There is a version of my mother in the back of our minivan.
A grumpy old lady with a deep crabby voice.
She sounds just like a female version of Dana Carvey’s Grumpy Old Man from Saturday Night Live.
Do you know the voice I mean?
She is cracking me up.
It started when I complained of being chilly in the car and reached to press the button that warms my front passenger seat.
Listen.
Here she is . . .
“You heating your butt, Kris? My fanny is more often too toasty . . . what I could use is an ice pack feature. Ice applied directly to my behind. Next time you drive me somewhere, bring me a butt-pack of ice.”
“You listening to your mama? You better be listening to your mama.”
“Where’s this young man of yours taking us?”
“I wasn’t talking to you, sonny. Let Kris answer the question.”
“Sonny, I told you to be quiet.”
“Just drive, sonny.”
“Sonny, quit your yapping and drive this car. Some people are born to drive, but you do not appear to one of those types . . . focus, young man. Focus on the task at hand.”
“There is a rude commotion from the small girl-child next to me . . . No one cares what you have to say, whippersnapper! No one cares!”
“What?”
“What?”
“WHAT?”
“OH, I’m sorry. I accidentally turned off my hearing aid. Wait just one moment.”
“Wait.”
“Wait.”
“Wait.”
“Seriously? This is how you talk to your mama? Somebody didn’t raise you right.”
“I am a senior citizen and I deserve some respect.”
“Sonny, how many times I got to tell you nobody’s talking to you?”
“These pants are riding up something fierce.”
“Is there a bathroom anywhere? I got to go to the bathroom in an urgent kind of way.”
“Kris, speak to your daughter. She is forgetting her place.”
“Sonny, I need a bathroom. I got something bad stored up inside me and it wants to get out.”
“I may need a towel. Kris, you brought me a towel, right?”
“Oh my lord! OH MY LORD! What is that smell?”
“No, I believe it was you, Kris. What did you eat?”
“Kris, your mama is dying back here! Crack a window for your mama!”
Maj leans forward, “Why do you let her talk like this? She is insane and you just giggle and act like a fool. She needs reprimanding, Mother!”
I am gasping for air, “Oh my god, Maj. I know she’s being horrid, but she is so funny. I can’t even breathe!”
“Mother, you are encouraging her. I know that you know this.”
“But she is just so funny!”
“Daddy, can’t you do something?”
Mark speaks calmly as he adjusts the radio station, “She is hilarious, Maj. Sit back and enjoy the show.”
“Thank you, sonny. You’re a good boy.”
Maj wails, “Why is she like this?”
Old lady Kallan directs herself to Maj, “Back in the old days, you would get a whipping for such language. I am your elder and I will be respected!”
And then the car is filled with the sound of Rihanna’s S&M.
Sigh.
Such a horrible and inappropriate song.
Kallan and Maj love this song.
Kallan breaks character and giggles like the little girl she is, “Maj! It’s Persie’s song! Sing our version with me, Maj!”
The girls sing together, as Rihanna sings about sex and pain and the smell of sex in the air.
Maj and Kallan’s version is a little different . . .
My butt may smell bad but that’s because there is poo in it
Farts in the air, I don’t care, I love the smell of it
Yelling NO won’t change my ways
Because eating poo excites meNa na na na na
Come on
Na na na
Come on, come on, come on
Na na naAss ass ass and mmm mmm mmm
Ass ass ass and mmm mmm mmm
I turn, “Did you guys just sing the word ass?”
The grumpy old lady quickly moves to change the subject, “Kris, was that you? Oh my lord, was that you? Crack a window for your mama. Whew! The stench! I am feeling faint! That’s a good girl . . . crack a window for your mama.”
This girl kills me.
Oh my. I had so hoped that “crack a window” would have something to do with gas. hehehe
Kallan is quite the trip…LoL
This post makes me giggle helplessly every time I read it.
Kallan KILLS me.
Oh my god.
She just kills me.
I have a HUGE problem with Rihanna’s song S&M. . .
Really? That is the image she wants to portray?
Does she not know that little girls look up to her??
Did she not suffer from abuse?? Doesn’t it seem like that is all she sings about now??
Ugh.
Anyway.
Kallan is hilarious!
You need to secretly voice record her one time and let us hear it.
Hee hee!
Rihanna seems to be troubled.
I agree.
I worry about that girl.
But my daughter’s version of Rihanna’s abhorrent song?
Oh, I love that.
I love it so much.
Ass&M
Hee hee!
Hee hee!
I want to second this voice recording thing!
