Because I am awesome, I offered to take Maj to the park to practice riding her skateboard.
Her skateboard is new and the subject of some controversy.
The name of this controversy is that I am not all that pleased that Mark let Maj buy a skateboard she was supposed to buy a scooter that HELLO has a handle which is important as Maj has been known to fall out of chairs and walk into walls for no reason whatsoever so I was cranky when they brought the skateboard home and I insisted that Maj wear all of the protective gear which made Maj look like a turtle of the screaming hysterical sort when she laid on the floor and yelled about how I was sucking all of the joy out of her life.
I do not like to be known as the mom who sucks all the joy out of things.
Annoying.
So I took a deep breath and apologized for sucking all of the joy out of her skateboard purchase.
And now we are at the park.
Kallan unloads her bicycle from the back of the minivan and zooms away.
Maj puts on her helmet and her wrist guards. Because I am all easygoing and joy spitting (as opposed to sucking), I have agreed to allow Maj to forgo the knee pads and the elbow pads. She places a careful foot on the skateboard and makes three small pushes with her other foot, propelling herself a short unsteady distance down the sidewalk.
She stops at a sign.
Stands beneath it.
Glares at me.
NO SKATEBOARDING
I walk up to her, “Babe, there’s no one else at the park. It’s OK.”
Maj’s eyes widen, “Does it amuse you to suggest that I become an outlaw, Mother?”
“Seriously, Maj? There is no one else here. They mean troublesome skateboarders who go fast and do tricks. They don’t mean that you can’t practice how to balance and ride in a straight line.”
Maj takes off her wrist guards and hands them to me, “I see no such distinction on the sign. Gather up Kallan . . . we need to go to a different park. You know better than to think I am going to be a rebel.”
“Oh my god. Really?”
“I am not a rebel, Mother. There is a sign that outlaws the activity I would like to do. Is this what you want, Mother? For your older daughter to be arrested? Police activity, Mother? What are you thinking? THIS WILL GO ON MY PERMANENT RECORD!”
“Maj, you are insane.”
She leans to pick up her skateboard and tucks it under her arm, “Am I, Mother? Or am I simply a law-abiding citizen who will not be corrupted?”
I corral an incredulous Kallan, “We’re leaving? Really? What does Maj think, that helicopters filled with police are going to drop from the sky? There is no one here! Worst case? Worst case is that an old lady walks up and says, “You’re not supposed to . . .,” but by the time that old lady finishes her sentence, we’ll be long gone! What is wrong with Maj?”
Maj is already sitting in the car, “The sign is a law, Kallan.”
Kallan crabbily climbs into the car, “This is so stupid.”
We head to another nearby park and we drive around the perimeter, checking for signs.
Yay! No signs.
Everybody out.
Kallan zooms away on her bicycle.
Maj puts on her helmet and her wrist guards and gingerly pushes herself a few feet along the sidewalk, “OK, Mother . . . how do I turn?”
“What do you mean how do you turn? I have no idea. I have never been on a skateboard in my life.”
“Mother, why are you here to guide me if you are useless?”
“I thought you could figure it out on your own.”
“Hmmm, Mother. That doesn’t sound like me at all.”
“Maj, just ride it around the park a few times.”
“AROUND the park, Mother. Do you see how that word suggests that turning will be required? I am arc-less, Mother. I am an endless series of small short lines.”
“YOU ARE DRIVING ME INSANE!”
Maj speaks mildly, “Way to draw attention to your fine mothering skills, Mother. Hello, strangers who wonder why my mother is yelling at me. Yes, this is as good a job as my mother can do. I know! It is sad. I agree.”
I take a few stompy steps toward Maj, “Ride that skateboard away from me right this second.”
“Fine. With no knowledge of how to stop or steer, I will ride away from you. Here I go! I am a rebel with no skills!”
She rides in a straight line . . . right off the end of the sidewalk.
And into a bush.
Maj is angry and hostile, “See what being a rebel got me, Mother? I am a rebel in a bush! I am in a bush! I AM A REBEL IN A BUSH!”
I extract Maj and the skateboard from the bush.
She wipes off her pants, “OK, so I am done with this. The end.”
“What? We just got here!”
“I WAS IN A BUSH, MOTHER! THE END.”
“Fine.”
She throws her skateboard, helmet, and wrist guards into the car, “Where’s Kallan?”
“Down by the river somewhere.”
Maj looks at me, “Are you kidding me? What if she falls in the river?”
“Then she’ll be wet.”
