We took the girls over to the Portland International Speedway the other evening to see their Christmas-light display. It’s a drive-through event, and you pay $16.00 per carload to drive slowly around the racetrack, headlights extinguished, oohing and aahing happily at the various light displays. That’s the idea, anyway.
We went last year, and the girls spent the entire time yelling at one another about who had the best view of the lights, resulting in this conversation as we headed out of the racetrack . . .
“Wait. Mom? How can it be over? That’s it?”
“It’s a half-hour drive. It took us 31 minutes. That’s it.”
“But we spent the whole time arguing! That’s not fair! We missed everything!”
“Not sure what you want me to say . . . You and your sister are idiots.”
So this year, hoping to imbue the evening with a bit more Christmas spirit, Mark and I decide to do things differently. We wanted a reindeer. We looked around. But as reindeer are scarce, there were none to be found. Hmmm . . . what do we have that we can take in the van with us that is Christmassy like a reindeer but slightly more common? Oh look . . . one stupid flatulent Labrador and one wicked Lakeland Terrier . . . Yay! We will take the dogs along with us! Dogs will fix everything because . . . well . . . obviously.
So we stick the doggie antlers on Persie the Labrador and the doggie Santa suit on Jack the Lakeland Terrier and we head out.
“Wait, Mother? Can Kallan and I bring candy canes to eat in the car on the drive over?”
“That sounds like a bad idea, babe.”
“Please?”
“OK, but listen. The dogs are going to be in the car. I do not even want to hear screaming from you guys about how a dog licked your candy cane or a dog ate your candy cane or dog fur got on your candy cane or any sentence at all uttered about dogs and candy canes.”
Kallan pipes up inquisitively, “So if Daddy stops the car suddenly and the candy cane goes up a dog butt purely in accidental fashion, we are to just be silent?” Maj and I turn to stare at Kallan, and she shrugs, “Fine. The dogs will be Christmas-booty minty fresh, but you will not hear a peep out of me.”
Maj turns back to me, “Please, Mother? We will keep the candy and the dogs completely separate. We promise. Please?”
“Oh fine.”
All four of us plus the dogs climb into the car. Mark backs the car out of the driveway, and there is this from Maj . . .
“Oh no! A piece of my candy cane broke off and fell on the floor! Hurry and help me find it before the dogs eat it! DON’T JUST SIT THERE, KALLAN! Help me find it! Turn all the lights on . . . I can’t see anything! Persie, get away from me! PERSIE! Bad dog! Bad dog! Get away from the area that may hold the candy cane! Someone hold Jack! SOMEONE HOLD JACK! Daddy, pull the car over! I need to get the candy but I can’t reach the floor unless I take my seatbelt off. DADDY! JACK! KALLAN, DON’T JUST SIT THERE! Mother, I see that you have decided to just completely not care that I have lost candy which could very well pose a candy-choking hazard to a dog! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS FAMILY?”
We are now two houses away from our own house. Mark pulls over.
The situation is remedied without any dog-death.
“MOTHER, THERE IS DOG FUR ALL OVER THIS CANDY CANE!”
Mark pulls out of our neighbor’s driveway and back onto the road.
Maj grumbles, “How it doesn’t occur to anyone that I might like to go home and get a new candy cane, I do not even know.”
We ignore her.
After a short drive, we arrive at the racetrack and pay our admission. We get in line behind the other crawling cars, turn out our headlights, crank up the Christmas tunes, and start oohing and ahhing . . .
“Can we roll down the windows?”
“No, Kallan. It’s freezing out and the smaller dog is insanely determined to leap out of open car windows. So no.”
“Maj, I need to sit in your seat with you. All of the good lights are on your side of the car.”
“Kallan, there are lights on your side of the car.”
“No, Maj. Look . . . it’s a circle and almost all of the lights are on your side. I’m sitting with you.”
“DANGER DANGER DANGER! Kallan does not have her seatbelt on! Kallan is in my personal space and she is being reckless and I do not even know which of these offenses is worse BUT THEY MUST BE ADDRESSED!”
I turn back to the girls, “We’re driving two miles an hour. You may take off your seatbelts.”
“THIS IS MADNESS!”
Kallan is delighted and stands to dance in the middle of the van, “Persie, sit in my seat so you can see the lights! Mom, can I open the sunroof so I can stick my head out of the top of the car? I want to watch the lights while I’m standing up through the sunroof!”
