I am in the bathtub.
The girls are due to arrive home from school any moment, and I am hiding from them.
I am feeling sorry for myself, and I just want to be alone for a little bit.
Mark’s out in the garage; he can deal with the frenzy of the girls’ homecoming.
I run the water and lie back in the tub.
Wallow a bit.
Over the sound of the rushing water, I hear the pounding of feet up the stairs.
“MOM! MOTHER! MOM! MOTHER! MOM!”
Hmmmph.
Thanks, Mark.
“I’m in the tub, ladies. What do you need?”
The bathroom door swings open (because I forgot to lock it) and three sets of feet stomp into the bathroom with me. I gaze at the shadowy figures of Maj and Kallan and one of their friends through the privacy glass of the tub enclosure’s sliding doors. Their voices tumble over one another and compete for my attention against the rush of the water.
Annoying.
MOTHER! BICYCLES TO THE SCHOOL BUS PUPPIES! WE ARE LEAVING DADDY SAID OK IF YOU SAID OK BICYCLES MOM! WE WILL BE CAREFUL HER FRIEND . . . PUPPIES! MOTHER! I WILL KEEP AN EYE PLEASE MOTHER ON MAJ AND KALLAN AND BICYCLES AND PUPPIES YESTERDAY TODAY PROMISED PUPPIES! WE WILL BE CAREFUL PUPPIES! GAS NOT SO FAR PUPPIES STATION WE RODE THERE BEFORE PUPPIES! CELL PHONES. BICYCLES! PUPPIES! CAN WE? PLEASE? PUPPIES! WE HAVE TO GO WHILE THEY ARE STILL THERE PUPPIES! CAREFUL PUPPIES! PLEASE?
From which I gather that they want to ride their bikes to a friend’s house and look at puppies.
I want the three of them to be anywhere but here in this bathroom with me.
I want that so much.
I sink into the water so that I cannot hear them anymore, and I say, “Fine. Visit the puppies, but do not bring any puppies home.”
I hear faint squeals of water-dulled delight, and then I feel more than hear the pounding of three sets of feet down the stairs and out the front door.
I feel the door slam.
I turn off the bathtub water.
Silence.
I lie in the tub and stare at the ceiling and wallow in steamy water and self pity for a few minutes.
I wash my hair.
Run some more hot water.
Lie back in the tub.
I try to empty my mind.
But two words refuse to be dislodged.
GAS . . . STATION.
Why did they say “GAS” and then “STATION?”
Wait . . . whose house did they say they were going to, anyway?
Oh good lord.
I climb out of the tub and grab a towel and the phone and then walk out to the garage, “Mark, which friend has the puppies? Where did the girls go?”
Mark is working on the trailer lights, and he answers absentmindedly, “They didn’t say. I told them to ask you.”
I sink to the ground, “I’m not sure, but I may have given them permission to go visit puppies some random stranger has at the gas station by the grocery store.”
Mark looks at me, his eyebrows raised, “Well, that was awesome parenting.”
I sigh, “I know, right? This is how stupid white trash ends up on CNN in a bath towel explaining how she sent her daughters off to visit puppies at the gas station and how could she have possibly known this was a bad idea?”
Mark laughs, “The three of them are together. They will be OK. Call them.”
“I did, but they are on their bicycles . . . they’re not answering.”
“They’re fine, Kris.”
“You think?”
“Help me with the trailer for a minute. They’ll be back before you know it.”
I call and leave another message on Maj’s phone.
On Kallan’s phone.
I help with the trailer.
And the girls are back before I know it.
They didn’t answer my calls because they never got off their bicycles. The man with the puppies at the gas station wasn’t there anymore. All that bicycling for nothing.
Kallan heads into the house to get a popsicle.
Maj stands out in the driveway with Mark and me.
I am sitting on the ground and I look up at her, “So the puppies at the gas station . . . was that just some random guy with a box of puppies or was it one of the men who works there?”
Maj looks at me, “One of the guys who works there. We saw him and the puppies when we rode past on the school bus, but I guess he took them home for the day.”
“Just you know, Maj? Not one of my finer parenting moments.”
“Duh, Mother.”
“I didn’t listen carefully and I should not have let you go. Riding your bicycles to the gas station to see a man about some puppies? I messed up.”
