I don’t want to talk about it.
I am back.
I don’t want to talk about it.
Weird, though . . . having this time in which I was unable to access Pretty All True made me think about all that I have been missing. I spend a lot of time here on my computer. Being forced to step away made me realize how much I have been neglecting other areas of my life.
So my time away from you was not wasted.
A bit of space and quiet in which to gain some perspective.
Perspective is good.
Which brings me to a question I would like to pose to all of you.
Because I really want to know . . .
Why have none of you told me about the TV show Strange Sex?
I am annoyed with you.
Marathon, people. Strange Sex marathon.
Balloon fetishes? Birth orgasms? Weird painful sexual dysfunctions and sad-eyed spouses who promise to honor their wedding vows even though they will never be having sex again? Sexual anorexia? Porn addictions? A 74 year old cougar and the boyish gazelles she devours? A rock star who has fucked thousands of women but who is now going to be true to his new and incredibly gullible girlfriend?
YAY!
My favorite, though?
Absolute favorite.
There is this couple, and they are all kinds of regular and they are so fucking into each other. It’s adorable, really.
Also a little bit creepy, because they are just so not a couple who should be on my TV screen talking about the hot sex they are having. Not because I have any illusions that everybody who has sex is tan and fit and perfect. That’s not it. It’s just that I am cringing inside at the thought of this couple going back to their normal lives after this 15 minutes of “fame.”
ACK. I am all nervous for them.
Stop looking all glowy and lust-filled! Stop talking about doing that to her! Stop open-mouth kissing! You are on TV! People can see you!
They do not listen to me.
Also? No way someone from the show couldn’t have advised this woman about her fashion choices. She is all oddly and uncomfily squeezed!
Also? The woman appears to be wearing a wig.
A platinum-blond and cheap-looking wig.
Why?
Is this a disguise?
Oh, babe . . . Is that a disguise?
ACK!
I keep watching.
Duh.
Before my horrified and titillated eyes, the couple tells a story.
A story of having sex and then being surprised by some extra dampness just at the point of her orgasm. Not just a little extra dampness . . . the husband describes the arrival of the dampness as being like “a running faucet.” The woman describes her fear that she had urinated during sex.
They turn to the camera and smile happily . . . turns out it wasn’t urine at all! It was female ejaculate!
OK, a few things here.
First? She so peed.
Second? No way any man I have ever known would notice and stop to comment upon extra dampness during intercourse. Maybe later, he would be all, “What the fuck with the wet sheets, babe?” But in the moment? As he is trying to get to his moment?
No way.
This man notices a “running faucet?”
He was down there with his mouth to the spigot.
I know!
She totally peed in his face.
She totally did.
And that’s all good.
Seriously . . . I get to that place and I lose myself in the moment and release a little extra happy fluid?
I am riding that wave and I better not hear any complaints about the surfing required.
But I am not going on TV to brag about it!
This couple is all proud of themselves!
A scientist appears to explain that although the liquid originates from the bladder and comes out of the urethra, the fluid is not urine.
It is female ejaculate.
Mmm hmmmm.
And then there is a graphic that tells me that among women who are able to achieve female ejaculation? The amount released can range from a teaspoon or so to two cups.
TWO CUPS?
That’s pee.
No shame in a little urine.
But own it!
If you get to orgasm and release two cups of liquid from your urethra in “running faucet” fashion?
You have so peed.
Own it!
Love it!
Glory in it!
Do like this pee-wetted couple did . . .
Buy some rubber sheets and go to town.
Make a note.
I am back, people!
I am so happy.
I am so happy I may have just ejaculated a little bit.
Snort!
WOW…just reading this post was Too much information…i don’t even want to watch that show. HBO has that shit on all the time and honestly, if i’m watching people go at it? I sure as hell want them to be better looking than me.
I mean, what the fuck? I don’t talk about stuff like this on my blog cuz my kids are in college and they can read this shit.
Lynn?
Does this mean you are never going to blog about that one time back in the day when we . . .
You know.
That one time.
