Mark watched the movie GI Joe last night.
So not good, people.
So not good.
“Seriously, Mark? A dolly movie?”
Mark is busy adjusting the stereo for maximum dolly battle carnage audio, “What? There are no dollies . . . Action figures!”
“Is this animated?”
“Don’t be silly. This is a manly movie about the military heroes on which the . . .,” and he stops talking as he searches for the proper remote controls to make this movie happen.
So I finish his sentence for him, “Military heroes on which the dollies were based?”
He settles into his chair, “Exactly. Wait . . . what?”
The opening credits come up . . . GI Joe: The Rise of the Cobra
“Mark, you didn’t tell me there was going to be porn! Yay!”
Mark giggles, “Be quiet.”
The opening scene of the movie is set in 1641 (or some year like that . . . a long time ago) and everyone has Scottish accents and there is a man about to be killed for being a weapons dealer to the enemy.
Mark is puzzled, “Apparently, there is a whole GI Joe mythology that requires explanation before we get to the military fighting.”
“I’m thinking the kilts will make access to the Cobra that much easier.”
“Stop mocking my movie!”
Hee hee!
OK, so then there is a scene that maybe you people can help me understand. This scene comes up in a lot of Mark’s movies. Check it out . . .
A man has been captured by ruthless people who have shown no mercy to any other character who has appeared on screen. Dead, dead, dead. The man who has been captured is all strong and heroic despite his certain fate, “Kill me! You will never get what you want! I will never bow down to you! I spit in the face of death! Do it! Bring it, you evil bastard! Bring it!”
And then instead of bringing it? The bad guy announces that he will torture or maim the prisoner in some way, but not actually kill him. This then sets up the battle of good v. evil and allows the movie to progress past this kilt-wearing gay porn part.
I get that.
What I don’t get is why the prisoner always screams in terror at this point.
Did he not think that the expected death was going to suck rather badly?
Why is he so stoic about death but so wussy about a hot molten silver mask being sealed to the skin of his face?
Which reminds me of that joke about the three scientific explorers who are out searching for snakes in the jungle. They are taken captive by a horrid tribe of meanies, and the king of the tribe offers them two choices . . . Unga Bunga or death.
OK, and here common sense steps in and suggests that if I relate this entire joke, I am going to piss some people off rather badly. Because anal rape is not funny, people. Ahem.
Anyway, my point is that the prisoners in movies always seem to think that death is going to hurt less than the alternative.
Why do they never think that it may be death by Unga Bunga?
That shit hurts.
Ahem.
Anyway . . . Mark’s movie continues.
So much fighting, people.
The bad guys keep saying things like, “Get the Joes!” and “Kill all the Joes!” and “Damn the Joes!”
That cracks me up.
I mock quietly.
The futuristic evil nightmare world-ending weapon (and there is always such a weapon in these sorts of movies) is something called a nanomite. I don’t pay close attention, but nanomites are apparently green and tiny and remote-controlled and voracious and capable of eating entire cities.
EEK!
Speaking of mites (which I did not actually get to do last night, because Mark told me to be quiet and stop interrupting the Joes) . . .
Mark and I bought a house together not long before we got married.
One of the things I really wanted to do once we had a house was get a dog.
I had this vision of Mark and me as all normal and suburban, and that image required a dog for completion.
We got a Dalmatian puppy . . . the cutest puppy in the history of the world.
She was exceptionally cute for about three months, and then she started to lose all of her fur.
Just so you know? A hairless Dalmatian is significantly less cute than the haired version.
Did you know that a Dalmatian’s skin is actually colored like its fur?
So the dog still had spots; she was just pink and black instead of white and black.
Like I said . . . not as cute.
For the next two years, we fought a losing battle against the culprits . . . Demodex mites.
So much money spent.
Sigh.
It was humiliating to take this dog anywhere.
