People! I have an interview up over at Sandi’s house!
Sandi’s blog is called Deva Coaching, and the name of my piece is Nothing to Undo.
Sandi asks awesome questions . . . . Go Check it Out!
Back here?
Mark’s home today, and we are up in the kitchen scavenging for lunch.
He opens a can of soup that looks like vomit, and he glances at me as he plops it horrifically into a pan, “Want to share this soup with me?”
“Ewwww. Not even.”
I am not actually that hungry, but maybe I will eat something just to keep Mark company. Maybe some cereal. I pour some granola into a coffee cup.
I open the refrigerator and reach for the gallon of milk, which is . . . empty.
Stupid children.
I shake the milk container in the air, “Why do they do this? Why do they put the empty container back in the refrigerator?”
Mark stirs his soup, “Because they are idiots.”
“That is just so sad, babe . . . we are parents to idiots.”
Mark stirs some more, “As long as we are not idiots, I’m all good. Let the girls stumble their idiot way through life. We’ll just watch and laugh.”
“Yes! We will laugh and mock! Stupid idiot children with no sense at all. Hey, do we have any more milk?”
“I think there’s another gallon in the downstairs refrigerator.”
I retrieve the milk. Back up in the kitchen, I set the gallon of milk on the counter. Unscrew the top. Peel off the silver sealant circle from the mouth of the jug.
You know . . . I do all the steps involved in opening the milk.
I slide the coffee cup over to where I am standing and I lift the milk to pour it into the cup.
I tip the milk to pour it.
And the milk somehow flows sideways and onto the counter, completely missing the coffee cup of granola.
Huh.
I stare for a moment at the small white puddle that I have poured onto the counter.
Maybe I wasn’t paying attention. Although I don’t generally have to pay a lot of attention to successfully pour milk. Weird.
I pour again, focusing carefully on lining up the open top of the milk and the coffee cup of granola.
And again, the milk somehow magically flows sideways and out onto the counter, as though it is taking a little leap just as it leaves the gallon container.
What the fuck?
Now there is a largish puddle of milk on the counter.
Maybe I need to sneak up on the milk. I need to pour quickly and without hesitation.
Pour.
The milk leaps.
Pour.
The milk leaps.
Pour.
Leaps.
What . . . the . . . fuck?
I stare in confusion at the large white puddle on the counter.
This is exactly the sort of thing that will one day lead to me being carted off to the old folk’s home, by the way . . .
Maj will come to visit me and I will just be standing in the kitchen as the milk flows from the counter down onto the floor. I will be pouring it out bit by bit, entranced by the miracle of milk leaping. I will try to explain about how the milk is magic or perhaps possessed by dairy demons, but Maj will make me get dressed (because in these visions I am always nude). I will leave little milk footprints as she guides me. She will lie to me about how we are going to the zoo (I do like the zoo), but instead she will drop me off at the old folk’s home (where there will be electroshock therapy and also possibly a tall Indian and a crabby nurse, because my visions of old folk’s homes look exactly like that movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest). Maj will speak to me of rules and behavior, and I will scream, “Rules? PISS ON YOUR FUCKING RULES!” because that is a quote from the movie and also totally appropriate to the occasion, and then Maj will call the nurse and then I will have a lobotomy and be well again, just like the inventor of the neutron bomb (which is actually a quote from Repo Man and wouldn’t it be awesome to be able to carry a weapon in a suitcase that no one knows is there until – BLAMMO . . . eyes melt, skin explodes, everybody dead?) That would be awesome. And then Maj brings me a chocolate chip cookie and a glass of milk (which she sassily points out she has managed to pour without incident), and it is a yummy cookie.
Wait . . . where was I?
“Hey, Mark? Check this out!”
“Why are you pouring milk on the counter?”
“Never mind that. Just watch!”
I pour milk again, and again the milk leaps sideways and onto the counter, “Isn’t that weird?”
I pour again so he can see how cool it is.
Mark looks into the top of the gallon jug, “Is there something blocking the hole?”
