It is time for another episode of . . .
Random Bits of Conversation at Our House
1) Maj is in trouble, and she is sulking in the back seat of the car. Kallan is positively giddy at not being the one in trouble, and she opens her window to yell repeatedly at passersby . . .
“HELLO! DO YOU KNOW MAJ? MAJ IS NOT AVAILABLE AT THIS MOMENT! I AM MAJ’S YOUNGER CUTER SISTER! THIS PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT HAS BEEN APPROVED FOR BROADCASTING BY MAJ, WHO IS MY SISTER!”
2) Mark and I are loading the groceries into the back of the minivan as the girls climb into their seats. As the van’s sliding door closes behind them, there is this from Maj . . .
“My shoe! HELP! My shoe! HELP! My shoe! Shoe shoe shoe shoe shoe! No one even cares? People, my SHOE! SHOE SHOE SHOE SHOE!”
Kallan stares incredulously back at Mark and me as Maj continues to shriek, “How long will it take Maj to figure out she should open the minivan door and get her shoe?”
“SHOE SHOE SHOE SHOE! UAAUGHGHGHGH! I have lost my shoe!”
Kallan taps Maj on the shoulder, “You know we’re still parked, right?”
3) Maj stares happily into the small paper bag that holds her gift-store purchases . . .
“I bought two worry stones to add to my collection!”
I hold out my hand, “Can I see?”
“Mother, I have to sanitize them first. Duh.”
“Really, Maj? You have to sanitize your worry stones?”
Maj stops to stare at me, “What’s your point?”
4) From Kallan, as she tends to a small injury . . .
“Get the dog away from me! JACKIE, GET AWAY! Mom, take Jackie! He heard the crinkle of my pee bag and he will not leave me alone. Get away from me and my pee bag, Jackie! Bad dog! This is my pee bag!”
So much giggling. What she was actually referring to was a bag of frozen peas . . . used as an ice pack on a wasp sting.
A “pea bag.”
Jack does like frozen peas.
5) Maj, thinking to score a quick sassy point . . .
“From now on, Mother? From now on, I will be referring to you as MUTHEEN. I believe it suits you.”
I turn to stare at Maj, “That would actually be fine, Maj. Because then I can start referring to you by the name I always use in my head when we are talking.”
She is suspicious, “And what would this name be, Mutheen?”
“Gilbert. It suits you.”
Maj considers for a moment, “Mother it is.”
6) Kallan comes racing into the kitchen . . .
“Mom, what is a spirit animal?”
“Ummm . . . I think the idea is that everyone is born with a spirit of an animal within, and then that spirit helps guide the person through life.”
“How do you find out what your spirit animal is?”
“I don’t actually know that much about this topic, babe.”
Kallan speaks with confidence, “Pretty sure mine is a Howling Banshee Monkey.”
“That sounds about right.”
7) Mark bought a $25 used bookshelf . . . an awesome gift because I still have boxes of books I have not unpacked from our move more than a year and a half ago. As we haul the bookshelf into the house, Mark apologizes for the fact that it has sort of a “country look.” Within minutes of this apology, he accidentally backs the edge of the bookshelf into the doorway . . . causing me to bash my head hard on the side of the bookshelf I am carrying.
Kallan and Maj consult for a few minutes, and then they sing us a mocking country song . . .
I bought my wife a country bookshelf
So she could put all her booksmarts on it
But then the bookshelf fell on her head
Causing a brain injury
And leaving her too stupid to read
That there’s called irony
I learned that from one of her books
Yee haw!
8) Maj and Kallan walk into the room and stare judgmentally at me as I sit and read my book.
“Kallan and I are bored, and we would like to know what you plan to do about this problem.”
I laugh, “I plan to do absolutely nothing about this problem.”
The girls consult in whispers for a moment, and then Maj speaks for the two of them, “Sorry to have to tell you this, but we are giving you a D in motherhood for the day.”
I lean forward to offer my extended palm for high-fives, “Go me! A D is totally a passing grade!”
They stare at me.
They do not high-five me.
I return to my book.
9) Mark is jokingly trying to convince Kallan to eat the rest of her lunch . . .
“Look, Maj ate her whole sandwich. She is such a good girl.”
Kallan rolls her eyes, “Look, Daddy . . . it has already been established that I am not a good girl. This sandwich discussion changes nothing.”
Maj sputters, “She stole that line from a TV show!”
Kallan shrugs her shoulders, “So what if I stole the line? I told you . . . I am a bad seed.”
Maj can’t stand it, “She stole that line too!”
Kallan takes a bite of her sandwich, “Life is more fun if everything is mine for the taking.”
People?
So much fun to live with these goofballs.
So much fucking fun.
