This is the sort of day I am having . . .
I had to drive to Starbucks for coffee this morning, because the power was out at our house. Stupid electricity.
I need coffee in the morning.
Not want. Need.
So I have to drive.
I should not be allowed behind the wheel of a car without being properly caffeinated, but no one stops me.
So I climb into the car to go get some coffee.
As I pull out of the driveway, I take a moment to consider my appearance.
Hmmm.
I am wearing dirty jeans, a ripped T-shirt with no bra underneath, and one of Mark’s large fleece jackets. Gym shoes with no socks, graying hair raked messily back on my head and held in place by my sunglasses, teeth unbrushed (shut up), and no make-up.
Also? I smell of turtles and frogs and slime and moss and dirt and amphibian poop.
Don’t ask.
If I was not behind the wheel of this minivan, one might expect to find me on the side of a freeway entrance with a messily Sharpied sign begging for food and cash . . .
But because I am driving a minivan, I am just another suburban mom.
Yay! I will go to the Starbucks that has a drive-through and no one will really see me and I will be all kinds of normal!
Ahem.
About three blocks from my house, I realize I left my purse at home.
Fuck it. Starbucks is less than ten minutes from my house. What are the chances I am going to be pulled over and asked for my license and registration? Slim to none . . . I am an awesome driver.
About halfway to Starbucks, it occurs to me that the fact that I left my purse at home may hinder my ability to purchase coffee.
What with my purse being the place I keep my cash and credit cards.
Fuck it. There’s got to be enough spare change in this minivan to buy a cup of coffee.
I arrive at Starbucks only to find that it lies just at the edge of the power outage, and every person in my neighborhood also needs coffee this morning. The line for the drive-through stretches into the street. This will not do.
I will just drive to the other Starbucks across town! I am a genius!
It isn’t until I pull into the parking lot of this other Starbucks that I remember that this Starbucks does not have a drive-through.
Oh, this is not good.
I lean to check myself out in the rear-view mirror.
Oh, this is not good.
I need coffee.
Fuck it.
I pull into the parking lot and start digging for coins.
Oooooh . . . I find two Starbucks cards and 38 cents.
Yay!
OK, so I look and smell like a homeless person, but soon I will have coffee and all will be right with my world.
What?
The woman behind the counter takes my order (tall latte, because I am all rich with Starbucks cards) and my name (which she spells correctly on the cup that will soon hold my coffee . . . I love this woman) and tells me that my total is $3.25.
I hand her a Starbucks card.
Which turns out to have a balance of only $1.50.
The woman informs me I still owe her $1.75.
I do not care for her tone, which seems overly snarky to the occasion, but I hand her the second Starbucks card with a smile.
Turns out that card also has a balance of $1.50.
“Kris? Is there any chance you have a third card with which to pay the last 25 cents?”
Yes, definite snark.
I am regretting telling her my real name. It would be far less annoying to be called to account for this final quarter if this woman was addressing me as Minerva.
Tall latte for Minerva . . . Homeless Goddess of Wisdom!
I reach into my pocket and then count out two nickels, a dime, and five pennies.
Which the woman exaggeratedly slides individually from the counter into her palm, counting the coins aloud as she goes, “Five cents, ten, twenty, twenty one cents, twenty two . . .”
I make a mental note to start traveling with a piece of cardboard and a Sharpie marker in the car . . .
Homeless woman in need of a Starbucks latte. Please help. Veteran of nothing but life and possibly insane but not in a dangerous way just in an endearing way which makes you want to see how I might behave if I was on heroin but it would be totally inappropriate to ask you for money to buy heroin so please just help get me jacked up on a cup of Starbucks coffee. Yours sincerely, Minerva
I so wish I had that sign to lay on the counter right here as this woman counts out my pennies.
Of course, if I was the sort of woman to have thought ahead to prepare that sign, I would also be the sort of woman who remembered to attend to personal grooming and bring her purse, rendering the sign completely unnecessary.
Sigh.
There’s really nothing to do but stand quietly and wait for my coffee.
It was delicious, by the way.
High point of my day.
Yeah . . . that’s not good.
I hate those god damn cards. I think I have about 6 from various stores in my wallet – all carrying balances of less that $2.
YES!
And then they win, because no one wants to look like an idiot spending that last 83 cents.
Today I win!
Wait.
Never mind.
Sigh.
ROFL X 1000…
No bra? Check! Husband’s fleece to hide said bralessness? Check! Looking like hell to get a cawfee?? Check! Check! You mean it’s just not me??? THANK GAWD…
Wait!!! Was I the SECOND person to comment?? Really??? This is a FIRST for me!! I have read with jealousy all those who vie for the Top Five on Pretty All True – and think: “Hmmph. That will never be ME…I’m in a different timezone!” I’m not even going to TRY…
But no! Today (or rather almost tomorrow here in Toronto) is different! Swoon!!
