“Mother?”
“Yeah?”
Maj is all cranky, “Mother, I am having yet another issue with the younger girl who lives here.”
“What’s the deal?”
“She won’t give me my hairbrush. She is being completely unreasonable.”
“Did you try to talk to her?”
“Yes, Mother. I used my words just like you said. I used my words and she did not listen.”
I keep typing and Maj gets annoyed, “Are you listening, Mother? I am telling you that I spoke to her and tried to resolve this issue. I spoke to her and then I rearranged my words and spoke to her again.”
“You are an odd child, Maj. You spoke to her and then you rearranged your words and spoke to her again? You mean like in random fashion?”
“Mother, don’t be ridiculous. I rearranged my words for maximum persuading power.”
“Sweetie, you make me laugh.”
Maj laughs as well, “She was not swayed, Mother. She is like a wild animal. A small vicious raccoon. You cannot reason with vicious raccoons.”
“Maj, I’m busy right now. Can the hairbrush wait for a few minutes?”
“What?”
“The hairbrush . . . the thing you wanted, remember?”
“Hmmm . . . the truth is I don’t really need my hairbrush at this moment, Mother. I just want you to appreciate the difficulties of my sisterhood.”
I gesture to Mark’s empty’s chair, “Sit and talk to me while I finish this up, babe. Then we’ll go deal with the vicious raccoon together.”
Maj twirls in her Daddy’s chair, “OK, so as long as I have your attention . . . I wonder if you could explain the fabulousness of lockers to me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Isn’t a locker just a rectangular metal box you put your school stuff in?”
“Pretty much.”
“Alright, so next year when we go to Junior High, we each get a locker. Why is everyone so excited about lockers? It’s a box for stuff at school.”
“Well, it’s a sign of being a big kid. You get to decorate it and personalize it and keep your stuff in it.”
“But we have a desk this year. We get to decorate that a little bit and keep our stuff in it. Isn’t a locker just a way of saying . . . We don’t have a desk that’s just for you, so put all of your stuff in this hallway box?”
“Umm . . . Sort of, I guess. I remember when I was a kid, it seemed like a really big deal. A place at school that was just mine.”
Maj looks at me pityingly, “Were you as giddy as the kids at school? They are absurdly happy, Mother. You should see them. It’s like they have never had a box that closes before. They cannot wait! It’s like nothing matters about going to Junior High except getting a hall-box.”
“Seriously, Maj . . . you crack me up.”
Maj spins in her chair, “I may have to fake some hall-box joy just to fit in, Mother.”
“Good plan, Maj. Wouldn’t want anyone to think you are different.”
She giggles and spins, “Also, Mother?”
“Yes?”
“What does the word meander mean, exactly?”
“Couple things, but generally when people use meander, they mean to wander aimlessly and without purpose.”
“That’s what my teacher said! That makes no sense.”
“Why not?”
“Because if you are meandering, you are doing it on purpose! Otherwise you would just walk quickly from here to there. Meandering is not aimless and without purpose . . . meandering is taking the time to appreciate the walk. On purpose.”
“Maj, that is an excellent point.”
Maj spins happily, “Yes, I thought so.”
I type for a few minutes.
“Mother, would it be possible for you to type up a list of all the things I am allowed to do that Kallan is not allowed to do because she is younger than I am and therefore not deserving of the same privileges?”
“Ummm . . . no.”
“Why not, Mother? It is a simple enough request.”
“We don’t have hard-and-fast rules like that.”
“How can you not see that this is a significant parenting failure, Mother? I am two years older than Kallan is.”
“Yeah, we decide things on a case-by-case basis. Was there something in particular you wanted to do?”
“No. But I would like a list of the choices.”
“Hmmm . . . Oh wait!” I giggle, “You can get your nose pierced!”
“That’s preposterous and not at all true.”
“You are all vocabulary today!”
“I am all vocabulary all the time, Mother. You are avoiding my question. What can I do that Kallan cannot do?”
“Drive me insane?”
“You know very well Kallan does that as much as I do.”
“That’s true. Ooooh . . . Have you forgotten that you will get a locker next year? That’s awesome!”
Maj stops the spinning chair, looks at me, and speaks flatly, “Very funny, Mother. Wooo hoo and ecstasy.”