Me
Both my partner & ejaculate when we cum. Not all the time, but when it’s really fucking hot, yes. And it does not taste or smell like pee. Not even a bit. It’s the weirdest sensation ever. Kind of like you a peeing because it’s the same drippy feeling, but not coming from your pee hole. And feels differently. It’s very different. Trust me. It’s awesome. Strange and alarming the first time it happens, but awesome after you figure it out.
I have not heard about this show either. Must investigate.
Lindsay -
It may be hot as can fucking be, but as the expert here on Pretty all True?
I have to inform you that you are both peeing.
And female ejaculate does come from the “pee hole,” as you call it. Because it is pee. Duh.
It feels awesome, I am certain.
And my research suggests that it does not taste like pee because in that moment of tension and then release? This urine is released before it is mixed with normal amounts of uric acid. Pre-pee.
Pre-pee?
Is still pee.
Way fucking hot, perhaps.
But pee.
I am an expert, what with Google at my fingertips and all.
Sorry, I mis-typed in my rush to respond to your new post while I should be working. I meant the fluid is not coming from your bladder so it feels different that when you are peeing out your pee hole (and yes I’m going to stick to the layman’s terms on that–5 years of teaching human sexuality leads me to believe that most people understand that better). The ejaculate comes from your glands so it feels different. I was over-simplifying for those who have not experienced it. If you have experienced it, you know it is not coming from your bladder through your pee hole but from your glands through the same tube where urine passes. But anywhoodles, call it what you will. If and when you ever experience it, you might call it something else. Anyway, we’ll be not-peeing all over each other over here!
As my research suggests that the fluid is indeed coming from the bladder?
I am going to be quiet now.
Me, all hushed up and without extra mystery glands that can store two cups of fluid while they wait for me to orgasm.
Yes, this is me all hushed.
Speechless. Truly speechless! Wonderful, wonderful post. As always.
In other news, life for me that last 3 months has been very much out of the ordinary. I have hated being too busy to read PrettyAllTrue, so busy that I’ve hardly been on Facebook, and that is saying A LOT. I have missed you terribly and cannot wait to get caught up from where I left off.
Melinda -
I cannot wait to hear about this out-of-the-ordinariness!
I have missed you as well.
Yay that you came back on the same day that I have returned (although my break was shorter).
This internet stuff is pissing me off.
A metaphor, that.
No actual urine involved in the pissing.
Not like in the show I mentioned.
Where there was pissing.
Ahem.
weird. my husband was watching the episode about the 74 year old cougar last night, and i was all “what the hell are you watching?” from the other room. lol.
so glad you’re back!!! :) tell mark he is not allowed to go away when blogging issues may arise ever again!
Sarah -
The blogging issues continue. I recently switched to a new system that sped my blog up, and I was all happy! Yay!
And then it crashed horrifically. Boo. While Mark was out of town. Boo.
So I have switched back to the old slow platform. Boo for slowness but yay for getting it up.
If we were having sex, I would be all happy.
What with the slow and the up.
Much better than the fast and the down.
But we are not having sex, we are blogging.
And so I am screwed.
Wait . . . what?
ROFLMAO to that answer.
No pee involved thank goodness
Snort!
Love you.
Female ejaculate is very true. Messy, but true. Definitely not pee. I know because. Well. You know.
Umm . . .
We will have to agree to disagree.
No judgment, because an orgasm so intense that it washes you away like that?
That’s awesome.
Ahem.
Ha! I’ve watched all those episodes before. There was another one that I saw where these people were able to “think” their way to an orgasm, with no touching required. That could come in handy in a boring situation.
Genalynn -
I saw that episode! Seriously, I was here by myself and I watched a whole Strange Sex marathon. Why did you not tell me about this show before now?
And the ability to “Think Off?”
I want.
Ok. So, I read ALL the time. Like anally check your site for hilarious posts and read them to anyone who is around me. I have never before felt compelled to comment, I suppose I am the stalker reader haha. But this one, oh this one. IT reminds me of this amazing show that I will tell you about so that you don’t get all pissed and be like “oh why did no one tell me about that show.” It’s called Satisfaction. Sex fetishes and amazingness this show. Ok so main point here. The first time my husband and I had sex, I SWEAR he peed in me. Seriously. Peed. But reading this…I am wondering if it was me!!! Years…6 to be exact…of me swearing up and down that he peed in me. No one tell him ok…haha. It’s a secret now.