Maj stalks ahead and down the path to the river, “If someone asks you where a child who is not quite ten is? The answer should NEVER be . . . Oh, I don’t know. Down by the river somewhere.”
Annoying.
I call after her, “You are foiling all of my plans, Maj! I was going to have the police arrest you for illegal skateboarding, and then I was going to let Kallan bicycle right into the hands of a riverboat slave-trader. I am sick and tired of all this mothering nonsense. Today was going to be the beginning of my new life!”
She ignores me, and so I yell a little louder, “WHY MUST YOU SUCK EVERY BIT OF JOY FROM MY DAY?”
Maj turns then.
Turns and smiles, “Happy Mother’s Day, Mother!”
Love that girl.
I would be of no assistance with skateboard lessons either. How DOES one turn? By leaning one direction, perhaps?
Like Maj, I would have refused to ride if there was a sign that said no, as well.
Snort!
I am positive that if I get on that skateboard, I will fall and break an arm or a leg.
I will have to Google this turning thing . . . I assume leaning is required.
Maj is not a leaning sort of girl . . . she is stiff and upright.
We may have a problem.
You will have to google? Heck no. She will. Or Mark will. And then the whole thing will become a waste of money safely burrows under godknowswhat in the garage, and Maj’s bones will remain unbroken. Win-win.
But sooner or later, Kallan will find it and zoom off effortlessly to Maj’s shreiks of rage. That’s gonna be a problem.
Karen -
I really don’t see Maj becoming a serious skateboarder.
Nope.
But I love how you know that Kallan would be able to figure it out on her own . . . quickly.
Shhhh.
Hee hee!
There IS leaning… along with actually lifting the front wheels off the ground (by putting more weight on the back foot to prop the board) in tiny (minuscule,really) increments as you lean. For sharp turns, that is.
For the record, I would kill myself on a skateboard. Or end up in a bush. But more likely the former.
Denelle -
Seriously?
Ugh.
Minuscule increments?
Uh oh.
Maj thinks she has this parenting thing in the bag. . . now.
Just wait until she has kids and calls you to say, “Oh my God Mother! I am YOU!”
Or not.
Hee hee!
Also?
I am no help as far as the skateboard is concerned.
Maj’s 12th birthday is coming up, and she is pretty sure she no longer needs me.
At all.
Snort!
How to video found on You Tube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iOnlcEk50CM
You’re welcome.
Heh.
Snort!
Thank you.
LOL! I am so with you with the no skate boards thing. Had my ass beaten too many times by one.
Or perhaps I just fell on it one too many times.
But I still think the skate board had it in for me.
Amy -
I have never ridden on a skateboard and I just know there are broken bones in our future.
Sigh.
This is all Mark’s fault.
Make a note.
All his fault.
1. You turn by leaning slightly in the direction you wish to turn.
2. Shouldn’t you be *swallowing* joy??
3. Happy Mother’s Day
3a. I’m glad yours seemed funner (or at least funnier) than mine. :)
1) Maj rides her bicycle like the Wicked Witch in the tornado, so she is doomed.
2) Hee hee! I wondered if anyone would catch that.
3) Thank you! Happy Mother’s Day to you as well!
3a) Your day wasn’t funny? Hmmph. Funny is required around here.
Kris,
They are night and day, those angels.
And you let Mark buy the Skateboard of Doom and NOT supervise the training?
What?
Bill
I opened this post with the statement about my awesomeness for a reason.
Mark wasn’t feeling well this morning and he needed quiet.
SO I AGREED TO TAKE MAJ AND KALLAN TO THE PARK AND SUPERVISE THE SKATEBOARDING.
On Mother’s Day.
Because I am just that awesome.
In other news?
Mark does not know how to skateboard either.
Annoying.
You are so Awesome :)
I KNOW!
Thank you.
Kris,
This is how we skateboarded, circa 1963:
1) destroy a perfectly good pair of your sister’s roller skates.
2) nail them to a long board, with most of the nails removed
3) sit on the skateboard, next to four friends
4) roll down the driveway, smashing your friends, hoping they would lose their balance so you could run over their *fingers with your steel wheels
5) end the race by rolling into the busy street at the bottom of the driveway, bailing out as necessary to avoid being smooshed by a car.
6) Repeat as necessary.
*Bandaids needed
The perfect sport for a non-leaning girl like Maj.
What?
And Mark has NO skateboarding experience? Has he always been a boy? Don’t answer that.
Bill
With a LOT of adjustments for safety and sanity?
You are describing Maj’s career as a soapbox racer!
Hee hee!
