I bring you . . .
Eight Random Things That Made Me Laugh Hysterically
(Which May Or May Not Be As Funny To You Don’t Even Care It’s My Blog So Hush)
1) The doorbell rings, and Maj runs to retrieve the package from our front steps as the UPS guy turns to leave, “Daddy’s big box of lube is here! Mother! Daddy’s box of lube is here!”
The “lube” is automotive lubricant Mark uses for the girls’ soapbox cars. He is now carefully referring to it as “automotive lubricant” in front of the girls. Ahem.
2) Mark walks into the room with his arms held out in front of him to demonstrate the fact that the sleeves of his shirt have shrunk in the laundry, “What’s wrong with this picture, Kris? Look at me! My sleeves are too short to box with God!”
That is so not how the saying goes.
3) A snippet of a preview for some new reality dance program comes on the TV, and there is a bossy woman screaming at a group of dancers, “Dance full out until your knuckles bleed!”
Wait . . . what?
Exactly what sort of dancing are we talking about?
4) Kallan and I are walking around the neighborhood, and she is quiet and thoughtful for a moment. Just for a moment, and then she says, “You know what would be awesome?”
“If there was a boy named Fartain.”
“Oh my god, Kallan! That is the worst name ever!”
She giggles, “No, it would be awesome, because then when I saw him, I could be all gangstery.”
She turns to me and throws out some small-white-girl rapper hand gestures and speaks in her best gangster voice, “Hey, Fartain! Whassup, Fartain? Whassup?”
“Wouldn’t that be great, Mom?”
5) Searching online the other day for earthy dildos (Shut up! It was research.), I came across an offer for a smiley green wormish dildo called Patchy Paul.
Who named this product? Patchy Paul is a man in need of medical attention. No toy whose name suggests a man with loose flaking skin is coming anywhere near me in a sexual fashion.
What the fuck?
In weirdly related news? I had a dream the other night in which a man appeared who had a small dark bird upon his shoulder. The bird fluttered about the man’s head, removing and eating small bits of skin that were flaking off of his face. In my dream, I was untroubled by this symbiotic relationship.
Awake and thinking back on the dream?
Pretty sure that was Patchy Paul.
6) In the midst of another bout of insomnia, I lay on the couch and watched old episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond. It was a marathon of some sort, and in answer to your question . . . yes, I had lost the remote control. Anyway, there was an episode in which a woman bemoans the possibility that her boyfriend has turned gay after sleeping with her.
She is a spatula, she says . . . she flips them.
Which made me think of a cool new word!
Spatulay: Name for the last sexual intercourse (or for the person with whom one performed that sexual intercourse) before re-aligning one’s sexual preferences.
Yes, I was sleep-deprived and giddy. But still? I crack myself up.
7) I spent some time yesterday trying to remember the name of a German band I used to like. They had this video with which I was obsessed for a short period of time a long time ago. Wonder what they’ve been up to? They were awesome!
And then I found the video on YouTube and clicked it happily, thinking to recapture the awesomeness of that earlier obsession.
Rammstein’s Du Hast.
So much giggling.
People? I must have been on crack back when I liked this band and this video.
8) The smaller dog rolled in his own pee (don’t ask), and so Kallan and I took him upstairs to wash him in the bathtub. I started filling the tub as Kallan spoke baby-talk of reassurance to an anxious Jack, who is not fond of being bathed.
“Jackie! Awwww . . . you like your pee-ness, don’t you? You don’t want to lose your pee-ness, do you? Don’t worry, we’ll do it quick. You’ll see, Jackie . . . you’ll be all lovable without your . . .”
And then she stopped and turned wide eyes to me as she realized what she was saying.
And then we both sank to the bathroom floor in helpless teary giggles as the water ran and Jack danced about in all his pee-ness glory.
I command it.