Lisa -
First . . . Is this the show you mean?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Satisfaction_%28TV_series%29
If so, I am loving Australia more and more.
Second?
I am all snorty giggles over here.
It will be our little secret.
You so peed on him.
Snort!
Yes. That is the amazing show. Its on netflix. Instant watch even. Yay. And yes *sigh. I do believe I peed on him. And here I have been this whole time thinking he should have been embarrased. Apologetic even. O yes…this will be my wet little secret haha!
Lisa -
There is a joy in holding something over your husband’s head for all this time.
That the thing you are holding over his head is urine?
That makes me giggle.
Had a little panic stricken moment when I couldnt find you! So glad you are back. So so soooo glad, have been checking every hour or so x
74 year old and sex should not be in the same paragragh and thats all I have to say about that.
Nichola -
That 74 year old was a RIOT!
I will be 74 years old someday, and when I get there? I hope I am as excited about tracking down sexual opportunities as this woman was.
The best part?
They had her middle-aged son on the show, all concerned and reasonable about his mom’s sluttiness.
She was a riot.
I too took a break this weekend.
I did it intentionally though, so there’s that.
I am right there with you on this female ejaculat consistency.
Pre pee is still pee.
But to each their own.If you need to be in denial about it? Go ahead.
My ex husband had an old girlfriend (that he ended up sheating on me with) who told him that he made her have an orgasm just by playing with her nipples.
what EVER
that is all
CHEATING
not sheating
but of course you won’t fix it.
SIGH
that is all
AmyLynn -
I almost cannot type, I am giggling so hard.
I can just hear the tone of your voice as you say . . . what EVER
I am dying.
Plus also?
Your ex-husband and his slutty ex and then not ex-fuckmate?
Should be taken out into the alley, stripped naked, and pissed on.
In a not sexy way.
That is all.
I agree, but they would probably enjoy it.
Last I heard (before I shot the messenger) was that he made her wear a collar and beat her with a riding crop.
SO GROSS
Who was this messenger?
I hope you tortured this person before the shooting.
Geez.
well you are welcome, for my giggle inducing comments. No charge for YOU
Which is good, as free giggles are all I can afford.
I am ever so hopeful that the giggling continues!
There may be ejaculation.
Ahem.
Every time that show comes on my kids are up… sometimes living on the east coast sucks!! I did watch the balloon one, which just left me confused. Seriously confused.
One question tho – sexual anorexia?
I think I’m off to google it, something tells me I should do it before the kids come home.
At least you enjoyed your time away! Or watched some prime strange tv!!
M
Mishelle -
My understanding of sexual anorexia is that the person suffering feels an obsessive need to deprive him or herself from having sex.
The person finds a misguided satisfaction in the deprivation.
Big fun for the spouse, from what I could tell.
Big fun.
Not.
Fun from deprivation…
Sure.
Sounds like a blast.
Snort.
M
Mishelle -
I know! It would be one thing if the guy (and it was a guy on the show) was depriving himself in order to just DELAY satisfaction.
Build up the tension and then have amazing hungry sex.
But no . . . he only found joy in not having sex.
So happy I am not married to him.
So happy.
I am so glad you are back. I almost tweeted you on it, but I know how the intertubes stuff upsets you so I didn’t. And you were missed.
I have seen a couple of these shows. A&E had one for a while & so did BBCA. Much more classy with the British accent & all. I remember one about latex. Strange stuff.
I have heard of this female ejaculate stuff from my husband. I have to agree. It looks like pee to me. Also? Who wants to clean it up?
Though there may be slight leakage from time to time, I think I will forego the experience of female ejaculation.
Also, since the brain is the primary sex organ, I have been known to get a little um jumpy when reading or watching things. Yeah jumpy is a good word.
Smirk.
;)
Lizzie -
Honestly? I am likely to stay off of Twitter today, just because I will be driven INSANE by everyone’s questions and sympathy. Completely fucking INSANE. Sigh.
