Boop, beep, boop, boop, beep, beep, beep, beep, boop, boop, beep . . .
Seriously, the fact that I have to dial a 1 and then an area code for every single phone call I make here in Oregon is a source of constant irritation.
“Welcome to Kaiser Permanente. If you are calling to schedule or cancel an appointment, please press 1 . . . If you are calling to get information about flu shot clinics, please press 2 . . . If you would like to listen to information about the cold and flu season and what you can do to keep yourself healthy, please press 3 . . . If you would like to . . .”
Oh wait. I probably don’t need to listen to all of the options . . .
Boop
“A Kaiser representative will be with you as soon as possible. Estimated wait time is approximately 8 minutes.”
Sigh.
“If you think you are having a life-threatening emergency, please hang up and dial 911.”
Snort!
“Para informacion en espanol, oprima el numero dos.”
No thank you.
“Para informacion en ingles, oprima el numero tres.”
Wait, seriously?
Boop
“Because we at Kaiser care about your well-being, please listen to the following message about staying healthy during the cold and flu season while you wait.”
OK, did I not already opt out of hearing that information?
“Cherry ice cream smile be sure to get your flu shot you catch the mirror way out west cover your nose and your mouth when she dances on the sand sanitizer can also be an effective way of preventing when she shines she really shows you all she can avoid contact with infected others just like that river twisting through a dusty land stay home if you are sick she don’t need to understand her name is Rio and . . . Hello, my name is Tabitha and I will be your Kaiser representative today. Can I get your name?”
“Kris Wehrmeister. Are you guys aware that your health information recording just advised me to twist wetly through a dusty land with a cherry ice cream smile in order not to get the flu?”
“And your Kaiser number, Kris?”
“123-45-67890. Seriously . . . you guys have Duran Duran playing over the health information recording.”
“I’m sure that’s a temporary glitch. What can I help you with today?”
“I want to make an appointment to get a pap smear and pelvic exam . . . I am aware those go together, but I always feel like I need to say both things because I am not that clear about what is involved in a pelvic exam other than a pap smear, but I wouldn’t want to miss out. OK, that sounds weird and like I am putting in a special request that my appointment involve a speculum. I guess it has to, though . . . right? There’s no do-it-yourself dipstick sort of pap-smear test, is there?”
“And would you please verify your address for me?”
“1234 Main Street. So never mind about making me seem like a speculum freak. Pap smear. Put me down for one of those.”
“Your birth date?”
“OK, it’s not like I mind telling you my birth date, which is March 14, 1966, but what extra level of security is really added by insisting on that bit of information? Does it seem likely that there are other Kris Wehrmeisters with my Kaiser membership number who live at my address and would like a pap smear?”
“Let me just check when the next available appointment is. Hmmm.”
“Uh oh . . . that sounds like you have bad news for me before you have even had the chance to chill the speculum.”
“It’s just that I do not show you as having a primary care physician.”
“That’s actually correct. I don’t have one.”
“How long have you been with Kaiser Oregon?”
“Let’s see. 18 months?”
“It is generally wise to choose a primary care physician as soon as you join Kaiser.”
“Hmmm . . . I do not appear to be able to go back in time, so how about if we just move forward from this moment here?”
“Ma’am, the issue is that I am unable to make routine medical appointments for you unless you are assigned to a primary care physician.”
“Fine. Give me the number of the person to whom I must speak to be assigned to a primary care physician.”
“Actually, I can do that if you like. Would you like me to do that for you?”
“Yes, that would be fabulous.”
“Because after you have a primary care physician, I can make the appointment you requested.”
“So let’s get me some PCP, then.”
“Ma’am?”
“It’s an acronym . . . oh, never mind. I don’t like acronyms either, but that one struck me as funny.”
“Ma’am?”
“Is this call being recorded? I always imagine that when I arrive at that Albert Brooks This Is Your Life moment, the angels will play back my lengthy blathering conversations with assorted Kaiser representatives and shake their heads sadly at the life that I wasted.”
“Ma’am?”
“Are those puzzled ma’ams? Or are you trying to say something?”
“I show availability of two physicians. They are both excellent. The first is named Xingsshtetageffttyyayu Seminoglobbogsdsdskdlfast.”
“All of that is one person’s name?”
“I’m not sure I am pronouncing it correctly. Her first name is perhaps Zingxzhtetagfeffttyyayoo.”
“Huh.”
“You could call her Dr. Jing.”
“Is that what it says there?”
“Ma’am?”
“Is there a note that says that patients should refer to this doctor by a shortened version of her first name?”
“I’m sure it would be fine.”
“Hmmm. Who is the other doctor?”
“The other doctor is named Karen Smithson.”
“Yeah, let’s just go with Dr. Karen.”
“Snrfff.”
“Did you just laugh?”
“Ma’am, I show an available appointment for a pap smear on November 1st.”
“Great. I’ll take it.”
“I’ll just make you an appointment for a physical as well. Our records show you are in need of a physical.”
“No, I’ll make that appointment a different time. I am really just interested in the pap smear right now.”
“Alright, then. Let me just confirm that I have scheduled you for 3:00 pm on November 1st with Dr. Karen Smithson. If there’s nothing else . . .”
“Wait.”
“Yes?”
“Why would this pap smear be scheduled with my primary care physician? Shouldn’t there be a gynecologist in on this deal?”
“No, that’s not necessary.”
“When I was with Kaiser in California, gynecology was always handled separately.”
“That’s not how we do things here. Pap smears are handled by your primary care physician.”
“Really? That’s icky.”
“How so?”
“I don’t know. It just feels icky.”
“If you have an issue, I could put in a special request.”
“No. I’m sure it will be alright. As long as I keep the appointments separate.”
“So you do want me to schedule you for a physical?”
“No. ICK. I don’t want to get a physical and talk about all of my various imperfections and failings and then also have to get naked and put my feet in the stirrups. For the same person? Ick.”
“So if there is nothing else I can do for . . .”
“This feels weird.”
“Ma’am, it’s not that weird. It’s just a pap smear.”
“Alright.”
“You’ll be fine.”
“Alright. It still feels weird.”
Click.
So this morning, I am staring at the little reminder card that came in the mail . . . I have a 3:00 pm appointment this afternoon with Dr. Karen Smithson . . . for a physical and a pap smear.
Damn it.
WORLDS COLLIDING, PEOPLE!
This is not good.