I remember one time when the Demodectic Mange (isn’t that an awesome name?) was really bad, a man stopped me on the street to ask, “Your dog is pink! Is that what Dalmatians are supposed to look like?”
I was so pissed, and so I said, “Weird, right? Everyone thinks Dalmatians are white and black because of the Disney movie, but if you actually see one in real life? It’s pink.”
Asshole.
Where was I?
Yes! The futuristic weapon of mass destruction in the movie. Nanomites.
I am just having a very hard time taking the threat seriously, because I keep imagining that everyone in the nanomite target zone would just lose all of their hair and be all pink and hairless and smooth.
The movie continues. I stop paying attention for a good long stretch.
The movie starts to wrap up, and there is a scene in which the main bad guy has his back to the camera and then says, as he slowly turns to face the lens, “The time has come for The Cobra to rise and reveal himself!”
And still?
There was no porn.
So disappointing.
Although, now that I read what I have written here?
I realize that there could never be GI Joe porn.
GI Joes are all pink and hairless and smooth down there . . . all eaten away.
I remember this from playing with the dollies.
Someone looking to find a cobra?
Would be mitey disappointed.
Ahem.
Damn those Nanomites – damn them all to hell.
Next time my hubby tries to watch one of his dumb movies, I’m totally going to bring out the toilet humor, just to piss him off.
I’ll blame you.
Toilet humor?
Wikipedia says that Toilet humor is is a type of off-colour humour dealing with defecation, urination, and flatulence, and to a lesser extent vomiting and other body functions.
Ummm . . .
I say go with sexual humor.
But that’s just me.
Snort!
Although whichever way you go?
Blame me!
Hee hee!
Don’t split hairs with me either, Kris.
I don’t like being confused – I prefer pure ignorance – I’ve heard it’s bliss.
What?
I thought bliss was a day on which your children are off with their father and won’t be back until dinnertime.
I’m pretty sure I’m right.
I am all alone and blissful.
Don’t hate.
Actually, I thought it was when they were off, away at University – then directly to their own apartments.
I could never hate. x
Yes, but when that happens?
I will miss them terribly.
Right now, just for the day?
That absence is just perfect.
Kris, we share the exact same definition of bliss.
Happy sighs.
It was perfect.
LOL!!! Love it. Woof!
Snort!
Plus also?
::bark::
I love bad movies.
But I draw the line at this one.
Even I have standards.
Pretty low, but still.
Ummm . . .
You have standards?
Huh.
Well, I’m here, aren’t I?
That was kind of my point.
If I have managed to meet your standards?
They are low indeed.
Glad you said it, so I wouldn’t have to.
I didn’t want to make TOO much fun of you.
I was going to let you have the last word, except I am only capable of doing that if I ANNOUNCE that I am allowing you to have the last word.
So ummm . . .
Yeah.
This is me all mature.
Shut up.
What is it with men and crappy movies?
Jackass 3 is sitting by the TV just waiting for Randall to watch.
And I know that I will be sitting there beside him when he is ready to watch it.
Also? I will be silently mocking the whole thing.
Oh my god.
The Jackass movies? Really?
I am suddenly all impressed with Mark’s cinematic tastes.
REALLY?
Really.
Jackass 3.
REALLY.
I hang my head in shame.
You can let Mark know that someone has him beat when it comes to movies.
Heh.
Guess what, though?
Mark thinks he has FABULOUS taste in movies, and that the failure is with me.
He is an idiot.
Cute.
But an idiot.
Um yeah, my hubs tried (unsuccessfully) to talk me into seeing Jackass 3D in the theater. I think that is the LAST movie I would want to see in 3D. My idea of fun doesn’t involve ducking from 3D poo & vomit. Plus I don’t think I could continue eating my popcorn, imagining 3D poo particles mixing with the butter. No thank you sir.
YOU SAW JACKASS IN 3D????
I am mocking you.
Oh my god.
That’s like a nightmare to imagine.
