I am not a new and improved kind of woman.
If something works, I do not want to hear about how the next version of this perfectly acceptable product will do things I never even knew I was missing. I do not want to do those things it never occurred to me to want to do. I have small needs and small expectations, and I enjoy having them met in consistent unspectacular fashion.
When it comes to technology, I try to never update anything. Ever. Once I learn something one way, that is how I would like it to stay forever and ever and ever. No exceptions. The end.
I drive Mark insane. He recently picked up my iPhone (left to my own devices, I would still be tethered to the wall when I talk on the phone, because that SO worked just fine but I am married to Mark and so I have an iPhone which is as close to a magic thing as I have ever owned) . . . anyway, he recently picked up my iPhone and shook his head in despair, “What is wrong with you? You have 23 updates waiting to be installed.”
He tapped at the screen as I reached frantically for my phone. “AUGH! Don’t install them! You know I hate change!”
Mark held the phone above his head, which sadly, because I am short, was a completely effective way of keeping the phone out of my hands as it updated. Mark laughed, “But these are improvements. They will make things run better.”
“I do not want them to run better! I like them as they are!”
“Kris, that’s just ridiculous. Some of your apps don’t even work anymore because you haven’t kept up with the latest versions.”
“OK, but if I haven’t noticed that the apps don’t work, that means I don’t even need those apps to work. Don’t you see?”
“But what if you want to use one of those apps sometime?”
“Then I will realize it’s dead and go get the latest version . . . I like to deal with problems as they arise. I DO NOT LIKE TO BE PROACTIVE.”
“Yeah, you need to put that on a business card or something.”
“Shut up.”
Sigh.
Anyway . . . I have been using Microsoft Office 2003 since . . . well, since 2003. I know how it works. I know its flaws. I know its secrets.
It works just fine.
So . . . a few weeks ago, Mark started making noises about getting a new version of Microsoft Office. As I did not see how these discussions impacted me, I did not listen very closely. I did not need new and improved versions of my mail and word processing programs; I was quite happy with Microsoft Office 2003 and had no intention of updating. So Mark talked and I did not listen . . . What did I care? “Blah blah blah Microsoft Office blah blah blah changes blah blah blah I need it for work and blah blah the girls need it as well blah blah blah.”
I nodded my head, “Whatever, babe. Do it.”
“Blah blah blah it will be a big change at first blah blah blah let me see where I can get the best deal blah blah blah it will be nice to have some of the newer features blah blah blah big change.”
“Geez, babe. Just buy the damn thing and stop whining about it.”
So he did.
And then I walk into the room and see him sitting at my computer. He looks up, his voice filled with judgment, “You have like 3700 unread emails. You want me to delete those?”
“Ummmm . . . obviously not. I haven’t read them yet.”
“You’re never going to read these . . . you have like 700 from somebody called PYMNTS.com . . . what’s that about?”
“Oooh! I know this! Like two years ago, you got all sassy with me about how I didn’t know how to sign up for website newsletters, and so I clicked randomly until I found a blog newsletter offer and then I signed up for it. I’m sure I mentioned this at the time. BAM! Competence! Plus extraordinary memory skills. DOUBLE BAM!”
“But you don’t read their emails.”
“Of course not. They are filled with annoying articles about people who are not me making money.”
Mark shakes his head, “But you don’t delete them because . . . ?”
“Ummm, because I figure if I leave them there, one of these days I will get annoyed at their continued and insistent financial condescension and I will figure out how to stop my subscription.”
“Kris, there is an Unsubscribe link at the bottom of every single one of these emails.”
I look over his shoulder, “Huh.”
He points to my in-box, “Why do you still have like 10,000 emails in your in-box? Didn’t we talk about this? You were supposed to put some of this stuff in folders.”
“Yeah, turns out folders don’t work for me. I like everything in one long string of correspondence.” I point, “I did make some folders, though. Look over on the left there. BAM!”
“Yeah, I saw those. They’re empty.”
“What’s your point?”
“What if you need to find something?”
“Search box. Duh. Why are you on my computer, anyway? What’s with all the judgy email sass?”
Mark taps a few keys, “I am updating Microsoft Office. I told you that.”
FUCK.
Fast-forward several days to me sitting sadly at my computer, unable to figure out how to cut and paste.
Sigh.
Maybe I’ll check my email.
SIGH.
Mark walks through the room, “Why are you sighing?”
“My email program makes me feel all unaccomplished and filled with failure now.”
“What?”
“I think I might need to go take a nap for the rest of the day.”
He walks over and looks at my screen, “What are you talking about?”
“That. That thing on the right hand side of the screen with the calendar. I HATE THAT.”
“That’s just a to-do bar.”
“I know what it is. I hate it. The calendar just makes me aware that time is slipping away. And those little notifications make me want to cry . . . NO NEW APPOINTMENTS . . . NO NEW TASKS . . . Every time I log on, my computer tells me I am like the biggest loser in the world with nothing scheduled and nothing to do.”
“Oh for god’s sake. Put some stuff in there and make use of the system.”
“I don’t want to, and anyway, even if I did want to, I am not going to be bullied into doing it by a computer that is working to crush my self-esteem on a daily basis.”
“You are insane. What about the listing of all the emails you have flagged? That’s a good thing, right? All the emails that require attention and follow-up all in one place . . . that’s a good thing.”
“Yeah, except I don’t use flags to keep track of emails that require my attention.”
“Okayyyyy.”
“I generally flag the end of invisible relationships. The last hateful email that ends everything gets a little fuck-you flag of surrender.”
Mark scrolls through all the tiny little flags, “Wow. That makes no sense at all . . . just . . . wow.”
“Shut up. It makes perfect sense and none of these friendship deaths were my fault in any way and just . . . shut up.”
Mark shakes his head disbelievingly, “Not a word from me, because you are perfectly normal. You know you can make this whole to-do bar disappear, right?”
“That would be so much better. Thank you.”
Fast-forward several days to me sitting sadly at my computer, unable to remember how to cut and paste.
Mark walks through the room, “Hey, I signed up for this webinar on how to use Microsoft Office 2010 . . . I figured it would be a good way to get up to speed on the ins and outs of the program. Want to watch it with me?”
“No thank you.” I type How to cut and paste into the search box and read quickly, “No, I prefer to just deal with problems as they arise. No point in learning lots of stuff I am never going to use. I told you . . . I do not like to be proactive.”
“You seriously need to order some business cards with that slogan.”
“Yeah, that’s not going to happen.”
Because . . . obviously.
He heads downstairs to watch his tutorial.
I click to check my email.
Stupid superior assholes at PYMNTS.com
Let me just flag that email.
What?