“Yeah, I am aware . . . I was surprised when you said yes, but I wanted to see the puppies, Mother.”
I pick up a stick and snap it into little pieces, “I wish you had spoken up, Maj.”
She pats me on the shoulder, “Sometimes, Mother? Sometimes, I just have to let you learn from your mistakes.”
I sigh, “It’s going to be a long summer, isn’t it, Maj?”
Maj giggles, “Yes, Mother. Yes, it is. Attention will be required.”
Ack.
SNORT!
I love how you handled this.
And I swear, it could almost be a conversation with my Lil Diva, where every other word out of her mouth is “PUPPY!”.
Not that we have a puppy.
Or that she will pet them. She hides and cowers when they are less than 5 feet away.
But from a distance? In a book? More than five feet away?
They are the best thing. EVER.
My daughter is going to try to ride a bike to a gas station to see puppies someday, isn’t she?
Always remember to lock the door, my friend.
Kelly -
Yes, your daughter is going to try to ride a bike to the gas station to see puppies someday.
The difference is that you will probably be paying attention when she asks.
Snort!
And yes . . . I know better than to leave the door unlocked.
Stupid me.
Kris
Nice push-off Mark.
I bet you’ll remember to lock the door nest time. Heh.
It is indeed going to be a long, long summer. And Kaylee’s last day of school is almost a week and a half AFTER your girls get out.
Also?
Congrats on the “New to you” boat!
You will all be weekend boaters!
Hee hee!
NEXT time. Lock the door NEXT time.
Not nest time. Because that just makes no sense what-so-ever.
Yes.
Lock the door . . . got it.
I knew that, by the way. Just forgot. Hmmph.
Mark is a pain.
I told him I was taking a bath and hiding from the girls.
I told him that.
Me
(ALSO? Goofy typo you!)
Isn’t he in trouble from the big poo fiasco with the smaller, badly behaved dog??
He’s working on no sex again, ever. Isn’t he?
Heh.
Damn it.
I am always forgetting to follow through on punishments.
Ahem.
Just blame it on the third beer and the massages he gives.
Hee hee!
Mark is sneaky.
He just this second brought me a beer.
Swoon!
Wait . . . what?
You are so much calmer than me. Cell phones serve one purpose, a permanent umbilical cord from me to my children, and no I won’t seek therapy for that.
My son has a 15 minute text/call back window. 15 minutes without a response (if he has traveled to places slightly unknown) and I will get in the car wet and naked and embarrass the ever-living-hell out of you if you don’t. He found this out the hard way when he was 12. I wasn’t naked, but I was mad as hell.
When my kids want to go somewhere, they don’t even attempt to ask their father.
I am such a paranoid-pain-in-the-freakin-ass-mom. I really am. But to try and make me look somewhat better, the kids know that their “leash” extends as far as they want it to, they simply have to put up with texting me regularly.
From the oldest one night:
Mom. I luv’s U. Will B late. 15 minutes or so. I am wearing white so I won’t get hit by a random car walking home. I do not have my headphones on so I will hear the car that might hit me. I’m pretty fast, so I can run from a van full of kidnappers. I have hidden my phone and ipod as you instructed so I won’t get mugged by street thugs. B home soon. Luv U.
He’s got a lot of freedom these days :)
OK, your oldest son is PERFECTION!
That’s just so fucking awesome.
I am paranoid by nature, but I have had to learn to relax a bit as the girls have gotten older.
I try to keep my paranoia inside.
Let them have some freedom.
Sigh.
It’s tricky.
Kris
The only reason I am not locked up for seriously hindering my children’s freedom is because I have boys. It’s irrational, but that’s my excuse and I’m sticking with it.
I so admire you, and any other mother of girls. I couldn’t do it, and they would end up hating me. Like I did my over-protective mother. Think I’ll call her and apologize for years 13-18.
I remember telling the doc, if it’s a girl, you damn well better put her right back.
My girls get less freedom than some of their friends.
Yikes.
Freedom I will not detail here, because some of those moms read this blog.
But yikes.
I try to stay in the middle . . . to let the girls have freedom but be aware of what they are doing.
I try.
OMG that text message is AWESOME.
I KNOW!
