People!
I went on Facebook the other night and I was all, “Could someone please boss some people to like me so that we can hit 900?”
I think Pretty All True’s fan page was at 889.
There was a flurry of commentary and promises and reports of people being bossed.
Yay!
This morning, Pretty All True’s fan page shows 891 fans . . . which just makes me laugh so hard. It’s harder to boss people into liking me than you might imagine. Hee hee!
But guess what???
Danielle says she is up to the challenge!
Danielle is my new Psychophant!
After she has managed to harass 50 new people into liking Pretty All True’s fan page?
I will put up her link here on Pretty All True for one month.
YAY!
Psychophant Danielle!
OK, regardless of results? I LOVE THAT PHOTO!
And now for today’s post:
I have mentioned before that I am a lightweight.
One beer = chatty.
Two beers = chatty plus silly.
Three beers = chatty plus silly plus slutty.
This is a cumulative sort of thing, by the way.
I generally stick to a single beer most evenings.
I am a big fan of myself chatty.
But the other night, we go out to dinner at this Irish pub here in Lake Oswego. It is a gorgeous warm evening, and we sit out on their newly opened patio. We are there for a very long time, because the newly opened patio is apparently designed to function almost entirely without wait-staff.
We finally manage to get a beer . . . here’s me . . .
I love this place! Taste my beer it’s yummy let me taste yours yup that’s good too. I like how they strung the lights and hey that group brought their dog Jack would love it here although yes he probably would poop under the table at some point during the meal oh my god Maj you are just awesomely beautiful yes Kallan you too I was just noticing Maj at this moment Kallan stop dancing at the table oh fine what do I care dance all you want just try not to fall off of the bench yes Maj it’s fine if you just mental dance I will know that you are all joyous in your mind and you guys got cherries in your drinks? I should so ask for a little bowl of maraschino cherries I love those guys although you’re right no one is ever going to come over here and inquire as to my cherry needs hmmph. I need to order some food because I am starving and this beer is going right to my . . . Wait what did you say, Mark? A boat? Sure, let’s buy a boat. What the hell . . . a little boat? Sure. Buy it. Because we are exactly the family that should be out on the river in a tiny boat it will be awesome. What? No I’m not kidding. Buy it. One-click that baby. Yes, I know it’s not on an on-line purchase. I was kidding.
The waitress appears and we are all pouncy.
Sadly, it turns out we have been given the wrong menus.
We order another beer and peruse the correct menus.
The waitress disappears.
I sip my second beer.
I have to pee.
Kallan joins me in the small single-toilet bathroom.
Here’s me . . .
Oh my god, Kallan seriously? How can you possibly have to pee more than I have to pee? Fine. I will just stand here and dance while you pee . . . also, what the heck with the loud Reggae music piped into the bathroom? Reggae music is not Irish in any way make a note Kallan in case this comes up at school — Reggae equals incredibly un-Irish. Good beat, though. Are you mocking my dancing now? Fine, I will just take it up a notch and I will sing as well . . . No, I don’t even know the words but it is about to get funky up in here! OK, now I cannot breathe. Get it? Funky? Kallan! Stop singing and dancing about the funk . . . your mother is going to GIGGLE-DIE IN THE BATHROOM! Put your hands in the air and feel the beat, babe! Pump it up! I know! I am so awesome it should be illegal! Call the cops, Kallan! I don’t even care!
Ahem.
Back at the table, inquiries are being made about a boat.
Maj watches in horror as Kallan and I dance back to our seats.
I perhaps high-five a mostly sober Mark on my drunk parenting skills.
And then there is food.
Thank god.
When we arrive home, the girls somehow end up in bed and Mark brings me a third beer.
Mark is well-acquainted with the effects of a third beer.
Here I am . . .
