Mark has been listening to Eminem in the car lately during his commute.
The other day . . .
He and I are in the car without the girls, and Mark is talking about how much he enjoys Eminem’s music. I am busy reading something and emailing something and I am not really listening. Blah, blah, blah . . . something about explicit lyrics . . . blah blah blah . . . don’t let the girls listen to those albums.
Whatever.
Blah, blah, blah . . . you know you let the girls listen to some songs with cursing but you do need to be careful . . . blah, blah, blah.
Mark is all cute when he gets parental.
I finish my email, search for the proper recipients . . . tap, tap, tap . . . I stop paying attention altogether to what Mark is saying . . . what was that woman’s email address, anyway?
Mark is still talking, and I tune back in to hear, “Pussy residue was on my penis.”
Wait . . . what?
So I say, “Wait . . . what?”
Mark looks at me, “That’s a line from one of his songs. Some chick named Denise from the cleaners fucked him good and gave him something bad.”
So . . . much . . . giggling, “I have never heard that song. We have that song on an album?”
“Yes.”
“I am so going to listen to that song now.”
Hee hee!
In completely unrelated news?
Kallan’s class has been doing some science project involving what Kallan refers to as “Bachelor Crabs.”
I assume she means Hermit Crabs, but Bachelor Crabs makes me giggle, so I have not corrected her.
As the project ended, the Bachelor Crabs got sent home with some of the kids in the class. Kallan came home all crabby (hee hee!) about how the Bachelor Crabs had gone home with children who were not her. I wasn’t that sympathetic . . . we have fish and a turtle and frogs and salamanders and dogs. Let someone else have the Bachelor Crabs.
So today, we are all in the car and Kallan is still pissed off about the crab thing.
“OK, Mom? Apparently, I somehow missed the part where my teacher said we could have crabs if we got a note from our parents.”
Her voice gets petulant and hostile, “You didn’t write me a note and now look at me! I am the only one in my class without crabs.”
Mark and I exchange glances, and I say, “I so would have signed you up to get crabs if I had known, babe. I do not remember you asking me to sign a paper about getting crabs.”
“There was no paper, Mom. You were just supposed to know! Why didn’t you know how much I wanted crabs? Why didn’t you ask my teacher to give me crabs?”
Mark and I are both giggling now.
Kallan ignores us, “And now Jennifer has crabs and Susie has crabs and Amy has crabs. I want crabs!”
Mark and I giggle some more.
“WHY ARE YOU GIGGLING?”
I turn to Kallan, “OK, I know the crabs in your class are different, but there is a kind of tiny parasite called a crab that can live in your hair. When you keep yelling about how everyone else got crabs and you want crabs? It’s like asking to be infested with a parasite.”
Maj pipes up, “Like lice? Those live in your hair.”
“Yeah, like lice.”
Maj is thoughtful, “Except not like lice, because you are giggling. So how are crabs different?”
Crap. Maj is smart.
“Ummm . . . crabs like to live where it is dark and damp.”
“That makes no sense. The hair on your head is not dark or damp.”
“Lower, Maj.”
“What?”
“Lower hair.”
And then the girls together go, “EWWWWWW!”
Kallan recovers first, “This cannot be true, because my whole class has been talking about how much they want crabs. How much they want the teacher to give them crabs. How they dream of crabs. And not ONCE has my teacher giggled. You are making this up.”
“I am not making this up, and your teacher has amazing powers of self-control. Inside, she is giggling.”
Kallan speaks with confidence, “I don’t think so. How do you know about these so-called crabs, anyway? I think maybe you had crabs, and that’s how you know so much about them.”
“No, I did not! Not ever!”
“Daddy had crabs, then?”
“No!”
“So how did you learn about them?”
“I don’t know. Someone told me about them.”
“A likely story, Mom. Some stranger just came up to you at a party one time and said Guess what? I have tiny itchy crab parasites on my boy parts?”
So much giggling, “Nope, that never happened. I am all sad. I wish that had happened . . . that would have been hilarious!”
Silence for a few minutes.
And then Kallan starts to sing a little mournful song of crab wanting.
