I woke the other morning with serious lower back pain.
Just hideous.
I figured I had pulled something without realizing it, so I just tried to take it easy.
By the end of the day, I began to make plans in my mind for a new mattress. Or a new desk chair. I just couldn’t seem to get comfortable. I started thinking maybe I needed to take up yoga or something. I should start exercising more. Start getting up early and walking around the neighborhood.
Ow.
Went to bed that night thinking maybe this back pain was the beginning of a kidney stone.
Woke the second day all achy and stiff. No sign of a kidney stone.
What the fuck?
It felt like my muscles were all bunched and jammed into my spinal cord, with pain radiating out across my lower back. It seemed like I could feel my body curling over in an attempt to relieve the pain . . . like a rubber band within my body was being pulled taut and the only way to get some flexibility was to bend into the tension.
And then I became obsessed with the notion that . . .
This is how those old ladies end up bent over and hunched! One day they are fine and then the old-lady pain comes, and they bend over to relieve that pain and then they never straighten again! AUGH! This means I am getting old!
Fuck that.
I am young and girlish.
So I spent a few hours walking around the house as tall as I could be.
Mark and the girls stared at me curiously.
“What? This is how I always walk. Yes, I do. I like to imagine there is a string on the top of my head that pulls my whole body into a nice straight line. Yes, I do. Yes, I HAVE always walked like this, like a dancer, all tall and graceful. What? Yes, I have. Also, I like to do stretches as I go about my day . . . to help me stay lithe and limber. What? Yes, I do. Shut up.”
Ow.
Eventually, I sank into a chair and curled up in a little self-pitying ball.
I may or may not have then wept ugly tears about how I was getting old and useless and also chubby and about how my vertebrae were all turning to chalk and about how soon I would be all hunched-over and humpy-backed and uncute and about how I should never have Googled “spinal cord disintegration” because nothing good could possibly have come from that search and I am doooooooooomed and my back hurts sooooo much.
This is Mark . . . pat, pat, pat.
AUGH! Get away from me with your lame-ass patting and your judgmental silence!
Mark is so fucking useless.
Sigh.
I realized I really am all alone in this life.
All . . . alone.
I wept some more, hating Mark for not working harder to make me feel better.
Asshole.
When did I get so chubby, anyway?
I wept some more.
All that crying gave me a headache.
A bad headache.
So I went to bed for a few hours.
Sometimes a nap puts things in perspective.
I went downstairs to find Mark, “Hey, babe.”
He looked up from his book, “You feeling better?”
“Ummm . . . turns out that my spinal cord disintegration may have actually been a sign that I was about to get my period.”
Marks snorts with laughter, “I thought so.”
Sigh.
I sit down on the couch next to him, “How do you know and I don’t know?”
Mark holds up fingers as he lists . . .
“Back pain. Cramping. Overly emotional and tragic. Hostility. Feeling fat. Headache. Exhaustion.”
Huh.
“How am I possibly 45 years and so incredibly clueless? I am going to end up in menopause without ever having gotten a handle on this menstruation thing.”
Mark laughs, “I have no idea how you are always surprised. I am never surprised.”
“Well then why don’t you ever tell me?”
Mark stares at me, eyebrows raised, “Because I would like to continue to live.”
Snort!
Asshole.
Funny though.
I start to giggle helplessly . . . so hard that I am unable to explain to Mark why I am laughing.
He stares at me and then turns back to his book, “It’s just as well you are not the President of the United States.”
What?
What an asshole!
But so funny.
I am dead.
Dead on the floor.
And then from down there on the floor where I am dead?
More giggling.
Luckily, I was wearing a pad at this point.
Ahem.
Sigh.
This is why we have a safety zone around Mrs. H., when she’s going through a fibromyalgia flare, which is these days come to think of it. :)
Hope you feel better. Suggest not letting back pain persist for long. It’s sometimes not your spine.
Best.
A safety zone?
Ooooh . . . I need a safety zone!
My back is much better today, thank you.