Remember when we used to have that wiggly waterbed? I was good at that so I am sure I will be fine on this tiny boat although first time we are dumped into the river I am going to kick your ass oh that’s nice seriously babe the river is cold so this boat better not tip over no I am not saying don’t buy the damn thing I am asking for promises of sea-worthiness. Why yes I am singing the song from Gilligan’s Island . . . what’s your point? I will be Mary Ann except naked. What? Yeah, I know . . . I seem to be completely unable to stop talking or giggling! Distract me, babe! Ooooh . . . yes, that’s good. Hushing now. Bwahahahahahaaahaha! Oops. Sorry. Carry on. Wait . . . babe? Either I am having a stroke or you suddenly smell like bananas. You bought the fruit-flavored condoms? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I thought I was doomed! Aren’t phantom smells a sign of stroke? Bwahahahahaha! This is a real smell and it is a sign of stroking! How is that not funny? That is so funny. OK, hushing now. Bring it, babe. BRING IT! Afterward, I am feeling the need for a banana split, by the way. Bwahahahahaaa! Oops. Sorry. Carry on.
Ahem.
Ahem.
Sadly the only thing alcohol does to me is make me sleepy.
I’m tired enough.
So I rarely drink unless out dancing, which counteracts the sleepiness.
Usually, I’m the person accused of being drunk early. Because I’m with Kallan – always up for the silly dancing.
Naughty Mark.. Using the third beer trick.
Ahem.
Wow.. first! Amazing what can happen when my Lil Diva takes a decent nap…
Kelly -
I am not usually a dancer, but Kallan is, and she encourages me.
She is evil that way.
Maj was horrified.
Horrified and disgusted.
Poor Maj.
Me
So what happens when you have a fourth beer??
I don’t drink so I would have been fucked up after the first beer.
I have to think that when buying a boat, you wouldn’t want a fixer-upper. That has “will most likely sink” written all over it.
And?
BAHAHAHAHA! at “It’s about to get funky up in here.”
Stasha -
The 4th beer moves me quickly to sleep.
Do not pass GO. Do not collect $200.
Just sleep.
We’ll see about the boat . . . Mark is good at fixing things up, and the girls are all kinds of excited at the possibility of a boat.
We’ll see.
Sigh.
Kris
I don’t think a boat would be a bad thing.
Lots of fun to be had and memories to be made.
Stasha -
That’s what I’m thinking. So I am going to relax and go with the flow on this one. Get it? Flow of the river?
I crack myself up.
Also?
I’m thinking the 4 of us in a small boat?
Nothing but blog posts, as far as the eye can see.
Snort!
Yes because you are all lacking in the blog fodder department.
Hee hee!
Snort!
I do have a lot of material around here.
I really do.
I sadly am not a lightweight. I can handle three martinis with moderately giggles. I do however get tired…as in, I could put my head down whereever I am and fall asleep tired. So Rocket’s attempts are sadly thwarted when I drink martinis. And I love that you were singing to Gilligan’s Island..and would love to hear the stories of you all on a boat!
I used to be able to drink more.
Not that this is a good thing, but it’s true.
These days?
One is good.
Two is a party.
And three is bedtime.
As for the boat?
I am nervous.
But I will keep you posted.
Me
I really want a beer now. Reggae music at an irish pub? Weird and not natural.
I know!
Guess what?
I have a popsicle, but I would like a beer as well.
Hmmm.
I want a popsicle!
A red one???
Please?
Yes . . . here.
Orange is my favorite, so I have extra red.
I have eaten four so far . . . I am going to catch so much shit from the girls when they get home.
WHO ATE ALL OF THE POPSICLES????
Ummm . . . Stasha.
Yum.
YAY!
I will take all the blame.
ALL of it.
Heh.
I want a banana, I want a banana, bring me back a banana sailerboy!
I want a banana, I want a banana, that’s something I really could enjoy!
You can tell the captain, you can tell the crew, I don’t want a monkey or a cocatoo!
O-O … ok I’m done
BWAHAHAHAHAAHAA!