And I have no idea how Mark managed to never skateboard.
Although I will tell you he is also a non-leaner.
Hee hee!
I guess I’m a different sort of “bush rebel”; having nothing to do with skateboards or crashing, but maybe, perhaps, in a small way; sucking and spitting.
Snorty giggles here.
Hello, you!
My daughter would have happily skateboard alone in the first park. It is the one where the skateboarders are that she hates. Mostly because she is the only one with helmet, wrist guards, knee AND elbow pads. We have resolved the humiliation, as we now have a skateboard halfpipe in the backyard (that’s not why we built it, just a bonus). Get a Tony Hawk Video (best skateboarder in the world) – he always wears safety gear.
Being serious for just a moment – my daughter had a snowboard accident just before she turned 12 – and was out of all sport for a full year with a head injury (and no TV, computer or reading for several months). Tell Maj it’s not worth it. I for one support you in insisting on safety gear. (FYI – My dd was wearing a helmet and other safety gear)
ACK!
The girls always wear helmets.
But they chafe at wearing additional safety gear.
I insisted on the wrist guards because I know Maj better than she knows herself.
She is a kltuz when she is first learning a new skill.
ACK.
Your daughter is all better now?
I think Maj and my husband might be the same person. Anytime we are learning to do anything, he always asks me how to do it. Given that I have no experience in it, how in the hell am I supposed to know?
So I recommend my coping mechanism: make crap up. How do you turn on a skateboard? You have to put your chin on your bellybutton, while humming twinkle, twinkle little star. You’re creative, have fun with it.
Oh, I am sooooo going to steal that!
I just love that!
Thank you!
Better watch out – skateboarding is a gateway drug ;)
To what?
Get back here and explain!
TO WHAT?
LOL. Well, “Sk8er Bois” aren’t exactly like how Avril Lavigne explains them. HAHA. Beware ;)
You hush your mouth.
Hee hee!
Seriously . . . hush.
OMG Maj is an old woman trapped in an almost 12 year old! Love it!
My daughter also tends to walk into walls, people, etc. so when you described Maj skate boarding (proably lss than 2km/hr) right into a bush I had to laugh out loud. For reals. That’s a visual that I’m pretty sure I will see in my future.
Oh, I so hope no one thought she was traveling at a high rate of speed.
Nope.
Just as you say . . . SLOW as molasses . . . right off the sidewalk and into a bush.
With absolutely no attempt made to correct or avoid the problem.
Snort!
I am filled with giggles at the memory.
Very nice, amusing story. I would have sympathy for you, but I have boys. Boys with scooters, skateboards, and mini-bikes with motors. I am a one mom, every weekend bloody triage unit. I have to buy bandages in bulk from costco.
Tell Maj to turn a skate board you simply lean into the direction you wish to go. Or so my boys tell me. Then the wheels are supposed to obey and head you in that direction.
As to the parks in Oregon, I have given up all hope of playing anywhere around here except the bloody woods these days. Every park we go to, including recreational parks with water all have signs now:
No biking
No skateboarding
No dogs
No campfires
No motorized water vehicles
No running
In fact, if you came here to do anything remotely fun or healthy you came to the wrong place.
Pfftt…about the only legal activity left in any of our parks these days is getting naked and bumping fuzzies. No signs against that yet.
Stupid signs.
Tell Maj to it’s ok to be a rebel sometimes, I bet she could talk her way completely out of being arrested anywhere for just about anything. She so could.
I hope that the skateboarding thing turns out to be as easy as leaning.
And that Maj is able to lean.
Hee hee!
And yes! What is up with all the parks in Oregon prohibiting many of the activities you would come to a park intending to do?
It’s annoying.
And I did point out to Maj that she is perfectly happy being a rebel where MY rules and regulations are concerned.
She just giggled.
That’s different, apparently.
Maj does have a point – you don’t want to encourage rebellion, do you?
That’s what Mark said!
Bother.
OK… the bane of my existence was my skateboard, that I once loved when I was 11. Sadly, my mother did NOT require safety gear and I ate it badly… not DEATHLY badly. But wrecked badly enough to NEVER want to ride again. I wish I’d hit a bush instead of asphalt. DANG!
OW ow ow ow ow.
Just the word asphalt makes my stomach hurt.
Ow.
You are awesome!
Just think, while you were supervising Skate boarding, I was supervising poop.
I think you win the awesome contest.
Russell -
I definitely win the awesome contest.
The only shit of my day was the shit Maj was giving me.
Annoying but not that messy.
I win!