Maj is almost ready to head off to school.
She just needs to brush her teeth, and . . .
“Are you kidding me, Kallan? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”
Kallan looks helplessly at me from her spot on the couch across from where I sit, shrugs her shoulders, but does not speak.
“This bathroom is a minty catastrophe! Get up here, Mother! Get up here and appreciate the horrific acts of your younger daughter.”
Kallan is innocent and silent.
Sigh.
I call up to Maj, “What happened?”
“Kallan has squeezed my toothpaste all over the place, Mother. She is a maniac, Mother! A minty maniac of mayhem.”
Kallan rolls her eyes and says nothing.
I yell back up at Maj, “Awesome alliteration, Maj!”
“Thank you, Mother. Get up here! You have to see this!”
“I don’t want to come up and see. How about if I just believe there is a mess?”
Maj screams angrily, “Insufficient action, Mother! Insufficient motherly action!”
I sigh, “How about you just move on, Maj? How about you just move on with your life?”
Maj stomps down the stairs and into the living room where I am sitting, “Oh, how I wish it was that simple, Mother. If only it was that simple. But guess what?”
I sip my coffee and hazard a guess, “It is not that simple and you will not be moving on?”
“That is correct, Mother. There is nothing simple about this situation and I will not be moving on.”
Kallan speaks reasonably, “You do not even know that it was me who squeezed the toothpaste, Maj.”
Maj is livid, “Really? REALLY? Well, let’s see . . . maybe it was the dogs! Oh but wait . . . THEY HAVE NO THUMBS. Maybe it was the turtle! Except the turtle has no teeth and is COMPLETELY UNINTERESTED IN DENTAL HYGIENE. I know you are not accusing my frogs . . . their skin is PERMEABLE . . . they would not be so stupid as to play with mint products.”
I am filled with giggles, “OK, Maj . . . that’s enough.”
But Maj keeps talking, “Maybe it was Daddy! Yes, maybe he didn’t go to work at all today. Maybe he hid in the house so he could squeeze my toothpaste when I wasn’t looking.”
Kallan suggests, “Maybe it was Mom.”
Really, Kallan?
Maj glares at Kallan, “Yes, maybe it was Mother. This sounds exactly like something she would do. Oh but wait . . . NO IT DOES NOT AT ALL SOUND LIKE SOMETHING MOTHER WOULD DO.”
Kallan picks a bit of leaf from the tread of her gym shoe, “It’s a mystery, alright.”
Maj brings her face down to Kallan’s and speaks menacingly, “Listen, Baby K. There is no mystery. None.”
The doorbell rings and Maj hurries to gather her backpack and head out with her friend to ride her bike to school, “I am leaving, Mother. I am leaving, but this situation has not been resolved. I will need a resolution, Mother. This is not over.”
And then Maj is gone.
I have promised to drive Kallan to school today, so we have about 15 minutes together.
I sip my coffee and stare at Kallan.
She is annoyed, “What? I didn’t do anything. Maj is crazy.”
“So why don’t you tell me your version?”
“I have no version. If there is toothpaste squeezed and I am not even saying that there is but if there is . . . Maj did it. She likes to get me in trouble.”
“Alright, so let’s walk up to the bathroom together . . . let’s walk up together and discuss your sister’s insanity.”
Kallan does not get up, “Why? Why don’t you ever just believe what I say, Mom? It’s not like Maj never lies. Why can’t you ever just accept what I tell you is the truth?”
“Ummmm . . . because you lie a lot.”
Kallan’s face crumples, “Really, Mom?”
Hmmmm, “Walk with me, babe.”
She stands and I wrap my arm around her. We walk up the stairs together.
Kalllan speaks in a sad little girl voice, “Mom, Maj lies more than you think. Sometimes when Maj is screaming and yelling about how I have done something, the truth is that I have done nothing at all. I wish you could appreciate those times. The times when I am innocent.”
We stand together at the bathroom door.
An impressive scene.
There is toothpaste on the counter. There is toothpaste on the mirror. There is toothpaste on the toilet seat. There is toothpaste on the floor.
The air is wintergreen fresh.
There are smears and globs of minty maniac mayhem everywhere.
Huh.
I turn to Kallan, “So is this one of those times?”
She is puzzled, “What?”
“Is this one of those times when you have done nothing at all . . . Is this one of those innocent times?”
She looks at the bathroom and then back at me . . . considers, “Ummm, actually? No. No, it is not.”
This girl kills me. I gesture with my hand at the mess, “So you admit that you did all of this and then lied about it and then tried to make me feel bad for not believing that lie?”
She looks up at me, “Maybe.”
I fight back laughter, “Kallan, for god’s sake . . . you do see that there may come a day when you are actually innocent, right? What are you going to do when that day comes?”
Kallan rolls her eyes, “You’re not going to tell me about the stupid boy who cried wolf again, are you?”
“Nope. I’m going to tell you a story about the lying maniac girl who had to spend her afternoon cleaning bathrooms.”