I am all sorts of happy for myself.
Elissa -
My schedule is not as regular as it might be if I was a more organized and scheduled sort of person. Lots of people won’t even notice this post this evening, because I am later than usual. Not to take anything away from your “victory,” mind you.
Hee hee!
I am not the cutest of people even when I am at my best.
Snort!
I was sooooo a homeless woman today.
Sigh.
bahahahaha. When you were describing yourself I was briefly afraid that it was you who was behind me in the McDonalds line yesterday when I decided I had to pause in the middle of a laundry-sweating-nonshowering-dusting-eggdyeing marathon to have an apple pie and 20 or so nuggets. And then I realized you were talking about you, and not me. I wish I had a car – the drive thru at the McDs won’t serve me when I’m standing at the first window propping my head on the glass and weeping.
They so will not serve you if you walk through the drive-through at McDonald’s.
They really really won’t.
Even if you are weeping.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
But I know this.
They are such jerks. I saw a toolbag on ROLLERBLADES whip through the drive thru menu and come away with a shamrock shake, but even my awardwinning “Girl Out of Control on Imaginary Skates” routine won me NONE happy meals shortly afterwards. Inline skating double standards. *grumble*
Your award winning “Girl Out of Control on Imaginary Skates” routine?
I am dying.
I would so watch that vlog.
I don’t know why but you have never struck me as the purse carrying type of woman.
Did you have to bite your tongue to not put the Starbucks woman in her place?
Hee hee!
Guess what, though?
Without coffee?
I am a paler version of myself . . . all lackluster and not inclined to cause trouble.
Plus, my mind is all mushy without caffeine.
So I was docile.
Like an addict waiting for her fix.
What?
As for the purse?
I hate carrying a purse, but it is a necessary evil.
Sigh.
Whereas most women have their purses weighted down with unnecessary bullshit? I have the pockets of my coat weighted down with unnecessary bullshit.
I refuse to carry a purse.
I own multiple purses. But will not carry one.
The only time I carry a bag is when I have to visit *someone* in the hospital.
Sigh.
My purse is horrid to carry around, because it weighs about 300 pounds.
So much crap in there.
My crap.
My daughters’ crap.
Mark’s crap.
Plus some old dog biscuits.
Ahem.
Sometimes I want to remind the people behind the counter at starbucks that they do indeed sell coffee. So unless that said coffee comes wrapped in Tiffany diammonds then they need to check their uppity attitudes at the door!
Ps I pity the poor people that only have a few local starbucks to choose from. There probably 10 within a 5 mile radius of my house.
Pps I really hope you have a better day tomorrow!
Russell -
There are Starbucks all over the place here.
Three within 10 minutes of my house . . . just in different directions.
Also?
Would like to say again that seeing you back in my archives? Reading your lovely compliments? Highlight of my day that did not involve coffee.
Thank you for that, babe.
Really.
Thank you.
I totally did the same thing this morning with the Starbucks cards. It was because I had only a little bitty bit of money and a couple of Starbucks cards. I was desperate. I was up until almost midnight with a toddler who was way hopped up on sugar then I had to be up at 6am for work. :-/ Serious caffeine was in order.
Although it would be pretty awesome to be the Homeless Goddess of Wisdom. I’m a little jealous…
Yes! I was desperate and cold and caffeine-deprived and freezing and also itchy. It was an emergency.
It was bad, babe.
But the coffee was yummy.
…I have a gift card with 2 cents remaining. I can’t wait to see what the cashier says when I present it. With the rest in pennies. No, I’m not really that cruel. Although I will not throw away the 2 cent gift card. Because I’m weird.
Roxanne -
I hate gift cards . . . hate that they assume you will throw them away when they get to a certain embarrassingly low amount.
But I would not throw two pennies in the trash.
So why would I throw this gift card in the trash?
Exactly.
hahaha I can so relate to this. I have gone on some of these homeless runs myself and they always involve coffee or mexican food. In fact for mexican food for dinner I was debating going out like a bum but I decided to not eat today and shower instead.
Hilarious post though.
Tim -
Thank you!
Although I do think it is more acceptable for men to go out looking homeless than women.
That’s what I tell Mark, anyway, as I shove him out the door for Mexican food or coffee.
Ahem.
He was not home this morning.
Bother.
Teeth unbrushed is an issue for you? You are a more put-together mother than I…am
I have seen your photo, babe.
Shut up.
I hate Starbucks. Their coffee gives me a headache and it’s so overpriced. Because I just want coffee. With creme and fake sugar.
Sorry. I just get all grumpy thinking about it.
