People? I have promised to camp in the back yard with Kallan this evening.
Which means I need to get my ass out into the newly-mown and tented wilderness.
So today, I bring you another installment of . . . .
Random Bits of Conversation from our House
1) Maj and I wander through the mall, and she speaks sadly, “I hurt, Mother. I want you to understand that I hurt. It just pains me to see all of these purchasing opportunities pass by neglected. I know we are here to shop for Kallan’s birthday, but these items call to be owned by The Maj and I feel their pain. It is difficult being The Maj, Mother. Items call to me and I feel their pain at being rejected. Goodbye, iPad! Mommy loves you!”
2) Kallan and I sit down to play another game of Backgammon. Kallan’s voice is filled with concern, “Is it difficult to sit, Mom? I have been kicking your butt so badly, I am thinking it must be all dented. Can I get you a pillow for your kick-dented booty?”
3) I drag an incredibly bad-tempered Maj out of the sporting goods store and bring my face close to hers, “Listen, you. You can either pay me $10.00 for putting up with your crap, or you can stand here outside the store and dance a jig of joy by way of apology.” After a few moments of consideration, Maj danced the jig of apologetic joy. Passersby applauded.
4) Maj is cutting ham and Kallan wanders through the kitchen, “What are you doing, Maj?” Upon receiving the oddly phrased answer, “Making ham dice,” Kallan giggles and says, “Roll me some piggy double sixes, Maj!”
5) Maj points out a large van in the parking lot that says Skin City Tattoos and Body Piercings, “Do they do the tattoos and piercings in the van? Because that would be an incredibly easy way to collect stupid people . . . anyone who climbs into the back of a windowless van to get a tattoo or a piercing? That person is lucky to have lived long enough to make that final stupid choice.”
6) Mark to me, as I try to engage him in conversation, “Let me sleep on it. That question requires careful thought, so let me sleep on it. I do my best sleep when I am sleeping. I mean my best thinking. I do my best thinking when I am sleeping. What was the question?”
7) Maj, screaming angrily, just before bedtime, “There is a dead salamander in my room, and it is telling me that Kallan is the Devil!”
8) Kallan stares at a driver ahead of us giving an elderly woman pedestrian an overly wide berth, “How does he think she needs that much room? It’s like he thinks she is going to die, but instead of crumpling to the ground, she will fall into traffic like a tree!”
9) Kallan dances into the living room booty first, “You know what would be awesome? If my butt was a wood chipper. I would just back up to things and RRRRRRRRrrrrr . . . they would be chipped! How is that funny? That would be awesome!”
10) I am eating some Cheezits in the kitchen with Maj, and I swallow a small square cracker incorrectly. I start to choke and cough. I cannot talk for a minute, and when I finally recover, I stare at Maj. She has her eyes closed and her fingers in her ears. I tap her on the shoulder, “Really, Maj? Is that what they taught you in that First Aid class you took? Nicely done.”
Maj’s response? “If you want help, next time don’t be so disgusting.”
Geez.
