I am sitting in the back yard as the girls eat ice cream.
Mark bought some super-sized pack of Costco ice cream treats, and the consumption of these treats has been the subject of controversy.
Yay!
Sigh.
I raise my hand as Maj comes running across the yard to me, “Do not tell on your sister.”
Maj speaks breathlessly and completely ignores my command, “Kallan is peeling off the nuts from the top of the ice cream cone and you said maybe she should choose a different kind of ice cream if she wasn’t going to eat the nuts and she said OK she would eat the nuts but she is not eating the nuts she is throwing them to the dog look at Persie do you think Persie is sucking at the dirt for no good reason nuts I tell you nuts the dog is sucking nuts from the dirt! Deal with the K, Mother. Deal with her harshly.”
My hand is still up in the air, “What about those words is at all like not telling on your sister?”
“Mother, you need to have this information so you can make informed punishment decisions.”
“Maj, you are driving me crazy. Whether or not Kallan eats the nuts off of the ice cream cone has nothing to do with you. Nothing.”
“Fine, Mother. Live in the land of ignorance and chaos. See how that works for you.”
I clap my hands foolishly, “Yay! I love it here!”
Maj is silent for a moment, but she watches as her sister flicks bits of nut topping to the dog. Maj’s hands are clenched at her sides, “Really, Mother? You are going to do nothing about this offense?”
“That is correct.”
“You feel fine about this?”
“I do.”
Maj takes a few bites of her own ice cream cone, “Kallan is going to grow up to be a hardened criminal, Mother. She will be arrested and she will go to prison for a long long time and everyone will want to know how this could have happened and you will be all . . . Duh, I have no idea at all because I was not so much paying attention when the seeds of evil first sprouted.”
I close my eyes and lift my face to the sun, “Luckily, you will be there.”
“YES! I will be there, and when they ask me how Kallan went so bad, I will be able to point to specific dates and times on which my mother failed to stomp the sprouts of evil.”
“Sprouts of evil? Really?”
“Yes, Mother . . . sprouts of evil. If you were paying attention, you would see that she is like an old potato of evil, with sprouts all over the place.”
I giggle, my eyes still closed, “I do like that image. Good one, Maj.”
“Thank you, Mother.”
Silence for a moment and then Maj snaps, “I cannot just stand out here and watch Kallan slip into lawlessness! I am going into the house.”
“Fine.”
“This means that I am leaving the supervision of Kallan to you, Mother.”
“Fine.”
“You should maybe think about opening your eyes, Mother. How will you see if you choose to be blind?”
“I have a system, Maj.”
“Ignorance is not a system, Mother.”
I sigh, “Maj, didn’t you say something about leaving?”
“Fine. I hope nothing bad happens on your unwatch.”
“Maj?”
“What?”
“Shhhhh.”
A different tone now, “Mother?”
“What, Maj?”
“Turns out I need a little help.”
I still don’t open my eyes, “What seems to be the problem?”
“I bit off the bottom of the ice cream cone so I could suck the ice cream through the bottom, but then I was talking to you and I forgot about the bottom being open and ice cream appears to have melted and dripped on my arm and leg and also my foot.”
I sigh and open my eyes, take in her stickiness, “So what do you want from me?”
“Could you get me a paper towel or something so I can wipe off before I go in the house?”
“Yeah, hold on.”
I walk into the house and get a paper towel. I run half of it under warm water and walk back to the door, “Here, babe.”
Maj takes the paper towel from me and then instantly recoils and drops it to the deck, “Ewwww . . . it’s all warm! Did you pee on it?”
I stare at her for a second, “Yes, Maj. That is exactly what I did. I stood in front of the kitchen sink and pulled down my pants and squatted and peed on this paper towel I am now suggesting you use to wipe off your hands and legs and feet and face. Because pretty much? I live in a constant state of high alert, waiting for opportunities to secretly pee on you. It’s lucky you are such a sound sleeper, Maj, or you would be filled with questions.”
Maj picks up the paper towel and sniffs it, “There is no need to be sarcastic, Mother. A simple reassuring, No, I did not pee on this paper towel would have been sufficient.”
“Make a note, Maj . . . I will never be offering those reassurances. Never. You are just going to have to live in constant pee fear.”
She wipes herself clean, “Does it amuse you to annoy me, Mother? All I want is to be sure that I am not cleansing with pee, Mother. That’s all I want.”
Kallan comes galloping up to the door, and Maj turns to me, “Mother! Deal with . . .”
But Kallan interrupts, “Hey, Maj? I was thinking that next time we have ice cream, I should just give you the nut topping part from my ice cream. Because I like that kind of ice cream cone best of all except for the nuts. So how about if I give the nuts to you?”
Maj stares at her sister for a second and then she turns back to me, “Ummm, Mother? Looks like Kallan and I have the ice cream situation under control. No need for you to intervene.”
I sit back down in my chair, “That’s awesome, Maj. I will just stay the course of ignorance.”
I close my eyes.
Maj speaks confidingly to Kallan as they go into the house, “Guess what? Mother does not care if you sprout like a potato, and I am pretty sure she pees on stuff when we are not looking.”
There is silence for a second as Kallan considers this information, and then she says, “I don’t know about the potato thing, but if Mom is peeing on stuff? I guess I would rather it be when I am not looking.”
Snort!
