I am packing lunches and listening to complaints.
Kallan wants a turkey sandwich, but the only bread we have is a new kind of honey-wheat bread that is far too sweet for a turkey sandwich so I am making her a sandwich on a hamburger bun which is just all kinds of wrong and embarrassing and she will have to eat stealthily so no one sees her bunned shame and because she cannot control the bread she is micromanaging the application of mustard and mayonnaise because she seems to be of the opinion that I am in the mood to fuck her lunch up for no good reason and she may have a point because she is getting on my fucking nerves and maybe when she is not looking I will sprinkle a little cayenne pepper on this baby and wasn’t I supposed to start packing their lunches the night before so we could stop having these conversations?
I finish packing Kallan’s lunch and move to Maj’s lunch.
Maj’s braces are much less bothersome now than when they were put on last week, but because Maj is Maj, she still wants soft food because . . . well . . . just because.
So I am peeling a hard-boiled egg for Maj and prepping some Top Ramen noodles and bagging some olives and some mandarin orange slices. Let’s see . . . what else? Maybe some yogurt.
I sign Kallan’s homework folder. I sign Maj’s homework folder.
Mark yells from downstairs, “I have a conference call at 8:30, so don’t forget that the plumbers will be here at 9:00.”
What he means is that I probably need to get dressed and run the hairbrush through my hair before 9:00.
“Thanks, Mark!”
Maj decides that maybe she doesn’t want the Top Ramen noodles. She would rather have a regular sandwich, “Why do I have to keep eating soft food when it is so obvious that I can chew perfectly fine, Mother?”
Huh.
OK, then.
I pull the sandwich stuff out again.
Maj stands in the middle of the kitchen, “A hamburger bun? Really? Don’t you know how to buy bread?”
I turn to Maj with the hamburger bun in my hand, “Listen, Maj. I am happy to make you a sandwich and then I am also happy to jump up and down on it before I pack it for you. Your call.”
“Fine. I will make do with an inappropriate bread product.”
She stands and watches as I make her sandwich, and then she barks out an order, “Make me some scrambled eggs, Mother. I need to eat breakfast.”
“I am making your lunch right now. How about if you make yourself some scrambled eggs?”
“I do not have time for that nonsense. Make me some scrambled eggs.”
“Wow. Not even, Maj.”
“What? What else do you have to do?”
“Are you kidding me? Go to your room.”
“I do not have time to go to my room! I do not have time for this nonsense!”
“You have time to speak to me that way, you have time to go to your room. Go.”
“You are completely unreasonable, Mother. You could be using this moment to make me scrambled eggs, but instead you use it to punish me for making a perfectly sensible request. You are wasting your time and mine.”
“Yes, I am all awesome that way. Go.”
She reappears a few minutes later, apologizes, and then stares at me incredulously, “Are you telling me you didn’t make me any scrambled eggs while I was gone?”
“Are you telling me you thought that I would?”
“Are you aware of your role in this house? Moms make children eggs.”
“What is wrong with you this morning? No eggs for you.”
“Fine. I’ll make myself some eggs.”
“Nope. Eat something else. Eggs are off limits to you, rude child.”
Maj stares at me angrily.
Mark comes up the stairs to pour himself another cup of coffee, and Maj shares her complaints with him as she angrily pulls out the toaster and heats herself a waffle . . .
“A simple request, Daddy. A simple request for eggs. What does she have to do that is so important she can’t make me some scrambled eggs? I have to leave this house and go to school. I have things to do while she sits here all day. I have to L-E-A-V-E . . . maybe she will understand if I spell it for her. And now, for no reason other than insanity, I have to eat a disgusting waffle. No eggs for me, she says. Like she is a crazy person. Now I am eating a disgusting breakfast and my whole day is ruined and she needs to think about what’s important around here. She needs to think about how she shouldn’t waste my time.”
Mark sips his coffee thoughtfully and turns to me, “So ummm . . . yeah . . . If we could just stop the part where the world revolves around Maj for a second . . . Do you want me to bring your laptop upstairs? The plumbers are going to be working downstairs.”
I zip up Maj’s lunch container and then walk to let the dogs into the back yard, “Yes, thank you. I’ll get dressed as soon as the girls head out.”
Maj stares after Mark as he disappears down the stairs.
She looks back at me, “Well, that’s just great. He’s useless to me. Fine. I’ll be the one to stand up to you, Mother. Daddy’s only on your side because he’s scared of you.”
“Really, Maj?”
She is angry and stubborn, “Really.”
I hand Maj her lunch, “You would be wise to be a little scared of me, babe.”
She holds her lunch and glares at me, “What is that supposed to mean?”
“Oh, nothing. Enjoy your lunch.”
“WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY LUNCH?”
Hee hee!
I’m sure she likes cayenne pepper.
