Maj got her lower braces put on this morning before school.
Her jaw is achey and sore, so I promised to take her to the grocery store to buy some softish food that she can eat for the next few days. Here’s the plan . . . soup, yogurt, jello, and ice cream. A few treats to supplement her mushy diet of noodles and rice and hot cereal over the weekend.
Here’s what we have in our cart so far:
Four twelve-packs of Coke
One large bag of Cheetos
One large bag of Cheetos Buttered Puffcorn
Chocolate Pop-Tarts
Easter egg dye
String cheese
One box of lemon-poppyseed muffin mix
One package of sausage
And ten boxes of Zatarain’s Black Beans and Rice
We love that Zatarain stuff, apparently.
Mark and Kallan are running amuck.
I pluck the Cheetos Puffcorn from the cart and hold it up in the air, “Really? I thought you guys were here to help buy some stuff for Maj. She can’t eat any of this stuff.”
Mark and Kallan stand together happily, and Mark speaks for the two of them, “What? We need stuff.”
Kallan agrees, “It can’t always be about Maj. Other people need treats too.”
Maj pokes me in the side and speaks awkwardly around her discomfort, “Did she just say it can’t always be about me? IS SHE KIDDING ME? I AM IN PAIN! This grocery store trip is supposed to be about me! I can’t chew! I need stuff! You promised I could get a few treats!”
Kallan snorts, “Fine, Maj. You work Mom and I will work Dad.”
Maj looks at me incredulously as Kallan and Mark wheel the cart away from us, “Did you hear what she just said?”
Kallan waves back at us, “Look away, Mom! I will just be working the Treat Daddy . . . you two do what you need to do, and I will be working the Treat Daddy.”
Sigh.
Maj and I spend some time considering the soup aisle, make our selections, and then hurry to catch up with Mark and Kallan. I spot them in the last aisle, but before I can catch them, our path is blocked by a large friendly man who steps out from behind the meat display.
“Might I interest you lovely ladies in a sausage sample?”
Snort! “No, thank you.”
He’s still in our way, walking backwards in front of us as we move along, “Totally 100% free samples! The best sausage you have ever tasted. You’ll love it!”
Really, guy? “No.”
He turns his attention to Maj, “What about the little lady? It’s precooked, young lady. Your mom could serve it to you for dinner tonight with a minimum of effort!”
Maj glances up at me, and I say again, “No, thanks.”
“Just let me hop behind the counter and grab you some samples. You’ll love it! I promise.”
“No. Really. We’re all set.”
From down the aisle, I hear Mark’s voice, “Wait! Samples? What kind of samples?”
Sigh.
Maj and I walk around the aisle while Mark and Kallan belly on up to the meat display and start talking sausage.
Maj asks, “You think they’re going to buy sausage?”
“Duh. Daddy is a sucker for a sample. Of course he’s going to buy the sausage.”
“But he already bought sausage.”
“Doesn’t matter. That nice man will convince Daddy that he needs more.”
Maj thinks for a minute, and then she laughs, “Good thing there aren’t ladies here offering free samples.”
“What?”
She giggles, “Step right up and get your free sample of marriage! No obligation to buy and completely 100% free! You’ll love it! Come get a taste!”
I turn to stare at Maj, considering whether she means to make the joke she seems to be making. Yup . . . she so does.
I speak casually, “That’s why Daddy is no longer allowed to travel with toothpicks. Who knows what samples he would end up poking?”
She stares at me.
And then we both giggle crazily.
“Stop making me laugh, Mother! My jaw hurts!”
We round the corner and see the butcher handing Mark a large white wrapped package.
Sausage.
Duh.
Kallan runs up to me excitedly, “That man is like the best salesman ever! You kept saying no, but he just kept on coming! Even though you said you didn’t want it, he waited until he found the weak link and then moved in for the kill! Daddy so bought some sausage! That man was awesome!”
Mark is defensive, “What? It’s good sausage!”
