I am snuggled up with Mark.
Spooning . . . I am the inside spoon, because the other way is just ridiculous.
Bedtime.
Nude . . . I know you will get all distracted wondering about the jammie situation, so let’s just get that out of the way.
Mark is running his hand from my shoulder down my side to my hip and then back up again.
It’s sexy the first time.
It’s sexy the second time.
But he’s on about the 25th circuit of this particular path.
He is driving me insane, and not in a good way. It’s like he’s running endless laps on a tiny race course . . . same path, same turns, same speed, same touch. Annoying.
“Mark? Why don’t I get you a Hot Wheel so this at least makes sense?”
He stops his hand and speaks into my ear, “What?”
“Yes, I will get you a tiny car and you can race it around the course you have traced into my body with your touch. Awesomely sexy, by the way.”
“It’s called foreplay, smart-ass.”
I make little mocking car sounds, “Vroom, vroom, vroom.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
He rolls away, “OK, so then let’s talk about that stupid Jack-dog of yours. He keeps getting up earlier and earlier every morning. Was it 5:45 this morning when he started barking? And you go down there and feed him and put him out and then bring him up to bed with you just as I am getting up.”
Uh oh.
“Ummmm, Mark? Maybe we should have that sex after all. Shhhhh . . . it’s sexier when you don’t talk.”
Mark laughs, “Seriously, Kris. You are rewarding bad behavior.”
I sigh, “I know. I know.”
“You bought that muzzle . . . I thought we agreed you were going to use that on him in the morning.”
“OK, but I have to go down there to put the muzzle on him, and then when I get there it seems cruel not to let him go potty because if I don’t let him go potty guaranteed he is going to shit in his crate and then prance in it. So I let him out and then he thinks it’s time to eat and he convinces Persie it’s time to eat and then they both look at me with hopeful sad eyes so I feed them. Then Persie goes back to bed and Jack jumps for me to pick him up . . . I’m supposed to muzzle him and shove him back in his crate?”
“Yes.”
“But he’s so cute and snuggly and he never barks when I bring him up to bed with me.”
“You do realize he is training you, right?”
“But he’s so cute!”
“Why does he keep getting up earlier and earlier?”
“Probably because the sun’s been coming up earlier . . . once the laundry room lights up, it’s time to start the day.”
“He needs a blindfold.”
I giggle, “So your plan is that the dog is shock-collared, muzzled, and blind-folded?”
Mark laughs, “OK, that does sound bad.”
Silence for a minute, and then Mark has an idea, “We could shut him in the dryer! It’s dark in there. Shock-collared and muzzled in the dryer!”
“I so hope no one reports us when I write about this.”
“What?”
“Nothing. Dryer is a bad idea, because what if he has one of his poo-prancing episodes?”
“Washer is dark as well. We’ll just run a cycle before we let him out.”
Snort!
Mark plumps his pillow and prepares to go to sleep, “So stupid, that dog. A little light comes into his room and he thinks it’s time to start the day. Barks his damn head off. So annoying.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
We lie in the dark for a few minutes.
I am not at all sleepy, “Hey, you mind if I read a book for a while?”
“Go ahead.”
I grab my book and turn the dimmer switch on my bedside lamp so that there is a dull glow. I try to read, but I don’t have enough light, “Babe, you mind if I turn the light up a little bit? The text is small in this book. I need more light.”
“What do I care? My eyes are closed. Go ahead.”
I turn the light up.
“BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!”
“Oh my god, Mark . . . you scared the crap out of me!”
“IT’S MORNING! IT’S A NEW DAY! FEED ME!”
So much giggling.
“BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!”
So. . . much . . . giggling.
So then there was spooning.
I’m still on the inside, because the other way would not even make sense.
Vroom!
Perhaps you should try the shock collar, muzzle and blindfold on Mark.
I’m just saying.
Could be… fun.
Mark refuses to entertain any of these possibilities.
Sigh.
Disappointing.
Imagine the blog postings you might get out of that.
He’s just stifling your career, you know.
If Mark were here, he would be giggling at your use of the word “career.”
He is annoying and realistic that way.
Snort!
Well, someone has to be the buzzkill in the family, I suppose.
And he is so practiced at it!
Just as well someone around here is in touch with reality.
Ahem.
Reality.
Pfft.
I found it is a good idea to at least have a toehold.
Overrated.
Very much so.
Said the floating man.
Your dog is a lot like my kid. As soon as just a little bit of light peeks through the blinds, it’s time to wake up. SO annoying.
It has just occurred to me that a covering for the laundry-room window might be a better idea than a dog-blindfold.
Hee hee!
Stupid dog.
Black Out Curtains FTW
I love mine
It keeps me from barking early in the morning when I am missing spooning and sporking
heee
that is all
So much giggling.
BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK!
Hee hee!
So my husband. But he doesn’t get that its ridiculous for me to not be the inside. He’s so much bigger than me…. ughhh men.
PS – it’s ok by me if you put Jack in the washer. Bahahaha.
Danielle -
Exactly!
Me on the outside is just silly and awkward.
And Jack may end up in an appliance of some sort.
