YAY! Lindsay is an awesome Psychophant!
My blog threw up all sorts of obstacles in her path. Fucking thing even went down (and not in a good way) for much of the weekend, and still LINDSAY TRIUMPHED!
Check out the first of her links over there on the right. IT IS HILARIOUS! Click it.
And guess what? Lindsay has agreed to keep working to get another link up! Swoon.
I love Lindsay.
Alright, yesterday’s post demonstrated my expert status in all things sexual.
Shut up. Yes it did.
Experts do research, which is how I came to be on YouTube yesterday looking for videos of . . .
Women who cannot stop climaxing and who then get some sort of vaginal implant that shuts the coming down, donkeys and horses having sex with men, donkeys having sex with one another, squirting (otherwise known as Glee Pee, with thanks to Haven), videos supporting the general concept that the TV show Glee sucks, anime porn, a spring break boob extravaganza, strippers, and then a music video by K.D. Lang . . . Constant Craving.
What?
K. D. Lang made me hungry, and it just so happened that there was a link on the side of the screen to a commercial for a giant gummy worm. One of those, “You might also like this video” sort of things. Yum . . . candy in the shape of a giant worm!
Yay!
If you have not seen this video? You simply must watch. Do it.
OK, people? No way 8 billion other people have not already commented on the fact that this giant gummy worm looks like a two-headed dildo. So I will not go into great detail on this point . . . but ummmm . . . can you say sugar-induced yeast infection?
ACK!
Which made me wonder if there were actual earthworm dildos out there.
What? You wondered.
Google search . . . Earthworm + sex + toy
Disturbing. Few satisfactory dildo results, but quite a few people with toy worm farms wondering about how their livestock are fucking. Seriously, people?
So then I just type in Earthworm dildo.
And I get this troubling photo, from a user named Earthworm . . .
Plus a reference back to the giant Gummy Porn Worm. I told you I was not the first to think that candy worm looked sexy. Ahem.
Plus an invitation to search Earthworm up the ass in a porn database.
Hmmm.
Maybe not.
So I type Earthworm sex toy.
Actually, that’s what I meant to type, but I actually typed Earth sex toy.
Did you know that Earth Day is coming up?
Did you know that there are earth-friendly sex toys?
There so are . . . the sex-toy people have got your back.
Snicker.
OK, so if there is a way for me to enhance my sexual pleasure and also save the planet?
Sign me up!
Let’s see . . .
There’s a link and then a video commercial for a vibrator billed as “super earth friendly.” It has no batteries and no power cord. That sounds all earthy, but also suspiciously un-vibratey.
I keep reading . . .
The Earth Angel Vibrator is a hand-cranked vibrator! To use the vibrator, you must hand-crank it for four minutes.
Dying.
I don’t know about you, but four minutes of serious hand-cranking properly applied?
I’m all done.
Fuck the toy.
Or not.
Here’s something . . . Laid Stone Dildo . . . that sounds earthy and sexual, right?
Click.
OK, this is a rock. A rock playing at being a dildo.
Fuck that.
Or not.
OK, so maybe Mother Earth is not about masturbation and dildos. Maybe Mother Earth wants me to have actual intercourse. Greenish earth-saving fucking.
Let me look again.
What the fuck are vegan condoms? Who eats condoms?
Hold on. Reading. Apparently being a vegan encompasses more than dietary choices.
I knew that. I just forgot for a second.
Shut up.
The condoms Mark and I use are Latex . . . why would vegans need special condoms?
Let me do some research . . . something about a milk protein that is used to make certain kinds of latex condoms.
And then this:
Vegan condoms are made with no animal testing.
ACK!
Does that mean that the un-vegan condoms Mark and I have been using for the past 24 years have been tested on animals? That can’t possibly be what that means. Can it?
No way I want to use a condom that has already been tested out by farm animals.
Fuck that.
Or not.
OK, and then I was going to make an animal noise here to indicate a happy sex-having condom-using farm animal.
But then I thought Mark might be annoyed, as that animal is wearing the condom he will next be donning.
So instead here’s the sound of me.
Bwawk!
I just got ‘Earthworm up the ass’ burned as an image in my brain that I’ll have to yank out through my nose with a hot poker.
