So we went to Costco today.
“Can we have a package of 24 muffins?”
“No.”
“Can we have three gallons of ice cream?”
“No.”
“Can we have 48 plate-sized cookies?”
“No.”
“Can we have a bag of 3000 string-cheese sticks?”
“No.”
“Can we have this container of 542 brownie bites?”
“No.”
“You say NO to everything!”
“I am happy to say YES to things if you choose your requests a bit more carefully.”
Silence for a minute, and then Maj asks, “Can we get tomatoes?”
“Yes!”
Kallan sulks, “I hate this family.”
I laugh, “Oh, I know! You guys can go get some cold cereal.”
Maj and Kallan start to dash away, “Wait! Come back! There are rules.”
They turn back sadly to hear the rules.
“We are not buying two enormous Costco mass-quantity boxes of sweetened cereal, so you two have to work together to choose a single cereal. Compromise may be required. Got it?”
Maj wants clarification, “What if we cannot agree?”
“Then I get to pick the cereal, and it will not be sugared.”
“OK, that makes sense. Come on, Kallan . . . we can do this.”
They are gone a very long time.
A very long time.
Maj reappears by herself, her shoulders slumped, “There is no talking to that girl. She only wants one kind of cereal, and I don’t like it. She won’t even discuss the other possibilities. You’re going to have to pick the cereal.”
“So where is Kallan now?”
“Possibly mating with the Froot Loops.”
I walk over to the cereal aisle, and there’s Kallan. She is hugging an enormous box of Froot Loops to her chest. She is standing in the middle of the aisle as though she thinks I am going to wrestle her for the cereal. Her eyes are glittery with uncooperation and greed.
Her voice is determined, “I want Froot Loops.”
“Yeah, well that’s just tough. I told you that you had to come to an agreement with your sister.”
“I did come to an agreement. I want Froot Loops.”
“Huh. So you are agreeing with yourself?”
“I want Froot Loops.”
“Don’t care. I am choosing granola,” and I pull the package of granola off of the shelf.
“I am not leaving this store without Froot Loops.”
Maj snorts with laughter, “Kallan, you sound insane. Also, have you met Mother? She is stubborn about this sort of thing. The only chance you have of eating Froot Loops at this point is if you gnaw through the box before Mother has a chance to stop you.”
Kallan is defiant, “I don’t care. I want Froot Loops and I will have them.”
I step closer to Kallan and glare down at her, “Listen, you. Put the Froot Loops back and move on with your day.”
Kallan speaks fiercely, “I will not.”
I speak a bit more loudly, “This is a battle you are not going to win, annoying daughter of mine. It’s best not to fight battles you are guaranteed to lose.”
Kallan hugs the cereal box more tightly, its hard cardboard sides beginning to cave in her embrace, “I will have Froot Loops.”
I pat her on the head, “Awwww. That is so cute, but now I am going to have to crush you. Years from now, there will be a little plaque in this spot to mark your defeat.”
Kallan stares at me, “What?”
I gesture at the shelving unit that holds the cereal, “The Battle of FrootLoopLoo was fought in this spot on August 2, 2011. Kallan died bravely, but in the end? She did indeed die.”
“Threaten me all you want. I want Froot Loops. You can’t stop me from having them.”
“Well, let’s just see. Maybe I will start with a threat slightly less severe than death.” I put a finger to my chin thoughtfully, “Oh, I know! I promised to buy you a slice of pizza and a soda when we’re done shopping. As of this moment, you have lost the soda. Three more seconds of this crap and you have lost the pizza as well.”
Kallan hurls the cereal box back into the shelves, “No need to be so hasty, Mom.”
“Good choice, Kallan.”
Kallan is suddenly all reasonable, “So there is no need to take away my soda, right?”
“Nope. No need to take it . . . it’s already gone.”
“Hmmmph.”
Maj is all helpful, “I did tell you about Mother’s stubbornness. I tried to warn you.”
Kallan speaks in choking gasps to demonstrate how thirsty she will be, “What am I supposed to drink? If I eat pizza without soda, I will wrinkle up with salt and grease! I need fluids for the pizza to work.”
“I didn’t say you couldn’t have a drink. I said you couldn’t have soda.”
“So what will I be drinking?”
“Seriously, Kallan? I know you studied Napoleon in History class.”
Maj giggles.
Kallan is puzzled, “What are you talking about?”
Maj explains, “Napoleon fought the Battle of Waterloo and he so did not win. FrootLoopLoo . . . Waterloo . . . get it? You are drinking water.”
Kallan thinks about this for a moment, “Well, that is just incredibly annoying.”
Not so very much later, we are standing in line at Costco’s food court, and Maj turns to me, “Is there any chance I could have a berry smoothie instead of soda with my hot dog? Please?”
“Yes.”
Kallan is incredulous, “But now my punishment is worse! That’s no fair! She was going to have soda, and I was just a treat-step below her with water. Now she is getting a smoothie, and I am two steps below at water! I demand that my punishment be changed so that I get soda but no smoothie. I demand an upgrade!”
“You DEMAND an upgrade?”
Kallan looks at me sadly, “I’m not getting an upgrade?”
“No.”
She sighs, “Just so you know? You are more difficult to work with than Grandma and Grandpa.”
Snort!