Oh my god.
You crack me up.
I want to sing that song!
Mark?
Where’d you go, babe?
Guys fuck Ginger.
They marry Mary Ann.
This is from the hubs.
Who fantasized about Mary Ann.
And married me cause I’m easy.
Specially after that 3rd gin and tonic.
Snort.
And thank Mark for my singing the Banana Boat song very loudly and driving the boys nuts!
Heh.
Mary Ann does quite well for herself, thank you very much.
Especially when she gets all easy after that third drink.
Ooooh . . . I so wish I had had the presence of mind to sing the Banana Boat song the other night! That would have been awesome. Maybe next time.
Silly man with the fruit offerings.
Hee hee!
oh. my. god.
If one beer ever inspired me to agree to buy a boat? I would hop on that damn wagon so fast his head would spin!
I am however, happily and giggly off the wagon with dark rum and Coke with a cherry as my drink of choice. We can absolutely agree on the cherries!
I get giggly and talkative after one, and stay that way, as long as I keep going.
When the rum is done I just fall asleep, that’s it, no rum, no fun!
(now all I hear in my head is Captain Jack Sparrow lamenting the loss of the rum!)
oh, and martinis, I lurve martinis!
Shawna -
It’s not like the topic hasn’t come up . . . I have been argumentative and resistant to the idea of a boat.
But this is a tiny boat. Inexpensive. A project boat.
So he timed his request to coincide with the end of my first beer.
He is a smart man and he generally gets what he wants.
Shhhh.
I like to imagine I am in charge around here.
Sigh.
” no one is ever going to come over here and inquire as to my cherry needs …”
Are you sure you weren’t at 3 beers at this point??? Good thing your girls are too young to understand. Lol. Though I guess if there were actually cherries there it might not sound so funny. Naw, still funny.
I’m happy/giggly at one drink and sleepy after 2. Unless you are smart like my husband & get me to drink a shot & a drink at the same time. Then there is the potential for lots of um fun.
Yeah slutty fun. As long as I don’t fall asleep before I get home.
Snort!
Lizzie -
Mark thought the discussion of my cherry needs was HYSTERICAL!
The girls are pretty sure he is insane.
I have not done shots in forever.
Me doing shots?
Mark would have to move quickly.
Zzzzzzzzzz.
I have only done a shot once. I think I ate that night too. Normally two drinks like that? Yeah I would be asleep in my seat. Totally.
It just worked that night. I was also karaokeing. Ok I can sing. I like to sing. But I try not to drink and sing. Just not a good combo. Everyone said I sang fine. I tend to doubt it.
But it was fun. Giggles all night.
Including later. ;-D
That giggling of which you speak?
Including later?
My favorite thing ever.
Swoon!
Kris
Kris,
YAY Total Domination IPA.
Yay Bob Marley in kilts, mahn.
Yay brilliant financial decisions like small leaky boats and Crack Puppies.
Thanks for the laughs, mate.
Bill
Bill -
You love me.
If I was responsible and financially wise all the time?
I would be a lot less interesting.
I like me interesting.
Plus chatty.
Cheers!
Kris
Congrats on reaching your “like” on Facebook! I feel I have to nag people into it too, and I’m nowhere near YOUR status. ;-) You’ve made me feel a teensy bit better.
I like that Maj tries to beat you into submission with her annoyed stares. I was like that with my mother. Sounds like Maj and I have the same luck, as it only hyped my mom up too. :-)
Danielle is working to add 50 people . . . she is a better bosser than I am, apparently.
YAY for readers who are willing to boss the crap out of others on my behalf!
And Maj always tries to will me into submission with her glare.
And yes . . . it generally has the opposite effect on me.
Snort!
So much fun to fuck with her.
So . . . much . . . fun.
Kris
LMAO. I always said that any alcohol went straight to the back of my knees and made me walk wiggly and unhinge at inopportune moments!
