Today?
I bring you . . .
Eight Random Things That Made Me Laugh Hysterically
(Which May Or May Not Be As Funny To You Don’t Even Care It’s My Blog So Hush)
1) The doorbell rings, and Maj runs to retrieve the package from our front steps as the UPS guy turns to leave, “Daddy’s big box of lube is here! Mother! Daddy’s box of lube is here!”
The “lube” is automotive lubricant Mark uses for the girls’ soapbox cars. He is now carefully referring to it as “automotive lubricant” in front of the girls. Ahem.
2) Mark walks into the room with his arms held out in front of him to demonstrate the fact that the sleeves of his shirt have shrunk in the laundry, “What’s wrong with this picture, Kris? Look at me! My sleeves are too short to box with God!”
That is so not how the saying goes.
3) A snippet of a preview for some new reality dance program comes on the TV, and there is a bossy woman screaming at a group of dancers, “Dance full out until your knuckles bleed!”
Wait . . . what?
Exactly what sort of dancing are we talking about?
4) Kallan and I are walking around the neighborhood, and she is quiet and thoughtful for a moment. Just for a moment, and then she says, “You know what would be awesome?”
“What?”
“If there was a boy named Fartain.”
“Oh my god, Kallan! That is the worst name ever!”
She giggles, “No, it would be awesome, because then when I saw him, I could be all gangstery.”
She turns to me and throws out some small-white-girl rapper hand gestures and speaks in her best gangster voice, “Hey, Fartain! Whassup, Fartain? Whassup?”
“Wouldn’t that be great, Mom?”
Dying.
5) Searching online the other day for earthy dildos (Shut up! It was research.), I came across an offer for a smiley green wormish dildo called Patchy Paul.
Who named this product? Patchy Paul is a man in need of medical attention. No toy whose name suggests a man with loose flaking skin is coming anywhere near me in a sexual fashion.
What the fuck?
In weirdly related news? I had a dream the other night in which a man appeared who had a small dark bird upon his shoulder. The bird fluttered about the man’s head, removing and eating small bits of skin that were flaking off of his face. In my dream, I was untroubled by this symbiotic relationship.
Awake and thinking back on the dream?
Pretty sure that was Patchy Paul.
6) In the midst of another bout of insomnia, I lay on the couch and watched old episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond. It was a marathon of some sort, and in answer to your question . . . yes, I had lost the remote control. Anyway, there was an episode in which a woman bemoans the possibility that her boyfriend has turned gay after sleeping with her.
She is a spatula, she says . . . she flips them.
Which made me think of a cool new word!
Spatulay: Name for the last sexual intercourse (or for the person with whom one performed that sexual intercourse) before re-aligning one’s sexual preferences.
Yes, I was sleep-deprived and giddy. But still? I crack myself up.
7) I spent some time yesterday trying to remember the name of a German band I used to like. They had this video with which I was obsessed for a short period of time a long time ago. Wonder what they’ve been up to? They were awesome!
And then I found the video on YouTube and clicked it happily, thinking to recapture the awesomeness of that earlier obsession.
Rammstein’s Du Hast.
So much giggling.
People? I must have been on crack back when I liked this band and this video.
Wow.
8) The smaller dog rolled in his own pee (don’t ask), and so Kallan and I took him upstairs to wash him in the bathtub. I started filling the tub as Kallan spoke baby-talk of reassurance to an anxious Jack, who is not fond of being bathed.
“Jackie! Awwww . . . you like your pee-ness, don’t you? You don’t want to lose your pee-ness, do you? Don’t worry, we’ll do it quick. You’ll see, Jackie . . . you’ll be all lovable without your . . .”
And then she stopped and turned wide eyes to me as she realized what she was saying.
And then we both sank to the bathroom floor in helpless teary giggles as the water ran and Jack danced about in all his pee-ness glory.
People?
Giggle.
I command it.
Hee hee!
So, are you going to enter that word in the UB?
I SOOO know you want to!
Oooh . . . I hadn’t thought of that.
Hmmm.
Wait a minute.
Done!
Yay!
I am a wordsmith!
Wasn’t that your dream? LOL
Happy wordy sighs.
Love the new words Spatulay and pee-ness. What’s a UB? (from the first comment)
UB stands for Urban Dictionary . . . a huge collection of made-up and mostly inappropriate words.
http://www.urbandictionary.com/
Check it out!
ROFLMAO!
Happy giggly sighs.
Yay!
One- I loved Du Hast back in the day. I still have no flipping idea what they were saying but I played it very loud when I was in a pissy mood.
Two- pee ness? Funny stuff.
Three- I’m pretty sure the dream you had was a scene from Stephen King’s Dark Half.
Natalie -
Du Hast is the lamest song and video ever! How did I love that video? Ack . . . I am all humiliated.
And I hate scary movies . . . Is Dark Half a movie?
Also I hate Stephen King.
I read IT a long time ago, and I was all traumatized.
Have you ever seen IT the movie? God, terrifying. If you haven’t seen it–DON’T. I watched it back when I was a pre-teen and all my friends loved to watch scary movies. That was before I was the biggest pussy ever and would have nighmares for years if I watched scary movies. Fucking peer pressure. I don’t watch scary movies anymore, but I’m still haunted by those ones I watched 18 years ago. Yick.
NO.
I don’t watch scary movies. Suspenseful I can handle, but movies intended to scare the shit out of me SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME. So no thanks.
I saw The Shining, though.
Eek!
#8 is hilarious. I could totally see myself in that situation with my boys.
It was so awesome.