I will keep you posted.
Kris
Am I the only person who is sitting here thinking of having my toddler sleep in the dryer? Okay maybe I’m not. Maybe.
All warm and dark and comfy!
Yes!
Put your toddler in the dryer!
I won’t tell anyone.
Shhhh.
He is old enough to push the door open. ha.
Am actually going to put those black out stickies on all of our bedroom windows this weekend. Maybe your laundry room needs that too?
Yes!
Blacking out the window is an awesome idea.
I will do that today.
Yay!
I am so smart. ;)
You are awesome!
Awesome and geniusy!
The best way to a woman’s outer spooning position is through laughter and dog impressions… uh… something like that.
Erin -
Mark makes me laugh.
I am helpless when I am giggling.
Ahem.
Hehe sporking. Spooning with the lady on the outside is so weird. What is the point of that may I ask you?
Of course if you were into some sort of female on male sporking situation. There is that.
Sporking is awesome.
But at this house, I am always the inside spoon.
No point in two sporks.
Or rather, too many points.
What?
heeheehee….
that’s pretty damn funny stuff from your straightman.
Mark is occasionally quite funny.
Rarely so intentionally, though.
Hee hee!
I get that…
Mine is like that, too.
The barking though? Comic fucking genius.
I know!
He scared the crap out of me!
So awesomely funny.
I am so with you on this one! The same path over and over again until he might as well be performing Chinese water torture because it’s driving me to distraction and not in a good way.
Giggling works its magic everytime for me as well. A-Hem.
I have also been accused of spoiling our smaller dog, Chuy. This is nothing but lies and heresay.
Angela -
Yes! The repetitive absent-minded “foreplay” is torture.
It’s not like I haven’t mentioned this before. I have soooo mentioned this before. Annoying.
Giggling fixes everything, however.
Every time.
And your smaller dog is named Chuy?
That cracks me up!
I know! Why don’t they hear us the first time? We speak clearly, loudly and often. Or at least I do…
Yes his name is Chuy. This is an homage to Chelsea Handler. She loves vodka. I love vodka. She’s mean. I’m mean. She has a Chuy, therefore, I have a Chuy. It’s the Circle of Life.
Hello.
I speak up all the fucking time. Loudly and clearly.
Sigh.
I wondered if your dog’s name was due to Chelsea Handler’s Chuy!
The Circle of Life.
Snort!
LOL! Happy giggles. Rob too can drive me nuts in the taking far too long with the body rubbing. He’s such a tease.
Yes . . . I’m sure Mark would love to be called a tease as well.
When what he is in fact is ANNOYING.
Ahem.
I really like the shock-collar in the washing machine combo. Electricity. Water. Annoying dog.
What fun!
Hmmm . . . yes, that could be bad.
Zzzzzzttttttt.
Ahem.
My stupid, yet adorable Doberman hears us move and the toddler saying “hiiii” over the monitor and starts flapping his big dopey ears, then the lab shakes and well we’re ALL up. And if the toddler wasn’t awake saying “hiiiii” over the monitor, they’d wake her with their incessant ear flapping and panting and general annoying-ness.
Maybe instead of a muzzle and crazy early morning dog, put a darkening shade in the room??
Yes!
You people are all geniuses!
Darkening the window is much smarter than blindfolding the dog and stuffing him in the clothes dryer.
Also?
Our Labrador shakes her head and ears to greet the day as well.
It is much louder than you’d think, isn’t it?
Silly dogs.
could you put a blanket over his kennel, like a bird? Also, Paul does those repetitive petting things when we’re lying in bed too and it makes me want to crawl out of my damn skin.
Kacey -
If I put a blanket over his kennel, he tries to pull it in with him through the grid of the kennel . . . thereby ripping and shredding the blanket.
He is awesome!
Then maybe blackout shades? we had some when we lived in Iceland and it was light all night in the “Summer” and I remember them working pretty well.
Yes, that seems to be the consensus.
It’s on my to-do list!
See? Right here next to “Eat lunch.”
Oops.
K
Stupid barking dogs. But even in a muzzle, straight jacket, giant Costco carry-out bag, and with shock collar, no way is the Moosedawg ever to be allowed in our bed. Only the Crack Puppy. And her pre-dawn ritual to greet the garbage collectors? Way fun.
B
See, but this smaller dog?
Jack.
Jack is my crack puppy.
Not once has the Labrador been invited to sleep with us, and she is ten years old.
Crack puppies have the power of cute.
They so do.
yep, blackout shades work wonders! as does white noise! i have dark blinds and thick denim curtains in my kids rooms for nap time, and it is like a cave in there at 1pm! also, i put a box fan on high in every room, so the small noises of the house are muffled, and people wake up less easily. it’s all sorts of geniusy! ;)
Hmmm . . .
Black-out shades.
White noise.
Cave.
Got it!
I absolutely positively am all swoony over Mark.
I love him.
He can run his matchbox car all over me.
Specially if he barks while he does it.
That is all.
Mark adores you.
I know you know that, but he wants to be sure.
Adores you.
Hee hee!
swoon!
Hee hee!