I stand and walk with her up the stairs, “Hey, Maj?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re going to have to work on your fake hall-box joy, babe.”
“Duh, Mother. Don’t worry. I’ll have the whole summer to work up some gid.”
Snort!
1st?
Silly silly you.
First?
OK, people? You are supposed to read the post first.
Snort!
I DID read the post first this time.. That’s why I wasn’t first in commenting.
Yay! I was first and now I am second. My lifelong dream has been fulfilled. Ok I am going to read the post, which I know will be awesome.
Michelle -
You need bigger dreams, babe!
WAY BIGGER.
Like with cookies and alcohol and porn.
Just saying.
Silly woman.
I have fulfilled two of those dreams already. I made oatmeal cookies today and had jager bombs. I will watch porn, by myself when I go to bed which will be very soon.
Really?
Good lord, woman!
You are living my dream day!
I am thinking maybe busty cops hawaii or the hills have thighs. You are welcome to join me. Consdiering the fact that john is passed out on the couch. :)
I would love to join you.
Here?
The TV is tuned to iCarly.
Sigh.
Damn. So close!
I’m going to need your kid to give my kid vocab lessons this summer. Think Maj wants a part-time job?
Natalie -
Maj is a HUGE fan of words. She reads endlessly and she notices new words. She loves to toss them into the conversation to see if anyone is paying attention.
And when she finds one she likes, she uses it a lot.
I am “absurd” and “preposterous” quite often lately.
Sigh.
My 12 year old kills me with his “what does that mean” every time I use a word he doesn’t know. Yesterday, he accused me of using big words just to confuse him.
Because that is my main goal as his parent- confuse him with a large vocabulary.
Natalie -
It is fun to confuse your kids with big words, but then they learn them. And then they turn the words back on you.
Wait . . . Did you just call me a harridan, young lady?
STOP THAT!
A hall box? That is hilarious!
My elementary school had lockers. You didn’t get one until you got to fifth/sixth grade though. And we didn’t need locks.
Junior high was when the locks were needed.
I remember always being worried that I would forget the combination to my lock.
I have dreams, to this day, that I can not remember my combination and therefor can not get into my locker and get my stuff.
I may have a few issues.
Possibly.
Stasha -
I am pretty sure that every single year I had a locker, I forgot my combination over the Christmas break. It was always really embarrassing to have to go to the office ladies and ask them to look it up for me.
Sigh.
We had to provide our own locks.
So no one had the combination but you.
That is until my junior year in high school. The school must have gotten tired of always having to cut locks off of some poor schmo’s locker.
Heh.
From 5th grade until 10th grade, the school assigned lockers that had locks that were an integral part of the locker.
11th grade I had to provide a lock (that was a new school).
And then I skipped 12th grade.
What?
Don’t rub it in that you didn’t have to deal with the bullshit that is Senior Year.
My school sucked. Big donkey balls.
I had to argue with my counselor the first week of my senior year because I was still listed as a junior.
Why I had to argue with her I will never know.
Finally got it all straightened out though.
I was so happy to graduate and put the hell that was my high school behind me.
What?
My school sucked as well.
That’s why I left a year early.
Major suckage.
I want lessons as well. She is very well spoken and smart. And why are we all excited to get a hall box? So amy thoughts to ponder. Maj and Kallan remind me of my sister and I, who are civil but are so different we still do not get along, even though I have tried, it makes me sad.
Michelle -
Maj and Kallan are different in everything.
Everything.
Sigh.
They love one another, but they are complete opposites.
Fun but exhausting.
My brain keeps relatively useless pieces of knowledge. This is one of them:
The word meander comes from a river in Turkey. I suppose you could say the river had purpose in its meanderings. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maeander_River
Also, having a locker next to a 13 year old boys is a pain the the ass.
That’s an awesome link! Thank you!
And I remember really hating when I got the bottom locker. I was always short, so I was generally assigned a bottom locker. Things fall on you a lot and if you are not careful, you sometimes end up crouched in front of someone’s crotch area. Good times.
I have not mentioned that possibility to shortie Maj.
Ack.
I was always blessed with full tall lockers. Lots of space. Everyone made shelves so they had a place to put their boots at the bottom and then more books or whatever on top.