I am having blog issues. I know that.
Fuck.
Love you, jumpy one.
I prefer the word “leapy.”
Or “pouncy”
Ahem.
Pouncy sounds like you have to have a second person there. When I am reading? It is usually just me.
But leapy may work. Yeah, I will try that. I like trying new things.
At least as long as they aren’t too messy.
You should have Mark deal with the twitter today. He may like all the sympathy and stuff. I’d say have Kallan deal with it, but based on the comments today? It may not be age appropriate lol!
Lizzie -
Yes, well . . . if I am by myself and reading or watching?
I tend to get edgy.
And then leapy.
From that edge.
Ahem.
Clever stunt with the “scheduled maintenance” take-down of PrettyAllTrue. It was just a test to see if we could do without you for a while, right? Didn’t work. We fretted.
Meanwhile, the answer is so glaringly obvious about why no one told you about that show. This weekend on “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me,” one of the strange but true factoids is that a growing number of people are showing up @ their shrink describing conditions that obviously mimic what they’re seeing on reality TV. Knowing that you already watch too much of that dreck (I’m sorry, was that a value judgment seeping in there?), we feared you’d suddenly start aping these oversexed human-like creatures from that show. You should thank us instead of criticizing us.
David -
Did you just call my TV viewing favorites “dreck?”
I now feel compelled to share with you my thoughts on Peggy, Real Housewife of Orange County.
Peggy is a freak. She is botoxed and blond and fake-boobed and tan. She is hyper-competitive and into holistic medicine and way too attached to her husband’s money. Also, she suffers from post–partum depression, which recently manifested itself onscreen when one of her small daughters cut herself on a serving tray of some sort. A small injury that merited a kiss and a band-aid, but Peggy freaked all the fuck out and demanded that her husband take the little girl to the ER. Where the doctor put a band-aid on the cut and the husband gave kisses. All better. Also? Peggy is all into guns and weaponry. ACK! And? Her husband’s name is Micah. What sort of name is Micah?
You’re welcome.
Think nothing of it. And thanks for bringing me up to speed about Peggy. I had been feeling a strange void in my life.
Perhaps I’d be tempted, but the 0 for 3 Red Sox (so much for our hopes of winning 102 games this season) are back on TV, so my evenings are spoken for between now and the end of the World Series. Now that’s drama for you!
Has baseball season started again?
Huh.
We’re not talking about it.
But when I started taking time off from the blog, I realized that there was this whole other world out there that I’d forgotten about.
Like my family.
And the outside.
And writing that wasn’t for the blog.
And cocaine.
And human sacrifice.
And donuts.
What were we talking about again?
Nigel -
It is so lovely to hear that you are all well-adjusted and sane.
What with the cocaine and the donuts and the dead bodies, and all.
But what about the fact that I miss your words?
The absence of your words is pissing me off.
And not in an ejaculatory way.
What say you to that?
Also? You are not even spending your time enjoying the “outside.”
Not even.
We are not talking about me here. We are talking about you. Rather, I am talking about you, and you are picking on me. When obviously, you are the one that is in need of picking.
And when I say “outside,” what I mean is “inside a building of some sort but away from the computer.”
And when I say “away from the computer,” what I mean is “not writing anything for the blog but still enjoying porn and stories about female ejaculation. Which is just pee.”
Get your facts straight.
Nigel -
You are talking about me? Oh, I love when you talk about me. Swoon!
Even when there is picking, I do so love when you talk about me.
And my facts are always straight, sir.
Another fact?
You are adorable when you are inside and away from the computer here with me.
Swoon!
Ha! I tweeted your return before reading the post. Some of my newer readers, friends of my daughter, may be surprised.
Ahem.
I needed something that could stand on its own, in case I was unable to get the blog to accept comments or replies.
Inappropriateness stands on its own.
Ejaculated urine does not need commentary.
Except perhaps, “Oh my.”
Snort!
Yeah – I so do not want to watch that….
You know that deep down you really want to watch that.
Click the link.
You want to see her wig.
You so do.