/
OHMYGOD.
First of all, I was the first to comment on that post (pre-gravatar)!
Second, while I was reading this post I was picturing what was going on in that one, but I couldn’t remember where I had heard that story before.
Too funny!
YAY!
That’s lovely that you had that post in your head, but couldn’t remember where you had read it.
Snort!
I love that!
I use to love making faces at people while driving, as long as it isn’t an extended relationship!
As for that peeing driver and his steaming pee. That is disgusting!
Adriana -
It was disgusting.
But Kallan was thrilled.
And Maj was horrified.
So we had a topic of conversation for the rest of the ride home!
That’s not so bad.
Hee hee!
haaaaaaaaaaa
and
ewwwwwwww
I wish I’d had a sibling closer in age to me for roadtrip hijinks.
Hey you?
I just cut and pasted this from your blog . . .
“Well now I can tell you. I applied to Columbia for their MFA in Creative Nonfiction along with probably 850 other hopefuls. Fewer than 100 would be accepted.
And I got in.”
Are you fucking kidding me?
THAT IS SO AWESOME!
Congratulations, babe.
WOW!
I love that Kallan flagged down the family in the other car so they could watch the guy pee on his wheel. That is hysterical.
Also in unrelated news…I have to pee.
Kallan is always Kallan . . . she likes to spread the joy.
No reason that family over there should miss the awesome show!
Hee hee!
When we were on road trips as a kid I always wanted to steal the Calvin & Hobbes trick up putting up a sign saying I was kidnapped… but I was a wimp.
Also, my brothers and I used to wave frantically out of the back windows in traffic but they were so darkly tinted no one could see us. I guess I could have done the kidnapping sign thing after all.
Our windows are tinted as well, so the girls have to press their faces right up to the glass to be seen by those outside.
They are happy to do this.
Snort!
And I am so not telling them about the Calvin and Hobbes Kidnapped sign.
ACK!
I am shocked by the amount of public, um….., elimination your family has witnessed. And I am SO with Maj on this. Pouring a cup of pee out your window is just disgusting. I would have been looking for a ‘How’s my driving?” sticker and reporting their gross behavior.
I don’t recall ever having similar experiences but I have had the pleasure of witnessing people try to fight public urination tickets in court.
There are few things in life more dignified than trying to persuade a judge to reduce your ticket for peeing on the side of a downtown office building.
Rebecca -
I do not know why our family seems to be the perfect audience for this sort of stuff, but yes . . . we do seem to witness more than our fair share.
Yay!
And if I did get a ticket for peeing on the side of a building (which I realize is unlikely and probably impossible).
I would so not fight that ticket.
Pay the money and skulk off into the night.
Duh.
Okay, when I read the title I thought this piece was going to be about some third-world game show.
Imagine my disappointment.
Not really.
How old is Maj? She is one sophisticated young lady.
Chris -
Maj is a very grown-up and geniusy and serious 11.
She will be 12 in May.
She has always been like this.
Always.
ok ewwwwwwwwwww… seriously?! I would have had to honk the horn (and I do mean lay on the horn) to see if I could have made the dude pee over everything.
I’d like to say I can’t believe that a guy would pee out in the open like that but from the same half of the species who like to sign their name in snow AND think that’s a good thing.
“Ahhh excuse me kids – I need to pee. No one look out of the minivan while I go pee on a tire…. ”
Can you imagine the stores their mother was told afterwards “And Dad peed!! Right in the middle of traffic!! On a tire Mom!!!”
Snicker!!!
M
Mishelle -
I didn’t even think about how those kids must have gone home and ratted him out to mom!
That is awesome to imagine!
And I would have honked the horn, but Mark was driving and vetoed that idea.
Men.
They always stick together don’t they?!?
Men.
(this is where you see me give that sad shake of my head when I say Men.)
SNICKER!!
M
That’s exactly how I meant for you read my word . . . Men.
::snicker::
The only thing better than peeing on your tire in a traffic jam?
Pooping.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Nigel?
Is that you?
Huh.
Hush.
Meanie.
You are telling me to hush?
You have that talent all cornered, you.