David Laverty was my problem. Same home room class in grade 8 and my last name started with K, so alphabetical order was to blame. His locker was to my left so if he opened his door wide, I couldn’t get to my locker. Or frequently get ‘accidentally’ hit with his door.
Grade 9, started high school, same problem but Dave’s locker was on my right this time! Huzzah! He was actually less annoying. We mostly ignored each other. I was almost disappointed. Almost.
Lisa -
Yeah, full-length lockers are way better. Way better.
As for your story?
I love that last part with its hint of what might have been . . .
We mostly ignored each other. I was almost disappointed. Almost.
I seriously hope my girls keep their wordiness and articulate themselves the way your girls seem to.
My 4.5 year old loves to correct me by saying “Well actually mommy…” It’s endearing. For now. I fear it will not be as endearing the older she gets, but we will cross that bridge when we get there.
Seriously? This is the second time I’ve posted with the wrong blog (changed over my site in March). But the sentiment remains the same :)
OK, that’s pretty funny.
That is soooo something I would do.
That’s why I can never change the blog.
I would so forget.
Natalie -
Maj in particular is wordy as hell.
She is a huge smartass and way sarcastic and wordy as hell.
No idea where she picked this stuff up.
What?
Both of mine are pretty wordy for their ages, and tonight I was trying to explain tone to them b/c the Olivia (my oldest)yelled “WHAT” kind of snottily. So I told her when you said it that way it made it seem like you were mad or frustrated or irritated w/ someone. She looked at me and said “Well…we were.” She’s 4 and a half! Lord help me.
Natalie -
Oh my god. I have so had that conversation with the girls.
“Kallan, when you speak that way you sound very rude and as if you intend to hurt your sister’s feelings. Try again and use your tone to express what you really mean.”
“Ummm, Mom? What I really mean is that I would like to be rude and hurt Maj’s feelings. My tone was perfect.”
Sigh.
I am in shock and disbelief that you have a typo!!
I have been reading you for a long time and NEVER EVER seen a typo.
Is this a trick?
Or like a scavenger hunt?
Do I get a prize for pointing it out?
Will you fix it?
These questions and more on the next episode of Pretty All True…
love ya!
Sometimes, despite my best efforts, a typo slips by me.
I am not the fastest or most accurate typist in the world, so I generally have to go back and make some corrections after I have written a piece.
This time, my mistake is not leaping out from the page at me, even though you tell me it is there.
Guidance, please.
It was in the comment that I replied to, not the post itself.
I was attempting humor not criticism, because I have nothing but bloggy admiration for you Kris!!
“tone to expres what”
the mistake is obo in the word “express”
obo—heee
that is all
Snort!
I am much less detail-oriented in my comments than I am with my actual posts. I’m sure typos slip past me once in a while. Thanks for pointing that one out . . . I thought you meant in the post itself.
That would have driven me nuts.
Sigh.
Thanks, babe.
So the new site works great, even on my droid. Been off the bloggin scene for awhile and damn near forgot how funny you are. What I want to know…nay NEED to know…is whether Man really speaks in this manner. Because I have a daughter. She is 5 and I swear if there’s even the slightest hope she might someday have an equally hilarious conversation with me, I may just wet myself with excitement, lol. What a hoot!
Laura -
Yay for finally having resolved the speed issues. Fingers crossed for continued uninterrupted loveliness. YAY!
Maj really talks like this.
Not all the time. She is also capable of being quite childish and emotional and occasionally incoherent with rage. But when Maj is in a thoughtful mood?
Maj really talks like this.
PAY HER, NOW. (*writhing in laughter*)
ACK!
If she starts charging me for the inspiration she provides, I will be penniless.
Even more than I am now, I mean.
That would not be good.
“significant parenting failure” – Oh my, tha’twas a classic right there.
Maj has lobbed that phrase at me before.
A killing blow, as far as she is concerned.
Hee hee!
meandering is taking the time to appreciate the walk.
I like this way better. And I love the use of “gid” instead of “giddiness”
Meanwhile, my 3 year old can count to 20, and told me all weekend that I was “freaking” her out. As in, “You’re freaking me out, Mom.”
Brandi -
Your three year old told you that you are freaking her out?
Ooooh . . . watch out for that little girl!
I love her!
She is also exceptionally wordy. Not just for a 3 yr. old.
