Mark has just announced that he would like to take the girls with him to Costco to do some grocery shopping.
Kallan’s eyebrows lift hopefully, “Is Mom going?”
“No.”
“YES!”
Kallan’s delight is due to the fact that I always veto treat purchases and Mark never does.
Maj is annoyed, “Why do I have to go to Costco?”
Mark is surprised, “What are you talking about? It will be fun . . . you know you like to be consulted on what we buy.”
“I don’t see why you just get to decide for me that I am going. She doesn’t have to go. Why doesn’t she have to go?”
“OK, she is your mother, and she has other things to do.”
“Like what? Sit?”
“Watch it, Maj.”
“I don’t want to go to Costco. I hate shopping with Kallan. She is so annoying. I don’t see why I should have to go.”
Kallan pouts, “Hey! I am not annoying!”
Maj turns and glares at her sister, “You are incredibly annoying.” She turns back to Mark, “If she doesn’t have to go, I don’t see why I should have to go. I’ll just stay here and do important lazy sitting stuff with her.”
I interrupt, “Maj, guess what? Now you may not go to Costco. Yay! You can stay here with me.”
Kallan does a fist-pump of triumph, “Yes!”
Perhaps 30 seconds of quiet pass as we eat our dinner and Maj thinks.
She swallows the last of her orange juice and speaks, “I want to go to Costco.”
Not fucking even, so I say, “Nope.”
“I want to go to Costco!”
“Nope.”
“Why not?”
“Because I want you to feel the joy of rudely refusing to cooperate and then getting your own way. It’s going to be awesome.”
“I really want to go to Costco.”
“Next time, Maj? You need to take a moment and think about HOW you are going to speak your thoughts. Because rudeness eliminates choices. Make a note.”
“I want to go to Costco!”
“Ooooh, look! What’s that off in the distance?”
“What?”
“I believe that may be the ship. It has sailed, Maj.”
“What does that even mean?”
Kallan is all helpful, “It means you can’t go to Costco.”
Maj leans across the table at me, “I want to go to Costco! Why can’t I go to Costco?”
“Because I want you to stay here and feel the joy.”
“I don’t want to feel the joy!”
“Too bad. The joy is coming for you, Maj. And the joy? It will be felt.”
Kallan is helpful again, “I don’t think this is going to be joyful for you, Maj.”
Maj is pissed, “I don’t want to feel the joy!”
Kallan giggles, “Sorry, Maj. But it is utterly funny to hear you all scared of the joy.”
Maj is yelling now, “I don’t want to feel the joy!”
I ignore her, “You may start by doing the dishes, and then you can help me put the clothes away. We can straighten the house a bit. After that, you can go to bed.”
Maj is defiant, “Mother, I am not doing any of that. I am going to do something I choose so that I can feel the joy. You said I was going to feel joy.”
“Oh, babe. Did you misunderstand? The joy you will be feeling will be my joy. Your evening is pretty much going to suck.”
She turns to Mark, “Daddy, speak to her.”
Mark shakes his head, “Can’t help you, Maj. Your bad attitude got you into this mess.”
Maj looks back at me, and I say, “Yes. Daddy has summarized the situation nicely.”
“I want to go to Costco.”
“Nope.”
A few minutes later, Maj is doing the dishes as Kallan and Mark race about the house making a Costco list.
I have just cleared the table, and I am packaging leftovers. I put them in the refrigerator, and then I stand for a minute as I try to decide whether I will help Maj load the dishwasher. I stand indecisively for just a second too long, because Maj turns and says, “So you are just going to stand there and do nothing at all? Way to be helpful, Mother.”
OK, so I am not going to help with the dishes.
I lean against the counter, “You need to adjust your tone and your words. I’m sure you did not mean to sound that rude.”
“Yes, I did. You are useless. If you are going to be lazy and annoying, then I am going to be as rude as I want to be.”
“Really, Maj?”
“Really, Mother. You are already making me do chores and then go to bed early. How could my life possibly get any worse? Might as well be rude to you . . . nothing you can do to make my situation worse than it already is.”
“Ooooh . . . a challenge. Night, Maj.”
“What?”
“Leave the dishes. I will do them. You just go to bed.”
“Are you insane?”
“Nope. Just showing you how things can always get worse. See you in the morning.”
“What is wrong with you? It’s only 7:30!”
“Wrong with me? Nothing at all. In fact . . . do you feel that, Maj?”
“What?”
“It’s joy!”
“I DON’T WANT TO FEEL THE JOY!”
Kallan yells from the other room, “Oh my god, Maj! Every time, that makes me laugh. Once more, with terror! Please?”
Maj ignores Kallan, “MOTHER, I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THE JOY!”
Kallan giggles hysterically, “So funny! You’re a good sister, Maj. I am headed off to Costco filled with a joyful spirit.”
Maj glares at me, “I am not going to bed, crazy woman.”
“Ooooh . . . good call, Maj! Because there is just no way for this decision to come back and bite you on the butt.”
Maj thinks about this for a minute, and then she stomps off to her room and to bed.
Kallan and Mark leave for Costco.
Leaving me alone.
Alone to write something.
Thanks, Maj!
You’ve brought me joy.