It so is.
The difference between a good mom and a bad mom? A good mom realizes what she did and worries. A bad mom doesn’t care. YOU are a great mom.
Yes, it is going to be a long summer for you. But it will be filled with great moments with your girls!
Tina -
It will be a great summer. I am looking forward to the summer. But there have been a lot of changes recently; the girls are lot more independent than they used to be.
Maj is right.
Attention will be required.
Kris
this was clearly mark’s fault. you never tell the kids to ask the bathing mother.
attention will not be given if one is in the tub. because the attention? along with all the other crap? is being washed away.
duh.
mark’s fault.
Mark dismisses this theory.
He says if I had locked the door, that would be one thing.
But I did not.
Snort!
Mark is a smarty-pants.
Mark is wrong. Mothers in the bathtub are not to be disturbed. By children.
Obfuscation of facts is a major teen technique. Make a note of this!
Mark is shaking his head in disagreement.
And how much do I love that you used the word “obfuscation?”
Yay!
Love that.
No lie.
Kris
Oh!! Many clappy hand applause!!! so true true true!
Mark has already pointed out the flaw in this logic.
Hee hee!
Sigh.
Annoying husband.
I think Maj needs to start recording her insightful 1-liners into a book. It could be turned into one of those 1-for-every-day calendars. Awesome. I would have one on my desk.
Maj says that I am already recording her genius for posterity.
Snort!
She has a point.
I will require the Cliff Notes version for quick references.
Ah-hem.
Hee hee!
I will get right on that.
Kris,
“No. Go to your room. And do NOT come out until you are 19.”
That’s how my sister handled it for awhile.
Seemed to work.
Until that time she was on CNN. Wearing the towel.
Summertime. And the living is easy.
What?
Bill
Bill -
I so do not want to be on CNN wearing a towel.
Guess what else?
Mark recently showed Kallan how to climb out of her bedroom and onto the roof and then from there to the ground.
Because he is a genius.
And then Kallan showed Maj.
Because she is a genius.
So yeah . . . locking them in their rooms isn’t going to work.
Thanks, Mark.
Hmmph.
Kris
Was Mark one of those good kids? We were with friends at a big camping thing once. Going from campfire to campfire. Working our was back to the cabin we were sharing with my friend and her hubby and some other adult friends. My older daughter left her bag behind at a campfire, and the rest of the evening my friend was on her case. ‘do you have your bag? Where’s your bag? Oh I’ll carry your bag!’. Finally when we were in the cabin and the girls had gone to the bathhouse I said ‘Leila, why the he’ll are you so worried about the bag, we can always hunt it up in the morning?’
Leila explained that my daughter was trying to set up an escape. After we would all be cozy in our bunks, shed need to go get her bag. And I’d be all sleepy and say ‘come straight back!!’ and of course she wouldn’t and I’d put off getting up, bothering the others with a light, dressing and going hunting for the daughter. ‘oh! I never thought of that. As a teen or now!’.
‘i did’. Said Leila. ‘then, and now. Your welcome.’.
I was clever enough to put miss trouble in the bunk furthest from the door, and above me.
To be fair, Mark’s demonstration of roof scaling came about as he was having Kallan help him clean off the roof. But still.
And Mark was a little sneaky when he was a kid . . . I have heard stories from when he was 16 and up of lies and minor misdeeds. But he was basically a very good kid. And I never had the opportunity to be a sneaky bad kid until I was older, and when I was older? No one was paying attention to me anyway.
Ahem.
And how old was your daughter when she pulled that sleeping bag stunt?
Yikes!
That is evil!
Smart and evil!
Kris
Purse type bag. She was 15 or so. If it weren’t for Leila and another friend there are many tricks I would have missed. As a teen it never occurred to me misbehave in ways that required planning ahead. Maybe if I’d had a social life to sneak out to.
Ooooh . . . that makes more sense. I misunderstood.
I can so imagine a future Kallan plotting and scheming far in advance of the actual bad behavior.
EEK.
I hope Maj is still on my side at that point.
She can point stuff out.
“Kallan? Do you have your bag?”
Hee hee!
They already conspire to obfuscate.
Words like that are why I lacked in need for sneaking skills.