No, he was VERY unsuccessful in talking me into it. He would have had to drug me to get me into THAT theater! Then, my drug-induced drool would have alerted the ticket clerk, or, so I would hope.
I cannot believe I got so distracted by the name of that movie that I missed the fact that you said you didn’t even go.
I am lame.
But seriously . . . I got all worried.
Whew!
No worries. I am the queen of doing that. Usually publicly. I consider it entertainment for everyone else. :D
Yay!
I do love to offer up my own inattention and stupidity for everyone else’s entertainment!
Wait.
What?
It’s apparently VERY fun for me too.
Snort!
Lame? No. Fabulous? Yes.
Awww . . .
Thank you.
Kris,
You made me laugh. And then I thought, “OH NO! What if the Crack Puppy gets Demodectic Mange? Thousands in vet bills!” The pink hairless dog and I would be living under that dark, cold bridge earlier than expected.
Bill
Bill -
I am so giggly at the image of you and your pink hairless dog living under the bridge.
OH MY GOD, that sounds inappropriate.
Snort!
There has to be a porn movie called that… I kill myself laughing at some of the titles on the tv listings sometimes – really bad but ooooohhhhhh so funny.
“Weird, right? Everyone thinks Dalmatians are white and black because of the Disney movie, but if you actually see one in real life? It’s pink.”
BWAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ohmygawd it would have been so funny to watch the guys face as you walk away shaking your head. The ones liners you come up with are da bomb.
Yah, I know, that shows my age doesn’t it?!?!
M
Yes.
I am da bomb.
Silly you.
Although the man to whom I delivered that one-liner?
Pretty sure he thought I was a bitch.
Bomb . . . bitch . . . either works for me.
Ahem.
OK, I am not going to provide links . . .
But a Google search of Cobra + Porn?
Yeah.
LOTS.
I don’t mind being called bitch – as I am a bitch. I own the word… makes it easier for me.
What about da bomb bitch.
Now – THAT would be a porn title. Probably a little S&M but there you go.
M
ps – if he was stupid enough to ask that question he probably thought about your answer while scratching his head. Doubt he even got to bitch.
Yea!! Now I off to google…
Maybe one will have GI Jo and the other dollies in it..
Oh doll porn would not be good, I mean seriously most don’t have the right parts for crying out loud…
M
Oh, if you find a link to GI Joe doll porn?
Come back and share that loveliness.
Swoon!
Just take a peak at the cartoon network after 9pm: Animal Swim. They have action figure porn. Damn, I can’t remember the name of it though. It’s so wrong. Almost as wrong as me watching it for 20 minutes with my mouth hanging open. I don’t know what was worse; the dialog. the ‘action figures’ screwing. action figures naked, or that they run it on a channel called cartoon network.
Animated porn however, hilarious….
I NEED A LINK!
Hold on . . let me see if I can find it for myself.
SEE! Animal Swim??? I’m going to go seek therapy. It’s called Adult Swim.
Holy shit there is something up with me tonight. Maybe something was slipped into my tea.
Snort!
That will speed up my Google search, that correction.
Silly you.
And if that isn’t enough to horrify you, look up Robot Chicken. Yes people, claymation chicken porn.
Wait? Why do I know so much about this channel?
http://www.adultswim.com/americaloveslists/rc_superheroes/
Robot Chicken… that’s what it was called. Had to google it myself.
Robot Chicken comes up as not allowed in my country when I tried to click from YouTube.
But I found this . . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFnQrPWoP1k
I’m not clicking that link…I’m sooo not.
But your link worked!
Awesomeness!
Thank you!
I’m about to reveal my awful sense of humor. I giggled when you said anal rape! But this is not funny kids. The moral of this story is always pick death.
Exactly, Russell.
Exactly.
Always pick death.
Snort!
I googled g.i. joe doll porn. Not much to look at. Apparently joe gets it on with barbie. I knew Ken was gay.
