Yay! It’s time for another installment of . . .
Random Bits of Conversation at Our House
1) Kallan got a dress for Easter that can also be worn as a skirt. When worn as a dress, the outfit has a little detachable strap that hooks from the front of the dress around Kallan’s neck. She is not inclined to wear the little strap, as she is pretty sure the Easter Bunny meant for her to go strapless.
This plan goes predictably awry.
Which leads to Mark yelling at Kallan as she hikes the dress up for perhaps the billionth time . . .
“Get the strap on! Why are you walking around without the strap on? In this house, we wear the strap on!”
Really, Mark?
Really?
2) Kallan has been ending our crabbier conversations lately by pausing in the doorway as she leaves the room and then bringing her pointer and middle fingers up to her own eyes. She glares at me and then directs those same two fingers at me, a sort of mild implied threat. She is keeping her eye on me . . . she sees me.
OK, so she got all pissed off the other day and stalked away from me, pausing at the door to bring her two fingers up to her eyes. But then as she directed those fingers to me, she lowered them a bit and spread out her fingers.
“Wait, Kallan! What’s up with the threatening fingers of doom? Why are they lower and farther apart?”
She glared at me and pointed again with both fingers outspread, “I’m aiming at your boobs. Your boobs are going down, Mom.”
Huh.
3) I was talking to a fairly successful blogger the other day who was trying to work out how best to review a stroller he had been given. I know, right? Nobody gives me any fucking strollers. OK, but that’s beside the point.
We were discussing how best to make the discussion of the stroller organic to the post he was writing.
Here was my suggestion . . .
First? Write of hot sex you have recently had. Make it really steamy. Lots of graphic details. And then after the sex? You trip on the stroller on the way to the bathroom. You are naked and bruised and on the floor, staring up at the stroller. Rhapsodize from there about the wonders of this fabulous baby item! And then perhaps get aroused again. The stroller is that awesome. Finish with a masturbation scene. And then a note about how the stroller wipes clean so easily! Done!
The more-successful-than-I-am blogger rejected this approach.
I am marketing handicapped, apparently.
Although, personally? I would so read that post.
4) We are at the shoe store, and Mark is trying on shoes. There is no little bench on which to sit, so he is down on first one knee and then the other as he ties the laces. He goes to stand up and suddenly lurches sideways, a weird grimace on his face. My heart stops for a second . . . medical emergency!
But then he rights himself and limps gingerly to lean against a wall, crying out, “Charlie toe! Charlie toe!”
Charlie toe?
Maj and Kallan and I shriek with mocking laughter.
5) We are headed out of the bathroom at a local fast-food restaurant, and I grab Kallan by the shoulder, “Oh, no you don’t. Get back in there and wash your hands.”
As we then exit the bathroom, there is a small crowd of people waiting for their food. Kallan runs dramatically through the crowd and flings herself at Mark, “Father! That hideous woman has laid hands upon me!”
She delivers this tragic lament in a perfect English accent.
Hello, American fast-food eaters . . . that English loon is actually my daughter. Really. Yes, I am aware that I do not have an English accent.
Sigh.
6) Maj stands before me. “Take my measure, Mother.”
“Let’s see. You are short and stubborn and smart and sarcastic.”
“What? Stop that. I want you to measure how tall I am. I am pretty sure I am taller than the last time we checked.”
Maj hands me the tape measure, and she stands against the door-frame. I carefully make a mark with a pencil, and then we pull the tape measure to check the distance from floor to pencil mark.
We stare at the tape measure together.
“OK, Mother . . . so how tall was I the last time we checked?”
“No idea, babe.”
Maj is incredulous, “What do you mean you have no idea?”
“I don’t keep track of how tall you are.”
“What are you talking about? You made me go through all that endocrinologist stuff because the doctors thought I was too short. They measured me about a billion times.”
“Yeah, I know . . . but I never once cared how tall you are, so I never paid attention to that part of the conversation. I only wanted to know if there was a problem.”