And why does your link not work?
I just get “Page not found.”
What’s up with that?
Me
I am always taken by surprise.. always.
Back pain SUCKS!!!!!
You only get it one day, right?
M
ps- I personally think guys couldn’t live thru one cycle… one cramp and they’d be running for the vicodin.
As I mentioned in my tags, my period has been less inclined to stay on a 28 day cycle lately.
Perimenopause, the doctors tell me . . . the possibly ten-year period of time before menopause in which my body just occasionally goes wonky and haywire.
So my symptoms have changed lately as well.
Sigh.
Annoying.
I am always taken by surprise.
Which sounds so naughty!
Hee hee!
Ahem.
Me
Funny, a friend of mine and I were talking about peri-menopause and when it could kick in as neither of us hit 28 days. Mind you, I never hit the 28 day cycle anyway… but as it has gotten strange and we are both over 40 we have begun to wonder.
I have not been taken by surprise THAT way in a while which is a crying shame.. *sigh*
I snorted when I read that line the first time… but then – my mind goes into the gutter first off. Mayor of the Gutter you know.
M
The period thing? Mine was always so regular that went it started going weird on me a few years ago, I was all worried and convinced I was dying.
I am insane that way.
My gynecologist LAUGHED AT ME.
As in full-on gales of laughter.
Wiping tears from her eyes laughter.
That was a good day.
It is always a good thing to make someone laugh that hard. It makes me feel good watching them when I do it…
You must be used to that by now considering how many times |I have laughed my fool head off and that’s just me!
M
I would have felt a lot more awesome about making her laugh that hard if my feet had not been in stirrups at the time.
Sigh.
I am so irregular that I am always surprised if/when I get a period.
I know, TMI.
Also probably TMI? I had a very weird dream about you last night. I think it stemmed from our little chat on twitter. Heh.
And? You are SO not old. Not old at all.
Ooooh . . .
I will need dream details.
Get back here!
OK.
We were at someones house. Your family and mine and we were all spending the night.
You and I decide that we need to do laundry so we go to a laundromat.
We wash clothes and then take them back to the house to dry them.
Suddenly we’re in the kitchen and you say, “See? I am jumping up and down and it’s not even bothering you!”
I giggle.
Then we all start getting ready for bed. Out of nowhere, you start doing backflips.
I stare all amazed and maybe a tiny bit jealous.
The timer on the dryer goes off and I go get the clothes.
And then? I woke up.
There is more but I can’t remember it all.
But I woke up giggly.
Hee hee.
Hee hee!
I love when I appear all hopping and back-flipping and laundry-doing in someone else’s dreams!
YAY!
Yay and giggles!
I can always tell. My husband gets a week’s notice. I feel that if I then proceed to act like a bitch, LIKE I WARNED HIM I WOULD, all’s fair. No?
Erin -
I can sometimes tell, but I never get a pass for acting like a bitch.
Even if I warn Mark that bitchiness is about to occur.
That’s fucked up.
Hee hee!
Me
No, I never really get a pass either but that doesn’t stop me from trying.
By the way I wanted to draw and post Sir Loin, but my son decided to give up napping this weekend … sigh.
Secretly?
I do get away with more shit than I would ever agree to take from Mark.
Shhhh.
No reason for him to know this.
Shhhh.
Also . . . How old is your son?
The girls both gave up naps at about one year.
I barely remember naps.
Don’t tell me this. He’s 16 months… I am not ready for a napless wonder!
Erin -
Maj was always a terrible napper, and she was just DONE with naps at 12 months.
Done with naps long before her sister arrived.
Kallan was an awesome napper, but at about 12 months, she was also just done.
And then it was actually easier to have them both on about the same schedule.
12 hours awake.
And then 12 hours sleeping.
IT WAS AWESOME!
I never get bitchy passes with but he expects asshole passes anytime he wants. . .you know, stressed out,bad nights’ sleep, etc
The union is considering strike.
Mark is rarely an asshole.