Not sure which made me giggle more, the cayenne pepper sprinkling or the jumping up and down on the bun….. wow, sounds like a fun time! I thought my battles with Principessa over what she was going to wear are bad. And love love love Mark for being so awesome!
I love Mark more and more every day.
He is amazing.
Sassy children.
I love how you are mind-ninja with Maj. God, I can’t wait to have to kids if the only reason i have them is to totally fuck with their heads.
Denise and I have thought about teaching our kids the alphabet wrong so they try to correct their teacher when they learn the alphabet. I would be a teacher’s aide on that day FOR SURE.
Fucking with your children’s heads?
SO . . . MUCH . . . FUCKING . . . FUN.
You will love it.
that’s what makes it all worthwhile.
I know!
Bwhahahaha!
(That is supposed to be evil laughter)
Furiously scribbling notes for when my children are sassy teens. I figure if I prepare now, I might not take their heads off in the future.
I’m totally with Kallan on the bun thing. One must have standards for bread. :-)
Good point on plumbing and renting.
Snort!
If you are anything like me, you will lose these notes before you need them.
But that won’t matter, because your children will come up with their own unique and awesome ways to torture you. Even if you could find the notes, they would be useless. Hee hee!
You are in this by yourself, babe.
You so are.
Ok, you have me on losing the notes, which is why I do all of my note taking on my laptop. Of course, by the time the information is useful, the hard drive is likely to have crashed, losing all the date.
You’re right, I’m screwed.
I think I’ve already had this conversation with my 4 year old.
Does Mark do any “How to be an awesome husband” seminars? Mine is pretty cool, but could use a few tips.
Yup.
You’re screwed.
And Mark should offer classes!
He is rather fabulous at this husband thing.
Swoon!
Okay I know it probably wasn’t that cute at the time and I am going to pay for this with my old children, But I love the way your girls speak! So matter of fact, no nonsense.
I really hope the first day of plumbing went well.
And you aren’t doing your job a a wife or a mother if they aren’t a little afraid of you. I’m kind of afraid of Brandy. But don’t tell. I will never ever admit it.
I apparently need to proof read my fingers. I meant I am going to pay for this with my children when they are older.
Russell -
I do like to instill a little fear. Keeps things interesting.
What?
And sassy children, while occasionally annoying, are so much fun.
So much fun.
Ahem.
Haha.. “If we could just stop the part where the world revolves around Maj for a second…” I love that line. It is awesome, and something I may or may not use in the future – though I do promise to tell everyone I know to come read you – so that’ll be like my royalty payments.
p.s. Soup Nazi! Loved that episode.
Isn’t Mark lovely?
I love that man.
OMG, I am in for a treat when my kids are older, aren’t all? You mean all my sass and snark and sarcasm(not that I am EVERRRRRR sarcastic) are going to come back and bite me in the ass? Nooooo
Dear Linds,
You are doomed.
Love,
The future
You need to write a parenting manual. NEED to.
The world needs it. Needs YOU.
But seriously, hamburger bun sandwiches? What is wrong with you, woman? Don’t you know how to buy bread?
Alright, alright, I’m going to my room…
The thought of me being in charge of offering parenting tips makes me giggle.
Maj would be horrified.
Really, Mother? These people look to you? REALLY?
Snort.
You should. SO. WRITE. A. BOOK. A book on surviving parenting with a side of sass… I would buy it. I would buy three. Start your outline this weekend. Seriously.
Hmmm.
You would buy three?
Snort!
“no eggs for you!” – i can hear it now! LMAO!!!!
i agree though, hamburger bun sandwiches. eww! ;)
i also agree with the warning that children should fear their parents, just a little bit…..just cuz!
Sarah -
Hee hee! Maj didn’t get the Seinfeld reference, but I crack myself up. Ahem.
And hamburger bun sandwiches are perfectly acceptable!
Geez.
Oh boy!!! The good thing about boys is they will eat just about ANYTHING.
I hope this baby is a boy.
Say what? :)
Really?
That is so awesome!
Congratulations!
YAY!
Thank you!! :)
@Amy. Um. No. My boy, one of them. Won’t eat anything. Nothing. Nada. Hates it all. One week he even went so far as to say he can’t eat anything orange. Orange is gross. What the hell are you supposed to do if they won’t eat anything orange?! Mac n Cheese, out. Grilled cheese, out, oranges, out. Oh hey, and did you know that noodles are a smidge orangey. He so told me so. And rice is bugs, it so is. I’m trying to make him eat bugs! orangey-like bugs.
Sigh.
I would have stomped on Maj’s sandwich. I so would have. One day I put nothing in my son’s lunch bag. He was sooo mad when he got home. He told me that was reportable abuse and how could I do such a thing. I told him I asked what he wanted and he told me nothing, so that’s what I put in there.
he he. I love my boys. I would love to put the fear of Maj and Kallan in my 7 yr-old. I soooo would!
ps…he had lunch money. He rubbed that one in my face too. How he got pizza for lunch despite my trying to starve him to death.
