Brrriiiinnnng!
“Hello?”
“Hey, Kris!”
“It’s early. You don’t usually call me until you are just about to go to bed. Everything OK?”
“Yeah, I just miss talking to you. The three hour time difference makes it tricky, and I am all tired at the end of the day. We don’t really get the chance to talk. Thought I would take some time here in the middle of the day to touch base.”
“Awww. I miss you too.”
“Love you.”
“Love you too. So what did you guys do today?”
“Well, we went to the mppphtssff and we mmmppphhff and then mmmphppd got all phthstsfttt and she threw a big pfffttt and I just decided I would mmmphphpt.”
“Babe, why are you whispering?”
“I don’t want them to hear me.”
“OK, but I can’t hear you either. Speak up.”
“WE HAD A GREAT DAY!”
“That is not even what you said the first time.”
“People can hear me, Kris.”
“Can’t you talk without divulging painful secrets?”
“So we all went together to hshhshhpst and I wanted to hmmph but then there was an aaarmgmgmtmtm and so I said I didn’t pppmh and I think they will mmmpphtsftt.”
“Are . . . you . . . kidding . . . me?”
“I know, right?”
“Mark, I have no idea what you said. You all went to the water park and you wanted to pee in the pool but then there was an elephant and so you said maybe not right this moment as I will suffer by comparison?”
“What?”
“Laugh, damn it! Seriously? How is that not funny? Because you would be tiny in comparison to the elephant. So when he filled his trunk with water and sprayed it everywhere, he would just put your stream to shame.”
“Yes. That’s exactly what I said.”
“Not to mention your trunk. Poor incomparable tiny you.”
“Kris, you know that’s not what I said.”
“So what did you say?”
“WE HAD SO MUCH FUN! THE GIRLS HAD A BLAST!”
“Liar.”
“You’re going to get me in trouble.”
“With whom? You are almost 50 years old. Mom and Dad going to ground you?”
“Be quiet. It’s just that I am in my bedroom and I have the door closed and there are a lot of people and I don’t want anyone to hear what I am saying and take it out of context.”
“BWAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Stop that.”
“You are like a teenager! You are hiding in your bedroom like a kid!”
“Shut up.”
“I have never wanted you more.”
“Kris, listen . . . WHAT? GET OUT OF HERE! I AM ON THE PHONE!”
“BWAHAHAHAHA!”
“GO AWAY! I TOLD YOU I WAS GOING TO BE ON THE PHONE. GO AWAY.”
“BWAHAHAHAHA!”
“NO, I AM NOT BEING MEAN. I WOULD JUST LIKE A MOMENT OF PRIVACY.”
“Oh, my god, babe. I cannot even breathe. Was that Kallan?”
“Yes, I ask her for a few minutes of quiet in my room, and she cannot even give it to me . . . SHUT THE DOOR!”
“I . . . cannot . . . breathe.”
“So anyway, I miss you and I miss talking to you and this afternoon? I was talking to mppthrhtt and he said mlkmkmkhhp and so I was wondering if you knsjbfhsdf.”
“You might have to text me this super-spy information. I have no idea what you are saying. You are the worst whisperer in the world.”
“Just listen.”
“OK, try again.”
“OH MY GOD. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHY CAN’T I HAVE A FEW MINUTES TO TALK ON THE PHONE?”
“BWAHAHAHA! . . . Is that Kallan again?”
“NO, I DID NOT TELL YOUR SISTER TO SEND YOU UP HERE. NO, I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU AT THIS MOMENT.”
“Oh my god! Kallan sent Maj up?”
“NO, I AM NOT BEING CRABBY. YOUR SISTER IS A PAIN. TELL HER I SAID SO. NO, I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW.”
“Seriously cannot breathe again . . . so much giggling.”
“LOOK! LOOK WHAT I AM HOLDING! A PHONE! THIS IS WHAT I AM DOING RIGHT NOW. I AM TALKING ON THE PHONE. PLEASE GO AWAY.”
“Mark? In my mind you are 16 years old and hiding in your bedroom, trying to talk to your girlfriend as your two sisters torture you. Sexy as hell, babe.”
“What?”
“Sexy . . . as . . . hell.”
“DANG IT! I SAID SHUT THE DOOR!”
“Dying, babe. Dying of the sexiness over here.”
“Shut up.”
“Hee hee!”
“OK, so now both Maj and Kallan have run TO TELL ON ME! LIKE BABIES! So I guess I have to go.”
“Oh my god . . . they are telling on you? I am so turned on right now.”
“Later, Kris.”
“Mom! Dad! It wasn’t my fault! The girls were torturing me!”
“Shut up. I am a grown-up.”
“I hope they don’t take away your phone privileges.”
“Shut up.”
