Mark and the girls are home.
Mark is lovely.
The girls, however, are filled with noise and annoyance and incredulity.
“Mother! You ate ALL of the Otter Pops?”
“Mom, are you kidding me? Why on earth would you delete all of my shows off of the DVR? I wanted to watch every single one of those shows! This is a travesty!”
“Seriously, Mother? You didn’t go grocery shopping even one time while we were gone? I hope you will have some time later to sit down with me and explain how this is a victory.”
“How did the dogs get so fat? Who ate this entire jar of peanut butter?”
“Mother, you should know that there was a failure of discipline while we were on vacation. A complete and total failure of discipline. You need to talk to Daddy, because he has some explaining to do.”
“Mom, could you explain to Maj that vacation bad-behavior doesn’t count because we were on VA-CAY-SHUN. That means a break from rules. Duh. Ask Grandma.”
“Related news, Mother? I don’t believe Kallan properly brushed her teeth one single time while we were gone. I tried to stay on top of the situation, but no one listened to me.”
“Mom, could you explain to Maj that my teeth are my teeth? They are still in my mouth and none of them hurt, and I call that a triumph of dental hygiene.”
“Mother, could you tell Kallan that her dental hygiene crown is going to look fabulous on her head? Maybe it will have enough diamonds on it to distract people from the fact that all of her teeth have rotted and fallen out.”
“My backpack weighs a bazillion pounds.”
“OK, well then my backpack weighs a bazillion and one pounds, because there is no way your backpack is heavier than mine, Baby K.”
“It’s heavy enough that if I swing it big, I could knock you on your butt.”
“Mother! Discipline is demanded! Do it, Mother! Related news? Kallan watched far too much TV at Grandma and Grandpa’s house. Daddy was all weak.”
“Wait, what happened to the candy bar I left on this counter three weeks ago? Seriously, Mom? Seriously?”
“Mother, I know you are kidding me. No way I am going to unpack my suitcase. No way. Were you always this bossy? How did I forget that part?”
“But Mom! Daddy shoved some of his stuff in my suitcase, and if you make me unpack Daddy’s stuff? Well, it’s like I’m a slave.”
“Yes, you told me not to eat cookies. OK, but I am not eating cookies, Mom. Look . . . this is a bag of cookies that got smashed at the bottom of my backpack. Cookie crumbs are not cookies and they do not count. Ask Grandma.”
“You are putting mushrooms in the spaghetti sauce? AIIEIIEIAIIAIAIIEIIEIIIEEEE! I never get what I want and I cannot stand it!”
“We’ve been up since 2:00 am Oregon time, so you should set the table. We are too tired. What do you mean you’ll set the table if we agree to go to bed at 7:00 pm? That is insane!”
“Daddy, Mommy deleted all of my shows! What? No, she saved all of yours. What do you mean this news doesn’t impact you in the slightest? What do you mean you don’t care? THIS IS A TELEVISION TRAVESTY!”
“I got a small amount of sunburn one time, but it’s gone now. If you would like to address this issue and possibly hand out some blame? Look to the man you married.”
“Look at this dress I got! No, it’s a dress. No, I do not need to wear shorts under it. I like it this way. What do you mean I have too much booty for this dress? I am ten! I cannot have too much booty! OK, yeah . . . when I raise my hands my booty is out. Is that what you mean?”
“Daddy bought a University of Michigan cookie cutter that is in the shape of an M for way too much money. I believe he is going to tell you that the M stands for Mom, but don’t let him fool you. It was a purely selfish purchase.”
“I did miss you, Mother. I did. This part here where I have to do the dinner dishes? I did not actually miss this part so much. Too bad you and chores come as a package.”
“Delilah says that you were rude and that one time you only gave her 5 pieces of food instead of 6! Yes, I do speak turtle. What? Are you calling Delilah a liar?”
“Three weeks, Mother. I am gone for three weeks and it occurs to no one still living in this house to strip my bed and wash my sheets and stuff? That’s just sad. What do you mean you are sure the dog pee has dried by now? I do not appreciate your sass, Mother! Unsass yourself immediately!”
“Fine, Mother. I will go to my room. When I said that some discipline was needed, I did not actually mean for you to start with me. Annoying.”
“Mom! Grandma and Grandpa taught me how to play blackjack! It’s pretty much just counting to 21! I so know how to do that! I am going to be rich!”
Mark comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me.
Hugs me tight.
Whispers in my ear, “It is possible the girls have been running a little amuck without you.”
I lean back into his embrace.
Oh, how I have missed these people.
“Mother? Remember how you made us pack 10 pairs of underwear each? Kallan could have gotten away with two pairs. Just saying.”
Snort!