I am all delighted and I pour again, this time into my cup of granola by holding the cup way off to the side of the milk as I pour it, “No! It’s like magic! Watch!”
“Kris, put the milk down.”
“What? Oh, I guess I am making a pretty big mess,” I hand him the milk, “Here.”
He looks at it closely, “It’s frozen! That’s why it’s not pouring correctly.”
“Really? That’s not as awesome as magic.” I turn to get a spoon with which to eat my granola, and when I turn around?
Mark is stabbing into the top of the milk with a big knife.
“Babe, what the fuck are you doing?’
He looks up at me in surprise, “What do you think I am doing? I am breaking up the ice.”
“Why?”
He stabs a few more vicious times, and each time, milk sprays out of the top of the carton and all over the counter and floor.
He stops stabbing.
We stand together and look at the mess we have made.
Maybe a cup of milk that I have poured all over the counter.
Maybe another quarter cup of milk he has splashed all over the kitchen.
Huh.
I take a bite of my granola and speak between chews, “Remember that thing about the girls being idiots?”
Mark laughs as he puts away the milk and I start wiping up the mess.
I giggle, “Yeah, I’m thinking they come by their idiocy honestly.”
Hee hee!
I am all giggles!
Chunky Bean and Ham must be a close cousin to Split Pea and Ham!
Mark says it was delicious, but it looked atrocious and smelled worse.
Ack.
I love soup.
But I am not down with soup that is reminiscent of vomit.
Mark is fibbing.
He is trying to make you believe it was delicious.
On the inside? I bet he was gagging.
Heh.
Mark is not a man who eats things he does not care to eat.
He ate this soup with great gusto.
Eeek.
Have you read “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest?” Because if you have and can still tolerate that movie I don’t think I can read you anymore. And if you haven’t, and you truly love the movie, never EVER read the book. I’m not normally so strict about such things, but if you read the book first that movie is an absolute abomination. And this coming from someone who enjoys Jack Nicholson a great deal.
/rant
Kacey -
Guess what? I have never read that book.
And now, thanks to you?
I never will.
I LOVED that movie.
I. Love. This. The Wife and I have these same conversations about the minions. I totally love them to death though. Thank you for the laughs!
Also stabbing frozen milk and duct tape (from an earlier post) make up for the fact that your husband is not sportsy. He sounds awesome!
Russell -
We are a whole family of idiots . . . who knew?
Ahem.
And Mark is awesome.
Seriously fabulously awesome.
You know? I have never seen the movie One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. Apparently I’m missing out. The name “Chunky Bean and Ham” is enough to make me vomit a little.
Thanks for the laugh!
You are very welcome!
I love that movie.
But skip the soup.
Duh.
Speaking of random dorky things that husbands do? Last night, my husband wanted to see how hard those Atomic Fireballs are so he hit one with a can of soup. He found out they’re pretty damn hard when the bottom of the soup can split open and soup spilled everywhere. I was thrilled. Really.
REALLY?
That is so awesome I can’t even stand it!
REALLY?
Yep. Really.
I just looked at him and said, “Why did you do that?” He said, “Well I wanted to see how hard they are. They’re obviously pretty hard.” Uh, duh. Goober.
Oh, I think I love your husband.
That is just amazing.
Oh my god… chunky bean and ham? It even sounds like vomit.
Pouring a full gallon of milk into the small opening of a mug is not easy even without dairy demons. Unless I am just a delicate flower who can’t lift a gallon of milk one handed and pour accurately … that’s a distinct possibility.
Erin -
I am normally all kinds of gifted at accurate milk pouring.
Don’t let Maj tell you otherwise.
She just wants to get me locked up so she can get her hands on my vast wealth.
Joke’s on her.
Wait.
There are so many things about that story we can relate to, particulary the brief daydream into a future that looks like One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest. This post just made our Friday.
Yay!
So happy to have made your Friday!
Love that.
Me
ROFL I love this. So makes my day 1000x better. That and the cookie my husband brought me.
Mmmm.
