Maj always hates new things at first.
Mark and I know this about her, so we were prepared for negativity when she opened her big birthday present.
We bought her an awesome electric scooter, by the way.
Here’s Maj . . .
“I asked for a scooter. What is this huge thing?”
“It weighs a bazillion pounds!”
“Really? It has to be assembled? Seems like you would have thought to assemble it before you gave it to me.”
“It has to charge for 18 hours? The scooter I actually asked for just needs a push. Push . . . instant movement. Did you not think about how I don’t like to wait for things when you made this purchase?”
“It’s not green.”
“Really? Kallan gets the big box it came in? The only fun thing about this gift and Kallan gets it? Oh, that’s just awesome.”
“What if I don’t want to go 15 miles an hour? That seems horrifically dangerous.”
“What if I run out of battery charge far from home? I am just supposed to push this monster back to our house?”
“No one else has one of these. I am going to look like a freak.”
“What does that mean . . . a supersized deck . . . do you have doubts as to my balancing ability? I need the fat kid deck?”
“What is the point of assembling it in the kitchen if I am not allowed to ride it in the kitchen?”
“Says here you have to be 13 to ride this thing. I am going to be arrested. Newsflash . . . I am 12.”
“Says here to check your local rules and regulations regarding usage on city streets. Did anyone bother to check the rules?”
“You can’t just say that you are sure it will be fine. The police are going to chase me down and arrest me!”
“What do you mean, It won’t be much of a chase?”
“Why is it so big? It looks like a scooter for handicapped children.”
“What do you mean, Anxiety is a handicap?”
“People are going to mock me and then I am going to be arrested. This was an irresponsible and thoughtless purchase.”
“I’m not riding it where anyone can see me.”
“I am never riding it to my friends’ houses.”
“Pretty sure you are not allowed to ride this scooter in our city.”
“This is the dumbest birthday gift ever.”
“Did you actually think to yourself that this gift would make me happy? You are sadly misguided.”
“WHAT ARE THE LAWS REGARDING ITS USE?”
And then?
Mark snaps.
He sinks into the couch next to me, “Fine, Maj. I’ll tell you what. I will break it in for you.”
Maj yells from the kitchen, “What?”
Mark continues, “Yes, I will ride the scooter. No helmet, no shirt, no shoes . . . right past the police station.”
“Daddy, noooooo!”
“If I can do that, you should be fine.”
“I am not riding it! Not ever!”
“Well, then it’s my scooter and I will just get comfy. I will buy scooter shorts . . . silky and neon green, I am thinking. I will be barefoot and I will pull my hair back with a pink headband.”
“Noooooooo!”
“And I will play disco music at top volume!”
Kallan is walking through at this moment and chokes on her soda as she giggles.
Mark is delighted to get a reaction, “And in case you were wondering? The disco music will be blaring from the two big-ass speakers I will have attached to the front of the scooter.”
Kallan snorts with laughter, “Maj, Daddy is going to make you one of the popular kids! Everybody is going to want to be THAT man’s daughter!”
Maj wails, “Nooooo!”
Mark is all thoughtful, “I have always wanted a scooter. I will be able to just jet around the neighborhood whenever I want. I will wave to everyone! I will need a horn, of course. BEEP BEEP!”
“Noooooo!”
This whole time I am laughing hysterically, by the way . . . but I break in here, “Ooooh! Daddy could get a paper route!”
“NOOOOOOO!!!!”
Mark stands and walks over to Maj, “So how about instead you calm the heck down and give it a try, crazy girl?”
“Fine.”
So we take Maj to an abandoned parking lot, where she whizzes about joyfully for almost an hour.
Mark and I wave as she zooms past us.
“I LOVE THIS SCOOTER!”
She does another big speedy circle and comes past us again.
“THANK YOU!”
Silly girl.
When we get back home, Maj is all excited about the scooter.
She hugs me as Mark pushes it into the garage, “Hey, Mother?”
“Yeah?”
“Have you ever noticed that I have a hard time being happy about new things?”
“No way!”
“Your sarcasm is not invisible, Mother.”
“Love you, Maj.”
“Thank you for the scooter, Mother.”
“You’re welcome.”
“You’ll keep Daddy off of it, right? Like when I am at school?”
“I’ll do the best I can, babe.”
BEEP BEEP!
Hee hee!
Picturing Mark’s glee far outweighs the general crabbiness of the child lol, anxiety, new things, new places … where would she get such a thing?
Hello friend :)
Mark is so fucking awesome.
Love that man.
Maj takes after me just a bit.
We both need him to balance us.
Plus, we need the supersized deck.
Ahem.
So glad she ended up loving the gift.
And I love how Mark handled it. She may not handle change or new things well, but Maj can at least see it & deal with it.
PS If Mark does ever buy scooter shorts, PLEASE share them with us.
Natalie -
If Mark ever bought those scooter shorts?
I might have to post a photo.
Hee hee!
Kris
and no Yuliya to challenge me this evening ….
That’s where you’re WRONG…sleep with one eye open…
Hee hee!
Nicole -
She is here!
Eeek!