We start walking toward the check-out aisles, but first we stop off in the frozen aisle . . . Maj has decided she would rather have popsicles than ice cream.
I let her pick a package of popsicles, and when I turn around?
Kallan has talked Mark into two gallons of ice cream.
Kallan snuggles into his side as we walk to the checkout, “Thank you, Treat Daddy!”
Snort!
Maj is again incredulous, “Doesn’t Daddy see what she is doing? She wasn’t supposed to get anything extra. This grocery trip was supposed to be about me!”
“I should have known better than to bring a hungry Daddy to the grocery store. He’s all weak.”
“Geez. Hungry Daddy is an idiot. Keep him out of the naked dancing places, Mother. Aren’t those the free sample kind of places?”
Really?
I put my arm around Maj’s shoulder, “I’ll make a note, babe.”
1st!!
Silly you.
Yay! I love you Kris!! You are my idol
Ooooh!
Does this position come with prizes?
Or perhaps a crown?
YAY!
Um maybe but you have to convince me that you are worthy of my voting.
Wait just a second.
I thought this title was already mine!
Who else is in the running?
No one. I didnt want to come off as easy but I am the title is yours! I refresh your page 100+ times a day and read your tweets. So yeah I am addicted to you! What happened to the featured bloggers? Also Saturday? Good work! It makes me want you more. You have replace sex, which makes me sad and glad at the same time.
Oh, I like an addicted reader!
You are the VERY first person to ask me about the Featured Bloggers. I think that’s weird that it took this long for someone to ask.
I just got tired of it.
Long story short . . . it wasn’t working for me and I got tired of it.
Thinking about doing something else, but haven’t decided yet.
I kind of like my blog when it’s all about me.
Ahem.
I read the story from allie, your nemesis, she is funny but I grow tired of waiting between posts.
Yeah, I don’t know what the fuck is up with her lately.
Her posts get like a zillion comments, but I have stopped caring about her or watching for her.
I like to feel that connection with the writer, and I don’t feel it with her anymore.
Maybe she’s working on some bigger project.
I hope so, for her sake.
she just posted a new blog about her simple dog, it was funny. But not as funny as axillary dog. That post has to be my favorite post from you. Ever
Did she?
Let me go check.
Be right back.
Ok, ummm . . . there were some funny bits.
She keeps going on too long . . . her stories are dragging.
And if I have to wait weeks between posts?
I want to be fucking BLOWN AWAY.
And so she disappoints.
Shhhhh.
Don’t tell her I said so.
I still love her Fish Story. That one is perfection.
Yes! Her fish story was one that I laughed at sooo much. It was hilarious. I did not go read her whole blog but I read her best of and the one with the “alot” was great. From now on I post a lot.
Oh, wait!
Did you read any of David Thorne’s blog?
His is worth reading in its entirety.
That’s here:
http://www.27bslash6.com/
I noticed the absence of Featured Bloggers but didn’t want to ask. Since I was one of the last ones, I figured I killed it.
Naturally.
Bwahahaha!
Yes, Julie . . . after you, there was nowhere to go.
Hee hee!
You ruined it for everyone.
I also noticed there weren’t any featured bloggers… But the way I see it it’s your blog! Who am I to have expectations as to when you should do what?
Excited to see what you may or may not have up your sleeve.
Yes, well . . .
We’ll see.
BAHAHAHAHA!
Treat Daddy.
The puffcorn, by the way, is pretty tasty.
Doesn’t Mark know that you’re not supposed to go to the store hungry? You end up buying way more than you intended when you go hungry.
Trust me. I know.
Heh.
Stasha -
Mark is always an impulse shopper, and I soooo know better than to let him in the grocery store hungry.
Silly me.
At least Kallan didn’t call him “Sugar Daddy”.
Can you imagine the embarrassment and horror with that one?
Hee hee!
I don’t believe she knows that phrase.
Ack.
Yes, that would be awkward.
Hilarious and awkward . . . Mark would turn BEET red.