Mark and I giggle.
Maj leans forward, “Other people’s parents are more mature than the two of you. You know this, right?”
Kallan giggles, “Don’t be so crabby, Maj.”
Maj is annoyed, “I see what you did there. I AM NOT CRABBY!”
Hee hee!
I could have made a joke here about Denise.
Or about how this lesson on safe sex had been brought to them by the letters M and M.
Or about how a condom might put Maj in a better mood (what with its ability to ward off crabbiness).
But I am all mature.
So I just giggled.
Hahahaha.
Seriously though, you were just supposed to KNOW to write a note? Even though she never asked you? That’s asking for some major supermom mind reading skills. :)
I know, right?
Someone tells me to write a note asking for crabs, I am all over that.
But it is not just going to OCCUR to me that such a note is required.
Silly Kallan.
Like, seriously! No Amy OR Jennifer?
I don’t believe you. That’s fucked up.
Opps – I pressed the wrong reply button.
It’s early.
Sorry.
I am all giggly.
I have done that before on the blogs of others.
So annoying.
Hee hee!
That is totally awesome.
Your tags pinch my love handles… like a crab… and make me giggle.
I was that teacher. I had no control. I quit.
I would giggle all the time if I was the teacher in charge of which children got crabs.
Just the thought makes me giggle.
Hee hee!
And my tags?
I love my tags.
They serve no SEO purpose whatsoever.
But I just love them.
I meant to go down here.
Did you now?
Snort!
Yeah. Way the fuck down here.
I don’t aim to be annoying – it occurs naturally.
See now?
I read your comment as saying that you wanted to go down.
Here.
Hmmm.
Well, yes.
I’d never turn THAT down.
Swoon.
I knew I loved you.
I never got to have conversations like this with the daughter when she was that age.
I missed so much giggling.
You have the most fun.
I do have so much fun.
SO . . . MUCH . . . FUN.
Happy giggly sighs.
Kris
If you were not so totally mature, I don’t know what I would do for entertainment…
Plus also? Factoring in that other email thing, the girls are on a roll.
Bill
Bill -
I am so happy to have made you giggle.
As for the email?
I am not at all sure I will be able to blog that.
Ever.
Such a shame.
Sigh.
Me
I DO NOT!
Hee hee!
False names, even . . . just so I didn’t get in trouble with anyone from Kallan’s class.
Did you see the tag?
Your lucky she didn’t tell you. I made my parents get me a Hermet Crab when we went to the Gulf on Vacation (awhile ago) and they stink and they like to crawl out of their shells and they’re kinda freaky looking. (and they stink)
I don’t have any self control either!
Amber -
Nigel (who comments around these parts quite often) did a whole bunch of posts about some crabs he bought his young daughter for Christmas.
As I recall, there was a lot of stinky death.
Were those hermit crabs?
Hmmm.
Kris
most likley. My Hermit crab also liked to death dive from my tall dresser to my hardwood floors after climbing out of his plastic cage. I would find him randomly on my floor if I forgot to close the lid. lol
Nope.
Nigel’s dead crabs were of the watery sort . . . http://www.nigelparesis.com/?p=1563
And guess what?
Kallan’s turtle almost made a crashing escape the other day onto tile floor.
That would have been very very bad.
And totally Mom’s fault.
Shhhh.
I didn’t share that near-death experience with the owner of the turtle.
Kallan would not be pleased.
“Other people’s parents are more mature than the two of you”
But, I bet they aren’t as much fun! I love how much you all laugh together!!
Pam -
Sadly, the girls have no real point of comparison, and they feel cheated.
Hee hee!
I love how Kallan can burst into songs of parody. Just in time. It’s awesome.
Robin -
She is our own little Weird Kal Yankovic.
OK, I just made that up.
I love that!
I love that too!!
Yay!
Um, who are these other “mature” parents? I have yet to meet them!
Along a similar genre, the basketball player Vlade Divac had his initials, in flames, tattooed on his arm.
When it made its debut, sometime in the early 2000′s, my mom said “Vlade Divac has a flaming VD on his arm!”