The connection you four have now sounds like it will be alright in the end but interesting for awhile. And the girls can escape the house in case of fire, thanks to Mark.
Bwhahahaha!
That’s what Mark said when I was yelling at him!
That the girls would now be better able to escape the house in case of fire.
Snort!
That’s awesome.
Me
Mark is pushing this one off on YOU? When HE is the one getting a boat!!?? Oh no, just no. He is getting a new toy, he can damn well act grateful and keep kids out of the bath zone.
Sue -
I KNOW!
Because seriously . . . I am not sure that with this stupid allergy of mine, the boat is going to be something I can even do.
So this really may be just another hobby for Mark and the girls.
Minus Kris.
I should at least get some quiet bathtub time out of the deal.
YES!
Mark needs his ass kicked.
Kris
Bathwater trumps doorlocking anyday.
Mark was clearly the Parent-In-Charge.
Maj does have a point, though… clever children are the worst. In the best way.
I love how all of the women are here to back me up!
Thank you, Cameron!
Mark clearly was the Parent-In-Charge.
Except not.
Sassy man.
Me
Smart kids always know how to get what they want, like marshmallows for breakfast (ask while the parents are still asleep) or to spend the night on the roof of the school (ask while the parents are mid-argument).
Dumb kids would be MUCH easier to raise.
Adrienne -
Wait. Your kids slept on the school roof???
Really?
That’s kind of awesome!
Me
Yep, we all mess up. At least you have honest (and clever) kids who told you the truth before and after. My girls are like that too. They will certainly take advantage if I am not paying attention – and also have no problem walking in on my bath. Glad I won’t be seeing you on CNN in a bath towel :)
Rhonda -
I so had that moment of absolute clarity . . . those memories of having harshly judged white-trashy moms on the TV explaining their bad decisions while dressed in a bathrobe or towel.
ACK! That could be me!
Hmmph.
Kris
Everytimw you talk about the boat I imagine you singing this song:
http://av.vimeo.com/18514/613/33813207.mp4?token=1307782572_f289a9906cad56d7f61a17a30b9fd2ae
Hmmph.
I just get an error when I click that link.
WHAT SONG?
hehehehe ~ attention will be required! LOL!!
BUT at least you know now that if you need a gallon of milk at the gas station store, the girls can go ride their bikes there to get it! :)
Sarah -
This is very very true!
They have actually become quite a bit more confident and independent on their bicycles lately. I am looking forward to a summer of exploration. I think it’s going to be an amazing summer for both of them.
Plus, I get to send them to the store to run errands!
How cool is that?
So cool.
Yay!
Kris
this just reminds me of how much times have changed…..my mom used to send me to the corner store for her on my bicycle, with a note to buy her a pack of cigarettes. lol.
I know, right?
I made those same trips on my bicycle.
I know.
Maj is wise, she is. Learn from your mistakes, Mom. Tee hee!
I agree, Mark’s ass? Requires kicking.
Ooh, boat! I expect lots of funny silly stories from when you go out on the boat!
Alison -
It is Sunday now . . . we spent all yesterday getting the boat from where it was to where it now rests in our driveway.
And there are already stories to tell.
This boat thing may work out pretty well for me and this blog.
Ahem.
Kris
Wow, I so have those bathtub moments with my 6 month old, and I was expecting it to end sometime–so thanks for the heads up . . .
You have some smart girls on your hands. Personally I take adderall otherwise I really can’t pay attention to ANYTHING in my life so I can really picture this happening to me.
With this said . . . I’m glad your girls know how to ride bikes and would undertake a long ride like that, and I’m sure they wore their helmets . . . I wish I saw more kids outside riding bikes and being kids excited about puppies instead of excited about online virtual puppies as they atrophy . . . so I think you are doing pretty darn good myself.
Adrienne -
My daughters are fans of the Wii and the phone and the TV and the texting.
But Mark and I limit their access to those things (to the best of our ability . . . Kallan is a text fiend).
Both Kallan and Maj are eager to go places and do things and explore and be independent.
I love that they ride off on their bicycles (with helmets and with cell phones and with gym shoes because I won’t let them ride their bikes with flip flops).
I just love that they want to have adventures out in the real world.
They set a good example for me.
What?
Sigh.
Me