Yeah caffeine. Gotta have it.
Not sure where the amphibians come into it, but the rest of it? Yeah, I can relate. Who wears a bra before coffee?
Oh wait, was that TMI?
Yeah, coffee never probably kicked in today. Or it wore off.
Yeah.
Lizzie -
Generally, I drink coffee at home. Take a travel mug with me when I go out.
But this morning, that was not an option.
And because Mark ADORES Starbucks, there were Starbucks cards in the car.
And the amphibians?
They had to be moved out of their heated/lighted homes into a small Styrofoam cooler into which I place some of those hand-warming things. Keeps them at the right temperature until the power comes back and they can go back to their regular houses.
The transfer of cranky, muddy, mossy, panicky turtles and frogs?
Is messy.
And stinky.
And poopy.
Ahem.
Yeah. I got the lack of options. I’m glad you had the cards.
Turtles? I forget they need heat. My brother had snakes growing up that required heat. But I don’t remember needing heat for the turtles. I don’t think ours lived that long (those little ones) And the good thing about growing up in a suburb of SF? The electric never went out for long periods.
And styrofoam containers with handwarmers? Genius!
Lizzie -
Honestly, the turtle would have probably been fine with a little chilliness. The frogs, however, would not.
And because I have to make all of these special arrangements for the frogs?
No way Kallan’s pet is going to be left to shiver.
So the turtle gets special treatment as well, so that everything is fair.
Hee hee!
And this is the first extended period of power outage we’ve had here.
I am prepared because in Vallejo?
We lost the power all the fucking time.
It was really annoying.
I get the annoyance with the loss of power. Until recently? I lived in a small town in the middle of nowhere desert. With lots of wind.
Everytime the wind blew hard? The electricity would go out. No underground lines. So about once a week. Usually for less than an hour. But sometimes more.
I owned a lot of candles. And books.
Gas stoves are also useful as long as you have a match to light them. And? I own an old pyrex coffee percolator that works on the stove. Very well too.
Because I need coffee in the morning and the instant kind? Yuk!
Really.
We used to lose our power in Vallejo all the time.
All the time . . . sometimes for just an hour, but sometimes for much longer. It was such a pain in the ass. Every time the power goes out, I am swept right back to my childhood.
Where lacks were everywhere.
Power, water, heat, food . . .
Et cetera.
Hate that.
I understand the coffee need. I really do. Those starbucks cards are obnoxious. They need to have little windows that tell you how much you have left. At the moment I have post it notes with the amount stuck to each of my Starbucks cards. I applaud you for braving the world in such rough conditions. Most people wouldn’t do it, but you are brave. Oh, and the cardboard sign idea? Genious of course.
Kim -
Post-it notes are genius, and I have used them, but they always fall off.
I have made Sharpie notes on the cards themselves, but then the next time I use the card, I don’t have the Sharpie. And then next time, the amount listed is (of course) incorrect.
There should soooo be a way for the card itself to tell you how much is left without having to log on and check.
Bother.
Instant coffee is no good without electricity babe. Unless you have a gas stove?
I manage without a purse, so long as I have pockets. Phone, keys, wallet. Took a while to get used to carrying a wallet slim enough to go in my pocket but I finally did. Locker rooms for kitchen employs untrustworthy you see. card,
Did you ever see the episode of Kate & Allie where Jane Curtin’s character gets stuck on the other side of NYC, dressed like a hassled mom and without her purse?
I DO have a gas stove!
So ha!
I try to avoid carrying a purse when I can, but then I am all lumpy.
Keys in my front right.
iPhone in my back right.
Credit cards and cash in my back left.
And small bottle of hand sanitizer in my left front.
What?
And I was never a big fan of Kate and Allie . . . is the episode of which you speak on YouTube?
Thank goodness for gas stoves, get some Via for emergencies! My husband the professor says he sees students just dumping the packet in their mouth and chasing it with a swig of water. Ick
My daughter tells me stuff in my pockets makes me lumpy and ‘ruins the smooth line’. I point out I’m pretty lumpy anyway and her step dad thinks I’m hot even so, meaning I don’t need to be attracting anyone with trying to have smooth lines. She hmphs at this.
I managed to track down the name of the episode: Brother, CanYou Spare a Dime? Basically, she drives her car over to her daughter at school intending to take public transport home. But leaves purse in car or something. Leaving her to walk across the city in dirty sweatsuit and house slippers. No ID, no money for phone(!) hadn’t eaten so getting I’ll from hunger. Perceived as homeless, and crazy, threatened with arrest for begging and trespass. It was meant to raise awareness and
there was probably a number to call
and make donations.
Why am I still up? Jeez I’d better get to bed.
Hee hee! Yeah, I don’t care so much about being lump either.
