I took the girls to the lake today.
Spent about three and half hours there. A gorgeous sunny day. Perfect.
Came home, collected the wet towels and swimsuits and tossed them in the washer.
Turned around to find Maj and Kallan and two kids from the neighborhood staring at me hopefully.
Kallan speaks, “Can we do the slip-n-slide in the back yard?”
“Seriously? We just got home from the lake. You just changed into dry clothes.”
“Please?”
“Oh, fine. Go ahead.”
“Yay!”
I unload the dryer and fold a load of underwear and socks and white T-shirts as the children run in and out of the house, screaming about bathing suits and towels and sunscreen and hoses and dogs and water and summer!
Maj keeps up the loudest running commentary, and her words rise above the buzz of the other children’s excitement.
Mother, where is my bathing suit?
What do you mean it’s in the laundry? Since when are you the sort of mother to start a load of laundry right when we get home?
Mother, where is my beach towel?
What do you mean it’s in the laundry? This is ridiculous!
Yes, I will cope. Mother, I am not saying I will not cope. I just think it’s bizarre and also a waste of water that you started a load of laundry with just our beach stuff.
Yes, I am aware that the slip-n-slide is not a water conservation device. You are getting sassy in your old age, Mother.
Kallan! Do not start the slip-n-slide when you do not even have your bathing suit on yet! Water wasting. WATER WASTING! Mother Nature is going to pound you!
Kallan, we need to wear our clean bathing suits because Mother is all on top of the laundry situation in a crazy weird way. I know, right? That’s not like her.
OK, you guys go home and get your bathing suits and we will wait for you.
What do you mean what else would we do?
OK, I see . . . yes, we live here and what else would we do but wait . . . you are so funny.
Yeah, well . . . maybe we won’t wait, then. Why don’t you go home and get your bathing suits and then ring our doorbell and Kallan and I will ignore you.
Yeah, I thought you might like the waiting option better.
Kallan, what on earth is taking you so long? Oh my god, stop doing the butt dance . . . I don’t care how much Mother giggles, it is inappropriate!
Do not touch me with your bathing suited wiggly butt!
What did I say, young lady? Get that thing away from me.
Mother, are you kidding me? Why do we have to let the dogs play in the back yard while we are slipping and sliding? What are we, pet sitters?
Fine, they can come out . . . but if they eat the slip-n-slide, I am holding you personally responsible.
Oh, for god’s sake . . . where did that little boy come from? No one invited a boy. He’s just in our back yard like he dropped from the sky!
Maybe he did fall from the sky. Look at him! He appears to be clueless about the proper functioning of a slip-n-slide.
Hey! Stop sliding on it without water! What is wrong with you? Stop that immediately.
Mother, ask him who dyed his hair purple. I like his hair.
What? Don’t be foolish . . . I am not asking him.
Excuse me, sir? Stop sliding on the dry plastic. What is wrong with you?
Kallan, don’t start the water until I get out there!
Where are you going? I said to wait for me!
I don’t even have a towel! Don’t turn on the water until I get out there!
Mother, tell those children I am in charge.
Mother, tell them I am supervising this water activity.
Mother, I think I need more sunscreen.
Really? You are willing to take the risk that I will be horribly burned?
Fine, Mother. It’s on your head. My skin is on your head.
How is that funny, exactly?
Oh my god . . . I cannot go out there if they are going to be screaming like that.
STOP THAT SCREAMING!
STOP SCREAMING!
No one listens to me, Mother.
Where are my goggles?
No, I do not have them . . . you have them.
Fine. I will wear my sunglasses. Yet another compromise by the Maj. I am making notes of all these compromises for the next time you tell me I am not flexible.
How is that funny, exactly?
STOP BARKING, DOG!
STOP BARKING!
No, I do not think my voice is unreasonable. Sometimes, I need to stomp on people with my words.
Not everything is funny, Mother.
Alright, I would like it noted that they have all started playing without me even though I specifically asked them to wait.
Mother, I am going out to play on the slip-n-slide.
Mother, I am going out to play on the slip-n-slide.
Did you hear me, Mother? I said I was going out to play on the . . .
Geez, Mother. Someone’s a little crabby.
Alright, I am headed out.
Bye, Mother!
I will try to play nicely.
OK, here I go.
What?
Alright, I am going! Geez. Could you be any crabbier, you think?
PEOPLE! IT IS CLEARLY MY TURN. STEP ASIDE! IT IS MY TURN!
DIDN’T YOU HEAR MOTHER SAY I WAS IN CHARGE?
YES, SHE DID!
YES, SHE DID!
MOTHER!
MOTHER!
Sigh.