Oh that’s beyond cute and so darn funny!! I would love to be a fly on the wall in your house Kris :)
Alison -
Our house is loud and hilarious.
Mostly loud.
Ask the neighbors.
Ahem.
Me
Omg. Love Mark’s scooter riding outfit! So awesome.
Erin -
I know!
Mark is awesome.
Swoon!
I have child envy. I want your kids. Maybe they can come give lessons? How much to have them train three girls, one age six, and twin three-year-olds? Do I get training for a male two-year-old thrown in free? Bring the scooter. And the rubber frogs. We have broken crayons and coloring books.
My children are a pain in the ass at times, but they are awesome and incredibly funny.
So much fun at our house.
So . . . much . . . fun.
I, too am having fun envy. Right now? Not much fun here, but lots of ass-pain :-(
Ass pain?
Of the literal or metaphorical sort?
Hmmmm.
Metaphorical ass-pain, literal elbow-pain.
Most days I know the difference.
(Smashed elbow into hard bathroom tile wall wrangling a bouncy boy at bath time last night & hurts like motherfucker today.)
Varda -
I hit my head the other day . . . HARD.
It also hurt like a motherfucker the next day.
Sigh.
I am way too klutzy.
Ow.
I want a motorized scooter.
So I can embarrass Kaylee.
And maybe Randall too.
Heh.
Stasha -
Maj let me take a little ride around the parking lot.
It was awesome!
You definitely need one.
Definitely.
Does this mean that Kallan now gets a scooter? How does that whole sibling thing work anyway?
Yuliya -
Nope. Maj has been having big issues lately with the fact that there are few things that she gets to do that Kallan does not get to do. This because Kallan pushes harder to get to do everything, and because Kallan is MUCH more adventurous than Maj about trying new things.
So the scooter is only for Maj.
Kallan will have to wait a while.
And beg for rides . . . Maj is looking forward to the begging.
Hee hee!
See these are things I am not aware of being an only child…yes I’m an only child pretend to be shocked.
Color me stunned.
Snort.
THANK. YOU. I am feeling all kinds of irritable and dealing with dangerously high levels of annoyance for no good reason except hormones and that is bullshit. But now I am smiling. I am smiling because you and Mark responded exactly the way Ryan and I would. I love it.
Someone should check the laws though.
And get Mark the shorts and headband. I think it’d be a real shame if that opportunity went to waste.
Angela -
Maj isn’t going to be allowed out of the immediate neighborhood, so I am not that concerned about the legality of the thing. She won’t be out of a 6 block square.
As for the other?
Father’s Day is coming up.
I am all inspired!
I thought I loved Mark before.
But that was nothing compared to now.
Dreaming of him on the super-sized dick in his neon green shorts.
I’m all swoony over here!
Oops. Heh.
I mean “deck”
Super-sized “deck”
Snort.
Stupid fucking cast.
I had surgery on an old hand/wrist injury.
Two more weeks of castdom.
I’ll try to be more careful.
Snort.
I was gonna say… WHOA! Getting up close & personal!
DYING.
Best typo ever.
DYING.
I see you came back to explain.
But I?
Am still dead.
Glad I could crack you up like you crack me up.
Paybacks and all that shit.
p.s. it wasn’t really a typo.
heh heh heh…
P. P. S.
You want Mark and his supersized deck.
You know you do.
Ha!
You have to check out “damn autocorrect.com website. pretty funny.
oops, it’s…damnyouautocorrect.com
OK, your typo is cracking me up.
LOL!! I agree, best typo ever! You naughty fantasizer you!
Snorty giggles.
OMG – First you shocked me, now I have to agree – that is the best typo ever.
Still giggling.
Laughing while tears stream from my eyes. Entertaining all who pass my car in the parking garage I’m sure. Best freaking typo ever.
Suz -
Hee hee!
Back here the next morning . . . and it is still funny.
Happy sighs.
LOL! I have no doubt in my mind she is going to worry all day at school about Mark driving her scooter around in his neon shorts and pink hair band LOL!
Amy -
Yes!
She will worry all day.
How awesome is that thought?
I love this man.
Happy sighs.
I really want to see Mark ride around like that. So much glee.
I also need some invisibe sarcasm. That would come in handy.
How awesome is that?
Your sarcasm is not invisible, Mother.
That girl cracks me up.
Fantastic! Thank you so much for sharing this story. I laughed out loud the whole time I was reading it. Then I read it to my husband and he and I laughed til the point of tears.
So happy that Mad enjoys her gift!
Lauran -
Oh, how I love the image of you and your husband both giggling and crying!
That is just fabulous.
Thank you!
Now Maj can finally catch that pesky roadrunner!
So much giggling!
Yes!
Maj is Wile E. Coyote!
Oh, I love that.
Just so you know, one of my best friends lives in Lake O.
Whenever I drive out there to visit her now? I am keeping my eye out for the girl on the electric scooter.
And also the dad in the neon green shorts.
Consider yourself warned. I will have my camera phone at the ready!
ACK!
Paparazzi!
Snort!
Maj will be the one riding tall and straight, with the angry “Get the fuck out of my way” look on her face.
I would advise that you get the fuck out of her way.
She has little patience with the press.
Hee hee!