He is calm and even-tempered almost all of the time.
It is kind of annoying.
That is us here too.
I have a girly bits appt this week. Weeks and weeks ago I carefully counted out the days to make sure it was on a good day. Then I had two 25-day cycles and now my appt is on day 28. If I’d had a third 25 day cycle it woulda been ok, but it judging from the annoying combination of cramps and horniness, I should go ahead and reschedule.
Yes, I said cramps and horniness. The latter is what usually clues my hubby in. Best night of the month, but hell to pay next day.
Karen -
This post was not about hormones as they relate to horniness.
But . . . ummmm . . . yeah.
That’s something else I generally only notice looking back.
Hee hee!
If Mark notices? He is wisely quiet.
And yeah . . . gynecologist appointment on your period?
Been there, done that.
Not fun.
Me
Yes – damn good thing you were wearing a pad!
That Mark of yours is very observant – and wise not to say a damn fucking thing about it. He knows what side his bread is buttered on. LOL
Mine don’t notice shit. I once lost 60lbs and he didn’t even notice that until I put on my “fat” pants for him to show him… then, he was all Keanu Reeves circa every movie he’s ever been in and gave me a “Wwwwwhoa!”
Snnnnort.
Mark is very observant and wisely quiet.
And did you just say that you lost 60 pounds and your husband didn’t notice?
What . . . the . . . fuck?
Yeah – I can store it away like a Pachyderm. I can gain/lose at least 30 sometimes before I even notice – but 60? I know, right?
If anything else, he should have noticed when I was on top of him! HA!
I am short, granted.
But I gained about 60 pounds when I was pregnant with Kallan.
Really.
And there was NOOOOOO way for that weight to have gone unnoticed.
And when I lost that weight?
I would have KILLED Mark if he had not noticed.
Killed him dead.
It really is different with a smaller frame. If my friend gains 10lbs, her whole face puffs out. I’m built like a brick shithouse. I barely drop a full dress size even after losing 20lbs! I still haven’t entirely figured out where it’s all stored. Ugh.
Oh my god . . . I have not heard that phrase in forever.
My dad used to use that phrase to refer to a curvaceous and appealing woman.
Built like a brick shithouse.
How is that a phrase?
So goofy.
YEA! That’s me. I’m a curvaceous and appealing woman… that could also easily play professional football. Gorgeous, darling! LMAO.
I just adore you.
Ooooh! Me too! Me too! …altho, I think they would frown on a 5-month-preggo woman playing professional football…which is a shame because I could probably get to the end zone pretty easy (assuming I could actually run that far. Ahem). I mean, who’s going to tackle the pregnant brick shithouse??
Who’s going to tackle the pregnant brick shithouse?
So much giggling.
TOUCHDOWN!
If men had periods, menstruation would be a religious ritual.
When I was married, sometimes when my wife was on her period I would make sure I stopped at the store on the way home from work and got a couple bags of potato chips and some chocolate.
The reason why I only did it sometimes was because I didn’t want it to become an entitlement and not be special.
When I arrived home, I would throw the chips and candy into the house, and then run. Like feeding a tigress.
OK, I was so feeling you.
I was thinking you were all awesome and lovely and sensitive.
And then you had to go and say you didn’t want your wife to feel entitled.
Hee hee!
That you PURPOSELY did not get her these items in certain months?
That cracks me up.
Kris
Yeah, well, notice I said when I WAS married. Ahem.
I did notice that, babe.
I so noticed that.
And doesn’t it sort of piss you off that once it arrives all is right with the world? I am 48. Me and the moon still on that same 28 day cycle. What’s up with that? My husband knows too but never tells me either. The bastard. God save him if he ever did!
Teri -
Yes, yes it does.
I get all worked up and tragic and emotional and then . . . “Wait, what the hell was I so worked up about, anyway? Life is good!”
And your husband is as smart as mine.
Very smart.