I wasn’t focused on what she was saying, just trying to get the bath ready.
And then she turned to me with big wide eyes, and we just died.
Hee hee!
Ahahahahahahahaha! Pee-ness. That’s the best. word. ever.
Happy sighs.
Love that you loved the pee-ness.
What?
Spatulay!!
Awesome!!
I have a feeling that Maj and Kallan are quickly entering that stage where they catch their own verbal mishaps…I do not like this stage because so. much. humor. is. lost.
But I am reassured because I have
ALL THE FAITH IN THE WORLD
in you to find new humor for us.
So shall it be written,
so shall it be done.
that is all
Amy -
I know, right? The girls are very very smart, and they are catching their mistakes more and more often. Bummer for me.
But . . . there is always the next stage, and that stage promises great humor.
Don’t worry.
I’ll be fine.
Yay!
The bit about Fartain reminded me of Antoine Dodson. Did you ever see those videos?
If not, first watch this one:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EzNhaLUT520
Also yes. It is a real live news broadcast.
And then watch this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMtZfW2z9dw
Some kids saw the original broadcast and then auto-tuned his voice into a rap song.
He got about 15 minutes of fame out of that deal and moved his family out of the projects. Yay!
He is fabulous. And he is exactly how I imagine Kallan’s imaginary friend Fartain would be.
And these people would be Fartain’s relatives:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nda_OSWeyn8
Aaannndd his ex-girlfriend.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtkU2ch0sRI
I promise I am done now.
Oh . . . my . . . god.
Those videos are so awesome, I feel like I should be baking you cookies or something as a token of my appreciation.
Oh . . . my . . . god.
Thank you.
Oh my goodness! {Imagine me saying that as ghettoly as possible.}
I am dying!
I love video #2.
Imagine me rolling on the floor in helpless fits of giggly laughter.
I am confessing my undying love for Haven.
I have a girl-crush.
Right here. Right now.
Haven is amazingly awesome.
I have sooooo mentioned that before.
The girl crush is merited.
Carry on.
We need to get her on twitter!
Stat!
Hee hee!
She would kick some serious ass.
I have a twitter account and I follow you.
I just don’t really… Use… Twitter.
It confuses me. v.v
I am 95 years old apparently.
Wait . . . what?
Who are you on Twitter?
Oh! He is sooo Fartain! I am giggling like crazy! I’ve never seen that video before, but the radio station I listen to in the morning plays that “You are so dumb” clip all the time!
Swoon!
Big thanks to Haven for the links!
They are just perfect.
I think this would be a great post if my sense of humor weren’t lacking today.
But I did want to let you know I’d been here
:)
Awwww . . . I hate when my sense of humor goes missing.
I hate that.
Sorry, you.
Go rest and rejuvenate.
Giggles tomorrow.
Wow: serious tactical error to lump all of those classics into one post. Each of them could have carried a post all by themselves. TOOO FUNNY!
Of course I forgot that there’s an unlimited supply @ your house, so why hoard the goodies?
You know what?
I am trying to make Mark help me move this stupid blog again, and there are no guarantees there won’t be issues. And in fact? There were issues, and the blog has been intermittently unavailable today.
Sigh. Mark is working on it.
But on a day when I wasn’t confident of being able to answer comments?
I went with a list.
My go-to post when I do not have the ability to engage in the comments.
Anyway.
Love you, babe.
Thanks.
Yo, Kally-Kal!
Don’t you be dissin’ my name, girl. It’s coo’ to say it all gangsta like, but don’ lemme hear ya ‘frontin.
Peace.
Fartain Jones
Los Angeles, CA
Dear Fartain -
Kallan is the most ridiculous gangster-rapper in the history of the smallish white-girl world.
And you?
Are silly as can be.
Swoon!
Obedient giggles here!
Yay for obedience!
And for giggles.
Here is incredibly strange and random for you. I once knew a girl who had a boyfriend who LOVED (seriously LOVED as in owned all the music and had posters in his house!) Rammstein and he totally turned out to be a spatulay because he came out of the closet about a week after she broke up with him. I think her first clue should have been the deep Rammstein love, but that’s just me. I wonder what ever happened to him…
Deep Rammstein love?
That just sounds all kinds of gay.
Ahem.
It so does.
I didn’t think of that when I typed it, but you’re right. It so does. I always kinda thought he probably was. She just missed the signs…
Amy -
Gay men are lovely.
Sigh . . . they so are.
Except for that one issue?
They are perfect boyfriends.
Hahaha! Number 8 is killing me with laughter! Also..I sing du hast on rockband. It is awesome and I am awesome when I sing it. Of course I usually am a little tipsy when I sing but it is still fun and awesome
Michelle -
You sing Du Hast on Rockband?
Dying.
I am dying.
That is hilariously awesome.
Yes. Its hilarious and horrible bad because I have no talent what’s so ever. Other hilarious selections include: bon jovi, motley crue, pearl jam, pink and snoop dog. You have permission to laugh away!
Snoop Dog?
Hee hee!
I am all giggly.
Drop that laughter like its hot!
Thanks for making me laugh
Snort!
ohmygawdohmygawdohmygawd….
Spatulay: Name for the last sexual intercourse (or for the person with whom one performed that sexual intercourse) before re-aligning one’s sexual preferences.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
Thank you Kris from the bottom of my heart… crap evening just got ever so much better.
(shaking head) Spatulay snicker…
Bless you.
M
Mishelle -
I do so adore your over-the-top reactions.
Swoon!
Thank you, babe.
Kris
Hahahaha.. Love it. Especially that last one – when Kallan realized what she way saying!