To which my dad replied: “Better on his arm than somewhere else!”
See, no maturity, anywhere. ;-)
Tiffany -
I love your parents! Your dad especially.
That’s how parenting should be done.
With lots of adult giggling.
Hee hee!
When my oldest was about Kallan’s age, her class went on a field trip to some science museum place. She and another girl both failed to have parents who gave them enough money to actually buy what they wanted in the gift shop. My daughter had no coolness credibility to go in with someone and buy something together. But that other girl? While better liked than my daughter, she had ZERO spine. So she ended up giving my daughter her money, so they could buy a Hermit Crab to share. The she went home, and cried about it.
When I got home, there was a voicemail from her mom telling me how my daughter had taken her daughter’s money and was so aggrieved they’d had to go out and buy her a hermit crab and they wanted her half of the money back. That’s how I found out we had a hermit crab. If they’d just waited til I got home, they would NOT have had to buy their own as I would have made my daughter give it up. Our budget was extremely tight in those days. Extremely. I was so pissed to have to go buy somewhere for the damn thing to live, and spare shells, and etc. By the weekend he had crawled out of his shell, failed to choose a new one from amongst the crab condos we supplied, and died a horrible, shell-less stinky death. And I was out $50.
Why on earth would the museum sell live animals to children whose parents were not there to approve? WHY??!!
That is exactly how my dumb hermit crab died!! Although his cage and extra shell came with him when i bought him. Never Again do I want a Hermit Crab lol
Snort!
Who knew hermit crabs were so stupid?
And Karen?
They should NEVER have sold your child a live animal without you being present to OK the purchase.
Although I have a friend who gave away live pet fish as birthday party favors.
She took some shit for that.
Hee hee!
Thanks for reminding me of that friend.
I owe her a phone call.
Badly.
me
You made me snort Diet Dr Pepper. And laugh out loud.
I needed this very very very much.
I also rock out to various tunes on my way to my work. Sometimes it happens to be eminem.
I am looking up this song.
Thanks for making my day better.
I know I said I was good earlier, but I may have been fibbing a bit.
Thanks you! Good job!
Russell -
If I made your day better?
A small repayment for the awesome comments and love you have been leaving in my archives.
Love that.
And?
I knew you weren’t being entirely honest earlier.
That’s OK.
Fibs are sometimes required.
Me
You are very intuitive.
Or I am that transparent.
Anyhoodles. If you are intereste, you may have an email coming your way because its so not blogworthy:)
Thanks for the compliment about my comments! I will be diving back in soon.
I kinda got side tracked with the whole no longer quiet thing.
Russell -
Difficult for me to hear you call finding your own voice “being side-tracked.”
Silly you.
Send me that email.
Kris
hee hee mature parents? psh … only the boring stuffy ones … otherwise how would animaniacs still be funny?
I do very much enjoy your tags.
Tabitha -
Thank you!
And thank you for reading my archives and sticking with me all the way back to today.
I love that.
Kris
I love your tags almost as much as I love your posts, hee.
Can you and Mark be my parents please?
Ok that just sounds weird. Instead, I shall aspire to be the kind of fun, not mature parents that you and Mark are.
Alison -
I do love my tags.
Yay!
And yes . . . aspire to be like us so that we look less freakish out here by ourselves.
Get on that!
Ha! Pussy residue. Eminem is a romantic, no?
And geez, why didn’t you let the teacher give Kallan crabs? Who are you to stand in the way of your daughter getting crabs? Why so prophylactic in your parenting?
OK, that would have been an awesome title for this post . . .
Prophylactic parenting.
That would have been excellent!
I am all geniusy?
Yes!
Yes, you are.
I’m NEVER calling those stupid things Hermit Crabs again! AND I’m calling my friend… who bought them for her children (who also BEGGED for crabs!) and keeps them (the Crabs) in her bathroom… and telling her all about this story. She WILL die laughing… and prolly make a new sign for their cage. (Cuz she’s crafty like that.)
Sarah -
Happy sighs over my morning coffee.
Thank you for that!
Tell your friend I said hi!
Me