Maj recently took a babysitting class.
She learned all kinds of good stuff . . . none of which is appropriate when dealing with a younger sibling.
Apparently.
So today . . . Maj’s response to my suggestion that she use her new-found skills when dealing with Kallan:
Are you kidding me, Mother?
1) When babysitting, it is important to speak in a calm voice so that the children know that you are in charge and have things under control.
AUGHGHGH! Dire emergency! DIRE! DIRE! The ice cream dropped out of the freezer! Help me! HELP ME! KALLAN, GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME! What is wrong with you? Why are you just standing there! I NEED HELP DIRELY!
2) When babysitting, it is important to answer children’s questions politely, even if the questions don’t seem important to you.
“Maj? What button on the remote control does a cat like best?”
Kallan, I don’t even care! ANNOYING! Can’t you see that I am busy being an only child in my head? Stop asking me stupid riddles and questions!
3) When babysitting, find safe activities that the kids like to do and then engage in those activities with the kids.
“Maj? Want to help me teach the dog to roll over?”
No. Don’t ask me again.
4) When babysitting, be patient with the children.
Kallan, I have asked you ten times to stop singing. The buzzing sound of your Baby K whine-voice is going into my brain and destroying my will to live! STOP SINGING! YOU ARE THE WORST SINGER IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, AND I CANNOT STAND IT. Stop singing!
5) When babysitting, try to keep your irritation to yourself. It is never wise to lose your temper over small things.
How on earth are you making so much noise chewing Doritos? Seriously, how is that possible? That is the most disgusting noise I have ever heard. You are driving me insane. STOP IT. If the people of Dorito knew about this, they would ban you from the purchase of their cheesy snacks. Seriously, Kallan. Cheesy chip BANNED! Stop CRUNCHING!
6) Try not to make too many extra rules, as extra rules will just confuse and frustrate children.
OK, Kallan. You get one point if you touch the pillow, but not if I have touched you before you get there. You cannot touch the bed with your foot. No somersaults. If the ball goes in the basket before I yell time-out you get a point unless I was coughing and meant to say time-out and then there is a do-over. You cannot start until I say go. Bonus points if you hold your breath or if your eyes are closed. You cannot lean over the starting line. One hand only on the ball. No bouncing unless you are also going to jump. Remember to stay under the yarn web I have strung across the room! ACK! Penalty! Penalty! Weren’t you listening?
7) If there are things the children are not supposed to touch, put those things away so that the children are not tempted.
That’s my book! That’s my game! That’s my purse! That’s my candy! That’s my sweater! That’s my phone! That’s my magazine! That’s my pen! That’s my paint set! Listen, demonic sister-child . . . KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF OF MY THINGS!
8) Let the children be in charge and make choices whenever possible.
I don’t care how many times you ask me, Kallan. I have the remote control and I am in charge of what we are watching. I am also in charge of skipping through the ads. I am also in charge of pausing the show, and I will pause only when I find that pausing is necessary. I am in charge here. Deal with it. Really? Fine . . . cry like a baby. I AM UNMOVED. Plus unpaused.
9) When babysitting, never make fun of the children.
Really, Kallan? That’s what you’re wearing? You look ridiculous. Fine. Wear it if you want, but it needed to be said . . . you look utterly ridiculous. Who told you that you could wear mascara? You look like a sad clown. Is that the look you were going for? If so . . . BRAVO.
10) If a child is injured, administer 1st Aid and offer comfort.
Yeah, well. This would not have happened if you hadn’t been jumping on the couch like I told you not to do. Get your own Band-Aid . . . if you had followed instructions, you would not have gotten hurt. How is it my job to get you a Band-Aid when you are the stupid one who fell off the couch? Maybe next time you will listen to me. I have wisdom.
**************
People?
Sigh.
Sister-sitting is tricky.
Although . . . Maj tells me that all things are possible if the price is right.
Snort!
She learned that in babysitting class.
