My daughters at the State Fair . . . the only people speaking in this story are Maj and Kallan.
Kallan first . . .
“I see a ferris wheel! I see a ferris wheel, and I see one of those bungee jumping things! I want to watch the bungee jumpers!”
“When are we going to put on sunscreen?”
“Look at that tractor! That is the biggest tractor I have ever seen! Come on, let’s go!”
“Seriously, I need a time. When are we going to put on sunscreen?”
“I smell horses!”
“Who says those words . . . I smell horses . . . and sounds all joyful like that? What a weirdo. How long are we staying at this fair thing, anyway?”
“It says it’s open until 11 pm!”
“I’m not even going in through these gates until someone assures me that we are leaving long before 11 pm. I am not a fair-closing kind of girl; are you kidding me? Seriously, I need a time. How long are we staying?”
“Yay! I see cows!”
“Again, seriously? Who gets excited about seeing cows? Also, when will we be putting on sunscreen, do you think?”
“Pigs! Let’s visit the pigs first!”
“Oh my god.”
“Oooooh . . . piggies! They are so cute! Oh my gosh, they are the cutest pigs ever!”
“Where’s the hand sanitizer? If I get swine flu, I am going to be madder than you can even imagine.”
“Pet the pig, Maj! He’s all warm and bristly!”
“LISTEN, PIGS! STAY AWAY FROM THE MAJ! DO NOT TOUCH THE MAJ! KEEP YOUR WET SNOUTS BACK AND AWAY FROM THE MAJ!”
“Mom, I want a piglet so bad! Look how cute they are!”
“If even one of these pigs sneezes on me, it will be a full-scale Maj emergency. Back it up, swine flu-ers! Back it up!”
“Yay! Cows!”
“Nothing I have ever smelled in my whole life, including the worst of Persie’s plum farts, is as bad as this cow building. Whatever it takes for me to never own a cow, I am going to make sure that happens.”
“Look at how big and brown and velvety their eyes are! Oooooh, look at the baby cows! I can’t stand it; they are so cute!”
“I cannot breathe. The stench is horrific. My lungs are being burned. Speaking of burning, are we ever going to put on sunscreen?”
“SHEEPIES! There are sheepies!”
“Why are we baby-talking to the sheep, exactly? OH MY GOD . . . That is the biggest poo I have ever seen! Is that from a cow? Where are the people who take care of this sort of thing? I could have stepped in that!”
“Baby sheepies!”
“More poo! It’s everywhere! Is this how people on farms live? How can they stand it?”
“Baby chickens! I want a baby chicken! They are the cutest fluffiest things I have ever seen! Awwww . . . I want one!”
“Ewwww . . . I did not know a baby chicken was covered in blood and goo when it first cracked out of its shell! Is that normal? That is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen!”
“Look! This chickie was just born and he hasn’t even stood up yet! Stand up, little guy! Stand up!”
“WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU MEAN I WAS COVERED IN BLOOD AND GOO WHEN I WAS BORN, MOTHER? THAT IS INSANE NEWS! INSANE! YOU ARE NO LONGER ALLOWED TO SPEAK TO ME.”
“Look, pygmy goats! They are like goats but tiny! So cute! I want one so bad! He could sleep in my bedroom!”
“What good is a tiny goat that has no legs?”
“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“Mother, tell Kallan to stop laughing at me. Their legs were folded up and I didn’t see them. How am I supposed to know they have legs under there?”
“Bunny rabbits! They all have prices underneath! This one is only $15.00! Can we get a bunny?”
“I am only interested in albinos, for obvious reasons. Someone point me to the albinos.”
“Mom, please? Please, please, please can we get a bunny?”
“OK, if an albino is coming home with us, I am OK with that for obvious reasons.”
“What about a guinea pig? Look at how adorable and round they are!”
“There seems to be a distinct lack of albino guinea pigs. What’s up with that, you think?”
“The sign says they have miniature horses! Come on!”
“Mother, there should be a whole fair devoted to albinos, and albino people would get in free. Obviously.”
“Awww . . . I wish we lived on a farm so we could have all of these animals! Look at how sweet that tiny horse is!”
“A horse no one can ride is just useless. Get a dog and call it a day.”
“Hurry! The sign says they are doing a milking demonstration over at the cow barn!”
“Udder torture, you mean.”
“Look at how they hook up the machine to the boobs!”
“I am going to be sick. I am never drinking milk again.”
“Look at how the glass jug fills up with milk!”
“DO NOT SPEAK TO ME OF THE TIME YOU SPENT BREAST-FEEDING ME, MOTHER! I WAS NOT CONSULTED!”
“What’s in this building, you think?”
“AUGHGHGHGHGH! Ducks are the smelliest animals yet! How is it possible that ducks can smell so bad?”
“Quack, quack, quack . . . look, he’s talking to me!”
“Check your shoes, people. Anyone with duck poo on their shoes is not riding home with me. You think I am kidding, but I am so not kidding.”
“Quack, quack, quack . . . hee hee! He shot poo out behind his butt!”
“Ducks with missile poo are not welcomed near the Maj! Back it up, ducks! Away from the Maj!”
“Can we go check out the exhibit halls? I want to see all the stuff people win ribbons for. Quilt and pies and aprons and stuff.”
“Quilts and pies and aprons and stuff? Are we still in 2011?”
“I think if we walk through this building, the map says we will be at the main exhibit hall.”
“And here we are back in the cow building. Oh my god. Look at all these people smiling like there’s no problem . . . like they don’t notice the air smells of poo-death. FEBREZE, people! MAKE A NOTE!”
“Oh, man. Do I have to put on sunscreen?”
“Finally. Spray some on my arms. I was beginning to wonder about you, Mother.”
“How awesome is that! Look, they made a whole sandbox of dried corn for those little kids to play in . . . that’s so cool!”
“Mother, there are children playing in corn. I am almost but not quite speechless. Children . . . playing . . . in . . . corn.”
________________
People?
There was much more.
Much more.
And then at the end of the day, as we drove home, there was this . . .
“I love the fair! That was so much fun! We should go again next year!”
“I love the fair! We should so go again next year! But next year, you should just pretend we are albinos, Mother. I am thinking that if you just have in your head that we are all albinos, you will be more responsible about the sunscreen.”
“I want a bunny sooooo bad.”
“If we’re getting a new pet, keep your eye out for albino frogs, Mother. Albinos are the way to go, for obvious reasons. Keep your eye out for them, Mother.”
“Are you sure Jack would eat a bunny? What if I have a talk with him?”
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN ALBINO FROGS SHOULD BE EASY TO SPOT? THAT IS NOT FUNNY! I AM OFFENDED ON BEHALF OF ALL UNCAMOUFLAGED ALBINOS EVERYWHERE!”
“Maj, Mom just means that albino frogs are unable to escape from predators, what with not having any legs and all.”
“What? Albinos have legs, and . . . OH I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE! STOP LAUGHING! MOTHER, NOT EVERYTHING IN THIS LIFE IS FUNNY! HOW DARE YOU LAUGH AT THE PLIGHT OF PALISH RED-EYED FROGS!”
“Mom, you are so right! Albino frogs would have two strikes against them, what with being bright white and having to roll everywhere.”
“THAT’S IT, MOTHER. ALBINO FROGS HAVE LEGS! STOP GIGGLING! MOTHER, YOU ARE NO LONGER ALLOWED TO TALK TO ME.”
“Hee hee! I did like the fair.”
Silence for a few beats, and then . . .
“Me too.”
