Maj has been a pain all morning. She seems determined to drive Kallan insane.
Kallan is outraged, “Mom, do something about her!”
“What’s she doing now?”
“She’s singing a song.”
“You sing all the time and you never stop when someone asks you to stop. Deal with it.”
Kallan stomps her foot, “She’s singing a song about farting.”
“Yeah, well . . . you sing songs about poo all the time. Deal with it.”
Kallan sighs in exasperation, “No. Mom, listen!” She takes a step back from me and does a little dance as she sings . . .
“It stinks in here. It stinks like a fart. Somebody next to me let one rip. It stinks in here. It stinks like a fart. Somebody next to meeeeeeee smells a lot.”
I don’t answer immediately because I am giggling, and Kallan waves her jazzy hands in frustration, “Do the math, Mom! I am the one standing next to her! She’s singing about me!”
“Yeah, babe. I get it. Is Maj actually dancing and doing the jazz hands?”
Kallan is puzzled, “What? No . . . I added that for drama.”
“OK, so where is Maj now?”
“Upstairs in the bathroom singing about how I stunk up the place.”
“Did you stink up the place?”
“It’s a bathroom, Mom. That’s where I leave my stink. It’s rude of her to sing about it.”
“Alright, I’m coming.”
I can hear Maj singing at top volume from the bathroom as I stand at the bottom of the stairs.
“She’s my fart sister! My smaller fart sister! She’s not here anymore but she lingers. She’s my fart sister! My smaller fart sister! She lingers . . . . and she lingers like poo.”
I yell up the stairs, “OK, Maj? That’s enough. Stop singing.”
Maj swings open the bathroom door and pretends to gasp for breath, “Mother, you are lucky I am able to breathe well enough to sing. Kallan poisoned this room.”
Kallan wails in the background.
“Seriously, Maj. That’s enough.”
“I don’t think it is. I don’t think you grasp the severity of this stinkified situation, Mother.” Maj looks over my shoulder and calls to her sister, “Hello, small woman of stink!”
I stare up at Maj, “Hey, Maj? Listen closely.”
“You’ve been rude all morning. Either apologize to your sister and stop teasing her, or I will introduce you to . . . the large woman of stink.”
Maj eyes me suspiciously, “What does that even mean, Mother?”
Kallan is hopeful, “I think Mom means she will come up there and fart on you if you don’t behave.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, small woman of stink. Mother is not going to fart on me.”
They both stare at me.
I start up the stairs, “Apologize before I get to the top of the stairs or pay the consequences, babe.”
Maj stands stubbornly, “Kallan is disgusting and she stinks and I am allowed to speak the truth in song. I will not apologize.”
“Two more steps to go . . . you sure about that?”
Defiance sparkles in her eyes, “No way you are going to fart on me. No way.”
I follow her into the bathroom, and she squeals in protest, “Mother! You are insane! Mothers do not fart on their children! AIEIEIEIEIEIEIEE! YOU ARE INSANE!”
I drove the girls to school this morning.
As we wait in the drop-off line, Maj turns to her sister and says, “I’m telling everyone how you stunk up the bathroom this morning.”
Kallan pulls on her backpack and answers sassily, “Then I am telling everyone Mom farted on you.”
Maj pauses, “Hmmmm. A truce, then?”
Kallan agrees, “Truce.”
Maj sits back in her seat, “Mother? I still cannot even believe you did that. I am telling Daddy on you.”
“Tell away, babe. He will not even care. Daddy is all blinded by love. Especially today . . . It’s our anniversary, you know.”
“Someone needs to tell that man he is married to a crazy woman.”
“It’s been 21 years, Maj. Daddy is aware.”
“I’m not sure he is. I am telling on you for this farting thing.”
“Tell away, Maj. Daddy loves me, farts and all.”
Maj looks back at me as she climbs from the car, “Then you are both crazy. That’s just great . . . you are supposed to be my role models. Role models of doom, that’s what you are.”
I wave cheerfully, “Bye, Maj! Have a great doomed day!”
Kallan leans forward to kiss me before she climbs out of the car, “Happy anniversary, Mom. Thanks for farting on Maj.”
“Anytime, babe. Have an awesome day.”
The car is so very quiet after they leave.
I drive home with just my thoughts.