Maj stares at me.
I laugh, “What?”
“I don’t know why I have to tell you this, but mothers are supposed to know how tall their children are.”
“Hmmm, let me think. I know you come to about my shoulder.”
Maj glares at me, “That is unacceptable unless you have my growth chart tattooed along the side of your body, Mother.”
“Really, Maj?”
Maj looks at me, “Really, Mother. Growth-chart tattoos. You should be writing this stuff down, Mother. Someone else can learn from your mistakes.”
Done.
*raises hand*
Me. I do not want to jerk off on a stroller.
Not that I could *technically* jerk off onto anything.
But that’s a little creepy. What if you accidentally left the baby in there and then he was all staring at you?
I do like the part of the story that involved hot, graphic sex though.
Also I think there have been a fair amount of sex stories that ended with “and then we had to buy a stroller.”
Just ask Amy!
Also. “Your boobs are going down”? Did not see that coming. I am so thieving that.
Also? In the grand scheme of things? Thanks to gravity?
All of our boobs are going down.
Kallan is so wise and sage-like.
BAHAHAHA!
Haven?
We are sharing the same brain wave here babe.
I don’t care if you’re in my head but please clean up your mess when you’re done.
Hee hee!
Okay also? I’m pretty sure we were both writing comments that started with “B(W)AHAHAHA!” at the exact same time.
This is getting freaky.
The only way it could get freakier is if we added strap-ons and strollers to the mix.
Oh wait.
Hee hee!
I am all sleep deprived because I just had to watch the silly wedding.
What’s your excuse?
I have no excuse. This is just me.
All the time.
Should I be worried?
Psshaw!
No way you should be worried!
This is awesome times a billion!
We will have this thread all commented up and Kris won’t be able to answer us.
Hee hee!
Sadly, ladies? I am going to have to come back later to get all of the last words. There’s an event at the girls’ school I have promised to attend.
So carry on!
Run amuck!
I love you!
Later!
Have fun!
I brought my camping gear!
Hee hee!
Did you remember the S’mores?
I love those guys.
Yes.
I had the S’mores.
But I ate them.
Want the crumbs?
This is payback for the time I offered you the packing peanuts coated with cheese dust, isn’t it?
Yes.
Exactly that reason.
And maybe because it’s Saturday.
Hee hee!
You do get silly on Saturday.
Sadly, I am not really here.
Hee hee!
LOVE the strap on (comment, realized I might be divulging too much info if I didn’t clarify!)
CHARLIE TOE! I literally guffawed!
And? Maj? If only she knew about my lack of baby booking skills. I am so ashamed. I just put down random guessed dates in the month they actually did they’re exciting moment. HEY! I remember they walked and talked! That should count for something :)
Cassandra -
I am so imaging you writing this comment while wearing a strap-on.
Happy sighs.
As for the baby book?
I filled in a single page of Maj’s baby book. Maybe two pages. Maybe.
No pages in Kallan’s book, which I failed to actually purchase.
Ahem.
Maj just shakes her head as she flips through the empty pages.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
1. Did Mark ever realize just exactly what he was saying?
2. Got news for Kallan… Thanks to gravity ALL of our boobs are going down.
3. Sex and the stroller. What better way to do a review?
4. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! What the fuck? Charlie toe? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
5. I would have died on the spot from laughter.
6. I am about 5’10”.
When I try to explain to my Mom how tall Kaylee is, I usually say “She is about as tall as my boobs Mom.”
Because? I have no fucking clue how tall my daughter is.
I guess I fail by Maj’s standards also. Heh.
Plus? Can I PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE be a part of your family, for a day? Please?
I want in on this giggle fest.
BWAHAHAHA! THIS time Stasha? I beat you to the punch(line)!
Stasha -
Your points, as you raised them . . .
1) Mark realized what he was saying when he saw me staring at him incredulously. But not until then. He had no clue.