Snort!
Dang it! I knew I should have read the comments.
Hee hee!
Beat ya to it!
Neener! Neener! Neener!
Still a good joke.
Gawd, Maj’s adolescence is giving me PTSD. I hope she survives better than I did. ;-)
Duffy -
ACK! Yes, she has been transforming right before my eyes.
It is quite alarming.
Lovely, but alarming.
I use to be one of those dancers in those naked places. Thought I never gave out free samples or dances! Sometimes I do miss dancing, i miss the money and the attention. Sigh! I loved dancing, it made me feel sexy and hot.
REALLY?
I don’t believe you have ever mentioned that before.
REALLY?
Yes, I first started as a shooter girl. Do you know the difference betwwen a shooter girl and a stripper? 2 weeks! Haha. I danced for 2 years, got caught up in drugs and got clean. Been clean for 3 years. I do miss the money though. I made at least 300-600 a night. I’m hot though lol
The dancing part? The money part? The attention part?
That sounds way fun.
The drugs part not so much. Glad you are clean . . . good job, hot you!
Yes, I use to be i much better shape. I am in the process of convince John that I need a “fitness” pole in our home. And when I say fitness I mean stripper pole It is the best workout ever. Fuck spinning (because it hurts your ass), fuck the treadmill (because walking is boring), fuck the zumba class (because I have no rhythm, which you do not need for stripping), Fuck the ellipitcal (becuase its the ellipitcal and is the devil).
But alas I can not go back to the club and make money because that is a hot zone.
A fitness pole sounds perfectly reasonable. Tell your husband I said so.
Also?
For no reason whatsoever (because I have never seen the show before), I watched an episode of America’s Best Dance Crew the other night.
There was a group of women determined to bring pole-dancing to the masses! They were all about demonstrating strength and grace and flexibility! YAY!
They all climbed up on their poles and did their routine, and the judges’ jaws just dropped.
So fucking slutty.
Awesome but slutty.
Hee hee!
Yay! Before i got pregnant and had a baby I saw pictures of moms on a stripper pole and everyone was like wtf? It was one of those chain messages. Anyways I feel like I would be a white trash mom if i did that while my son was watching. Its bad enough that i took him to the grocery liquor today because I needed wine and vodka for easter. I also got jager but thats for me so I can deal with family. Shh I love my coping mechanism
OK, I just want to be clear.
Your Easter preparations involve wine, vodka, and Jagermeister?
You fucking rock!
I also got ham and sweet potatos But yes, if i am going to be remotely civil, I need to be relaxed, considering the fact I have not been laid in two week and I just turn john down because he asked me to pick out a porn and turn it on. I said no because he doesn’t want to have sex with me sober or without porn. Needless to sya we got into the jagermeister early. Sigh! I give up. Am I too annoying for you yet?
You are familiar with the concept of masturbation, correct?
Yes, I believe we converse that matter the other night when I said I was going to watch bikini cops or the hills have thighs and asked you to join me. I seem to get myself off to much these days. Sometimes, I think about cheating but that would require too much work and I love and repsect myself too much.
Yes, that was me.
Sigh.
Poor you.
Stupid man you have there.
Very stupid.
I am sick of feeling sorry for myself, so I have a new strategy. Its calle fuck you I am not having sex with you anymore because you are an asshole and I am tried of competing with pornstars with big fake boobs. I know I am hot and I dont need you to justify that.
An excellent plan.
And now?
I am off to eat sausage.
Of the non-sexy sort.
Bother.
Later!
Thanks for the laugh :)
Treat Daddy – that is awesome.
And this is the exact reason I never ever let my hubby go to the grocery store….. when I absolutely have to send him for something – like if I am deathly ill – and I say “Only soup, crackers, and meds” he comes home with randomness like Jelly Belly Beans – REALLY??
Danielle -
Mark LOVES to go shopping.
He loves to go shopping, and I hate it with a passion.
So we have a lot of randomness at our house.
A lot.