Kallan clings dramatically to my arm, “Oh please, Mother! Tell me of the boy who cried wolf, Mother Dearest! A fable with a lesson is all I need to change my ways!”
Sigh.
I really needed this post tonight! Thank you for never letting me down!
Lori -
Well, how awesome a compliment is that?
Thank you!
Kris
“A minty maniac of mayhem”
That is just beautiful.
The bathroom, not so much.
Perhaps as Kalkan spends her afternoon cleaning toothpaste from many surfaces you could repeat the boy who cried wolf fable. The longer it takes her, the more repititions.
Ack, that would be mom punishment. Never mind.
Renee -
The bathroom is all sparkly clean now!
Happy sighs of slave-driving.
Sassy Kallan.
She actually had to do extra bathrooms, because at some point in there as she was cleaning?
She called me lazy.
Kallan does not always think things all the way through.
Snort!
Me
I can’t seem to convince the kids that “insufficent motherly action” is actually part of my diabolical parenting plan.
Lori -
I know, right?
I should not have to address every little “emergency.”
Sigh.
Exactly.
Kris
Have you ever given any thought to how it will be when Kallen and Maj are five years older? Six? Bless you.
Lanita -
Yes, my future appears before me sometimes . . . late at night.
Shivers of horror.
I hope I am prepared.
Sigh.
Kris
What was Kallan’s reasoning for making a minty mess?
Just wanted to mess with her sister??
I have been having trouble with Kaylee telling little lies.
I almost always catch her in the lie.
And she acts like I am horrible and rotten for not believing her.
Sigh.
Kallan offered no explanation.
None.
I assume she just wanted to mess with her sister.
And also fuck with me.
She is exhausting.
Me
Oh god.
I thought when they got older I wouldn’t have to be afraid of seeing what disaster was wrought in the bathroom.
At least Kallan is old enough to clean it up.
My Lil Diva would appreciate Kallan’s fine attention to hitting every surface.
And your daughter? Love her.
Well, both of them.
Kelly -
Nope . . . the crimes are just as ridiculous when the kids are older.
Just as ridiculous and just as messy.
Sigh.
Kallan is a loon.
An untruthful minty loon.
Kris
Kris,
Baby K is the funniest and worst criminal in history.
Bill
Bill -
Snort!
She so is.
Love that.
Me
Though the situations are not as amusing, how dramatic they are kind of is. This fits a bit perfectly with me tonight as I am in a minty mood. About to eat some minty ice cream. But no minty mayhem shall occur.
I hate when kids get you feeling all guilty, and then turn around and do something like this.
Kim -
Always, there is drama.
Always.
Hysterical emotional frenzied drama.
It’s awesome.
Tiring but awesome.
Hee hee!
Me
“insufficient motherly action”…..hahah! i would be accused of this often if my kids were old enough to correctly pronounce insufficient! hahah!
Sarah -
Maj is filled with awesome phrases.
Filled.
Mostly they have to do with finding me lacking in some way, but I am always impressed.
I do like words.
Me
I had my son (9) read this one. He was all glinty-eyed, perma grinned and blushing! And then said, as he sauntered off to play, “I can imagine doing that!”
Thanks, we enjoyed it!
Awwww . . . that’s awesome.
Tell your son we said hi!
I love that.
Me
You never fail to make me smile. Be it dog shit, or tooth paste…. always such a vivid image left in my head. I am right there, looking over your shoulder.. seeing it all, just as you do. Priceless.
Ellen -
Yes, it has been a messy week around here!
What the hell?
Sigh.
Glad I could make you see it with me, but seriously . . . what the hell?
Me
Sometimes when I read the stories of your girls and their interactions, I feel like I am getting a glimpse into my future. My oldest (5) is very much of a rule follower and the little one (2) seems to be the one who will very much enjoy stirring the pot and seeing what she can do to drive her sister insane.
Oh, and as usual, great post! Those girls of yours are amazing!
Lauran -
If your kids turn out like mine, you will have so much fun.
And you will laugh soooo much.
Also, you will need to take restorative naps.
Snort!
Kris
“I know you are not accusing my frogs . . . their skin is PERMEABLE . . . they would not be so stupid as to play with mint products.”
Gasping for breath between fits of laughter! I doubt Maj would appreciate my mirth, but that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all day.
Maj delivers these lines in angry hostile seriousness.
She kills me.
Sometimes I laugh so hard I cannot breathe.
So awesome.
Kris
Um. At least the bathroom smells good???
I loved Maj’s alliteration. My sister is a drama queen, he husband is a drama queen, her daughters are drama queens – I think my nephew is the only normal one. And that’s only because he is so quiet I’m not sure if he says any thing.
And? They never come up with stuff this good. Yeah. Never.
:)
Lizzie -
I am so lucky.
My girls drop drama all over the place as they walk around this house.
All I have to do is sweep it up and assemble it.
Blogging is easy!
Snort.
Me
Why are all the Allstate Mayhem commercials coming to mind right about now?
Bwahahaha!
Oh my god . . . that’s awesome.