Although Kallan sidled up to me the other day in Trader Joe’s to tell me that I was “the least stylish person in the store.”
Which tells me that we need to stop shopping in Lake Oswego, land of trophy wives, boob jobs, and bling.
Ahem.
I have to see if I can find that episode!
That sounds awesome.
I live in The OC. Your Trophy Wives ain’t got nothin’ on our Trophy Wives, I’m sure.
Soon after we moved here, my oldest was dating a guy who had gotten all sorts of boy scout boating badges, and who worked part time at a Yacht Club. Basically, he hung out downstairs in case someone needed a hand on their boat for the afternoon. She’d go hang out there with him. One day she came home and reported her observation that in Southern California, being a Trophy Wife was a viable Career option. I pointed out it probably helped to be taller and blonder than herself was, so, get good grades.
A few years later, when at community college myself, I shared that story, and a guy nearby joined our conversation to say who knew two girls at the college who were taking classes with that goal in mind. Getting Associates Degrees in English technically, but for any class that had an option that sounded like it would make them more interesting to a man 30 years old, or more easily able to move in his world, thats the class they took. So, golf, sailing, event planning, history of rock, human sexuality, business law, family law (to better understand pre-nups, my dear) etc. I don’t know how that worked out for them. I hope it went well. Any career goal is a good goal, if it keeps you in school. Even if the goal fails or changes, you’ve learned more than you would moping at home about not knowing what you want to do with your life.
a guy 30 years OLDER, not 30 years old
I found it!
I knew I had seen a comment from you slip by me unresponded.
Better late than never.
The trophy wives here are nothing like the trophy wives of Southern California.
But they are . . .
Awesomely young.
Incredibly good-looking.
Dressed as teenagers.
Displaying maximum boobage.
Displaying maximum caratage.
With a posture that suggests ass-stickage.
And looking at me as though I might be someone’s crazy great-aunt.
I have not actually made that many friends here in Lake Oswego.
So weird.
YAY!
Desperate for coffee, digging for coins, getting crumbs under my nails–caffeine is wicked. You wield a Sharpie like no other! And “Minerva” Oh, that is awesome.
Yeah. At the grocery today, maybe I hadn’t showered yet but I DID still have yesterday’s makeup on and was sporting some awesome cords and clogs. Only to be snubbed by the meat counter guy for the tall blonde in heels standing beside me. Duh. And? I was offered no samples- being the cord-and-clog lady. That other lady? “Would you like to try some ham off the bone? It’s on sale.” “How about some swiss cheese?” “Anything else I can DO for you?” Really.
Tomorrow? I will be all caffeinated, glowy, shiny and tall kicking ass! What?
Hope the jungle creatures are ok. Great post thanks for the laugh. Again.
Robin -
You were snubbed by the sample guy at the grocery store?
I am giggly and mocking.
Really?
Snort!
As for the jungle creatures?
They are crabby but fine. Thank you for asking!
My husband works at Starbucks.
If you really want instant coffee you should try the Starbucks VIA. It’s definitely the best instant coffee I’ve ever had.
Also? Last week at my husband’s store a crazy guy started masturbating in front of some teenage girls.
Minerva ain’t nothing compared to that.
I have had VIA!
It is actually quite yummy . . . you are correct.
And I would just like to go on record as saying that I have NEVER masturbated in Starbucks.
Ewwwww.
Okay but if you could think yourself to orgasm?
You might be tempted.
Sometimes those lines are pretty long.
Yeah, that would be different.
No one would know about that.
And any happy sounds that might escape my lips, I could just blame on the deliciousness of the coffee.
I love coffee.
Ahem.
OK, now the phrase “escape my lips” is making me giggle.
Ummm.
Never mind.
Is it wrong that all I can focus on is your bralessness? I can’t come downstairs in the morning without one. Not even for coffee. I have left this house in various states of disrepair but always in a bra. Even if it’s a horrendous sports type bra left over from my last and forth pregnancy. These gals need the support.
And Starbucks in never my first choice. I’m a pathetic stereotypical Canadian who prefers Tim Horton’s.
Much love and thanks for the Twitter party tonight!
Angela -
Really?
I generally wear a bra, but I sometimes don’t feel like it.
34C, in case you were wondering.
Tim Horton’s?
What’s that?
Yes, really. Keep in mind this was last night…the wine. I’m about a 36/38D depending on the bra. And have had four children. Pert is not part of my vernacular. TMI? Deal with it people.
Tim Horton’s is the crack of coffee for Canadians.
Angela-
See, now . . . it’s all about comfy.
38D might not be as comfy braless as 34C.
I have no way to know.
Is Tim Horton’s like Peets?
Peets’ coffee is like heroin.
Yum.