But Ken has the safari outfit!
Wait.
Oh.
Never mind.
I can see that revelatory look in your eyes. Its no surprise that he loved Barbie’s pink Corvette so much.
Hmmm.
He never did actually object when I dressed him up in Barbie’s ball gown.
Cort watches bad movies too. But they are the ones that cause this conversation:
Cort:”look! Paul Rudd! This CAN’T be bad!”
Me: “I’ve never heard of this. What the hell?”
Cort: “But…Paul Rudd! So funny, right?”
Me: “probably not.”
Cort: “It’s going to be great.”
And then? Zero funny. Totally terrible. Complete reason why no one has ever heard of it.
You would think we would learn.
But last weekend? We watched Year Zero because Jack Black is in it and that guy from Juno.
NOT FUNNY.
Sigh.
Katie -
I am not big on movies, so I rarely select the movies we watch.
Leaving me free to mock.
Ahem.
But when I do pick movies?
Mark falls asleep.
So yeah . . . whatever.
Bring on the dolly porn.
yeah, I never pick the movies either.
And this is why this week? we watched a documentary. I read a book. and looked up from time to time to mock.
Yes.
Next up?
Inception.
Sigh.
I have seen Inception.
I thought it was good.
But I don’t pick the greatest movies either.
Heh.
Sigh.
Inception is a great movie! But I will not admit to liking gi joe. Wait, what?
Mmm hmmm.
I see you.
I think it was actually called Year One. But I didn’t see that one either.
Hey don’t give me that look!
I am so giving you that look.
I might be convinced to watch even a bad movie than sit through another evening of the fifty bajilionth reruns of Cops.
The other alternative is two hours of channel surfing. The husband hates movies (he says) of any kind. Yet he can give me dialogue from some strange shit he watched in the middle of the night while I slept.
Also, the daughters husband keeps spiderman and wolverine dollies, um, action
figures. What. Ever.
Cops reruns?
I am mocking you.
And Mark is NEVER up in the middle of the night.
That would be me. Ahem.
And your daughter’s husband?
Ummm . . . that’s fucked up.
What. Ever.
So Mark liked to play with dolls? Why must they insist on calling them action figures? They’re little plastic dolls!
Your story also reminds me of a night that I was lucky enough to pick the movie. I refused to tell him the name prior to getting settled on the couch with wine & popcorn. I did tell him (ok.. I lied) that it was a WW2 Movie set in Europe. He stupidly believed me, even when the opening scene showed an open field of sunflowers. He believed me right up until Diane Lane started talking about her life falling apart.
The movie was Under The Tuscan Sun & he never let me pick the movie again without him reading the back cover.
Natalie -
I don’t even know if Mark had GI Joes when he was a kid! I will have to ask him.
And generally, when I get to pick the movie?
Mark falls asleep.
Although truthfully?
I think I remember seeing the promos for Under the Tuscan Sun . . .
We both might have fallen asleep if I had chosen that movie.
Was it good?
It wasn’t bad- typical Chick Flick. She gets a divorce & moves to Italy to find herself, falls in love, etc.
And typically Joe falls asleep & is snoring within 5 minutes of watching one of my movies. Which totally ruins my movie experience b/c I spend the entire 2 hours poking him trying to make him shut up.
I read the book.
Ummm . . . boring.
As for the snoring?
Yeah.
Been there.
Ok, again. I am a most sick and twisted individual. When I saw anal rape, I read.. I have no idea what I read. But I saw a jungle and a big ass ape…not rape, APE. and I had to re-read like 3 times, cause I didn’t know a man being raped by an ape is called Unga bunga.
What?! I think it is time to lower the resolution on my computer screen.
As to men and their choice of movies: Army of Darkness….
I need say nothing more.
You are beyond silly!
Rape Ape is like Grape Ape . . . So now I am thinking disturbingly inappropriate thoughts about a Saturday cartoon.