Even more odd.. now I’m thinking about gerbils and Richard Gere.
Me?
I am envisioning the route the worms took from your ass to your brain and then out through your nose.
And the smell of BBQ’d worms, as the hot poker would likely cook them nicely as you extracted them.
Yum!
And now I want gummy worms.
You’re disturbed. LOL
BTW, although I am aware it’s not real life, there was an episode of Medivac (or Adrenalin Junkies as it was re-named in N.Am) where a woman came in to the emerge becuz every time she sneezed, she climaxed. It was awesome. All the nurses were going around trying to sneeze.
The husband was the best – he was totally distraught; it’s not fun feeling obsolete, I would gather. LOL
I am disturbed. I will so own that.
Yup.
Last night on Twitter? all sorts of women were telling me they can THINK THEMSELVES TO ORGASM.
Which is so not fair and really irritating.
I am thoughtful.
YES I AM.
I am thoughtful . . . but . . . nothing.
And I sneeze all the time, and while there is sometimes ejaculate?
There is no orgasm.
Damn it.
Considering you learned recently that I went 14 months without sex and 18 months without an orgasm… to those bitches that can “supposedly think themselves” to climax, I say: FUCK YOU!
Except guess what?
They don’t need to be fucked.
They will just hand your offer right back to you.
They are sassy that way.
There is some crazy stuff out there on the interwebs… Crazy stuff!
Yes, I love the internet.
Happy sighs.
Okay, I read the whole post. But I could hardly concentrate, much less click on the sex worm links, because I simply can not get past the perpetually coming thing. You mean, just in a constant state or orgasmicness? I don’t see how this could be a problem. Harness that? And we could end all things terrible in the world.
Yes, several people made mention in yesterday’s comments of a show which featured these “poor” women.
BUT I CAN’T FIND IT!
Don’t worry. I will persevere.
That’s what experts do.
You are all professional, dedicated and experty that way.
You shall overcome!
(Pun absolutely intended.)
CJ -
YES!
I shall overcome.
There will be an excess of coming.
What?
This whole piece basically got me thinking of a kick-ass, kinky rock concert featuring the following bands:
Sugar Induced Yeast Infection
Laid Stone Dildo
Earth Angel Vibrator
. . . and your headliner . . .
give it up for . . .
THE VEGAN CONDOMS!!!
Give it up for THE VEGAN CONDOMS?
Snort!
They’re pretty rockin’, let me tell ya. But the highlight of the concert was Laid Stone Dildo’s cover of “Like a Rock.”
ROCK ON!
Or . . .
ROCK IN!
Hee hee!
Okay, the flood gates of my insanity have burst open. Other songs covered by Laid Stone Dildo and Earth Angel Vibrator include:
“How Deep is Your Love”
“Hard Habit to Break”
“Drive”
“Inside of You” (Okay, that’s obscure, but if you’re a Hoobastank fan, you’d love it)
“Along Came a Woman”
You realize there is a lucrative career out there for you, right?
I am pretty sure you would EXCEL at naming porn movies.
Pretty sure.
Ummm, there is way too much in this post for me to wrap my head around…I need to process.
My husband ALWAYS says:
Anything you can think of, ANYTHING at all, there is someone out there who has made it porny…
The possibilities are endless. And disturbing.
CJ -
I know. Even Teddy bears can be sexualized.
Don’t ask.
It’s disturbing.
Trust me.
I think they call it Rule 34. If you can think of it, it’s already somewhere online. Some things I’m not brave enough to find out if it’s true.
I am pretty brave.
But earthworms up the ass?
Poor worms.
I don’t want to see that.
Love all of this. And also? No incorrect information today ;) Love those sex toy people.
Also…please direct people to my awesome link/video. It’s there, but unannounced! People like when you boss them. They’ll totally do it. I worked hard for that. Not maybe as hard as you would have to work for a hand crank vibrator, but lots of begging and pleading. xoxo
Lindsay -
OK, I was going to do that tomorrow, but hold on.
Let me put it at the beginning of this post.
You’re right. You deserve mention today.
Give me a few.
There!
Yay!
And thank you.
Aw and now I feel bad. You don’t have to do it now. I can wait til tomorrow. I’m not that unreasonable. I’m a psychophant. Complete adoration here! Love, love, love.
