Brrrrrriiiiiiing.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Kris!”
“I hate you.”
“What?”
“I hate you. It rained all day here and I hate you. It’s not raining anymore, but I still hate you.”
“OK, that makes sense.”
“Also, I hate the boat.”
“I am going to need more help, Kris.”
“Hmmm . . . seems like I remember someone saying, ‘I will just put the cover on this boat and you shouldn’t have to worry about it while we’re gone.’”
“And?”
“Liar! It rained a lot, babe. There was worry.”
“Sorry.”
“I had to go out there with a huge bowl and bail out the boat cover. Stupid drapey thing just collected water in huge lakes.”
“Sorry.”
“Stop laughing! So it is pouring rain, and I am climbing on the trailer and leaning in from the side to bail out the lake in the back of the boat, but there is another even bigger lake in the front of the boat. Which I cannot get to without taking the back of the cover off the boat, which will make the boat all wet because it is pouring rain, and which then defeats the purpose of the boat cover altogether.”
“Mmpph snorffllee mmppph.”
“Very mature. You just keep giggling. So then I see that the front part of the boat cover is ripping beneath the weight of the water, so I have to take the back of the cover off of the boat to access the front of the boat and then rain falls in the boat and I am bailing out the front of the boat and did I mention that it is pouring rain and I am all wet and pissed off and embarrassed to be standing tall in our useless boat in our driveway bailing it the fuck out with a salad bowl?”
“Snort mmphtpyhh mmmph hmppdhsh.”
“Plus covered in hives because I decided the best approach would be all casual . . . Oh, look! The boat needs a little help. I will just do that on my way back from checking the mail. No raincoat is needed because I am all casual and there is not even an emergency.”
“Mmmpph.”
“Yes, I am all casual and so my allergy to cold need not concern me. Oh, what’s this? Some casual boat water that needs addressing.”
“Splllfff mmmph hmmspjddff.”
“I hope you choke on that laughter, sailor boy.”
“Oh my god. I am so sorry to have missed this spectacle.”
“Three times I had to casually bail out that stupid boat. Breaking out in hives every time.”
“Hee hee!”
“I am perhaps not making us any cooler with the neighbors in your absence.”
“Oh my god, Kris. I do miss you.”
“Also? I have checked the mail like eight billion times in the last three days. Everyone must think I am insane. Is there mail now? Is there mail now? Is there mail now? Is there mail now?”
“Kris?”
“It’s so annoying, because we always get mail, but now that I am here by myself? No mail. I keep checking all casually because I am insane, but there is never any mail.”
“Kris?”
“What?”
“It’s Sunday.”
“Well, I know that. But we haven’t had mail for the last few days, and so I keep thinking maybe one of our neighbors has our mail and they will drop it in our mailbox, so I go out to check.”
“Kris?”
“Casually. I check casually. Not like I am obsessive or anything.”
“Kris?”
“What?”
“I stopped the mail.”
“No, you did not.”
“Yeah, when we thought you were coming with us. I stopped the mail. I canceled that request right before we left, but they must have missed that.”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously.”
“OK, now I feel massively stupid.”
“Sorry.”
“Babe, I just know the neighbors think I am insane. Checking the mail all obsessively casually, bailing out our stupid boat in the rain, ignoring the weeds.”
“What weeds?”
“What do you mean what weeds? There are weeds all over the front yard.”
“The neighbors don’t care about the weeds.”
“I think they might be noticing the weeds as they stare at me making an ass of myself bailing water out of the boat in the rain. Plus, yesterday? When it was not raining? They were all out gardening in judgmental fashion.”
“You worry too much.”
“And you worry not at all . . . that’s not healthy, babe.”
“Maj says to say . . .”
“Oh my god! Oh my god! Shit!”
“What’s wrong?”
“OK, the neighbors are having a dinner party or something in their back yard.”
“So?”
“So when I answered the phone, I was down in the basement. You know I can’t talk on the phone without wandering, so I am wandering through the house as we talk.”
“So?”
“So it’s dark in the house, and I didn’t turn any lights on as I wandered through the house.”
“Because that would be insane.”
“Shut up. So anyway . . . AUGH! I did it again! What is wrong with me?”
“What are you doing?”
“Shhhhh. OK, so the neighbors are in their back yard with their friends and they have a light on or something . . . it’s all golden light over there. I can look down on them from that one side window. You know what one I mean?”
“Yes, but why are you staring at them?”
“Because I am drawn to the golden light! I am like a moth!”
“Walk away.”
“I did. But oh my god, I am back here again! I am not really even looking at them, but I am drawn to this window like a moth to a porch light! Make me stop!”
“Turn on a light in the house.”
“I can’t do that. They will see me.”
“I thought they already saw you staring at them.”
“Maybe they didn’t. Maybe . . . AUGH! I am at the window again! Staring down at them! I am insane!”
“Kris, walk away from the window.”
“Oh lord . . . how many times have I stared at them? Fuck, they are going to think I am all pathetic and alone and sad that they didn’t invite me. I am staring at their party like a homeless woman staring through the window at people eating their meals in a restaurant.”
“Kris?”
“What? Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck.”
“I am sure they are too busy talking to notice you.”
“I wish I could lip-read.”
“WHY ARE YOU STARING AT THEM?
“Oh my god! You are right! I am at the window again! How did that happen?”
“Kris?”
“Why did you not stop me?”
“Oh my god. Kris?”
“Stop laughing! I don’t need to read lips. I know what they are saying.”
“What are they saying?”
“They are saying . . . ‘Oh my god . . . there she is again! I can’t eat when she is staring at me! She looks so sad and hungry! I feel so bad!’”
“You’re staring at them again, aren’t you?”
“AUGH!”
“Maj says hi.”
“Tell her I said hi.”
“You’re still staring at them, aren’t you?”
“It’s the light, babe. I am a moth.”
“I miss you.”
“I miss you, too.”
“Night.”