Haha. Good thing Kallan wasn’t going around calling him her sugar daddy.
I have a treat mommy! It’s wonderful to be treated from time to time.
Puffcorn has no kernels and it is really soft! Maj might like it. I remember braces, poor thing. They SUCK.
Haven -
Maj has had her top braces on for a while, but the bottom ones are causing her grief. At least here in the beginning.
I never had braces as a child, but it does not look fun.
I’ll have to tell her about the Puffcorn.
Thank you!
that was like a really good sitcom episode! and maj has an awesome sense of humor.
Maj does not always bring her sense of humor out to play, but when she does?
She is awesome.
The ONLY reason I can imagine to take family members shopping for food is to provide repartee for one’s blog. I only mouth platitudes about democracy. In reality I’m an autocrat: it would never occur to me to take other members of the family with me: might endanger my rep as an extreme food miser. BTW: I make tons of Cuban black beans & rice — from scratch.
We often end up shopping as a group.
We do a lot of things together that could more efficiently be handled by just one of us.
We are odd that way.
who am I kidding? I’m just jealous of what a tight-knit little nuclear family you have & all the fun you have!
We are pretty fun.
Enormously inefficient, but way fun.
I’m with you on this one, WDS. I shop alone baby! The last time I went shopping with the fam, I was so completely (and silently, you know, because I’m all nice and stuff) annoyed with how much the hubs and my child were affecting my time-shop continuum. When I’m shopping, I am like a crazed contestant of a timed shopping spree (sans excited squeals at the check out, also sans free merchandise much to my chagrin). There are probably casualties too (or so I imagine, I don’t stick around one aisle long enough to observe the aftermath of my fly-by shopping).
Sara -
Your family affects your time-shop continuum?
Oh, that’s just awesome.
I shop from a list. I am in and out with only the things I have agreed to purchase.
But I REALLY hate shopping, so I may not head out of the house to do the shopping at all. I will just stay home and decide that we don’t really need socks . . . or noodles . . . or whatever the supposed necessity is.
I am all sockless at the moment.
And my feet are cold.
Hmmph.
Shopping with my husband is so not fun. He takes the cart so I have to carry my purse (I don’t trust him not to walk away and leave it there.) then when I stop to look at stuff, he keeps going. So I’m following him around the store carrying stuff I’ve found.
Yeah. Hate shopping. But alone is so much better.
Snort!
Except when I go shopping by myself, I tend to bail on the whole endeavor.
We need nothing!
YAY!
And then I go home.
And then we have no food.
Ahem.
We tend to end up with a lot of junk an very little real food when shopping together.
I don’t know why it happens that way.
Yes . . . Mark is our treat shopper.
I have the list.
He adds things of the treaty sort to the cart.
Sigh.
Sad, yet true. Well, to be fair, my husband slows me down. My son sits in the cart, and he is not in control of the walking pace, so he can’t foil my speed-shopping.
I use a list too, but I have a little OCD about the list. I usually write the list in order of the store set up, so I don’t have to jump around my list and ultimately miss something 10 aisles back.
You write your list in the order that the store is set up?
WOW.
You are quite OCD awesome!
I wouldn’t exactly call it “awesome”. Deranged maybe.
Awesome.
Deranged.
Pretty much the same thing.
LOL. Very true.
Hee hee!
Oh no, just before Easter. How is she going to eat all the chocolate eggs??
I know.
And guess what else? Her top braces were put on the day before Halloween.
She is pretty sure Mark and I are fucking with her.
Yeah I’d be pretty suspicious too. What are you planning for Christmas??
I sent you a present for Maj! Hope you both like it :-)
I got it and I love it!
Maj wants to know if those are hotdogs on the horns.
I told her I thought not.
I am sorry but your pic looks like a penis with a horn and I love it. I wish my boyfriend’s penis had a horn, then maybe he could hit my g spot.
You are talking dirty to Ben of the Unicorns?
Oooh . . . I look forward to his response.