Thank you for that, weirdo you.
Snort!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Great_Grape_Ape_Show
What?!
The titular character….
Who the hell uses the term “titular character” about a cartoon?
I’m becoming all kinds of messed up now.
Yay!
My work here is done.
And I present to you…
grape rape!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fqq051BU2MY
Oh my god!
How did you find that?
That is so very very amazing!
People! Go watch that!
I actually am not nearly as youtube savvy as I seem.
My husband’s 13 year old brother told us about it.
I pretty much get all of my “what’s going on with you youngsters these days” knowledge from him.
Apparently the grapist is quite a sensation at his middle school.
Hmmmm.
I will need to check with Kallan and Maj and see if they have ever heard of the Grapist.
Hee hee!
I AM GOING TO GRAPE YOU IN THE MOUTH!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
So funny.
I may have to send that out on twitter in a bit.
I love that.
My letdown in the GI Joe movie was complete. I mean, I questioned whether I ever liked the cartoon or the damn action figures growing up. Such a disappointment. Along with the Scooby Doo movies.
I have something to say about death by Unga Bunga & anal sex & all that’s encapsulated, but I know this is a family blog and I haven’t had enough coffee just yet.
Hee hee!
This is a family blog of the “come back and share what you were going to say” sort!
Come back here and say what you were going to say!
What to say, what to say.
I had a college roommate who started telling the Unga Bunga joke. He got really, really into it (he was a musician) dancing around, chanting “unga bunga unga bunga.” It was really an entertaining dramatic performance. I, knowing the unga bunga joke, realized he was stalling at some point – I didn’t know if he was looking to draw us in further (seriously, one of the girls there was watching him like a hawk, but it was likely because she wanted him and not for this specific oration).
After 10 minutes, he looks up in horror. I knew he had forgotten where he was going . . . the delay tactic (and, um, maybe the grain margaritas) doing its job too well, even on the story teller. He looks at the girl who was watching his every movement and mumbles “and they fuck him up the ass and he dies”.
About anal sex, I have a very sexually liberated friend – she had a kid and was in a follow-up OBGYN appointment. The doc asked her if she needed birth control & she claimed no. This girl is the chick who convinced me that writing erotic fiction isn’t really a bad thing, she exudes sex. The doc wasn’t convinced that she didn’t need birth control. She responded, quite clearly, “he’s only allowed to put it in my ass until I’m done breast feeding.” According to her, the doctor burst out laughing and asked her if she knew of the dangers for a male partner in anal sex (in short, use a condom because there be icky bacteria).
What she didn’t tell the doctor was that, every time he got to “put it in her ass,” she got to put the strap-on (to go to another recent blog post) in his.
You have the best stories, John.
The best stories.
Yay!
I know. I watched ‘The Rise of Cobra’ and not ONE little Indian guy playing a flute.
Gyp.
Total gyp.
Total.
I did not like Inception. I thought it was a disappointment….
What is GI Joe rated? Would Ben like it?
hmmm
I just saw The King’s Speech and I loved it.
that is all
I will keep you posted about Inception. It looks like a movie that will give me nightmares. I hate that kind of movie.
As for GI Joe . . . it is rated PG-13 and your son would probably love it. It is a ridiculous movie filled with unrealistic everything. Plus women dressed in way-tight outfits who fight sexily. Snort!
The King’s Speech?
I don’t even know what that is.
I need to take some control of our Netflix queue.
I keep saying that, but I never do.
Sigh.
i thought GI-Joe was absolutely hilarious… especially the part at the end when the previously-evil lady essentially said “SORRY GUYS LET MY EMOTIONS RUN AWAY WITH ME. MY BAD FOR BEING A WOMAN.”
haha yeeeeeeeah.
Beki -
I loved that character’s glasses, didn’t you?
She was like every boy’s library/slut fantasy.
With a little sociopath thrown in for fun.
Snort!