2) Nope. My boobs are staying perky. Duct tape.
3) These stroller people need to be in touch. I would be amazing at stroller-porn!
4) Mark makes me laugh SO much.
5) Sigh. Kallan is such a pain in the ass.
6) I know! Who keeps track of their children’s height to the 1/8 inch? Maj will . . . but who else?
Geez.
OMG I cannot be the first to comment. How can that be when I am all East coasty and still at work? Anyway… Freaking Hysterical :-)
Love it!
Fan for life.
Chris
Chris -
You are a fan for life?
That should get you a bumper sticker or something.
Sadly I have none.
Thank you so much!
Kris
OK I now see 4 comments that did not show before. And my comment (with the revised name) is awaiting moderation.
No worries- Will check in later.
Approved you (of course).
Yay!
LOL! I was laughing so hard I then had to read it to my husband so he could see why I was disturbing the peace!
Amy -
I love that so much.
So fucking much.
YAY!
That happens to me all. the. time.
Kris, I’m pretty sure most of your posts are read by me twice. Once to myself and then again because Joel wants to know what’s so funny.
Yay for me!
Serious happiness at the thought.
Love that.
Ok, Mark’s killed me. Really, Mark? Really?
I think I did the english accent thing too… In fact, in college my answering machine message(remember those?)was done in an english accent because I hated how my voice sounded with my normal one.
No weirdness here.
Loved these.
Kelly -
Mark kills me. I so adore that goofy man and his words of silly.
Swoon!
And you?
Have plenty of weird.
You so do.
Do you have any proof that no one in your house wears a strap on?
SNORT!
M
ps – hideous woman touched me… oh there would HAVE to be payback for that one…
I am not inclined to provide proof of our strap-on free status, silly Mishelle.
Can you imagine the proof that would be required?
HA!
And don’t worry . . . I always make Kallan pay for this shit.
Always.
Umm… I don’t suppose you could pass along said payback? I do take notes…
M
Let’s just say that it involved me standing in a crowded tweenie store demanding in big loud mom tones that she apologize for rudeness.
And then refusing to move until she apologized in a big loud voice.
Kallan was mortified.
Awesomeness!
Oh… I bow to your evil-Momness…
Just bow.
I’m not worthy, I’m not worthy!!
M
Kallan was not at all happy.
She told on me as soon as we walked into the house after this outing.
Mark just laughed.
Love that man.
Ummmm…I totally get Charlie toe all. the. time!! Except I dance around saying “foot spasm,” “foot spasm!” and my husband laughs at me. It is so not funny. Poor Charlie toed Mark…
Jamie -
Make a note, though.
Although the pain (I am sure) is not amusing?
The phrase “Charlie toe” is sure to amuse those around you.
You should think of them.
Giggle.
i love random. random funny is the best.
and? now I will use Charlie Toe. fist bump to Mark.
Katie -
Sometimes there is a whole story.
And sometimes, I just end up with random bits and pieces that don’t fit anywhere.
But I still must share them.
Charlie toe?
That’s gold, right there.
Gold.
Growth-chart tattoo! Love it, and note duly taken.
Only one question. What is Charlie toe? Google was no help… is it a cramp?
Feeling slightly silly… just slightly…
I noted in my tags that a charlie toe is like a charlie horse.
But smaller.
And much more mockable.
Much . . . more . . . mockable.
I’d never even heard of a charlie horse before. This time, the internet was my friend. Charlie horse is strictly a North American term, so I feel less silly now.
Wikipedia informs me that the Aussie equivalent is a corked thigh, or “corky”. Um… never heard that either! Dead leg is probably what I call it.
But yes… charlie toe… very mockable indeed!
Oh, that’s so funny!
It never occurred to me that Charlie horse was a uniquely North American term.
Oops.
I do like “corky,” though.
That makes me giggle.