She told me this weekend she couldn’t understand something (a computer game she was trying to play) because it was too, “Compwicated.” She knows her words and I can tell I have a Maj on the way but can’t say her L’s.
Maj was also lispy at age three.
Don’t worry . . . you have much properly enunciated verbal doomage ahead of you.
YAY!
The thing is, as far as words go? I was very Maj and still kind of am. My parents keep saying something about what comes around. . .
Brandi -
It’s not so bad, this coming around thing.
I enjoy the hell out of Maj.
Maj is so ahead of her time. Not that I need to point that blatant fact out to you.
Just saying, she speaks so well, and this line?
“I’ll have the whole summer to work up some gid.”
Yeah.
That is exactly how our interns talk. College seniors! It cracks me up. It’s the half-word.
It’s also addicting.
For instance, from just today? I submit the following:
“Hey, that’s crazy! Actually, it’s ridic!”
“You wanna come with? Maybs?”
And of course,
“I can’t, I have to make copies…what-evs!”
Maj is totally in.
Sarie -
Are you serious?
Because Maj has also been telling me that things are ovo (obvious), tote (totally), and core (correct).
And she also says “what-ev!”
This is a thing?
I thought Maj was just a loon.
It is totally a thing.
Which reminds me, I forgot about “tote.” I hear that one a lot too.
Can’t do it. Can’t do the tote part.
I do, however, drop an occasional “what-ev.”
This is a very recent development in Maj’s speech, and one Kallan has not yet imitated.
I so thought Maj was just being odd.
That’s kind of awesome!
I love the hall-box term. It is so great. I remember not being too excited about a locker/hall-box either. Hell half the time I couldn’t even open mine. Either that or I had to wait forever just to get into mine. I wasn’t a pushy girl. I wasn’t one to shove the giddy classmates out of the way. Anyways, I wish Maj luck in the locker world. Tell her to never write notes and slip them between the slits in the locker unless she has thought about it for numerous hours, and then thought about it some more. Oh lockers…
Kim -
Yeah, Maj is not going to enjoy the shoving aspect of locker dealings. She is a girl who like her personal space. We’ll cross that touchy-feely bridge when we get to it.
And the other piece of advice?
Unless Maj changes drastically over the summer, she is not the sort of girl to slip a note into someone’s locker. At least not a note she would worry about. At all.
Kallan, on the other hand?
ACK.
Haha yea I wasn’t one to leave notes in lockers until about 7th grade. I was a very shy girl so when I did leave the occasional note in the locker, I worried about it forever. Hopefully Maj never becomes one of those. Its terrible.
ACK!
Maj will be in 7th grade next year!
ACK!
Oh man. Crazy times ahead. Although Maj sounds to not be your average almost 7th grader, so you may be ok!
Maj will put her own unique spin on the Junior High experience.
I am in for a bumpy ride.
Ack.
I was sitting here wondering why I could suddenly hear Maj’s voice so much clearer… and then it hits me.
My 8 year old cousin Maddy talks EXACTLY like her and is over here regularly these days. My respect for you has now gone up x100000000 because my cousins drive my aunt NUTS!! (ages 8 and 6)
Also did you see I made a facebook page! I think as my reward for being such an awesome psychophant you should go like it!
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Whatcha-Talkin-Bout-Willis/141004745968827?ref=ts
Amy -
YAY! Despite what some people seem to believe, there are other children who talk like Maj and Kallan. In fact, Maj has a friend (who I will not identify here and who I do not ever quote here because I don’t write about the girls’ friends) . . . but this friend? She is a walking fountain of blog material.
Oh my god.
She so is.
She and Maj together? They are INSANE.
Also?
I of course liked your Facebook page, lovely psychophantic you!
But I’m not kidding when I say I am rarely on Facebook.
Just so you know.
I can see that, it’s enough for me knowing you “liked” it LOL!
And kids are a wonderful fountain of blog posts. Seriously if my family didn’t freak out and forbid me from talking in depth about any of them, my blog would be a LOT funnier lol.
Amy -
Yeah, one of my rules is that I don’t bring the girls’ friends into my stories except in the most generic way.
Too problematic otherwise.
But man . . . I have to skip some really good stories because of this rule.
Sigh.
Happy giddy squeals of happiness!
Snort!
Silly you.