I always try to behave with Ben.
He is all innocent!
Yes, I need to talk dirty to someone and am I wrong? Take a good look at it. It looks like a penis with a horn. I want his response. Does he have a twitter? I would love to follow him
He is not on Twitter.
If you click through to his unicorn blog?
You will see nothing but G-rated Meadows and vaguely phallic playful unicorns (and a narwhal).
Hee hee!
Hahaha love it! I think most people are weak when they go grocery shopping hungry. I end up buying all kinds of crap that later I want nothing to do with. Poor Maj with braces. They suck. I had them for years. Tell her to save some popsicles. She will need them after her monthly appts as well. Mashed potatoes are good too! And macaroni and cheese. I love her sense of humor. It is great!
Kim -
Mark is a very treaty shopper even when he is not hungry. When he is hungry? Oh . . . my . . . god.
Maj has had top braces for several months, so she knows about the monthly appointments.
They annoy her.
Hahaha oh man. Does he come home with half the store?
Well atleast Maj knows what she is in for. They annoyed me too. I complained every month. I always tried to come up with ways to get out of going to my appointments. Never worked.
Kim -
Yes. Yes, he does come home with half the store. He so does.
And Maj is accepting of her braces and the appointments.
Annoyed but accepting.
I know you will be excited to know that Hubby and I are now giggling like crazy in bed!
YAY!
Totally made my night with that news.
So awesome.
You have absolutely no idea how much I needed the giggle I got here tonight.
These lines are classic, in or out of context:
“Might I interest you lovely ladies in a sausage sample?”
“Wait! Samples? What kind of samples?”
I could die all happy now. Sausage sample. Giggle.
Nichole -
Someone asked me today where I got my ideas for posts.
I just walk around and this stuff just happens . . . all I have to do is collect it up and report back.
So giggly.
I am delighted to have made you laugh.
Hee hee!
I had no choice but to go back and read more of your grocery store tomfoolery: http://www.prettyalltrue.com/2010/04/clean-up-aisle-3/
Cracker whore…
Happy giggles.
Hee hee!
Mark is a very entertaining shopping partner.
I did like that post.
I’m with Nichole, much needed the herewith provided giggles. This post is “classic Kris” in my book – it had both your daughters and Mark all being their wonderful selves. And you full of grumpy good cheer. Carry on. And in the sitcom? You will be played by…. hmmm, must ponder that and get back to you.
Grumpy good cheer?
Hmmm.
Yes, get back to me with the name of the actress who will play me.
It had better not be Roseanne Barr.
Never Rosaeanne Barr in a million years. Roseanne Cash more like it (not that she does sitcoms). Who do YOU think should play you? I’m being stumped… Holly Hunter’s the right type, but too old. Jodi Foster’s a little too… severe. Could we make Rachel Griffiths shorter or pretend you’re taller? Hmmm, not quite there yet…
I’m holding out for Tina Fey.
What?
Yes.
Perfect.
She might be a bit busy these days, but never mind that, she will clearly drop everything to play wonderful you.
(And it’s a good thing I proof-read this time – because I had initially accidentally typed “busty” instead of “busy” — which she might well be, as she’s pregnant again, but not what I meant.)
As this is all imaginary anyway?
She can be as busy or as busty or as pregnant as she wants to be.
She’ll be perfect.
Wait, this is imaginary? You haven’t signed the “make my blog into a sitcom and pay me $1 bazillion dollars” deal? DAMN!
I do like the sound of that bazillion word.
Where did I put those forms the rich Hollywood types sent me, anyway?
Damn it.
I lose everything.
Your posts about these family outings always leave me with a big smile and a light heart. You really couldn’t make this stuff up; it’s too good.
I don’t mind grocery shopping & such; I even go to the hardware store but OMG! Don’t make me go shopping for clothes or shoes! Pure Hell. Ugh.
Such happiness that my words leave you with a big smile and a light heart.
That’s just fabulous.
Thank you!