“THIS IS MADNESS!”
I open the sunroof for Kallan, “OK, but don’t bump Daddy while he’s driving.”
“OK, if Kallan gets to stand up and look through the sunroof, I get to do that as well. Move over, Kallan.”
“Don’t shove me!”
“Move your big head. No way your head needs this whole ceiling window. Move over.”
“Stop shoving me!”
“Get your hands off of me! Touch me and die, Kallan. Touch me and die.”
Around this moment, Jack looks up and sees that a mysterious window has appeared above his head. He leaps from my lap up into the air over and over again, trying to escape out into the night through the roof. I struggle to hold him down, “Stop it, stupid dog. Relax!”
“OW! If you shove me like that my head is going to get cut off against the side of the sunroof! Get off of me!”
“You are hogging the space! YOU ARE HOGGING THE SPACE! OK, how about we take turns and I’ll be first? Jackie, stop jumping on me!”
“No.”
“Leave it to you to be all unreasonable. I hope you can see now that if you are in fact decapitated, that will be entirely your fault, because I TRIED to compromise.”
“Whatever, Maj. Why don’t you sit and watch the lights for a while and think about your bad behavior? Jackie, stop jumping, silly man!”
“I’m sitting nowhere. You sit. That’s the only compromise I am making.”
“Maj, stop shoving me! Jackie, what is wrong with you? You are not a reindeer . . . you cannot fly!”
I reach to grab Jack out of the air, “Alright, ladies . . . that’s it. Daddy’s closing the sunroof. Go look out a regular window and stop arguing.”
“BUT WE HATE REGULAR WINDOWS!”
“Too bad.”
“AUHGGHGHGHGHGHGH! PERSIE FARTED! OH MY GOD, WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE! PERSIE FARTED!”
“Mom, Maj is right . . . we are all going to die. Hold Jack so we can open all of the windows and clear this fart out of here.”
I pin Jack to my lap just as the fart-smell makes its way to the front of the van. It is just as nightmarish as the girls reported. All four of us lower our windows and lean gasping from the vehicle as we wait for the stink to clear. Windows back up.
“OK, Maj . . . I need to sit with you or I will miss everything.”
“You are not sitting with me, young lady. Sit in your assigned seat or risk injury.”
“Daddy is driving too slowly for me to be injured, Maj.”
“That’s not where the danger lies, Kallan.”
“MOM! Maj is threatening me!”
“Mother, Kallan seems to think her eyes don’t work to cover the slight extra distance from her assigned side of the car.”
I am so tired of these two, “Stop arguing and look at the lights.”
“Mother, we need to resolve these issues before the enjoyment can begin. Obviously.”
Kallan agrees, “Obviously.”
Mark has just had it, “SIT DOWN AND BE QUIET AND ENJOY THE LIGHTS! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE TWO OF YOU? CAN’T YOU JUST BE NICE TO ONE ANOTHER? I AM SICK AND TIRED OF LISTENING TO THE TWO OF YOU BICKERING. YOU ARE ANNOYING THE CRAP OUT OF ME! LISTEN TO THE CHRISTMAS MUSIC! LOOK AT THE LIGHTS! ENJOY THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT! WE ARE MAKING MEMORIES, DANG IT!”
“Somebody’s a little tense,” Maj observes.
Jack leaps from my lap and into the back of the car, “AUGH! JACKIE IS EATING THE REST OF MY CANDY CANE!”
“PERSIE FARTED!”
I grab Jack and wrestle him for the candy cane. The van fills with Labrador death-stench. We all lower our windows and gasp for fresh cool night air. Jack kicks and flails against me, desperate to escape through a window into the Christmas scenery.
PFTFTFTFFFFFFFFFTTTTT
“PERSIE FARTED AGAIN!”
“I want to hang my head out of Maj’s window . . . all the lights are on her side!”
“Hang out your own side. There’s no room for you here.”
“Stop blocking my view out of your window!”
“It’s my window. I guess I can block it if I want to.”
“Hey! Is this the exit?”
“Wait. Mother? How can it be over? That’s it?”
I sigh, “It’s a half-hour drive. It took us 31 minutes. That’s it.”
“But we spent the whole time arguing! That’s not fair! We missed everything!”
“Not sure what you want me to say . . . You and your sister are idiots.”
PFTFTFTFFFFFFFFFTTTTT
Sigh.