That was all sorts of poopy of me wasn’t it. My oldest boy, he ate everything and anything. He slept all night by 6 weeks. He didn’t know what a tantrum was until grade school. Boys. He still stares in shock at his brothers tone and verbal accounts. I love my boys :)
Congratulations!
I know that your response is to Amy, but I am bossy and commenty.
That’s exactly what would happen if I sent the girls to school with no lunch! The school would feed them a hot lunch and then bill me for it! So annoying. I am trying to discipline through starvation, here!
Stop undermining my authority!
Hee hee!
I really must apologize for two nights of plastering myself all over your comments and commenters.
You’re just too damn addicting.
And you make me think of my stories. You’ve become like my writer’s drug muse.
Are you kidding me?
I love you here.
I love that my words make you think of words of your own you need to string together.
I am happy to play your writer’s drug muse.
Delighted, in fact.
I knew I was setting myself up for one of these comments lol.
I should have said my son and the boys in my family will eat anything and everything. To the point of it being almost gross what they will eat lol.
The exception is my husband who refused to eat anything green until he met me and went through my 2nd trimester salad craving with my son lol.
I LOVE that episode of Seinfeld! No eggs for you! Ha! The sad thing is my husband has never seen it, so he has no idea what the hell I am talking about when I quote from that episode. Poor guy… And Mark’s response? Awesomeness. How did Maj like the cayenne? Heehee!
Amberleigh -
Oh, I am so sad for you . . . Mark gets almost all of my references and we giggle hysterically and refuse to tell the girls what is so funny. It’s AWESOME.
And Mark is fabulous.
And Maj was not amused.
At all.
The Buns are okay.. Step off the ledge people :). No really its okay because she was using turkey. It’s only white trashy if you use peanut butter and jelly.
Russell -
Thanks for having my back, babe.
I would never dream of PB&J’ing a hamburger bun.
Yeah.
Never.
I really need to stop replying to these with my phone. I’m so embarassed with the spelling errors!
The bad thing?
I never correct typos, so everyone is mocking you.
Take that, Easter candy mocker.
Take that.
“Bunned shame”….excellent.
How do you have time for these extensive morning discussions? Do you guys get up at 5:00am? I barely manage to fling toast at my boys in the morning (I do not take breakfast requests) before dragging their asses out the door for school.
Amber Dana -
Here’s the thing. We don’t get up that early. I get up at 7:30 and the girls get up at 7:45. Their school bus arrives at 8:35.
But they never stop talking, these daughters of mine.
They talk endlessly.
Endlessly.
I so admire your (and Mark’s) ability to maintain a sense of humor in the face of such sass. And in the morning, no less. I like early mornings but do not want to be effed with before noon.
Erin -
A sense of humor is required.
Our life would suck if we didn’t giggle. Ahem.
A sense of humor is required.
Bunned Shame
The new reality TV show on Bravo.
Concept pitches:
A. The story of young man exploring his sexuality in the streets of Milwaukee, where the rough life forces him into a life of cheap fast food pushing.
B. The story of a German immigrant finding a way to use sales of breakfast pastry to finance his addiction to artistic body waxing.
or
C. The story of a Hollywood first-wife who uses excessive plastic surgery to slowly turn herself into Jennifer Lopez as an act of revenge against the husband who dumped her for Paulo the ice-sculpter.
I think they all work, don’t you?
OK, so I was thinking I would one-up you by linking to a few photos of bad butts or badly worn bathing suits covering said bad butts.
So then I did some butt-googling.
Ummmm . . . yeah.
Let’s just go with your ideas.
ACK.
We use the Seinfeld reference ALL.THE.TIME.
“No computer time for you!”
“No candy for you!”
It works with pretty much everything.
Also? There is nothing wrong with putting a sandwich on a bun.
They should be happy it was a hamburger bun and not a hot dog bun.
Heh.
Yay for Seinfeld references!
Love that.
And it is possible that I have passed off hot dog bun sandwiches as mini sub sandwiches.
A few times.
Maybe.
Hee hee!
Yay for mini sub sandwiches!
I didn’t think it possible but I love you just a little more now!
Hee hee!
You should see Maj and Kallan’s faces when I rhapsodize about the joys of the mini-sub.
So awesome.
No mini sub for you!
BAHAHAHA!
You are awesome.
my SCHOOL used to make bologna sandwiches on hotdog rolls and list them on the menu as ‘hoagies’.
I actually kinda liked them.
Also, fancy sandwich shops use all sorts of rolls and buns, not just sliced loaf bread, for sandwiches. So hamburger rolls are not at all wrong. Tell Maj I’m a chef so I know this for sure and YOU win.
Your SCHOOL did that?
That is really rather awesome!
And yes!
Buns are bread and sandwich-ideal.
I will tell the girls you said so.