It’s time for another episode of . . .
Random Bits of Conversation at Our House
1) I walk into the kitchen this afternoon, and Mark is standing on top of our stepstool, shaking out a plastic garbage bag as Jack the smaller badly behaved dog leaps and snaps in the air below him.
Mark gives the bag a last shake as he stands balanced on the stepstool, and then he gathers the bag into his arms and stares down from his elevated perch at Jack, “Thinking you can rip apart the garbage bag, you stupid idiot dog. Who’s trained now, dog? Who’s . . . trained . . . now?”
2) I make Maj an ice cream cone, and she begs for me to put a Maraschino cherry on the top of the finished cone.
“Maj, it’s just going to fall off and roll away.”
“I will eat it first, Mother. I assure you that this cherry is going nowhere except in my tummy.”
So I place a cherry on the top of her ice cream cone, and I ask her to stay in the kitchen to eat the treat.
Not two minutes later, I hear Maj walking through the house, ice cream cone in hand, yelling . . .
“MY CHERRY IS MISSING! THIS IS A FULL-SCALE EMERGENCY MAJ ALERT MESSAGE! I HAVE LOST MY CHERRY IN THIS HOUSE AND I DEMAND SEARCH ASSISTANCE. THE HOW OF THIS TRAGEDY DOES NOT MATTER, MOTHER . . . NO ONE RESTS UNTIL I FIND MY CHERRY!”
It was stuck down the side of the couch.
3) Kallan is preparing to take Jack on a walk around the neighborhood, but first she fills his water bowl and encourages him to drink.
“That’s a good boy, Jackie. I know you have a lot of things to say. This will make it easier.”
I look at Kallan questioningly and she explains, “Jackie likes to claim the neighborhood when we go out by leaving big bossy pee-notes everywhere, so I like to be sure he has plenty of message water.”
4) Maj comes racing wild-eyed into the room, reaching into the front of her blouse for bits of cereal, “MAKE KALLAN STOP!”
“Is she throwing cereal at you?”
“What? No, I accidentally dropped a handful of Sugar Smacks down my shirt, so I was getting them out and throwing them to the dogs.”
“KALLAN IS TELLING THE DOGS I AM A BOOB-MORSELER!”
“What does that even mean?”
Kallan comes dancing into the room, both dogs following hopefully, “Go dogs! Go see the boob morseler! She makes sugar-smack treats with her boobs, dogs! Go check! Maj, how are those sugar-smacking boobs doing? These dogs are morsel hungry!”
“MOTHER, TELL THE DOGS I DON’T EVEN HAVE BOOBS!”
5) Maj walks into the room and throws herself down on the couch, sighing heavily, “What’s that called when the vibrations cause a structure or a bridge to collapse?”
“Yes. That. Mother, my sisterhood with Kallan is resonating with me.”
She looks at me sadly, “It’s not the resonance that will kill me, Mother. It’s the frequency.”
6) Kallan walks into the house cradling a small fuzzy caterpillar in her palms. She shows it to me, giggling as it crawls up her arm. She pets it with a gentle fingertip, “You know what’s weird?”
“Caterpillars are fuzzy and adorable, but really they are just footed worms in cute fur outfits.”
She looks up at me, “If this was a fable, the moral would be that cute clothes matter and they determine what others think of you. Make a note, Mom . . . this is going to come up again in your very near future.”
7) Maj stands before me with a ripped piece of artwork in her hands, fuming with anger, “Listen Mother. I innocently suggested that Kallan’s painting looked like a blindfolded weasel had painted it with its tail, and then I look away for a moment and my drawing is ripped into pieces.”
I wait, because there is more.
Maj stares at me, “I do not believe these events are unrelated, Mother.”
“You are like Sherlock Holmes, babe.”
“I need you to deal with that girl who calls herself my sister, Mother.”
“What did Kallan say when you asked her what happened?”
“She says she’s innocent, but I say this is quite a Kallincidence.”
8) We are headed out on a hike, and I ask Maj to put on gym shoes. She refuses and wears flip-flops instead. Not just flip-flops, but cheap-ass flip-flops she bought at Target for $2.00 several weeks ago.
“Maj, there is no way those flip-flops are a good idea.”
“These flip-flops are a fine idea. You are just jealous of my fabulous Maj hiking foot-fashion, Mother.”
“They’re going to break.”
“Not even, Mother. I have flipflopic faith.”
The flip-flops give out in rapid succession at about the halfway point of the hike, which means Maj has to make the return trip barefooted and pissed off.
“HOW COULD I HAVE POSSIBLY KNOWN THAT TWO-DOLLAR FLIP-FLOPS WOULD NOT BE UP TO THE HIKING TASK? NO WAY FOR ME TO HAVE KNOWN THAT, MOTHER. NO WAY FOR ME TO HAVE SUSPECTED MY FEET WERE INAPPROPRIATELY DRESSED. WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SOMETHING?”
9) Kallan swings partially into the room, hanging on the doorframe as she appears to ask a quick question.
“Mom, chum is the chopped-up fish guts you throw in the water to feed the sharks, right?”
“I thought so . . . I remember that from SpongeBob.”
She swings out of the room and screams at Maj, “I see what you’re doing, Maj! Acting all nice and calling me chum! I SEE YOU!”