I am not at ALL sure Kallan would let me do that.
Snort!
OMG she needs to be on stage! HAHA!
Tiffany -
She is something else, this younger daughter of mine.
Something else entirely.
“These pants are riding up something fierce.”
OMFG!
Does Kallan spend much time with seniors?
Cause she’s got my grammie down!
snort.
Cathy -
She does not spend that much time with seniors . . . she talks to her grandparents on the phone all the time, but they do not talk like this.
She is a loon.
Kris
Too, too funny. I want to take your mom to the mall and just listen to her commentary.
OK, you know that’s not my mom talking . . . right?
now we know where Maj gets it. Absolutely. The phrasing, sentence patterns. OMG I.could. die laughing right now.
P.s. miss you. No internet so I need email alerts. I expect Mark to get on that ASAP. Love ya.
Oooh . . . you sent me an email that I never answered.
Tippy-top right hand side of my blog . . . there is a link to receive this blog by email.
My apologies.
Let me know if that works for you.
LOVE that you laughed today.
Love.
Kris
It is not showing on the mobile version my phone displays. What can we do??
Hmmph.
Mark will be home this evening.
I will boss him into helping.
Promise.
Me
Laughed from beginning to end. Too funny. I third the voice recording request. Kallan is so funny in print, I can only imagine what a riot she’d be to hear.
Mary -
I always prefer print to video and audio.
But in person?
Kallan is awesome.
She so is.
Kris
*snort* I love Kallan, yes I do!!!
And Rihanna’s song is disturbing indeed. Your girls’ version, on the other hand… LOL
Rihanna’s song is all kinds of fucked up.
That girl is troubled, pretty sure.
But Kallan?
Kallan is delightfully normal.
According to me.
What?
This is very funny because i have taught my daughter to have a deep southern accent for fun and then we sit around having politically incorrect conversations as southern plantation owners.
THIS…is how you get awesome, fun, intelligent but pretty damn fucked up kids. Congrats…you’re on your way.
LOVE IT
Yay!
I will get exactly what I dreamed of!
Not the fish penis dream I mentioned on Twitter, but the lovely fucked-up children!
What?
I am awesome.
Kris
That is hilarious! I would be dying of laughter. That sounds like an exciting car trip. Also, I don’t like that song either. The girls version is rather amusing.
Kim -
I was gasping for breath.
I so love when I lose my breath to laughter.
Happy sighs.
Kris
I was going to say something incredibly witty and juvenile about farts in vans but then I got utterly distracted by fish penises.
I’ll never sleep again.
OK, here is the dream of which I spoke.
Mark and I are fishing, and every fish we catch, Mark massages the fish until an erect fish penis emerges.
I then place a condom on the fish’s penis (fish are way more well-endowed than you might imagine, by the way).
And then we throw the condommed fish back into the lake.
The consensus on Twitter (where I posted this dream) is that it is a COMPLETELY NORMAL DREAM.
Shut up . . . that was the consensus.
Hush.
Also?
Sleeping with the fishes is always ill-advised.
Snort!
OK. Were they human penises on the fish, like, with little scaly helmets?
Circumcised or not?
Colored condoms? Flavored? Ribbed for her pleasure?
My imagination is reaching a new low here.
Seriously, how are you the first person to wonder?
They were humanish in appearance, but weirdly white and without a head.
So I am guessing not circumcised, but I cannot speak with fish authority on this point.
And the condoms were of the regular Trojan variety.
Except fish-sized.
Snort!
It really is nice to see that I set a precedence.
I’m always thinking about the finer details; it’s what I do.
I am all giggly.
I so thought someone would ask right away.
So happy I can rely on you.
hahahahahaha Kallan! So at first I did think it was your mom and I was like huh, I didn’t really picture that. Then of course I was like Kallan is too funny! Poor Maj, although I love that she joined in the singing.
Hee hee!
Kallan is amazing at impressions.
I am beyond surprised that I have not been called into school to discuss the impression Kallan does of her teacher.
It is hilarious.
Every time, she makes me giggle.
Kris
O and the fish dream, perhaps you were trying to control the fish population? hahaha!
You think?
My dreams are so rarely about taking responsible action of any sort.
Huh.
You do know that fish condoms are incredibly expensive.
They do not sell them in bulk at Costco?
Oh . . . my . . . god.
Check it out:
http://boingboing.net/2010/11/02/for-sale-used-condom.html
giggling out loud over here. lol.
kallan is so funny!!
Yay!
Kallan is awesome.
I don’t know how I would blog without her.
Happy sighs.