Silly you. I will give you mention tomorrow as well.
I just wasn’t sure this the post to which you would want to be tied.
So to speak.
Snort!
I should have emailed you.
And you are an amazing Psychophant!
I could not have felt guiltier about the fact that my blog went down in the middle of your efforts.
You were so lovely about that.
Thank you.
I don’t mind being tied to anything. Really.
And I’m a sex researcher. This post is the least of my worries. If I were a kindergarten teacher, then maybe. Sex is my life. That’s no secret. Much like my love for you and this blog. Looooove.
Yay for unsecret obsessions and the ties that bind them!
What?
Holy disturbing shit batman…
Becca -
YAY for the internet!
Serious swoonage.
Thank God there are Clydesdales on the job to test Mark’s condoms! Even if it is un-vegan-like. For the greater good, right?
Also, exactly how far are we stuffing that rock dildo to get our third eye chakra aligned? Good lord.
Hee hee! You saw my tag!
Snort!
As for the other?
What is the third eye, exactly?
I thought only men had those.
I did see your tag. I <3 your tags! hehehe Thought I'd throw Mark another bone. So to speak.
The third eye? Is supposed to be your psychic chakra. It's about mid forehead. Which is a long way to shove a rock dildo, IMO. I usually yell at Hub once he reaches the back of my teeth. Dunno if I could take it all the way to my third eye…altho I'm sure he'd be willing to give it a go… O.O
I have nothing to type.
I am giggling too hard to form coherent witty comebacks.
Dying.
Okay, this post is damned funny. The tags, even funnier. But the comments. They are killing me.
No way I’d use a stone dildo. Nope. Need some flexibility, please. My third eye chakra can stay wherever it is. O_o
Mary -
I am usually not a fan of those little emoticon faces, but the O_o at the end of your comment?
I am giggling so hard.
Just for you…
http://craftastrophe.net/2011/04/nsfw-farewell/
If you haven’t seen it yet… and if 6 million people haven’t already sent you this way as I am posting without reading…
keep scrolling down.
M
OH MY GOD.
A penis Koozy?
That is AWESOME!
I figured you needed to see that, a good laugh is never turned down.
Can you imagine hauling that out as you sat on the bus or in a Dr’s waiting room?!?!?!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAAHAA!!!
M
Dying.
I want one.
If I worked for homeland security, stuck with the nefarious job of scrolling through a person’s Google search history, yours would be the one I’d: print out, hang on my cubicle, share with everybody else, then put you on “the watch list” just I could find out what sick fuck wants to use an earthworm as a dildo.
I do not have this job, so I shall just fall to the floor, clutching my sides, in an hysterical fit of giggles.
Thank you.
Kelly -
GUESS WHAT?
Pretty all True is banned by the Federal Government on all Homeland Security computers.
I am not even kidding.
Really.
LOL how did I know this was going to be a sex post?
Yes, well . . . Today followed naturally from yesterday.
Ahem.
Maybe tomorrow is a parenting post sort of day.
Maybe.
oh my god. *wipes tears of laughter*
i am so glad your blog is not down today!
that was awesome!!
Sarah -
I love you.
Swoon!
First? The rock dildo does not look like it would bring me pleasure of any kind. My third eye chakra is just fine. Thankyouverymuch!
Second? Who needs a vibrator that cranks? That’s more work than what it should be.
And third? I tried to think myself to orgasm last night with no success. Apparently I am not as imaginative as I once thought I was.
I tried to think my way to orgasm last night as well.
After some thinking?
I thought perhaps more than thought was required.
I am all geniusy that way.
The title for this post should have been…
…
…
…
…
…
Constant Cranking!
Bahahahaha!
Seriously. It so should have been!
Hee hee!
I still like my title, because . . . well, I just love the title of that song and all it implies.
But your title?
Also funny.
Hee hee!
When i was alluding to google research this isn’t exactly what i had in mind…although i do like the way your mind processes work.
I’m still working on the think your way to an orgasm…i really don’t believe it.
You have your Google research and I have mine.
Mine is way fun.
And there were far too many people on Twitter last night claiming to be able to think themselves to orgasm . . . I’m pretty sure it is an actual phenomenon.
Annoying.