Lori -
You unhinge?
I LOVE THAT!
I may use that.
Yes . . . I come unhinged.
Yay!
Me
after 3 beers, i either want to go dancing on bar-tops, or to bed. i never can tell which way it will go! LOL!
but mostly, when a drink is in me, once i get to my bedroom, i zonk out. i love sleep more than sex. it’s a sad truth! we have really good sex, too! but given the option in these toddler/school age years of mothering, sleep trumps sex, 99.9% of the time!
also, on the boat – i’d like to point out that a boat is probably cheaper than the pool :) hahahaha!
Sarah -
Sleep trumps sex?
Not even. But if that is the case at your house? You need more daytime sex.
Make a note.
Make a note and lock the door.
Hee hee!
And yes! I figure a tiny project boat is waaaaaaay cheaper than a pool.
Potentially, lots and lots of fun too.
Sign me up!
Kris
daytime sex would be all sorts of awesome. i’m awake and ready. after 8 pm, i’m no good. sadly, hubby and i both have these pesky job things that keep us from having nooners while the kids are at daycare/school. stinkin’ jobs!
but we do need to focus more on weekend daytime sex! maybe we need to drug the children…..lol.
Sarah -
Yes, I know . . . Mark has one of those job things as well.
But he gets home long before we go to bed.
Just saying.
I’m the psychophant – WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
PS – I also read the post, hehe, and I do believe that my alcohol intake and yours mirror each other. Well back when the picture I chose was taken at least…. now it’s more like 1 sip, 2 sips, 3 sips. But thats what about 4 years of pregnancy and/or breastfeeding does to you, bahahaha.
Danielle -
Yes . . . being a mom changes things.
Hmmph.
But YAY FOR BEING A PSYCHOPHANT!
YOU ARE AWESOME!
Thank you, babe.
Also?
You are gorgeous in all of your photos, but this one?
It sort of kicks ass.
Wow.
Me
Awww thanks!
I love this picture.
I miss those piercings.
I’d like to get them back…. and some others that I used to have to.
Hehe.
Wait . . . WHAT?
Bahahahaha.
Well I used to have my ears, navel, tongue, nose, and….. nipples pierced. Hehehehe. :)
Swoon!
You would not know this from the fabulous Mom-photos you have on your blog.
LOVE a woman with a past of the pierced sort!
Love.
I was a rebel… I have 5 tattoos too :)
My posts on the blog tend to stay very family friendly…. but the one titled “10 Things You Probably Shouldn’t Know About Me” is a little more risque, not much, but some.
I’m determined to get those piercings back though.. someday!
Danielle -
Link, please . . . to the unmommish risque post.
Yay!
Me
unmommish post….. hehe
http://happeningsoftheharperhousehold.net/2011/05/10-things-you-probably-shouldnt-know-about-me/
I also wrote a little “i love kris” post. hehe.
http://happeningsoftheharperhousehold.net/2011/06/im-a-psychophant/
OK . . . first post? LOVED. I wondered about that tattoo on your foot.
Second post? YOU ARE BUYING ME LOVE?
Shhhh.
I feel all dirty.
Snort.
Kris
Hmmm… it wouldn’t let me reply to the thread.
Buying… no no no…. Bribing… yes, hehe.
And it’s working – 918 and counting!
Plus I know after reading a post or two they will be hooked like I was :)
Plus sometimes it’s fun to feel dirty, hehe.
Comment threads go ten deep . . . which is just so sad, because sometimes deeper is required.
What?
Shhh on the bribing.
People are going to give me shit.
SHUT UP, PEOPLE!
So annoying.
Hee hee!
One “buy me a beer” down. Two more to go…
…at least.
Hee hee!
Cheers!
I think a boat is good.
I also think beer is good.
But beer while in a boat? Not good.
That is all.
Elissa -
Beer and a boat? Together?
Not even.
Eek.
Not even.
Promise.
Me