“SHE SLOBBERED AND GRUNTED AND MADE SPIT SOUNDS AND SO OF COURSE I AM SCREAMING MY EARS ARE BLEEDING AND I MAY REQUIRE TOURNIQUETS AND OF COURSE I AM SCREAMING OF COURSE I AM SCREAMING AND REPETITION IS REQUIRED BECAUSE I AM JUST SO DISBELIEVING OF THE FACT THAT YOU DO NOT SEE THAT THIS IS ALL THE DEMON SISTER’S FAULT I WOULD NOT BE SCREAMING IF SHE HAD NOT COME INTO MY PERSONAL SPACE WITH HER DISGUSTING NOISES AND THEN TRIED TO MAKE ME FEEL COVERED WITH SPIT BY MAKING EVERY SPIT NOISE SHE COULD THINK OF SO OF COURSE I AM SCREAMING AND SHE NEEDS TO BE SENT TO PRISON WHERE SHE CAN SPIT OUT OF A SMALL BARRED WINDOW AND BOTHER NO ONE BUT PIGEONS OF COURSE I AM SCREAMING OF COURSE I AM SCREAMING AND I WILL NOT STOP SCREAMING UNTIL YOU AGREE THAT MY RESPONSE IS COMPLETELY REASONABLE WHICH IT SO IS MOTHER IT SO IS IT SO IS STOP SHAKING YOUR HEAD AT ME NO I WILL NOT STOP SCREAMING MY IMAGINATION IS COVERED IN SPIT AND IT IS ALL HER FAULT.”
Huh.
I stare at Maj for a moment, “Do not say any more words until you have turned down your volume.”
Maj glares at me in silence for a few seconds, and then, “Seriously, Mother?”
“Seriously.”
She takes a deep angry breath, “Fine. My volume is down but my rage is boiling high. I am using this normal volume to request that you deal with the demon, Mother.”
“OK, first? As usual, your rage is filled with interesting images. Ear tourniquets? Spitting on pigeons out of a small barred prison window? Awesomeness!”
“Thank you.”
“I just want to be clear that I understand. Kallan made disgusting noises and pretended to spit, and . . .”
Kallan swings suddenly into the room, “I was RAPPING, Mom. I was not spitting, I was being musical. I was making music with my mouth dampness.”
Maj is incensed, “MUSIC WITH YOUR MOUTH DAMPNESS? I MAY FALL OVER IN GRUESOME DEAD JUST FROM THE GROSSNESS OF THOSE WORDS!”
Kallan giggles, “That sounds like there is a puddle of gruesome dead and you fell in it.”
“AUGH! MAKE HER STOP TALKING BECAUSE EVERY TIME SHE TALKS SHE MAKES ME SCREAM! I WILL NOT STOP SCREAMING UNTIL YOU MAKE HER STOP TALKING AIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIE AIIEIEIEIEIEIEIEIE AAIIEEEIEIEIEIIEEE I PROMISE YOU I WILL NOT STOP SCREAMING UNTIL YOU HAVE ADDRESSED THIS SITUATION TO THE SATISFACTION OF THE MAJ.”
Kallan waits for a pause in the screaming, “Why do you talk about yourself like you are someone other than yourself?”
Maj is livid, “OH . . . MY . . . MAJ.”
Kallan falls to the floor in giggles, “Oh my Maj? Like Oh my god but Oh my Maj? Mom, please tell me this is a new thing we all say when things go badly. Please?”
I am giggling as well, “Kallan, go somewhere that is not here for a little while. I need to talk to your sister.”
“But I want to stay and be a part of the fun!”
I point a finger, “Go.”
Kallan grumble-giggles as she leaves, “Oh . . . my . . . Maj. This is so unfair. I am almost completely innocent and I am being solituded.”
Maj stares at me in angry incredulity, “What do we have to talk about when the culprit of evil has been sent away? We need her here so that an adequate punishment can be determined.”
“Yeah, I don’t really care about the damp mouth music, although I understand that she gets on your nerves. I want to talk to you once again about your tendency to overreact.”
Maj folds her arms in annoyance, “Yeah, because this makes perfect sense, Mother. Let the evil one glide away on a Slip-N-Slide of spit and let’s talk about me instead. Good mothering, Mother. Nicely done.”
“Maj, you have awesome words . . . I am not letting any evildoers glide away on a Slip-N-Slide of spit.”
“Hmmph. Thank you, but hmmph.”
“So here’s the thing, Maj. I want you to imagine that Kallan has been given a small sharp knife with which she gouges out small chunks of your flesh every time you pass by her.”
“I do not believe that this is how a normal mom would start a lecture.”
“Just listen, Maj. If you were being slashed at by an angry knife-bearing evil-twin version of your sister, then your reaction would have been perfectly reasonable. If your flesh is being carved away, then by all means scream and shout about death and agony and the need for paramedics and prison.”
“What’s your point?”
“Your reaction was perfect if you have flesh wounds, but not so perfect if your complaint is that she sounds spitty.”
Maj sighs, “Point taken, Mother.”
“So does your sister have a knife, Maj?”
Maj considers, “I didn’t actually see a weapon, but if I had to guess, it’s probably more like a melonballer.”
“And are you missing chunks of flesh, Maj?”
Maj sighs again, “No. I am, for the most part, intact.”
“For the most part?”
Maj’s face is filled with sincerity, “Here’s what you do not seem to understand, Mother. She’s melonballing my soul, Mother. Juicy devastation, Mother.”
I stare at her.
She sighs resignedly and shakes her head, “Juicy devastation.”
Oh . . . my . . . Maj.
