I’m sitting on the couch. I have my laptop balanced on my lap, a cup of coffee in one hand, and I am typing one-handed messages to a friend. The smaller dog is snuggled next to me, napping after finally accepting that I will not allow him to sip from my cup.
Mark walks through the room, “I pulled the hamstring in my arm.”
“No, I don’t think you did, babe.”
“How do you know? My arm hurts. I’m sure it’s my hamstring.”
“There is no hamstring in your arm.”
“Are you sure? What’s the arm equivalent of a hamstring, then? That’s what I hurt.”
I giggle as he massages his upper arm, “Your bicep?”
“Yeah, that’s the muscle, but isn’t there a string name?”
I follow him up the stairs, “Maybe another kind of lunch-meat? Maybe you pulled your beefstring.”
He walks into the closet as I giggle, “Fine. I shut the car door too hard and now I am injured, and you just mock me.”
I giggle some more, “You hurt yourself shutting the car door?”
He looks at me and raises his eyebrows, “Yes. I somehow overextended when I shut the door with my ham-arm . . .”
I shriek with laughter, “Your HAM arm?”
“Yes. My ham arm. I shut the door with my ham arm and then I pulled my hamstring.”
I fall backwards onto the bed, still giggling, “You are the most ridiculous man in the world.”
I have to help Mark pack up the trailer for his soap-boxing weekend with the girls.
He needs me, because of his injured ham-arm, and all.
So today, I bring you . . .
Small Bits of Ridiculous Conversation
1) From Kallan, as we flush yet another 20 cent goldfish down the toilet . . .
OK, that’s it! Next time I get a goldfish, it’s going straight into the toilet. It can just swim around in the potty while I pee on it. It will die just as quickly, and that way I get to enjoy owning the fish for a small minute.
She watches the swirling water thoughtfully . . .
Mom? How much more awesome a plan would this be if I was a boy?
2) From Kallan, for no reason whatsoever . . .
Mom, if you were starving to DEATH and someone offered you my eyeballs on a shish-kebab stick, would you eat them? Keep in mind that I would not be able to see you.
3) From Kallan, during a lull in dinner conversation . . .
Could someone please make Maj stop petting her sausage? She is freaking me completely out.
4) From Kallan, at Home Depot, holding two enormous metal spikes as her sister twirls and leaps crazily in the aisle . . .
Are these big enough nails, you think? I need them to be long enough to hold Maj’s feet to the floor so that she never dances again.
5) From Kallan, as she picks up the tiny dry curled body of a baby salamander that somehow made it into our house . . .
I’m just going to put him on the shelf he didn’t quite manage to climb. Poor him. He tried so hard . . . he deserves to live deadly in this place of honor.
6) From Kallan, as she hands back the fortune from my fortune cookie . . .
You’re right. That is a good fortune. But one time, I got a cookie with no fortune at all, and at the end of the day? I was still alive. So you can’t really believe fortune cookie predictions.
7) From Kallan, as she stares incredulously at the TV’s announcement of the American Idol winner . . .
What this tells me is that more girls watch this show than boys, and that girls vote for the cute boy even if he can’t sing. How are girls supposed to win at anything if the girls who are supposed to vote for them get distracted by boy cuteness? That’s so wrong!
And then after a minute . . .
He is cute, though.
8) From Kallan, surveying her family as we walk into the mall . . .
I am by far the most fashionable person in this family.
A few more steps, and then . . .
If I was part of a different family? This news might fill me with pride. Seriously . . . you guys set a very low standard.
9) Kallan, as she stares at her phone and snorts with laughter . . .
This boy just texted me to reassure me that I look nothing like Maj. That’s ridiculous! I look so much like Maj people think we are twins . . . I am pretty sure I am supposed to be flattered that he sees the real me. I am nine but I am not stupid, Mom.
10) Kallan, as she hands me a book report on which she did not get a stellar grade . . .
Listen. Someone needs to talk to my teacher about better appreciating my genius. In between those circles of punctuation correction and notes about sentence structure? There is genius all over the place!
I just noticed all ten of these are from Kallan.
Apparently, Kallan’s been on a roll lately.