Charlie horses hurt… bad. I sometimes get them at night and I usually wake up on the floor in excruciating pain! I feel for Mark’s toe.
As for the strap on? I would guess that after the first time he said it, he knew what he was saying, thought it was flapping hilarious and kept saying it.
you, my dear, are comic gold!
Also a little story. My parents had a growth chart. It moved from house to house on a 2×4. But we dont keep one for the kids. I think I’m too lazy!
Russell -
The worst for me was when I was pregnant. I would wake up in the middle of the night with one of my calves bunched up in a a big ball. AUGH!
And guess what? Mark did not focus on what he was saying until he saw me staring at him incredulously. I swear.
And then he said, “You are going to blog about this, aren’t you?”
Duh.
That really makes it funnier. I swear.. sitcom gold.
Yes!
Put a call into those sitcom folks for me, would you?
They are not answering my texts.
Snort!
If I see some stupid show on fox with kids named Taj and Gallan you will know that a screenwriter is lurking your site.
You make me laugh.
I adore you.
I also meant to tell you that if you are selling that stroller I am buying!
Snort!
Couldn’t click out (use that with friends, mkay? Trying to make “click out” the new bloggy “peace out”) without a little cheerleading. This was sis-boom-bah funny!
Click-out?
I will have to see if that grows on me.
But cheerleading?
Love that!
Thank you!
I have a wall with a sort-of-growth chart.
This pencil marked wall is completely maintained by the 7-yr old. Because it is maintained by a 7-yr old, some months he actually shrinks an inch and gets very upset.
I too care not, nor do I know, how tall my kids are. Mostly because I don’t want the little one to grow any faster and the damn teenager already stands a foot and a half above me.
It is very hard to yell at your child when you are staring into their navel. This is why he is forced to kneel before me when I have some serious things to discuss with him!
The strap thing. I am soooo glad I have boys. No wardrobe malfunctions there. 9 times out of 10 they have no wardrobe on.
wait, what?
Oh, you made me laugh! I know all about the height measurements made by children and the awesome tragedy involved in shrinking from month to month due to inaccurate measurement. So funny!
Maj is right, though. There was a lot of focus on her height (and lack of height). It is reasonable to think that I would have made notes of her height. Except as you say? I just don’t care how tall she is . . . as long as there is no medical problem? Don’t care at all.
And the wardrobe issues are just going to get more difficult around here from this point on.
Sigh.
Your boys run around naked?
Really?
That makes me giggle!
The girls would be horrified.
They do! I swear I’m not making it up. In fact, the 7-yr old still thinks it is ok to pee in the yard. I admit this little pee in the yard trick was one fabulous potty training tool. After a week of bush vandalism, both boys were totally potty trained.
The naked thing, mostly still the 7-yr old who is going through that tough not-a-toddler-anymore thing.
The teenager…mostly shirtless moments. However, the other day I burst in his room (I had like 20 minutes before Starbucks closed and I was in desperate need) and he’s all sprawled on his bed in boxers. He did this quick I-should-cover-up-twitch, then his face said screw-it, it’s just mom. He did ever so casually try and cross his legs. I laughed so hard he had to help me off the hall floor so we could leave.
Your 7 year old pees in the yard?
That is really kind of awesome.
And “bush vandalism” makes me all giggly.
As for the story of your older boy?
Oh, I just love those moments of weak-kneed laughter.
Swoon!
I just love those moments.
I would so buy a stroller from you!
I know, right?
I am going to have a stroller empire!
I will need a lot of diaper wipes.
Ahem.
I don’t know. I’m sort of all freaked out by the stroller thing. But maybe it is because when I saw Strap in the title, the first thing that came to mind was sex toys.
Then after reading the “stroller” ad, I pictured this guy stumbling into the stroller in one of those crazy leather studded criss-cross man-thong things.
And even though I read every word, I can still see him.
OK, seriously.
I LOVE your mind.
I see him as well!
Yay!