My daughters stand before me.
I lecture them.
“Listen, ladies. It’s time to get ready for bed. So Kallan? You go get your pajamas on first while Maj brushes her teeth. Then pass one another in the hallway without touching. Then Kallan brushes her teeth while Maj changes into pajamas. Got it? Completely separate paths. Do not talk to one another. Do not harass one another. Do not come screaming down here to tell on one another. Do you understand?”
Maj rolls her eyes, “You talk to us like we are babies.”
Kallan nods her head, “Geez, Mom. Don’t throw a cow.”
I glare at them, “DO YOU UNDERSTAND?”
They understand.
They run away and up the stairs.
A single moment of silence passes.
I hear the rumblings of argument . . . louder and louder and louder.
Then a scream . . . “AIEIEIEIEIEIEEEEEEEIIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEE!”
I turn to Mark, “I hope you have enjoyed parenthood, because I am going to kill them.”
Mark shrugs, “It’s been a good ride. Do what you have to do.”
The girls’ feet pound down the stairs, their voices tumbling over one another . . . “Maj called me ugly no I did not Maj called me ugly no I did not Maj called me ugly no I did not Maj called me the ugliest thing she had ever seen NO I DID NOT.”
“Ladies, be quiet!”
They stare at me.
“Nobody talk but me,” and I turn to Kallan, “You had better not be telling me that you screamed like you were being ax murdered because your sister called you ugly.”
Kallan pouts her lower lip, “My soul was chopped, Mom. Ax-chopped. A scream was needed to mark the death of my innocent soul.”
I turn to Maj, “And it had better not turn out that you called your sister ugly. You know how I feel about that.”
Maj yells in frustration, “YOUR SOUL WAS AX-CHOPPED, KALLAN? Mother, I hope you are not buying this story. She is a liar. Also, she failed to properly brush her teeth. I know you will want to make note of this failure and address this hygiene issue after the matter of the ax-chopped soul has been dismissed.”
Annoying.
“OK, Maj. DO NOT TALK. I am going to talk to Kallan first. Your turn will come next. DO NOT TALK, MAJ. Got it?”
“Got it. But I would just like to say, Mother . . . you are choosing the wrong side to hear first. I could clear this up with a few short sentences of sister blame.”
“DO . . . NOT . . . TALK . . . MAJ.”
Maj crosses her arms, “Mother, you get cranky at the end of the day. Are you aware? Alright, alright . . . I am hushing.”
I turn to Kallan, “With as few words as possible, explain.”
Kallan is all earnestness, “I was all pure and innocent in my bedroom and then Maj came in and called me ugly. And I said, ‘I am not even ugly, Maj. Your words cannot harm me.’ Then she said that I was the ugliest thing she had ever seen and then I tried to be strong but she hurt my feelings and so then I let out a scream of ax-chopped soul death and came down here to tell on her. She is my sister and she should not hurt my feelings that way. Deal with her, Mom.”
Maj’s jaw hangs open.
I sigh, “OK, Kallan. Is that it?”
Kallan nods her head, “That’s the total truth.”
Maj bursts, “YOU ARE INSANE!”
Kallan looks at her sister sadly, “It hurts me when you insult me, Maj.”
Maj turns to me, “Is it my turn now?”
I sigh again, “Yes, go ahead. Kallan, you be quiet while Maj talks.”
Maj talks rapidly, “OK, so you said for me to brush my teeth first but Kallan ran up the stairs ahead of me and into the bathroom. I stood outside the door and she said she was brushing her teeth. Except when she came out, she had not even brushed her teeth because the sink was dry and there was not the slightest hint of minty freshness in the air. So she walked past me and I went into the bathroom and the toilet was open and she pooed in the toilet, Mother! She pooed in the toilet and she did not even flush and now that I think of it she didn’t even wash her hands because the sink was dry and she is just the most disgusting . . .”
I interrupt, “Stay on topic, Maj. Get to the name-calling ugly part.”
“I am, Mother! So I went to her room and I said, ‘Kallan, get back here and flush your ugly poo down the toilet!’ And she said that it wasn’t her poo that it must be the poo of some homeless guy who had snuck into the house and pooed in our bathroom which makes no sense at all and so I said it was her ugly poo and she needed to come flush the ugly poo down the toilet and then she screamed like a crazy person and ran down here to tell on me.”
I turn back to Kallan, “Huh.”
Kallan is all innocence, “What?”
“I know you are not going to stand there and argue that your poo is cute.”
Kallan grows sheepish, “She called me ugly, Mom. A soul-killing blow, remember?”
“Yeah, I was all on your side until I heard the other side. Funny how that works. You do understand that I am going to be a little less sympathetic if it turns out the soul-killing ax blow of ugly was aimed at your poo, right?”
Maj snorts.
Kallan tries to salvage the situation, “I had no idea there was poo in the toilet! I cannot be held accountable for homeless man poo! I thought she was calling me an ugly poo! I was so devastated, I forgot that detail!”
I glare at her, “Not even.”
Kallan speaks slowly and backs away, “It’s late. I should so be in bed. So ummm, let’s just pretend this whole conversation never happened.”
She turns to Maj as she leaves the room, “Want to help me make a bed for the homeless guy in the bathtub?”
Maj turns to me, “She is insane, you know.”
But she runs after her sister, “I’ll get him a blanket! Do not use my pillow! Take one of Mother’s!”
I hear Kallan yelling happily, “I’ll get him some Kaopectate!”
Wait . . . what?