I’ll miss you tomorrow!
Amy -
You have a cookie?
Hmmph.
I will miss you tomorrow as well.
Saturdays off is good for me, though.
Thanks, you!
Ack! That’s right! Tomorrow is Saturday & you’re not posting! I’m all bummed now…I was anxious to see what you’d post on my birthday. Dammit. How could you have a life outside of me Kris?? Taking care of your own needs. ::pout::
Tomorrow is your birthday?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Much birthday love to you, babe.
Will there be cake?
Dammit. I didn’t think about cake. Once I passed 30, birthdays are kind of a blur now. I must rectify the cake situation. Immediately.
And thank you!
At least a cupcake.
Birthday require baked goods and a candle.
They so do.
Make a good wish!
This is awesome. Truly.
I knew as soon as you guys started discussing the fact that you were not idiots that something would happen.
Every time I say something like this the universe feels the need to correct my understanding. Ahem. I have many examples of this. *sigh*
At least you had more milk…even if it wasn’t magic.
Yes, the universe does like to kick us in the ass when we get all sassy about how we are not idiots.
Sigh.
We are sooooo idiots.
Hmmmph.
Thank you, universe.
I got it.
OMG ROFL.
I love the magic milk spout. And that you have to keep pouring. I my have just moved the mug to catch it.
And? I worked in a convelescent home for about a month when I was 15. They are a lot like One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest. Ok maybe not. But it sure smelled like cuckoo’s nest looked.
Just saying.
Lizzie -
I did eventually move the mug to catch the milk. I am not an idiot.
What?
And the smell of convalescent homes is not good.
Stale dreams, stale milk, and stale air.
Sigh.
I just remembered the dirty diapers smell. I was working in the laundry room. But hey, I was only 15 and it beat babysitting. At least until they found out my age.
There may have been a lie involved.
And though I know you are not an idiot, I can see you pouring the milk just to enjoy the weirdness of the way it is flowing. And how Mark kind of ruined it by pointing out it was frozen.
The magic is gone.
You are all cool that way to enjoy the weird things that happen then make us laugh describing them.
Lizzie -
Exactly!
I knew there was no magic, but I enjoyed that moment of suspended belief in which there might have been magic.
I love those moments of maybe-magic.
Very much.
Thank you!
This post? Just one of the many reasons I love you and have you in today’s spotlight!
xoS
Sandi -
I love you! I had such a good time over at your place today. Such a good time.
Thank you, babe.
Thank you.
Repo Man is one of my favorite all time movies and my #1 fav soundtrack!! I knew there was something about you I liked! ;)
Really, Heather?
I don’t meet too many women who are all enamored of Repo Man!
Hello, kindred spirit!
How are things going?
I have learned the minute I brag about anything the universe comes and wacks me for it. It’s like waving a big red flag in the universe’s face and it so doesn’t like that. I have sworn from time to time that Loki (Norse god) is in charge of my life and he likes to play jokes.
Just sayin’ I would have done the milk thing a few times too… just to watch it before I thought to look for why it was doing it. No, not sucking up just admitting it. I would have been fascinated and wondering if someone saran wrapped the cover to play with my head…
Yes, I am just that paranoid.
M
Mishelle -
Yes, the universe hates it when Mark and I get too cocky about our fabulousness. Sigh. Sassy universe.
As for the milk?
I was all entranced and not that inclined to figure out the explanation (which I knew would be boring).
It was really pretty awesome to see the milk leap about magically.
Yay!
I don’t put empty containers of milk back in the fridge. But occasionally I do put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge!
Ben -
I have done that!
Although I was pregnant at the time. Pregnancy makes your mind all mushy. It so does.
I trust you are not pregnant.
Silly you.
Kris
Oh…My…God!
“possessed by dairy demons”
Much spewage over here.
Snickery snort!!
*off to wipe Dr. Pepper offa da screen*
Hee hee!
Dairy demons would explain a lot around here.
Moldy cheese, runny sour cream, leaping milk.
Hmmm.