Maj calls from the other room, “Mother! You left too soon! I am still in need of assistance!”
“What? I thought you finished your homework.”
“There is stapling to be done, and the stapler is causing trouble.”
“Maj, I am not going to come in there and demonstrate how the stapler works. Figure it out.”
“Mother, one of these days my husband is going to ask me . . . Maj, why don’t you know how to use a stapler? . . . and I am going to have to tell him of your laziness.”
“I am not at all sure that stapling is going to be the biggest issue in your future marriage, Maj.”
“What did you say, Mother?”
“Nothing.”
There is silence for a minute, and then Maj yells, “I got it! I figured it out!”
“Your marriage is saved!”
“Whatever, Mother. OK, so I just need to staple this paper, and then I am all set.”
Ka-chunk, ka-chunk, ka-chunk, ka-chunk.
Silence.
And then I hear, “Uh oh.”
“What do you mean . . . Uh oh?”
“I am sure I can fix this without your assistance, Mother. I just didn’t all the way think this through. Remember the rowing thing? Like that, only with staples. No big deal. Go about your business, Mother. No need to be concerned.”
Uh oh.
The rowing thing . . .
A couple of years ago, during our home-schooling life, I signed the girls up for this awesome boating class. It was a five-day class. Each morning, they would participate in a lecture/science-lab on all things lake and boatish. And then every afternoon, the kids either did nature hikes or got to go out on the adjoining lake in boats.
On one of these days, they got to go out in a dragon boat.
A dragon boat is like a huge fancy row boat, in case you didn’t know.
The instructor had all the kids line up on the dock in two long rows. He told them to imagine that they were in the long boat, and that they needed to learn to work together to row as a team. If they didn’t work together, the boat wouldn’t move across the lake.
The kids all nodded seriously.
He handed them each a large wooden oar.
Yelled out instructions.
And then all the kids started rowing together in the air.
In their invisible boat.
An issue was immediately apparent.
The instructor yelled for everyone to bring their paddles to a resting position.
Everyone did.
The instructor stood at the bow of the invisible boat formed by the two rows of earnest children and their oars. He stared down the middle of the boat at the problem, “So we can see there is a problem, yes?”
The children all agreed there was a problem.
The instructor smiled, “OK, now that we are all on the same page? Let’s try again.”
The kids all started rowing together in the air.
In their invisible boat.
The same obvious issue was immediately apparent.
The instructor yelled for everyone to bring their oars to a resting position.
Everyone did.
The instructor walked over and stood next to Maj, “So I wonder if you might tell me what I am going to point out to you, young lady?”
Maj was stumped and shrugged her shoulders helplessly.
He knelt beside her and gestured with his hands, “So if all of you guys are pretending to row a boat and you all need to work together . . . imagine the boat. Do you see it?”
Maj nodded.
“Do you see the problem?”
Maj stared at the outlines of the invisible boat for a few seconds, stared at all the other kids and their oars, “Oh!”
The instructor laughed kindly, “OK, so what’s the problem?”
Maj giggled and shifted her oar to the other side of her body, “I am rowing inside the boat instead of in the water.”
“Yes!”
In the present day, I walk into the dining room to see Maj staring sadly at her homework.
“So what’s up, babe? It looks nice and stapled . . . all four corners.”
Maj looks up at me worriedly, “Yes, it looks just fine until you try to pick it up.”
Sigh, “So you mean you . . .”
“Stapled it to the table, yes.”
I get a pair of small pliers and carefully pull the four staples out of our lovely wooden table.
Maj is apologetic, “I don’t always see what is going to happen next, Mother.”
I kiss her on the head, “No big deal, babe. But when your future husband gets all cranky about how you are bonking the bottom of the boat with your oar and how water is coming in through the staple holes?”
Maj giggles, “I know, I know. Tell him I came this way.”
Hee hee!
Exactly.
Laughing so hard I’m choking. You have the patience of Job!
Yay!
Love you.
So happy to have made you laugh.
Happy sighs.
Ok, I could be all smirky about the firsty thing, but I won’t chant “First! Hahahah! First!” because I’m all mature like that and also because I’m sick and “ka-chunk ka-chunk ka-chunk” has set me into a coughing fit and I’m quite sure I will die and then you will not only have ruined (and possibly saved) Maj’s future marriage, you will have killed a reader.
And I may or may not have self medicated with bourbon.
Ahem.
Oh, please don’t die!
I need you and your giggles!
Pass the bourbon!
Hee hee!
HA! delightful. I just got home and poured a glass of chilled white wine and needed a laugh. Thank you for that. To the table. lovely.
Ms. e -
Thank you!
Why is everyone drinking except me?
I will have to fix that.
Honest to god giggles over here. You know what they say – proper stapling is the key to a great marriage (who are “they” and why do I claim that they say such oddball things?). I’m all sorts of confused as to what Maj thought she was accomplishing, but the hole in the logic seems to be magic here.