I cannot IMAGINE the fury I would unleash on him if he tried to tell me I was hormonal or in some way acting “unreasonable” for any reason that he foresaw and I didn’t. Maybe this is why they don’t “warn” us…
It appears that husbands who stay husbands?
Have learned to keep their mouths shut about what they notice.
Hee hee!
I have been caught unaware more times than I care to mention. You think blinding rage and/or tears for no reason or a bad bad commercial would give a girl a heads up but no. Apparently oblivious is the new symptom. Or maybe not so new…who’s to say?
My husband knows too. Fucker.
However, he does not have the foresight to get me provisions like the other kind gentleman who commented earlier. If Ryan did that? Especially if he just threw it in the house and left me alone in my misery and irrationality? I would be more than pleased. He breathes unreasonably loud when I’m PMSing. And is too loud when he opens a granola bar. It’s almost unbearable really.
Angela -
Yes! Obliviousness is the new symptom!
As for the other?
Mark types too loudly at certain times of the month. He stares at me oddly. Plus, his feet are clompier than usual.
Don’t get me started on the sounds he makes when he eats chips.
It’s horrific.
LOL. for this reason (as well as the anti-fetus-uterus-inhabitance-powers)….i love my IUD!! period – once, or twice a year. still some hormone shifts, but nothing like before. love it! think i’ll keep it in forever! ;) well, not this EXACT one, that’d just be gross. ;)
IUDs scare the crap out of me.
EEK!
Not even.
I am a loon and completely unreasonable, and I am aware my fear is completely irrational.
EEK!
I usually do not consider myself to be a stupid woman and yet I never figure this shit out until I’m actually bleeding.
I’ll be yelling at the washing machine, getting teary-eyed while explaining that we are OUT OF WHEAT BREAD and then I’ll mumble that the damn dogs don’t REALLY appreciate me even as they are licking my face (with the same tongue they use on their butts, of course).
And then.
“Oh. Right. I remember now.”
Thirty years and it still takes me by surprise.
Duh.
YES YES YES YES YES YES!
Exactly like that.
We are out of wheat bread!
::sob::
Exactly like that.
Irregular and too early … gack!
Ocasionally I get that kind of back pain. So much funlessness. yup, funlessness.
Also, I had a psych prof who had a theory about guys actually having periods, but in the nose … um what?
Funlessness should so be a word.
Because I have so experienced the funlessness of which you speak.
As for this professor of yours?
What?
I need details.
Ok so my prof, among all the interesting and sexual stuff he told us, said something about guys having their noses engorged with blood, and he believed that that was a guy having his period. He also, during the first year he was hired, told the then president’s wife, after she asked him how much of Freud he was in to, “I don’t think too much of the agression part …”
Somehow after 40+ years he is still there. ha!
THAT IS INSANE!
Nose periods?
Ewwwwwww.
Related note?
That professor sounds rather awesome.
Oh yes, pretty awesome, and much talked about.
I thought so.
Love that.
When my gf is having that special time every month I like to get a special apartment for the week just for me. Kidding but I am in the living room more often. I can’t imagine how not fun it can be for you ladies. Sorry about the back pain.
Mark would never leave the bedroom.
But I do.
For Mark’s safety, I often leave the bedroom for the couch.
Ahem.
Kris
“Because I would like to continue to live.”
Yep.
Bill
Hee hee!
You are a smart man.
Me
My irrational pain-in-the-fat-irrational-ness is generally limited to about two days.
Which is good or I would fucking kill someone.
Yes, that is generally the case.
Two days.
That said?
I have more free-floating hormones lately.
They just attack at will.
Mark is loving it at our house.
Ahem.
And is he jittery with anticipation of the 3 woman household in his future?
We live close enough for my husband to walk over to his office. Now, he was completing his dissertation and establishing tenure/writing a book when the girls were in high school. Supposedly THAT is why he used to go back to the office so much. But I think it was the hormone fog in the house.
Mark is quietly joyful.
Snort!
It’s either joy or terror.
He’s been all hush-hush on the details of the emotion that has him all jittery.
Hee hee!
Me