Jack?
Uh oh.
That does not sound good.
Jack? Where are you, Jack?
Crap.
I hate when she gets like this.
Has anybody seen Jack?
Stealthy and silent . . . tippy toes over to the laundry room; she will never find me in there.
Jack?
Ack! Speedier tippy-toes!
Jack?
Fuck it! RUN! Run like the wind!
Jack? Come here, boy!
Crap, crap, crap! My toes are noisy! I need paddy feet!
Retract the toes!
Jack? Where are you?
Ow, ow, ow . . . agony to run on silent curled stubbed feet!
Stupid ungroomed toes; this is all her fault.
Jack? I need you!
She is hunting me down! This is like a nightmare!
Jack? I need you!
Fuck that.
Scurry . . . skid.
LEAP!
Burrow in the dirty laundry . . . underwear on my head . . . she will never look here.
Jack, I know you are in here somewhere.
Shhhhh.
Don’t move a muscle.
I see your tail!
That’s not my tail. Look away. NOT MY TAIL.
There you are!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK.
Awww, look at my baby Jack. You are so cute.
Why must you carry me on my back? I am not a baby!
Such a cutie wootie baby.
Stop this babytalk bullshit. I am a man dog, lady, and I will fuck you up.
Come on, Jack. Come snuggle with mommy.
Put me down, lunatic furless woman.
Mommy loves you.
YOU ARE NOT MY MOMMY.
Awww . . . kisses for the baby Jackie.
Kill me now.
Jack, no one else wants to talk to me, but I know you understand.
Why do they get to say they do not want to talk to you?
I DO NOT WANT TO TALK TO YOU!
Bark!
Aww, I know you like to snuggle on the bed. Come on . . . we’ll lie down together for a little bit. We’ll snuggle!
Seriously? That bark was a Fuck-you, lady bark. It was not a Yay, let’s snuggle on the bed bark.
And now we’re snuggling on the bed.
Damn it.
You never listen to me.
Jack, I am having a hard time today and I just need someone to listen . . .
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah fucking blah.
Oh my god . . . DID YOU JUST GET EYE WATER ON MY FUR?
Tell me you did not just get eye water on my fur.
You did!
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Boundaries, you stupid woman.
Boundaries.
I will bite your ear right the fuck off . . . give you something to eye-water about.
I cannot believe this shit . . . MORE EYE WATER?
No wonder all the other furless creatures are hiding.
Why must I suffer?
Aoooooooo!
Jackie, I just love you so much! You are crying with me! You understand, don’t you?
Aoooooooo!
Why have I been sacrificed to the evil furless woman of eye water?
Somebody rescue me!
Aoooooooo!
Shhhh, Jackie . . . come snuggle closer.
Get . . . the . . . fuck . . . off . . . of . . . me.
Don’t kick, little man! Snuggle!
You do realize that snuggling does not generally involve being held captive by a giant furless needy beast, correct?
OW! You are killing me!
The horror!
I can’t feel my legs!
I CAN’T FEEL MY LEGS!
Let me just pet your head, Jack.
Yes, pet my head.
Pet my head as you crush my spine . . . that’s just perfect.
You like that, don’t you?
If I say yes, will you loosen your grip?
I can’t feel my ass!
I CAN’T FEEL MY ASS!
You are such a good snuggler!
I CAN’T FEEL MY MAN PART!
Aoooooooo!
My man part has died!
I love you, Jack. Stop squirming!
MY MAN PART IS DEAD!
Aooooooo!
YOU KILLED MY MAN PART!
I just have the one man part left and I love it and now it is dead!
Aooooooo!
You are such a good listener, Jack.
OK, lady? Listen carefully . . . if I get out of this “snuggling” alive, and I am able to drag my paralyzed lower half off of this bed and out of this room? I will spend the rest of my life trying to find a way to make you pay.
The rest of my fucking life will be spent making yours hell.
It’s not like I will have anything else to occupy my time . . . what’s the point of licking my ass and my man part if I CANNOT FEEL THEM?
Let me just pull you closer, baby man.
You are dead to me.
Dead as my man part.
Dead.
No one understands me except you.
MORE eye water?
You are a fucking freak.
AUGH! Stop squeezing me so tightly! I CANNOT BREATHE!
Aoooooo!
Gasp.
Alright, I will play dead.
Sometimes that works.
Empty my mind.
Let my body go limp.
I feel much better now, Jack.
Let my spirit leave this poor crushed body.
Thank you, Jack.
Grieve for the dead man part.
Quiet motionless grief.
Go away, crazy woman, so I can assess the full extent of the damage.
I love you, Jack.
Play dead. Do . . . not . . . move.
Mommy loves you.
Seriously, lady?
I do not even know what to say to you.
That is just so fucked up.
You want a treat?
So fucked up . . . I am a grown man dog and I am broken. Your fucked-up mommy love has broken me. I cannot even believe this shit. Just because I am smaller and furrier than you are does not give you the right to . . . WAIT . . . did you say treat?
Do you want a treat, Jack?
Let me check if my tail works . . . you like the tail.
Wag, wag, wag.
You love me, Jack?
I love the SHIT out of you if it means I get a treat.
Come on, Jack! I’ll get you a treat!
I may need you to carry me to the treat, lady.
I am broken and man-part deaded.
Awww . . . that wiggle thing you are doing is so cute! You want me to carry you? You just don’t want the snuggling to stop, do you?
Just get me the fucking treat.
Yum.