I will explain here what did not seem worth explaining in the post.
Maj had to draw a graph as part of her math assignment.
She messed it all up.
So she cut out a piece of graph paper of the same size as the fucked-up graph and redid the problem.
Then she wanted to staple the new graph on top of the fucked-up one, so that the assignment was all whole.
But the stapler would not reach where she needed it to reach.
So she unfolded the stapler.
Ka-chunk, ka-chunk, ka-chunk, ka-chunk.
To the table.
Sigh.
I have to wonder…
Why did Maj staple all four corners?
And? At least she didn’t staple herself to the table.
Heh.
I explained the four-staple thing in response to John’s question . . . hee hee!
She is such a loon.
Love that silly girl.
That makes sense. Until you actually do the stapling.
Why didn’t she just tape it?
Ooooh . . . you missed the post about how she is not allowed to turn in papers that have tape on them!
I didn’t miss it.
I forgot.
Stupid people in her class {probably boys} were taping their desks.
Kind of silly if you ask me, to ban tape from everyone.
Especially considering that your table is now holey.
Hee hee!
I do love that table.
Sigh.
Holes add character.
I know the holes in my personality make me what I am.
What?
Hush.
Wait.
There are holes in your personality?
Could have fooled me.
Heh.
Hee hee!
Small holes.
Hush.
Staple sized holes?
Hee hee!
Smarty-pants.
I remember the post about “no tape” post – I think if you sent the teacher a note, explaining how the homework assignment ruined your home furniture, you might be able to get a blanket ban on tape, twine, staples, superglue, rubber cement, and floss stitching for homework.
Hee hee!
I should send him the link to this post.
I so should.
Oh man, that was so funny. I can see my oldest doing that…Myself even. Thanks for the laugh!
Laura -
Hee hee!
That girl cracks me up.
So glad you laughed as well.
Yay!
Me
Oh my goodness I love this lol.
Yay!
I needed this laugh – so first thank you for that.
Secondly…. I feel like the adult version of Maj.
I tell my husband all the time – “You don’t have to understand me – you just have to love me” HEHEHEHE.
Danielle -
Oh, I love to hear from adult versions of Maj.
Like me.
Ahem.
Hee hee!
Heehee!
Personally I think blaming all of one’s shortcomings on one’s mother is perfectly acceptable … for me. Not for my son. But obviously … I rule and my mother was just lazy. Ha!
Erin -
Yes, as an adult, I feel free to blame everything that is wrong with me on my parents.
Duh. They fucked up.
But Maj needs to take responsibility for who she is.
Because I AM AWESOME!
Wait.
Huh.
I just need a like button for this.
Snort!
Ah, Maj is always good for a hearty laugh. So perfect.
Maj is always Maj.
She is lovely.
And she makes me giggle.
Love that.
How cute is she?! I love that even sometimes Maj’s brain takes a break!
I know, right?
Maj thinks so much, but then sometimes?
There is a gap.
Just started reading your blog (and it’s awesome!). I was just wondering if your children actually talk like that, and if so, please write a parenting book on how to raise children who are capable of using words with more than two syllables. Seriously, ‘Mother! You left too soon! I am still in need of assistance!’ I know many children, and I doubt any of these kids could use the word assistance. They are a lot more likely to say Mommy, I need help!
My children actually talk this way.
Maj, in particular, has a very adult and formal way of speaking.
She reads endlessly and has a huge vocabulary.
Maj’s way of speaking is likely less about her parents and their skills than about who Maj is.
As I said in the post?
She came this way.
I love Maj and her perfectionist homework finishing. Hopefully she keeps this up. Nice neat homework will be an asset some day. I hate when students come to class and ask me if I have a stapler.
Lindsay -
Just so you know? I have one of the other sort as well.
Kallan was working on a paper last night, and when she finished, she handed me an essay littered with small colored-in hearts and flowers.
She explained that she wanted to make the paper “happy,” but I know the truth.
Each of those hearts and flowers covers a mistake in the essay.
She was too lazy to go in search of an eraser.
Hee hee!
I like Kallan’s explanation better. I love happy papers too!
Her teacher has never complained.
Kallan’s penmanship marks are not stellar, but the teacher does not insist that Kallan’s papers be heart and flower-free.
Kallan has an awesome teacher.
Aw, there is an amazing sweetness in this tale. I can’t explain why it made feel that way. It just did.
Renee -
Happy sighs.
Maj and I have been having some lovely moments lately.
I am delighted you noticed that.
So funny! I’m grinning from ear to ear. I love the banter between you two in this post, and a couple of others that I have read lately. You both seem so in-sync with each other.
I have 3 boys. Your posts with Maj almost makes me want to try for a girl just because I love the relationship between you two.
ALMOST.
Sweet post. I’m still grinning.
Melanie -
Maj and I are not always in sync, but we have had some good moments lately. I mentioned recently I am banking these moments against the storms of puberty that I see on the horizon.
ACK.
Thank you for the love.
Me